30. Thirty
Thirty
T here is no choice to make. My rational brain knows that. I cannot live without Erin. And yet this panic attack I seem to be suffering from would indicate my rational brain isn’t in charge of me right now.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I count my breaths, hoping they will slow enough for me to take a proper lungful of air. Why am I spiraling? A large hand on my back brings me back from the brink of unconsciousness. “Breathe, Amelia,” my father’s voice instructs delicately.
My eyes snap open, seeking his, and the safety they offer. I can hear my raspy breathing. My chest is tight. “I… I…”
“It’s okay, honey. In and out, nice and slow. Listen to me breathing and try to follow along.” He places my hand on his chest, and I can feel it rise and fall. It’s working. My body is mimicking his and my breathing is becoming steady and calm .
“Th-thank you,” I stutter. I grip his shirt, anchoring myself. This is not me. I don’t have panic attacks. I’m the calm child, the laid-back one, not this!
“Are you feeling up for telling me what brought this on?” he asks quietly.
“I… I don’t know. Everything just feels out of control.”
“Understandably,” he placates. “I don’t think I have ever seen you have a panic attack, though, Amelia. You’re usually quite steadfast and confident in your emotions.” That’s right, I am. I think logically and realistically. Well, I used to do that. “Is this something to do with Dr. Mendhi’s news?”
“Yes and no,” I answer honestly. “He told you?” My father nods. “And it’s good, right? It’s a positive step.”
“It is. Do you think differently?”
“No, I know it’s what we’ve been waiting for.”
“But?”
“No but. I’ve just been feeling overwhelmed lately.”
My father settles on the bed next to me, his arm tugging me to his body. “You’ve always been the stoic one, you know. As a child, you would endure everything on your own, no matter how much your mother and I wanted to help. You had to do it alone.”
I wipe my face free of tears and look at his face again. I’m so similar to him in every way. “I enjoy working things out on my own,” I reply. I’ve never meant to cut my parents out, or my other siblings. It’s just how I operate.
“I know, honey. It’s not a bad thing.”
“But?” I smile, which he returns.
“But I think it means you’ve never fully allowed yourself to let someone else in. I don’t know why you guarded your little heart so fiercely back then and now, but I think that’s what drives you to keep to yourself.”
Looking back, I remember feeling uncomfortable anytime I was vulnerable. There is no specific memory I have of the reason I felt the need to shy away from others. All I know is that it felt safer that way.
“Having the ability to shield yourself like that is probably why you handled not finding a mate better than all of us combined,” he smiles. “But you are still a person with emotions. Recent events have been hard on all of us, but especially you, sweetie.”
“Why, though, why can’t I deal with it like I normally do?”
“Because you’ve never let anyone close enough until Erin. Now you have a whole other person to worry about and I think that terrifies you.”
It does. Before Erin, I never felt the urge to protect someone with my life. Of course, I love my family, but it’s not the same. Maybe that’s why I didn’t do much to find a mate? My mind knew I wouldn’t be able to cope with all the uncertainty having a mate entails. I can’t control the world; therefore I can’t keep Erin safe. And that’s all I want to do. The thought of anything happening to that perfect specimen of a human being claws at my heart. I feel the vice grip of worry clamp down on me again at the mere thought of Erin not being okay. I can handle something happening to me, but not her.
“Your worry and your need for answers are just a reaction to feeling something foreign. It will pass, Amelia, if you let Erin help you. It’s not on you to be the strong one all of the time.”
“But I need to be strong. I need to do what’s best for Erin.”
“And what is it you think is best? ”
“I… I told her it might have been better if she’d never met me. If she’d stayed with Mack.” I sob at the thought of Erin with someone other than me.
“Do you really believe what you said?”
I shake my head. “No,” I whisper.
“I can’t imagine it felt good for Erin to hear you say those things.”
“What about when she has to say goodbye to her family?” I ask. My brain will just not let go of all the insecurities whirling around my body.
“You will get through it together. I know this is scary, Amelia. I know you want to push everything and everyone away because you think that’s what will keep you safe, but you’re wrong. Life is uncertain. There are no guarantees, but if you choose to push Erin away, you are guaranteeing her pain and your own.”
“I never want to hurt her.”
“Then stop running from her. Stop demanding answers and control. Be here, with her, through it all. Be her mate, the one she deserves, the one she fell in love with.”
Wrapping my arms around my father, I hold him tight. “Thank you.”
“Anytime, sweetie. That’s what I’m here for.”
“I can’t believe you’re going to be a daddy again,” I laugh through my tears. Whatever I’m going through, I feel it might be coming to an end. I just hope Erin will forgive me. I’m clearly not going to be an easy vampire to love. Who knew I had so many unknown issues I need to work through?
“Another Loch,” he laughs. “It’s going to be fun.”
“I hope we have that someday. ”
“A child?”
“Yeah. One that looks like Erin. Gold hair and blue eyes. There’s enough lanky raven-haired vampires in this family already,” I chuckle.
“So I’m carrying our kid now?” Erin is standing in the hallway, smiling at me.
“I’ll leave you two to talk,” Father whispers. He passes Erin and kisses her on the cheek.
“Hey,” I say weakly.
“I was eavesdropping,” Erin states boldly. Should I be mad? I’m not, if anything, I’m relieved. “You’ve been holding a lot inside, my love, for a very long time, by the sounds of it.”
“I didn’t know I was the type to have a breakdown,” I smile shyly.
“Have you really been this scared all along?” Erin kneels in front of me, her chin rests on my lap as she looks up into my eyes.
“I have never felt this way about anything or anyone, Erin. All the uncertainty just got too much. I’ve finally found you, and so far, everything has pointed to me losing you. It’s painful to even contemplate.”
“I know the feeling, sweetie. The moment I learned what could happen to you if we didn’t mate was the worst thing I think I’ve ever had to hear.”
“But we mated. I’m not going to fall.”
“If you choose us, no, you won’t. Are you ready to do that? Face your fears and be with me? No matter what the outcome is on my birthday?”
Nodding, I take her face in my hands, gently urging her to her feet. Looking up into her angelic face, I know I have to stop letting my anxiety and negativity win. “I’ll be with you every step of the way. I choose you, Erin, always. I choose immortality with you, if that’s what you want. I’ll do anything for you, my love.”
“Anything?”
“Anything!”
“Make love to me, Amelia.”
There is nothing on this Earth I want more. I’ve been foolish, pushing Erin away when I know she is the only person in my life that can anchor me, make me believe everything will work out, that we really can have eternity together.
I remain sitting on the end of the bed. Opening my legs, I urge her to step between them. My hands gently grip her waist as I take her in. She is exquisite, and she is mine. Erin runs her hands through my hair, which sends tingles throughout my entire body. “Kiss me,” I whisper.
Bending forward, Erin brushes her nose against mine. I hear her inhale deeply. Her grip tightens on my head, causing electricity to bolt through my pussy. God, I want her. Instead of our lips meeting, Erin swipes her tongue across my bottom lip faintly. I respond by dropping my hands to her ass, pulling her forward until she’s straddling my legs.
With her dress bunched up around her thighs, I massage her backside, encouraging her to move those sensual hips. Erin’s pillowy lips find my neck. I feel the tip of her tongue against my skin and then a delicious pain as she bites down.
Twisting my body, I flip us ‘round. Erin lands on her back with a soft bounce. Releasing my grip, I push her dress up higher and then I see she’s gone commando and all my birthdays and Christmases have been made. “You’re not wearing any panties,” I growl, my mouth salivating at her pink, swollen folds.
“Nope,” she states, and her eyes flash with need.
“You are perfect, Erin Hanson,” I mutter, already lowering my head. The first taste of her sweet ambrosia makes my eyes retreat to the back of my skull. She’s like fine wine.
Her clit is rigid. If I close my eyes and focus, I can almost hear the blood pulsing through it. I can feel its desperate cry for attention. My tongue traces the edge of her desire. Erin shivers and groans. Her hands grip the duvet hard.
“Amelia, suck me, please.”
Her pleas obliterate my restraint. Surging forward, I take her clit into my mouth. Her hips move with every slow suck and together we form a rhythm that is moving Erin closer to exultation. My hands travel up her torso. I blindly pull at the cups of her strapless dress. My fingertips meet her supple breasts. I palm them, massaging, then pulling her nipples, all the time amping up the tempo of my sucks and licks.
“Yes,” she hisses, as I pinch her nipples a little harder. I am completely in tune with her body. I can feel the exact moment my actions breathe life into her building pleasure.
Opening my eyes, I am stunned to see waves of light radiating off Erin. Gold and blue hues pulse and she shakes. “Oh… oh, Amelia… I’m… I’m com—” Her voice cuts off abruptly as her orgasm rips through her body. I continue sucking until Erin’s hand on my head begs me to stop. “I… I can’t take it anymore.”
My face is covered in her come, and I want more. Sliding up her body, I rest myself on top of her. Our kiss is fierce, but full of love. Erin cleans my mouth with her tongue. I reach between her legs and enter her. I love the way I steal her breath and the way she bites my chin.
Her hands fumble with the clasp of my pants. Moving, I create space for Erin’s fingers to slide into my panties. I know I’m dripping, and Erin’s little pleasurable groan tells me she’s just as happy as I am that her fingers are being coated with my arousal.
Our tongues and teeth clash as we fuck each other. Erin wanted me to make love to her, and I am, but I can’t go slow, not right now. My carnal desire to ravage her is too strong. Although, with the way Erin is pumping into me, I don’t think she could slow down either.
“Er—Erin,” I grunt, my hips pushing her fingers deeper and I am about to explode. “Fuck, yes!” I gasp as I flood her hand. Those blue and gold hues dance in front of my eyes once again. Our collective screams are swallowed by each other.
Rolling off her, I take Erin into my arms. Her head snuggles into my neck, and we simply lay there, recovering. Minutes pass before Erin stirs. “Did you see that?” she asks. My mind is still in a sex haze, and I don’t really understand what she’s saying. “Did you see the colors?”
I shift my head to see her better. “Yes, I saw. I saw them when we mated as well.”
“I think that’s all the proof you need, my love, that we are made for each other. We literally create beauty together.”
“I’ll never question us ever again. I swear it.”