19. Ivy
NINETEEN
IVY
The words die in my throat as the thoughts leave my head.
Link’s dead…
He’s… dead.
And Riot got rid of the body?
I suck in a breath, fail, and try again, this time dragging in a small amount of air. I scan his face, waiting for him to crack a grin, to tell me he’s joking, but his mouth is tight, his shoulders slumped.
The uncertainty in his expression is not something I’m used to, and it tells me everything.
He’s not lying.
Oh… fuck .
I sway, dizzy, and he reaches to steady me. Instinctively, I tear away, and the flash of hurt that creases his face stabs my chest.
“Vee…” The crack of his voice as he says my name almost has me reaching for him, but I don’t.
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not. He’s been dead for months, since before you had Seren.”
What the fuck? I gasp, then gasp again. The world tilts as I stumble back from him, the room suddenly too small.
It can’t be true. I’d know if my nightmare was gone, wouldn’t I?
“What happened?” The rasp of my own words is harsh in the silence.
“Does it matter?”
It’s not an answer. The walls are closing in, and the air is suddenly too thin. I can’t breathe. My hand presses to my constricted heart, which is about to burst out of my chest.
He shoves his hands in his pockets, as if that’s the only way he can stop himself from reaching for me, from touching me. “I didn’t want you to find out like this.”
“Or at all?” I snap, blinking the haze from my eyes. “Did you ever plan on telling me?”
Hurt spirals, sharp and violent. The sting of betrayal from the one person I trusted with my heart and soul is bitter.
“No.”
One word, just one fucking word, and it cuts like a thousand blades.
“At least that’s honest.” Sarcasm drips from my tone, and I don’t rein it back. I don’t know how I feel. How am I meant to feel? He’s telling me the monster I’ve been running from is gone, and yet it doesn’t feel like a victory. Because all this time, he knew. He had a way to ease my suffering, and he kept quiet.
“I can’t stay.”
I step around him, but he moves with me, blocking my path without touching me.
“I ain’t lettin’ you walk out of here.”
I gather Seren closer. “You can’t stop me.”
“Babe, be pissed at me—you have every right to be—but do it after we figure out who’s targetin’ you.”
Right . The reason I came here. The bastard who wants to scare me to death.
Seren whimpers, and I glance down at her.
I don’t want to be here, but leaving puts my daughter at risk. This whole situation was terrifying enough when I thought I was facing her father.
It’s a whole new level of dread knowing it’s not.
“She okay?” The concern and fear in his words softens some of my anger.
“Yeah. She’s just fussy.”
He claims the space between us, hesitant, but I don’t move this time. I can’t. My body is lead, but it reacts to his closeness, seeking comfort from him. I want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything will be okay even as I want to slam my hands against his chest and ask why.
I need to protect my heart. I can’t let him past the walls I’ve hastily thrown up.
“You lied to me. All this time, and you just… lied.”
“Ain’t sorry for that, Vee, but I am sorry it hurts you.”
What kind of fucking logic is that? “I’ve been terrified of him. The nightmares, thinking I was seeing him… all that time scared, and he wasn’t even alive.”
I cover my mouth with the back of my hand, bile coating my throat.
“Fuck,” Riot mutters.
“What am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to trust you?”
His throat bobs, his expression shredded. “There’s always gonna be shit that I can’t tell you,” he murmurs, “but I kept that darkness away from you ‘cause you don’t deserve that filth to touch you.”
He thinks he was protecting me.
“I’m already covered in filth, Riot.”
“Don’t fuckin’ say that.”
“I dream about him.” Shame eats at me, ugly and persistent. “They’re nightmares, really. Horrifying ones.” My chest heaves, but the air won’t reach my lungs. I feel raw, like I’ve been scraped over nails. “Every time I close my eyes…” I hate the way my voice cracks, like once again I’m the girl who used to flinch when someone raised their voice or got too close.
This time, he does touch me, and I don’t pull away. That tightness in my chest loosens a little.
“He can’t hurt you anymore.”
“You don’t get it, Riot. He’ll never stop hurting me. Alive. Dead. My wounds don’t heal, and one day, you’ll find out every dirty little detail of what he did to me.” I swallow down the lump clogging my throat. “And you won’t be able to deal with the ways I let that monster ruin me.”
His forehead presses to mine, like he’s trying to hold us together, but I’m already cracking apart. “Those doubts, those fears you have, they’re not yours. They’re his. He planted them inside you, and you have to rip them out.” I lean into his touch, unable to stop myself. I don’t feel steady right now.
“All I hear is his voice.”
“I’m gonna spend the rest of my life replacin’ that poison, Vee. I’ll tell you every fuckin’ minute of every day who you really are. You’re fuckin’ strong and you’re beautiful, inside and out.” He exhales slowly, measured, as if he’s trying to keep control. “But if you need time, I’ll give you it. If you need to be held, I’ll fuckin’ hold you. What I’m not doin’ is walkin’ away and leavin’ you to deal with this.”
Every word is what I’ve always wanted to hear from him.
“He’s really gone?”
“Yeah.”
A tear rolls down my cheek, and I don’t stop it.
“I’m scared.”
He pulls me against him, cupping the back of my head. “I know, baby. I know. But you don’t have to be. Nothin’ will touch you.”
“How did he… how did he die?” Nausea churns in my gut.
“Babe, you don’t need to have that shit takin’ up space in your head.”
“How?”
“I’ll give you anything you ask, burn cities to the fuckin’ ground, but I ain’t givin’ you new nightmares. It already kills me that I wasn’t in a position to protect you from him.”
My chest cracks.
“It’s not your fault.”
“No, but it doesn’t change how I feel.” He sighs. “There’s a safe house across the city. Know I don’t have the right to ask you to trust me, but I’m askin’ it anyway.”
I wish I had time and space to figure my feelings out, but all that matters right now is keeping my daughter safe.
“Okay.”
Relief washes over him. “We’ll stay there while we figure out who’s behind this.”
“What about Maylie and Toby? I can’t just leave my brother and sister.”
“Mace’ll take care of them.”
“But—”
“This fuck ain’t after them. He’s after you.” The brutal truth is a hammer to the gut. “You bein’ around them puts them in danger.” I flinch, even though he’s right. “You don’t have to forgive or forget, Vee, but we fix this first. Then, we fix us.” He hesitates. “If there still is an us.”
I don’t answer. I don’t know how to. The thought of losing him is unthinkable, but this lie is huge.
“Let’s just get to the safe house.”
He nods, stepping back like it kills him and my heart shatters.