Chapter 27
HAYDEN
Arap on the door has my head turning, but any fantasy of Hailee slipping into the room and joining me in the shower are soon shattered when she shouts, “The food’s here.”
I nod, letting my arms hang limply at my sides, trying not to be disappointed. I’m currently naked in Hailee Caldwell’s apartment after watching her get off in my lap, wearing only a bra and leggings. It’s hands down one of the best nights of my life. Finishing in my boxers like a teenager aside.
“Fuck,” I groan, dragging my hand down my face as embarrassment rushes through me once more.
I really didn’t need another reminder of why I have no place being here with Hailee.
Not only am I almost a decade younger than her, but she’s also incredibly beautiful and successful, and everything I want in a woman.
Not to mention our jobs. That should be enough to stop us from doing this, but I’ve dreamed about her since the day I first stepped into the LA Vipers arena.
There’s no fucking way I’m not taking this chance when it’s handed to me.
And Hailee…she’s an incredibly smart woman.
She knows what she’s doing. If she didn’t want me here, then I wouldn’t be.
If she didn’t want to be in that closet with me earlier, she wouldn’t have been.
If she didn’t want to be grinding down on my lap earlier, she wouldn’t have been.
“I’ll be right there,” I bellow, despite the fact that she’s probably long walked off, before turning her shower off and stepping out.
I cast an eye at my pile of discarded clothes, my ruined underwear.
Get it together, Monroe. No woman wants a boy who can’t control himself.
Dressed in a fresh pair of boxer briefs, those gray sweats I teased her with, and a thin white Vipers tee, I head out, the scent of those wings and the garlic bread I added at the last minute making my stomach growl.
My footsteps falter the second my eyes land on her standing in her kitchen in nothing but an oversized T-shirt.
Hearing me coming, she glances back over her shoulder. The second our eyes connect, I swear I stop breathing.
The air crackles between us, and my cock threatens to start tenting my sweats.
Slowly, so freaking slowly, she turns before her eyes drop from mine in favor of taking a leisurely trip down my body.
My temperature soars as I bite on the inside of my cheeks in a pathetic attempt to get control of myself.
Her gaze freezes on my crotch—as if that’s going to help my fucking situation.
“Good choice,” she murmurs before turning back to the containers of food as if she wasn’t just looking at me like she wanted to devour me instead.
“I could say the same thing about you,” I rasp as I move closer and breathe in her sweet, floral scent.
Like me, she’s rocking Vipers merch, but damn, it looks so much better on her.
The soft fabric drowns her, the sleeves hanging to her elbows and the hem almost at her knees, but as loose as it might be on her, it’s impossible to miss that she’s braless beneath it.
The sight of her nipples pressing against the fabric has my mouth watering.
“I’m not sure I’m hungry for the wings anymore,” I confess, stepping up right behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist and resting my chin on her shoulder.
Contentment surges through me. It’s such a simple, insignificant move, but fuck, it means everything to me. To have her here, to be here with her after the night I’ve had…I don’t think she’ll ever understand what she’s given me in the last few weeks. Just how much she means to me.
“You need to eat,” she says firmly.
“Mmm, a machine this good needs fuel.”
“Such a hockey player,” she teases, twisting out of my arms and carrying two of the plates she’s put together toward the coffee table.
She has a perfectly good island and a dining table on the other side of the room, but she ignores both and drops to her ass in the middle of the room.
“Are you coming or what?” Her smirk tells me that her comment isn’t entirely innocent, and embarrassment threatens again.
Lock it down, Monroe. Move on.
“Oh, I’m coming,” I quip, grabbing the plate in front of me and moving to join her.
She watches me, her hazel eyes glittering with mischief. It’s a look I’m becoming entirely too obsessed with.
“You don’t need to be embarrassed,” she tells me softly.
I shake my head, losing the battle as heat creeps onto my cheeks.
“It’s not great though, is it? I’m meant to have better self-control than that.”
“Says who?” she asks. “I think it’s hot.”
I blink at her, surprised by her words.
“Really?”
“Hell, yeah. You were turned on enough by what we were doing, by me, that you couldn’t last longer. I’ve never experienced that before.”
“Try being a teenage boy,” I mutter under my breath, making her laugh.
“I kinda wanna make you do it again,” she admits, making my chin drop.
“Gotta admit, I was having other thoughts about the next time you make me come.”
Her breath comes out in a rush, her eyes darkening as they hold mine.
“Next time,” she murmurs.
“You know, if you’re willing.”
She nods, but it isn’t the agreement kind, more the, “I heard you, let me have a minute to process,” kind of nod.
Silence falls between us, and we both reach for food.
The wings are insane, as usual, but I don’t enjoy them like I usually would. I’m too busy watching Hailee.
She lowers the bones to the plate, and I laugh at the state of her face.
“Here, you’ve got…” I swipe the barbecue sauce from the corner of her mouth with my thumb and then suck it off.
“I’m a messy eater,” she explains.
“Same. I always get it all over my face.”
Our eyes collide. Hailee’s lips twitch, her eyes crinkling with amusement. She fights it for two seconds before she explodes with laughter.
“Fucking hell, you can’t say that.”
“Why not. It’s true,” I argue, trying to look innocent, but I’m sure I’m failing massively. “I can’t wait to show you.”
“Hayden,” she breathes.
“Yeah, Hails?”
She shakes her head as she licks her fingers clean. The sight of her tongue peeking out ensures my blood continues simmering.
She doesn’t answer right away, and when she does speak, it’s not to say anything like I was expecting. “How are you feeling?”
“Uh…” Horny as hell. Like the luckiest motherfucker on the planet. “Yeah, I’m okay,” I finally say, aware that she’s not talking about what’s happening right now. She’s talking about earlier.
A heavy sigh falls from my lips.
“I don’t think I’ve really had a chance to process it. I went from so low to crazy high so fast that—”
“I’m sorry,” she blurts, cutting me off.
“What? Why are you sorry? You haven’t done anything wrong.”
She ducks her head for a moment, her gaze lingering on her plate.
“I saw you slip into that closet, and I moved on instinct. I didn’t stop to think about any of the consequences. A little like earlier on my couch. I just saw you hurting, and I followed. I had no idea if you wanted me there, or—”
“I always want you there, Hails,” I assure her, hating seeing her questioning herself.
“I was struggling. Knowing that I was going to go out there and she wasn’t going to be with my parents.
” I rub at my chest as the familiar pain returns.
“It fucking wrecked me. Sitting in the dressing room with the guys as if it was just another game, listening to Coach talk as if everything was normal. Fuck, it sent me spiraling because nothing is normal. Nothing ever will be again.”
She doesn’t say anything; she just watches me with empathy etched into her features as she listens to me talk.
“In that moment, I didn’t think I was going to be able to go out there. All I could think about doing was running. Away from the pain, the fear, the new normal that everyone expects me to just accept.”
“No one expects that, Hayden. Everyone knows that—”
“I know that. I do,” I assure her. “But in that moment, I felt so alone. Everyone was so locked in on the game and what was expected of them. And there I was, barely able to tread water and keep myself afloat. I want to do the team proud. I want to prove to Coach that he made the right decision by putting me on the second line with Brody. I want to show my parents that everything they sacrificed for me to play hockey was worth it.”
I hate the tears that flood my eyes. I don’t want to cry anymore, but they just won’t stop.
“Hayden,” Hailee breathes, shifting closer so she can take my hand. “You do all of those things. Everyone is proud of you. Everyone knows you belong here; you’ve earned your place time and time again.”
“I hope so,” I force out through the lump in my throat.
Hailee wraps her arms around my shoulders, and she holds me tight as my emotions once again give me whiplash.
I guess that’s something no one can prepare you for when you lose someone.
While you’re going through unimaginable pain, life still goes on.
There are still reasons to smile and laugh, and there are still things that bring you joy.
Desire still exists. But no matter how high the highs might be, the devastation of the low is always waiting just behind it.
Everyone says that it gets easier, and right now, I just have to believe that’s true.
She takes my face in her hands, her eyes locked on mine. “I know so,” she states, her tone leaving no room for argument.
“Thank you for chasing me. If you didn’t, I’m not sure I’d have made it out there tonight.”
She smiles coyly as she retakes her place and picks up a rib.
“I don’t know what I’m doing, Hayden,” she confesses, staring at the plate of garlic bread as if it might hold all the answers.
“Since I moved here, I’ve prided myself on being focused on the job, having everything planned and scheduled.
The only spontaneity I allowed myself was what takeout I might order or which bottle of wine I might grab at the store.
But then I found you in that stairwell at Linc and Parker’s wedding, and everything has gone to hell. ”
Guilt sinks in my gut like a rock.
“I’m sor—”
“No,” she snaps, finally looking at me again.
“I’m not blaming you. Well, not really,” she adds with a little laugh.
“I’m just…I’m trying to explain, trying to understand.
I’m…I’m breaking every freaking rule in the book, risking everything I’ve worked for, everything I’ve built here.
But for the first time in a very long time, I’m stepping out of the box I put myself in when I started over here, and it’s terrifying. But it’s also exhilarating.”
I study her, my brows pinched as a million questions run through my head.
“Why did you put yourself in a box?” I finally settle on.
A self-deprecating laugh tumbles from her lips.
“Because it’s safe. Because while I’m inside, no one can touch me, no one can hurt me. I make the rules, and no one else has any control over my decisions or the moves I make.”
My heart slams against my ribs, and my fists curl with the need to hurt the man who forced her to live her life like that.
“I’m scared too,” I confess, aware that I’ve probably already gotten more out of her than she’s comfortable with.
She smiles at me. “At least we can be scared together.”
“Makes it sound less scary, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah. It really does.”