29. Twenty-Nine
Twenty-Nine
I collar the doctor on his way to the bathroom. His bladder can wait a few minutes longer.
“We need to talk,” I bark, directing him to the stairs. Dr. Mendhi follows me silently. I wonder if he was expecting this. “Please sit,” I say, waving my hand at the single seat in the corner of my room. “There has to be more we can do.”
Dr. Mendhi eyes me warily. “What do you suggest?”
“Did you ever conduct blood tests on the humans that unsuccessfully mated with vampires?”
“No.”
“Why not?” Surely he thought of it.
“I’m tasked to help find a cure for the fallen—”
“And yet you failed to take their human mate into account?”
“This is the first time I have come across human and vampire blood conjoined.”
“Now you know, so shouldn’t you be testing their blood?”
“To what end? To satisfy your need for answers? All the humans that unsuccessfully mated with a vampire are now dead. Do you wish for me to exhume the bodies for you?”
“For me? This isn’t about me,” I defend.
“It absolutely is, Amelia. Even if I did what you are asking, what would it prove? It would tell us what we have just discovered. You will still have to wait for Erin to turn thirty, to be sure.”
“That’s not acceptable,” I growl.
“Maybe not, but that’s all we have. I cannot expedite the process, Amelia. We know you have bonded, that’s almost a certainty. So why is waiting three years to see if Erin changes so terrible?”
“Because…” Because what? If Erin was already a vampire, we would have to wait. There is no difference. When I think of Erin changing, I feel… wrong? Something doesn’t sit right about it. Is that why I want to know if it will happen? Am I scared she will change?
“You’re conflicted,” he says matter-of-factly.
“I don’t want to live without her,” I whisper, mostly to myself.
“But the idea of her changing is a problem?” The doctor understands me more than I like.
Gripping my hair in my hands, I stare at the floor. What’s going on with me? I should be jumping for joy that Erin and I mated. But all I feel is fear and anxiety. I thought it was because I could lose Erin, or that she would reject me. But maybe it’s because I might actually get to keep her. But at what cost?
“Can I give you some advice?” The doctor is sitting with his elbows on his knees, his chin resting on his fists. I nod. “Speak to Erin. And I mean, lay it all out there for her. I’m a doctor and I trust in science and what I can prove with data. But… after working with you and after talking with Barty and Anya, I believe there is more to the mating process. More than science can explain.”
“Meaning?”
“The reason you and Erin didn’t initially bond after being physical was because you were holding back from her. I believe that immortality isn’t guaranteed for any of us.”
“What are you talking about?” I laugh mirthlessly. “Of course it is. When vampire’s mate, they become immortal. Everyone knows that.”
“I beg to differ. We’ve assumed that’s how it works, but I think there’s more to it. I think we actively choose immortality.”
“You’re losing me.”
“It’s only now that I see the truth.”
“And the truth would be?” My patience is ebbing.
“Just like the bonding process, if two people don’t give themselves one hundred percent willingly, if they don’t choose to be immortal, they won’t.”
“You think vampires can choose a different path?”
“Yes.”
“What?”
“You need to forget what you think you know,” he says. Because that’s easy, right? “Before we were aware of the ‘rules’ surrounding our change, vampires simply fell in love. They weren’t burdened with finding a mate before their thirtieth birthday. They found their soulmate, and that was that. Just like humans. They found their love and embraced it forever. It was their choice.
“When you finally gave yourself fully to Erin, you chose to do that, as did she.” Is this what Barty meant when he said vampires could choose immortality ?
“Okay, let me get this straight. You believe that Erin and I could choose not to become immortal?”
“Yes. For Erin, the consequences of that decision are unknown, but we know what that would mean for you. Although, factoring in my new theory…” I lose him momentarily to his thoughts. He’s obviously working through some sort of epiphany.
“I’ll go nuts.” I interject.
“Maybe.”
“Great!”
“Amelia. The question here is why are you fighting this so much? Is it simply because you’ve expected your time on Earth to end at thirty for so long that the alternative is unthinkable, or is it more?”
“I didn’t know you were a Doctor of Psychology too!” I snap. Dr. Mendhi holds up his hands, mimicking his surrender.
“I have no such qualification. I’ll leave you to your thoughts. Although, Amelia, I would be remiss to leave you without telling you to talk to Erin. If not her, your family. Because what’s ruminating in your mind is the one thing that will put both your and Erin’s immortality at risk. Of that I’m sure.”
Hiding away in my room isn’t helping. I keep replaying my conversation with the doctor. I know I need to talk to Erin. But before that, I need to get things straight in my mind .
What is it about Erin changing that is making me feel this way? Am I still hung up on mating with a human? After several moments of introspection, I know that’s not it, but I think it does have something to do with humanity. Yes, that’s it. I don’t feel comfortable with Erin giving up her humanity. But then, does that mean I think vampires are less than humans? No, that doesn’t track.
“Penny for your thoughts?” I close my eyes and let the melody of Erin’s voice wash over me.
“I was just on my way down,” I lie.
“No, you weren’t. You were hiding up here. I just want to know why and how I can help?”
Holding my hand out to her, I breathe a sigh of relief when her warmth and love tingles through my body the moment her skin touches my own. “Sit,” I say, squeezing her hand.
“Please tell me what’s wrong, Amelia. I’m not blind. You wear your emotions on your face for the world to see.”
“I had an interesting chat with Dr. Mendhi,” I begin. “He now thinks we can choose immortality. That it’s entirely up to us.”
“That’s an interesting thought.”
“Hmmm.”
“You don’t think he’s right?”
“I don’t know, maybe.”
“So, is that what you wanted to talk to him about? Immortality?”
“No, I wanted him to… I just wanted—”
“Wanted what? Amelia, what more could he, me, or you possibly do? We have our answer. Or is that the problem? You don’t like what he said. You don’t like the thought of me changing. ”
“Do you know what you would be choosing? I mean, really? It’s okay for you to say you want this, to live with me forever, but you’re human. You were meant to live and grow old with your family. They will get old and die. You will have to watch everyone you love leave. You won’t even be able to be there with them in the end because, unlike them, you won’t have aged a day.”
“I understand that,” Erin begins, but she can’t possibly mean it.
“How can you say that so calmly? I couldn’t watch my brothers and sisters grow old and die. Nor my parents.”
“Amelia, I don’t have all the answers. It’s not like I saw any of this coming—”
“I know, and that makes it worse. It makes this impossible situation my fault. I should have just stayed away. I’d made peace with my future.”
“You think you should have hidden away and waited to go mad? You think you should have gotten to the point where your parents or siblings had to decide which one of them would have to kill you?” Erin is getting worked up, but she isn’t shouting, she isn’t running. Not like me.
“But you would have been safe, Erin. You would have made a life, probably with Mack.”
“Mack?”
“Yes. I know you liked her. She may have messed up in the end, but I think she’s a decent person. Just a tad jealous.”
“Amelia, what the hell are you going on about?”
“She still likes you; you know. I saw her at the club not so long ago. You were talking at the bar.”
“Mack came to apologize and ask if she could have another chance. However, she was under no illusions once I told her how I felt about you. Why didn’t you tell me you saw that?”
“I thought if it were anything important, you would tell me. Anyway, it’s not about that. I want you to be happy and safe, surrounded by the people you love. Not losing them.”
“I love you, Amelia, and I love your family. I’m not going to deny it will hurt when those times come, and I have to say goodbye to my parents or my friends. But that’s an inevitability anyway. Death is a part of life. But Amelia, it’s my choice. I’m not blindly following you like some lovesick puppy. My soul is yours, my heart and mind, too. If I thought my parents would understand, I would tell them about all of this. And I’m pretty sure they would encourage me to follow my heart.”
“Your entire life will change. You’ll need to drink red. Have you thought about that?”
“I doubt that will be an issue. When I change—”
“If you change.”
“No, when. If Dr. Mendhi is correct, it’s my choice, right? I’ve made peace with the new trajectory of my life, Amelia. It’s time you did the same. Forget about me and what will happen. That’s my burden to bear. Think about yourself and what you want. Do you want to spend eternity with me?”
“I could choose mortality,” I say.
“You’d be choosing death. We know what it would mean for you to stay mortal.”
“Not necessarily, according to the good doctor—”
“You’re willing to gamble on a theory?”
“Isn’t that what we’re doing now? ”
“No, it’s not. We’ve bonded. I’ve tasted your blood. There is no reason to think I won’t change just like Anya, unless… you decide you don’t want that. I may be new to the world of vampires, Amelia, but I’m a quick study. If the doctor is right and our choice can make a difference, the only way I will remain mortal is if you choose that. Not me, I know what I want.” Erin rises from the bed, still holding my hand. “Decide what you want, Amelia, for both our sakes.”
“Erin–”
“No, I’ve said what I needed to say. No one can give you the answers you’re searching for, love, no one but you.”
Erin leaves me to my own thoughts, and I immediately miss her presence. Closing my eyes, I home in on her. It’s wonderful knowing no matter where in the world I am, I will always feel her with me. Is that how Erin feels about me?