Chapter Three #2
Rip’s eyes met mine, surprise flickering briefly before he nodded once.
“My brother’s a good man now. Was a good kid, but he fought and clawed his way through the foster system and managed to get all kinds of scholarships for college.
” His lips lifted in a half grin. “He’s a lawyer, if you can believe it.
Managed to get me out on parole sooner than I should have. ”
“I take it you guys are close?”
Rip lifted one shoulder. “I guess. I try to stay away from him so he doesn’t have to explain his felon brother to any of his colleagues. He gets mad when I don’t call and visits me here. Often. But I don’t want to taint him with my filth.”
“Does he judge you for what you did?” The thought made me want to hunt down his brother and beat some sense into him.
Rip snorted. “If only. He’s made a friend of Griffin and the two of them plot how to overthrow the world. Ethan’s been working with Lana Thompson. You remember her?”
“Yes. The lady who brought me here.”
Rip nodded. “He helps her with legal shit.” He waved his hand slightly. “I don’t get it all. I’m just proud of my little brother.”
I swallowed and looked off in the distance.
“Eric controlled everything,” I whispered, the words rushing out before I could stop them.
“What I wore. Who I spoke to. When and what I ate.” I twisted my fingers in the blanket.
“He isolated me so gradually I barely noticed until I had no one left except him and Mia.
“After a particularly bad… incident,” I couldn’t bring myself to call it a beating, though that’s what it was, “I tried to leave. I packed a bag while he was at work. I was halfway out the door when my phone buzzed.”
I closed my eyes, seeing the images that had appeared on my screen that day.
Images that still haunted my nightmares.
“They were photos. Of me.” My voice dropped to barely above a whisper.
“At a party he’d taken me to months earlier.
I’d gotten drunk and passed out. The photos showed…
showed men I didn’t know. With me. You couldn’t tell from the photos, but I was unconscious.
I only have vague flashes of memory from that night, but I’ve never been blackout drunk before and I don’t think I was then. ”
“You think they drugged you?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe.” I sounded as dead as I felt inside.
Every time I tried to go back and remember exactly what had been done to me, all I felt was anxiety and fear.
“He told me if I didn’t do what he told me, he’d make sure I’d be conscious the next time.
” The words felt like glass in my throat.
“And what happened to me at that party would be nothing compared to the pounding I’d take. ”
I couldn’t look at Rip as I continued. “That’s when he started using me to get to Mia.
He wanted her. Probably because she’s young, but she’s damned good at what she does.
She had connections in the community. Connections she probably didn’t even realize.
” I looked off, a sad smile tugging at my lips.
“Mia is so selfless, she wouldn’t notice how much pull she had in the school and outside of it.
But Eric noticed. I was white trash but a good fuck, he said.
By the time I took a good look around me and realized how bad I had it, I’d basically stopped making decisions.
When I tried, I was paralyzed by indecision.
” I shuddered, the memories so painful I just wanted to forget.
“It was all a mind fuck. I don’t know what end game he had in mind.
Not even sure he knew. But he wanted both of us under his thumb.
Mia managed to keep her own personality and free will.
” I looked away again. “I surrendered mine before I realized there was a battle.”
“You were surviving,” Rip said quietly.
“I should have warned Mia.” Shame burned hot behind my eyes. “I knew what he was, and I still led my best friend right to him. And when he told me to --” I stopped, swallowing hard. “When he told me to sleep with him in her bed, I did it. Because I was too fucking terrified not to.”
“Fear’s a hell of a leash,” Rip said, his voice low and rough.
“That doesn’t excuse what I did to Mia.”
“No,” he agreed. “But it explains why you did it.”
I wiped my eyes with the edge of the blanket. “I can’t believe I just told you all that.”
“Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger.” He covered my hand with his. I’d never moved my own and it still rested on his.
The garden gate creaked open then, and I snatched my hand back.
Fresh from the panic attack, I reacted on instinct.
If Eric had known I’d touched another man for any reason, the beating might not be survivable.
Penny and her twin daughters entered, the girls chattering to each other.
Penny stopped short when she saw us sitting by the fountain.
“Sorry,” she said quickly. “We didn’t mean to interrupt. The girls wanted to check on their tomato plants.”
I forced a watery smile, trying to look like a person who hadn’t just shared her deepest trauma with a man she barely knew. “It’s fine. We were just talking.”
Zelda, the more outspoken twin, eyed Rip with unabashed curiosity. “All the guys here went to jail. What’d you go in for? Did you kill somebody?” she asked without preamble.
“Zelda!” Penny hissed, mortified.
“What?” Zelda gave her mother an exasperated look. “It’s true! Tiny said so. Everyone here has done something to go to prison. But they all had good reasons.” She added the last like it justified whatever anyone here had done. “It’s not like there ain’t people who need to be beat up.”
“Zelda, honey, we don’t --”
“Yes,” Rip answered simply, meeting the girl’s gaze without flinching.
Zelda raised her eyebrows in surprise. “I didn’t expect you to actually admit to it.”
Rip shrugged. “Like you said. Ain’t no secret. Besides. I don’t lie.”
“Zelda, that’s enough,” Penny said firmly.
“It’s OK,” Rip said to Penny. “The kids need to know they can come to any of us for anything and we’ll protect them. Not hurt them.” He held Zelda’s gaze steadily. “No matter what we’ve done in our pasts.”
“Did you have to fight a lot?” Zelda pressed. “Mom says sometimes you have to fight even when you don’t want to.”
Rip’s expression softened slightly. “Sometimes. I don’t recommend it. Better to avoid it when you can.”
“But you can’t always,” Zelda said with the grim certainty of someone much older.
“No,” Rip agreed. “Not always.”
Kira, who had been silent until now, suddenly spoke. “Do you think plants remember the people who water them?” she asked, staring at the garden beds. “Like, do they have favorites?”
The complete change of topic hung in the air for a moment before Rip answered with complete seriousness. “Think they might,” he said. “Everything wants to be treated well.”
A sound like a part laugh, part sob escaped me, startling even myself.
It felt foreign, that small moment of unexpected lightness breaking through the heaviness of the past hour.
The seriousness with which Rip treated Kira’s question made my heart squeeze.
I never knew there were men like the ones here.
Every single one of them, no matter how big and scary looking, no matter what they’d done in their pasts or how violent they could be if necessary, treated everyone in Haven with care and respect.
Penny grinned at me. She’d been in my position. I didn’t know Penny, her daughters, or their story. But I recognized her overall look. Because I saw it every single time I looked in a mirror. Only Penny had escaped her hell. I hadn’t even started to believe I might be able to escape.
“We’re about to check on our carrots too,” Penny said, gesturing toward a different garden bed. “Would you like to see? Kira’s become quite the gardener.”
For a moment, I hesitated, caught between the raw vulnerability of my conversation with Rip and this simple, normal invitation. Then I nodded, letting the blanket slip from my shoulders as I stood on shaky legs.
“I’d like that,” I said, and was surprised to discover I meant it.
Penny and the girls led me to their garden.
It wasn’t large, but there were five tomato plants, along with leaf lettuce, carrots, radishes, and one cucumber plant.
The small plot wasn’t neat by any means.
The rows were crooked and there were a few weeds in the rows, but the plants looked healthy and the tomatoes even had several very small green tomatoes set on the vines.
As I knelt in the soil with the girls and let them show me every single plant, I soaked up the positive attention. How long had it been since I’d had a conversation with anyone without expecting to be beaten down, either physically or verbally? Too long apparently.
I looked up to see Rip standing away from us under a big tree. He leaned with his shoulder against the trunk, his muscled arms crossed over his chest. He reminded me of a silent sentinel, ever watchful, waiting to protect.
After my panic attack, after three years of living in hell, I never thought I’d feel safe with a strange man watching me. But I did. In fact, over the course of the hour or so I spent with Penny, Zelda, and Kira, I found myself glancing Rip’s way to see if he stayed.
When I’d had all I could manage, I stood and brushed off my jeans. The girls said their goodbyes, and I turned to go back inside Haven. Rip moved from his post at the tree and fell into step beside me.
“Are you going to follow me around everywhere?” I didn’t know what I hoped his answer would be.
“Haven’t decided,” he said, matter-of-factly. “I don’t want to crowd you, but I don’t feel right leaving you alone when you’re out of your private space, knowing you have triggers. You should have someone watch over you in case you have another panic attack.”
I blinked up at him, studying him with interest. “You’d follow me around just to make sure I had someone with me if I had a panic attack again?”
He looked confused. “Well, yeah.” He handed me the blanket I’d placed on the fountain’s edge before going to the garden. “Someone has to make sure you have a blanket.”
My eyes misted over, and I had to blink to clear them. One tear slid down my cheek and I ducked my head. “That’s very kind, Rip. You have no idea how much it means to me that you’d offer that kind of help.”
Rip stuck his hands in his pockets when we stopped by my door. “Just tryin’ to be a good person. And I don’t like that you’re not comfortable.” He frowned, looking confused. Or maybe I’d finally lost my mind.
“Thank you, Rip. For taking care of me. I can’t remember the last time someone took that kind of time just to make sure I didn’t lose my mind.”
I looked up at him, and he took a tentative step forward.
His brows were drawn in concentration or confusion.
I couldn’t tell which. He reached out and brushed a lock of hair off my forehead before snatching his hand back.
His cheeks above his beard reddened, and he shoved his hand back in his pocket.
“Sorry.”
“It’s OK. You didn’t hurt me.”
“But I didn’t have permission. I don’t want you to think I’d ever --”
“I don’t!” I cut him off because I didn’t want him thinking I believed he’d hurt me. “You’ve been kind to me and I appreciate it. If you were going to hurt me, you could have just forced your way into my room.”
“And if I did, Knuckles would kill me. Literally. You’re safe here, Jade. If you don’t believe anything else, believe you’re safe here.”
I thought about that for a long moment, studying Rip’s face as I did. Then I nodded slowly. “Yeah. I think I do believe I’m safe here.”
Relief softened his features and I knew I’d said the right thing.
“Good. That’s good.” He took a breath and swallowed.
“Look, if you need anything and I’m not here, just tell any of the women or the guys checking in.
They’ll know how to find me. I can give you my phone number.
That way, if you, uh, you know, have a nightmare or something, I can come sit with you.
” God, the man looked uncomfortable. Did he feel like he had to offer out of obligation?
“It’s OK,” I said, not really knowing what the right answer was. “I know how to find someone if I get overwhelmed.”
To my surprise, instead of looking relieved, Rip looked almost… disappointed?
“Well, the offer stands if you change your mind.” He gave me a small nod. “Maybe I’ll see you around tomorrow.”
“I’d like that.”
He nodded again, then turned to go.
“Rip.” He stopped and turned back to me. “Thank you. I appreciate you helping me. I don’t know what I’d have done if you hadn’t been there.”
“I’m glad I could help.”
We said our goodbyes again, then I shut the door, locking myself inside.
I got the feeling I’d done the wrong thing by not taking his phone number, but I didn’t know if I could ever be comfortable enough with him to actually reach out on my own.
The last thing I needed was another man in my life. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
I’d think about it tomorrow. I simply didn’t have enough energy to muster the brain power for big questions. Like why a man I’d just met made me feel so safe I wanted to cling to him and beg him to never let me go.
And how stupid it made me to believe any man could be as protective and careful of my feelings as Rip tried to be. And if he did happen to be the real thing, what in God’s name made me think he could ever be interested in a broken, beaten woman like me.