CHAPTER 10 TRAUMA RESPONSES #2
Throughout high school, hockey and school were my focus and I refused to make time for dating.
When I got my hockey scholarship, I went a little wild.
“I was still adamantly against dating, and I got it into my head that a relationship would be a distraction. Then I met Melody.”
Talon rubbed his good hand down his face.
The frown grew as his shoulders and stomach tightened.
“We were in our sophomore year. She ran into me, and I thought she was beautiful. All my promises about not dating went right out the window. Melody and hockey were my world. We met when I was twenty, and we dated for six years. Two years ago, the day I was going to propose,
I found her in our bed fucking another guy.”
He gulped, avoiding my eyes. Hurt lacerated his voice.
“Melody tried to turn it on me; tell me it was my fault. She’d been cheating on me for four years. I let that woman see every piece of me. She went to my dad’s funeral. I really loved her, but she clearly didn’t feel the same.”
Reaching for his hand, I squeeze it gently. What could I possibly say to him? I’d never been cheated on. There weren’t words I could give him. “I’m sorry, Talon.”
“I’d say it’s okay, but I haven’t been around another woman openly like that since.” His blue eyes met mine. “At least not until you.” His face softened, his entire body finally relaxing.
“I guess I’m honored then.”
Talon smiled softly. It didn’t quite meet his eyes. It almost seemed like he had more to say, but he didn’t seem quite ready to tell the full story. “You should be.”
I smiled back. I appreciated that he had opened up to me.
Some part of him clearly trusted me; he clearly felt comfortable with me.
On the other hand, I was nervous. I’d only opened up to a handful of people.
Most of them ran once they knew. Even my own family had left after a while.
It always became too much for people. As much as I loved Dre, Nat, and Davis, they did not know the full extent of what I had been through.
When my own family had quit on me, it was hard to be vulnerable.
Fear ate at my chest and throat, clawing at me from the inside.
Tears welled in my eyes again as I continued to think about my lot in life. My life hasn’t been perfect or easy, but it led me here. There were for sure aspects I would change. There were years of pain I would erase, but all of it got me here. Serendipity.
“Aife.” I was in Talon’s lap again. He was gently stroking my hair. “I won’t judge you.”
I sniffed. “I’m more worried you’ll leave.”
“I won’t.” His voice didn’t waver, assured and firm. “You can’t promise that,” I said, burying my head into his chest. “My own family left because of it.” It was weird to me how much I wanted to trust this man I barely knew, how much I already cared for him.
“Aife.” Talon sounded like he was ready to beg. His hand tightened on my waist.
“No, Talon. I can’t. Every time I open up, people leave me. It’s my burden to carry and my burden alone.”
Tears streamed down my face. “No one else should bear the weight. It’s not fair to others. This is my life, my albatross. Everyone thinks they can handle it, but they can’t. There are days I can’t even handle it.” I was shouting now.
“Aife,” he said as his eyes widened.
I scrambled from his lap. “You just got injured. You shouldn’t even care about my shit! You should focus on you. Fuck, maybe Davis and Zeke should take care of you. What am I doing?”
I was in full freak out mode now. Something had triggered my trauma, and I couldn’t stop the spiral.
Fear roared through my chest, turning my breath ragged, pained.
Talon looked scared, like I was crazy. It was a look I was all too familiar with.
I was self-sabotaging; I always did this with men.
People couldn’t get close to me. I was dangerous, toxic.
My burden suffocated people. My breath was ragged.
My cheeks were flushed and hot, tears still streaming down my face.
It was hard to take air into my lungs. My throat constricted, burning as I tried to breathe.
One large hand encircled my wrists before I was pulled into a solid chest.
My feet left the ground, and we were headed to my room.
Talon pulled the covers back before cuddling with me.
He said nothing as he scratched my back and allowed me to cry.
I felt out of control. What the hell was happening?
Fear and hurt grappled in my body, causing me to flail, kicking out.
“Breathe, Aife.” He rubbed circles into my back as a weight came down on my legs.
“When my dad died, I freaked out a lot too. I would have panic attacks and go into rages. It felt so unfair and like everything was out of control. I’d get mad at the wrong people. There was no good outlet for my bad emotions.” His voice soothed, gentle but firm.
I sniffled again. “I’m sorry.” It came out croaked, as broken as I felt—as I was.
“It’s okay.” He traced small circles around my waist and up my back. “You have post-traumatic stress disorder, don’t you?”
“How…” I lifted my eyes, catching those blue ones. “My brother has it. When he gets triggered, he reacts nearly the same way. What triggered you?” His voice stayed even.
Taking a shaking breath in, I tried to remember techniques I told patients. “Honestly, I’ve been triggered since we went to the ER. Before you berate me—you had a broken wrist. It wasn’t about me.”
“Why the fuck did you go?” Talon sounded irritated, maybe even mad. My eyes fell to my hands, and the fear kicked back in.
“Because I care about you.” The words came out of my mouth faster than I could stop them, and I peeked up at him.
Every one of his features softened. “Darling, what aren’t you telling me?”
“You’ll think I’m broken, Talon. I…I am broken.
Outside of work and soccer, I am barely a functioning person. No one knows that either. I try to hide it so no one else is burdened by me. But, I feel like I’m drowning.”
“Let me lighten your load.” He gently grasped my chin. “That’s what friends do.” There were words left unsaid; it was clear in his eyes. He looked at me like I was the moon and stars, free of pain.
“We’ve only known each other for like two months.”
That wasn’t enough time for me to open up.
Breaking down in front of him was a major mistake.
Chicago was supposed to be a new start, away from the trauma.
Trauma had a funny way of finding me though.
Could I even trust Talon? What would he do with my secrets?
Another betrayal would kill me, of that I was sure.
My own family couldn’t handle what I had been through.
It started after my knee surgery. I’d always been a sick person, needing surgery after surgery, but this was different.
The pain I was in was indescribable. There were these sharp, blinding pains at the base of my skull and the top of my head.
These pains were unbearable. I couldn’t tolerate light or have any kind of noise around me.
At some point, I lost my peripheral vision.
Then came the volatile mood swings. One moment I was crying, the next in an inexplicable rage.
The worst was the inability to sleep. There were times I’d go seventy-two hours without sleeping.
I felt crazy, and those symptoms lasted for four years!
I alienated everyone, and I had been terrible to be around.
Words I could never take back had left my mouth.
Doctors seemed unable to diagnose me. Mom made it all about her, Dad avoided me, and my brother told me I was a raging bitch.
I felt crazy. Each year, my symptoms got worse.
How I passed grad school was a mystery. As the pain increased, so did my desire to die.
I was living a half life, and no one could figure out a solution.
The last year I was sick was the worst year of my life.
It was a time I’d rather forget. Only my family knew, and they treated me like a pariah. Talon couldn’t know.
“Aife, I care about you too.” He looked so earnest as he said it. His eyes soft, his face open. “I just told you about getting cheated on. It can’t be worse than that, right?”
I looked up at the handsome hockey star. “It can be.
I wouldn’t wish what I went through on my worst enemy.”
“Were…” He trailed off, gulping. “Were you raped?”
“No.”
“Aife…” His tone was argumentative, ready to push.
“Talon, drop it. You need to rest anyway. Just please, sleep and forget you witnessed anything.”
He sighed. “Fine. For now.” Talon settled in bed,
elevating his wrist on the pillow I provided him. “Actually, not fine. Aife, seriously… what is going on?” His jaw clenched, brows furrowed.
“Pressuring and berating me isn’t going to make me open up. I’m thankful you trust me and opened up, but I’m just not there yet.” I wanted to turn away, hurt lancing my heart.
Talon sighed again. “Okay, I guess I can get that.
I’m sorry, darling. One thing to know about me is I’m pushy with the people I care for. You’ve somehow wormed your way in.”
Once again, tears welled in my eyes. “You’re a good man, Talon. I promise to open up one day. You just can’t push me before I’m ready.”
“I’ll try. Good night, Aife.”
“Night, night.”