Chapter 28
HAILEE
Ialways thought I had a big couch, but as I lie here watching the TV with a hockey player stretched out behind me, I realize that it might not actually be big enough.
Hayden’s front is pressed to my back, his solid arm locked around my waist, ensuring that I don’t stand a chance at escaping. Not that I want to.
Despite everything, tonight has been perfect.
Hanging out with him is so easy, even when we’re trying to deal with all the heavy shit that life throws at us.
There’s so much I need to deal with, so many truths I should probably reveal. But doing so makes this even more real.
We shouldn’t be doing this. That isn’t a secret to either of us. But we’re both still here, unable to put a stop to it.
Nothing else has happened between us, and while we’ve talked, it’s not exactly been about what we need to. But talking about what we’re doing here, making it something, it’s terrifying.
It can’t be anything. Not really.
A relationship between us can’t happen. Hell, I don’t even want a relationship.
I’m too busy with work and…I’m too busy with work.
And of course, there are all the other reasons as well.
Like the age gap, my past, the fact that he’s got his whole life ahead of him, and I’ve…
I’ve already been through most of it and have come out the other side jaded and broken.
I don’t mean to let my sigh free, but it happens regardless, and Hayden’s arm tightens around me protectively.
“What’s wrong?” he rasps.
Talk about a loaded question.
“I don’t know,” I finally whisper.
“Tell me about it.” The movie he chose continues to play, but despite staring at it, I don’t know what’s happening. I’m too lost in my own head. I’m too content, I’m too confused. I’m…lost. I’ve opened up that box, and now I don’t know what the hell I’m doing or which way to turn.
I can’t even say it’s Hayden’s fault. Sure, it might be happening because of him. But I’m the one who allowed it to lead here.
I didn’t need to follow him that day at the wedding, to turn up at his door later that evening. Just like I didn’t need to follow him into that closet earlier, or allow him to drive me home and invite him in here.
“You’re freaking out,” he points out.
“Yeah, well. I think I have good reason to.”
“Maybe so. But it won’t help anything.”
No, it won’t. But that doesn’t stop it from being true.
“Tell me what to do?” Hayden says, needing to help.
Leave and forget all about me…
That would solve my issues here.
But…
“There isn’t anything you can do,” I whisper.
He nudges his nose against my ear. “I’m sure I can find a few ways to get you out of your head for a few minutes,” he teases.
Yeah, I don’t doubt that. It’s almost impossible to miss the thickness that’s pressing against my ass. But despite how aware I am of the situation, he hasn’t made a single move to address it, seemingly content to just lie here with me.
“You’re a nightmare.”
“Won’t stop you from dreaming about me though, will it?”
I slam my lips closed, unwilling to agree or deny that that has been happening recently.
“What are your plans for tomorrow?” I ask, diverting the topic of conversation.
“Breakfast with my parents before they head home.”
“Nice.”
“Mmm.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. I meant, it’ll be nice to spend time with them. I’m sure tonight was a whirlwind.”
“Yeah, because all I could think about was seeing you again.”
I can’t help but smile. I don’t know how he does it, but he makes me feel so special, so wanted.
“What about after?”
“Is this your way of asking if I want to hang out with you?”
“What? No. I’ll be working. I’m just…curious.”
“We’ve got training sessions all afternoon. Will probably be at the rink until late.”
“I don’t know how you all do it. Just watching you is exhausting.”
“You watch me?” he asks, teasingly.
“It’s my job to keep an eye on all of you.”
“Ah, but keeping an eye and watching are very different,” he mocks. “I like knowing you’re watching me, though. You watch warm-ups, right?” he taunts.
“Hayden,” I warn, my face heating.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” he states confidently. “You know, if you ever want a private show, all you gotta do is ask.”
“And there I was thinking I got some hip action earlier.”
“Oh, Hails,” he rasps, his warm breath rushing over my neck. “That was nothing. You make sure you’re there for our next warmups, and I’ll make sure I put on my best performance. Just for you.”
I turn and press my face into the pillow.
“Do you think you can watch without reacting? Without letting anyone know that you’re secretly imagining how I’d look doing that naked and in your bed?”
“Hayden,” I gasp, aware that that is exactly what I’ll be thinking about the next time I catch him doing those sinful exercises.
He chuckles. “Tell me you’re travelling with us to Boston,” he begs.
I squeeze my eyes closed.
“I don’t want to put any pressure on, but I might need you. Hell, scratch that. I’m gonna need you.”
My heart pounds, his words wrapping around me. I don’t remember the last time anyone genuinely needed me. I don’t know how to deal with it other than to squirm uncomfortably.
Hayden groans as my ass grinds against him.
“You’re making it really hard to be a good boy here, Hails.”
I have to bite down on the inside of my lip to stop myself from responding with something like, “Then don’t be.”
That will not help this situation.
“I find that hard to believe. You’re always a good boy.”
Fuck. That wasn’t much better.
“I’ll be whatever you want me to be, goddess.”
Goddamn.
Hayden
“Hails?” I whisper, but there’s nothing but heavy breathing in response.
She’s asleep.
“Hails, baby. We need to get you to bed,” I say softly as I unwrap my arm from around her waist and push myself so I’m hovering above her.
My eyes track every inch of her peaceful face, my heart seizing at the fact that I get to see her like this. All her walls are down. She’s not the fierce PR Director we all know and love.
She’s Hailee.
A daughter, a sister, a friend.
As gently as I can, I get to my feet before sliding my arms beneath her and lifting her against my chest.
I could leave her there. Her couch is pretty comfortable, but her bed will be better.
She snuggles against my chest, letting out a little moan of contentment.
Fuck. That one little sound is enough to bring me to my fucking knees. Or at least, it might be if I weren’t carrying her.
Holding her a little tighter, I kick open her bedroom door and get my first look at the space.
Just like the living area of her apartment, it’s really homey, and she’ll probably hate that I’ve discovered this, but it’s girly and cute.
I smile as I take in the pillows littering her bed along with not just one but a handful of stuffies. Fuck, I love seeing the softer side to this woman.
After managing to pull back the comforter, I reluctantly lay her down, and then cover her up.
“Sweet dreams, Hails,” I whisper, pressing my lips against her temple, lingering a few seconds longer than necessary. “I know mine will be.”
“Hayden,” she whispers as I stand and back away.
My heart races, the other side of her bed tempting me to lie down beside her.
But I can’t.
I want to, but I can’t.
Forcing myself to walk out of that room is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Every single muscle in my body screams for me to stay, to curl up beside her and fall asleep with her in my arms.
I swear, I don’t breathe until I close the door behind me, and even as I tidy up her apartment, I question my decision.
Leaving might be the right thing to do, but fuck, it doesn’t feel like it.
I know being here is wrong. I’m putting her at all kinds of risks, and that isn’t fair.
But then she gives me the kinds of things she has tonight—and I don’t just mean physically.
The way she supports me by just being there.
The looks that keep me going, the understanding in her touch, all of it is everything I need.
She is everything I need.
But I can’t have her.
With her apartment tidy and the evidence of our late-night meal gone, I gather up my things and let myself out, double-checking that her door is securely locked before I take off.
Each step is harder than the last, and not just because I played my first full game of hockey tonight, but because of the woman I’m walking away from.
I’m pretty sure I’ve left a piece of myself inside that apartment, and I’m not entirely sure I want it back. I might just have to turn up every now and then to check on it…
The drive home is long, or at least it feels that way, but everything gets harder the second I step into my cool, dark apartment.
While Hailee’s place was warm and welcoming, mine is…well, not.
It was never going to be my forever home in LA.
Just a place to start me off. And there isn’t a moment where I regret not spending more money on somewhere to live.
After all, I’m hardly ever here. But now, with Rylee gone and everything feeling out of place, I can’t help but wonder if I’d feel more at ease if I put my effort into making my apartment more of a home.
Without putting the lights on, I navigate to the freezer to pull out a couple of ice packs before stripping down to my boxers and crashing onto my bed.
Exhaustion nags at me, but I already know I won’t find sleep anytime soon. My head is spinning too fast.
I get myself comfortable, put the ice packs on my knees, and find the game highlights I was too distracted to really pay attention to earlier.
But as much as I might want to be prepared for the upcoming season and study our opponents, I still can’t get my head in it. Instead, two women circle through my mind.
If Rylee were here, she’d have the advice I need when it comes to Hailee. She was always so good at looking at the bigger picture, of seeing things in a different way to others.
Would she tell me to follow my heart and risk damaging both our reputations and our careers? Or would she tell me to keep my head on straight and remember why I’m here, and how hard I’ve fought for this position to be able to play the sport I love every freaking day?