Chapter 10 #2
“It will be here before you know it. It seems like the older I get, or maybe it’s the older Mia gets, time seems to fly by. She’s going to have her first birthday soon—well, two months—but to me, that’s too soon.”
“They grow up fast.” He nods.
“Yeah,” I agree.
“I always wanted more,” he says, shocking me. “Candice and I, we argued a lot, and the time never felt right.”
“I can’t have kids,” I tell him. “We tried for so long, and when we finally decided to adopt, he got his assistant pregnant, and he was done with me.”
“I’m sorry,” Will says, and his eyes tell me he means it. It’s not just empty words to fill the space between us. “He didn’t deserve you. Either of you,” he adds, including Mia, and my heart swells ten sizes.
“I know. I worry about doing it on my own, and I would love for her to have a sibling, but being a single mom of one is hard enough. I don’t know that I could do it with two.”
“You could,” Will says, his voice firm. “Just give it some time. Let Mia get a little older, and you might change your mind. Besides, you know you have a massive support group.”
“But it’s not their job to help me raise them.”
Will places his elbows on the table and leans forward.
“Everyone needs help, Mandy. Single parents and two parents—it takes a village. I know you’ve heard that.
I understand you feel the weight of responsibility because you chose to take this journey of parenthood on your own, but it’s okay not to have it all together all the time.
It’s okay to let your best friend demand a sleepover, or for you to even ask her for one.
You’re an incredible mother. Don’t let the noise, the doubts, or the insecurities get in the way of that.
Any child on the receiving end of your love would be damn lucky. ”
Emotion wells in the back of my throat, and thankfully, Todd saves me because he drops off refills and our pretzel bites. “Thank you,” I whisper. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it’s not for Will to reach across the table and take my hand in his.
“I meant every word.” His warm chocolate gaze is locked on mine, and it’s suddenly hard to breathe. He releases me and picks up a pretzel bite, dips it into the cheese, and pops it into his mouth. “So good,” he says, and I can’t resist taking one for myself.
“How’s work going?” he asks.
Covering my mouth while I finish chewing, I take a quick drink before answering. “Good. It’s a lot to make sure we have talent seven days a week, but I enjoy it. I’ve got good health benefits, which is important, and I can make my own hours, even work from home when needed.”
“The flexibility makes it nice.”
“It does. Ethan and I always talked about me staying home once we had kids, but…” My voice trails off.
“Is that what you wanted or what he wanted for you?”
I take a few minutes to think about my answer.
“Both, I think. I’d love nothing more than to be able to stay home with Mia.
There are days I drop her off at day care, and I just want to cry, but I know it’s good for her, especially as she gets older, to be around other children and learn the structure.
” I do know that it’s good for her, but damn, I feel like a bad mom every time I drop her off.
Feel like I’m not doing enough. Not there for her as I should be.
I know it’s my hangup, and that comes from the scars of my divorce.
“Taking your child to day care doesn’t make you a bad mom, Mandy,” he says gently.
“How did you know that’s where my mind was going?”
The smile he gives me is soft and warm, and I could quickly get addicted to seeing him look at me that way. “Because I know you. You’re too hard on yourself.”
“Now you sound like Bellamy,” I tease. It’s important that I bring her into this conversation because I’m quickly forgetting that the man across from me is her father—not simply a kind, caring man who offered to have dinner with me. He is all of that, but he’s also someone I can’t have.
I should really consider that dating app again. I’m starting to see things that aren’t there, and with a man whom I could never go there with.
Is this what rock bottom feels like? Or is it that I’m so starved for a man’s attention that I’m seeing it when it’s not really there?
It’s been far longer than just since my divorce.
Ethan and I hadn’t slept together in a few months.
We tried endlessly to conceive, but to no avail.
I wanted to get tested. He said we would just adopt.
I was fine with that. He said we didn’t need to know which one of us had the issue because it could build resentment, and I agreed with him.
Turns out, the problem was me. That’s an easy enough elimination when his assistant was four months pregnant by the time I found out about his affair. I don’t even know if she was the only one, and honestly, I don’t care.
“I’ll take that as a compliment.” He grins. “My daughter is very smart.”
“That she is,” I agree as our food is delivered.
Will immediately cuts off a piece of steak and holds his fork up to me across the table. “You have to try it,” he tells me.
I lift my fork to try to take it from him, and he shakes his head, laughing. “Just bite it off my fork. I don’t have cooties,” he teases.
Ethan hated eating after me. I wasn’t even allowed to drink out of his cups. Old habits die hard, I guess.
Leaning forward, I wrap my lips around the fork, and, unintentionally, my eyes find Will’s as I do. I feel like I’m moving in slow motion, until my back is pressed against the booth and I’m chewing.
“Okay, that’s not bad,” I tell him. His smile grows. “I didn’t have to work to chew it.”
“I can make a mean steak,” Will boasts. “Next time, you’re trying mine. It will melt in your mouth. You can cut it with a fork,” he says, and I just smile and nod.
Do I know if I’ll ever get the chance to eat one of his steaks?
No, I don’t. But tonight, here, as we sit across from each other, sharing a delicious meal, and even better company, I don’t think about what’s next.
I don’t think about how I shouldn’t be here with him.
I’m just here. I’m allowing myself the rest of the night to just be, and tomorrow, I’ll get my shit together.
Tomorrow, I’ll no longer allow myself to think of Will as anything but my best friend’s dad.