Chapter 32
HAILEE
“Hey, are you free for a quick chat?” I ask after pushing open Esme’s office door.
“Hey, yeah, of course. Come and take a seat.”
My hand shakes as I close the door behind me and walk on unsteady legs to one of the seats on this side of her desk.
“Are you okay?” our Senior HR Manager asks, studying me closely as I lower my ass to the edge of the cushion. “You look a little pale.”
I nod, but I’m not okay. Honestly, I’m pretty sure I’m seconds from vomiting all over her pretty, polished glass desk.
“I-I…I need to talk to you about something.”
I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night, and it wasn’t because I was up all night messaging Hayden. It was because of the gut-churning anxiety our conversation stirred up.
By the time the sun lifted above the horizon this morning, I knew what I needed to do.
I wanted to get it over with first thing, but one look at Esme’s calendar told me she was busy all day, so I’ve had to wait until now. It’s hands down been my worst day at work since securing my position here.
“Okay,” she says softly as she turns her monitor off, so I have her full attention.
My hands twist in my lap as that knot in my stomach only gets tighter.
“I’ve fucked up,” I blurt, not beating around the bush.
Esme smiles at me. “I find that hard to believe. You’re the most professional member of staff in this entire organization.”
Her confidence in me hurts because of just how wrong she is.
A laugh erupts from me, but it’s full of pain and worry.
“Hailee?” Esme questions, getting up from behind her desk and coming to sit beside me. “You’re worrying me. What’s going on?”
“Nothing. I mean. Not really. But it could. It…fuck. This wasn’t meant to happen. I was just being a decent person and…and…”
Her warm hand covers the back of mine as I stumble over my words.
“Take a breath,” she soothes.
I do, but it does very little to help.
“I think I might have started some kind of relationship with a player,” I say in a rush.
I want to say that I feel better once the words are out, but I don’t. If anything, now they’re out in the wild, everything gets worse, more real.
Oh my god.
I’ve just imploded my entire life.
My breathing gets faster and faster, the room around me blurring to nothing as panic takes hold.
I fight to catch my breath, but I can’t.
Darkness edges into my vision, and all I can think about is drowning in it.
“Hailee? Hailee? Fuck. Can you breathe with me? In. And out. Deep breath in. And out.”
Esme’s voice rings in my ears over and over again, and eventually, my body complies. My lungs suck in the air I need, and my surroundings return.
I blink and find Esme on the floor before me, her hands on my knees as she searches my eyes for signs that I’m okay.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Don’t be.” She pushes to her feet and pulls a bottle of water from a hidden fridge on the other side of her office. “Have a drink. Take a moment. And then tell me everything.”
And I do. I spend the next two hours with Esme, laying everything out.
I didn’t tell Hayden I was doing this, and I don’t intend to tell him, either. Although I figure that if I’m imminently going to be escorted off the premises and forced to hand over all my passes, he might discover it sooner rather than later.
Esme listens to every single word with understanding and without judgment. She’s so easy to talk to, even when you’re confessing your greatest sins. I guess that’s why she’s so good at her job.
“Hailee, you don’t need me to tell you all the issues with this—the conflict of interest, the privacy issues, just to name a few.
And I’d be lying to you if I said that isn’t serious, that this isn’t going to be looked into.
But I appreciate that you’ve brought it to me sooner rather than later.
That can only work in your favor. I’m going to need to take this to Anthony,” she says, mentioning our owner.
“I understand,” I say, my gaze dropping to my lap.
“And I suggest you make your excuses for tomorrow’s planned travel and send someone in your place while we look into this.”
“You’re suspending me?” I ask in horror, despite knowing it’s a real possibility.
“Not at this stage. But I think it’s best you keep your distance until we have it all figured out.”
“I understand.”
Silence falls between us. I want to say that my regret over what’s happened is growing, but it isn’t. I don’t regret a single second of the time I’ve spent with Hayden. I just hope that doesn’t change with the outcome of this.
“I’ll try and talk to Anthony tonight so that we can put this to bed sooner rather than later.”
“I appreciate that, and your understanding.”
Esme smiles at me, but she bites back the words that are dancing on her tongue. She wants to be supportive, but she’s aware that doing so might just give me false hope.
I walk out of Esme’s office and then the arena with my heart in my throat, achingly aware that it could be the last time I do so.
I fight my tears the whole drive home, telling myself over and over that I did the right thing.
It would be worse if I allowed anything else to happen without telling the truth.
But knowing that doesn’t make my anxiety lessen.
Every time my cell dings with an incoming message or email, I swear my heart stops.
What I need is a friend. Someone I can be open and honest with about what’s happening. Someone who isn’t on Vipers payroll.
My options are limited. Very fucking limited. But there is one person.
And she already knows.
Hailee: Hey, are you free? I need to talk to someone.
I pull my door open with a trembling hand. I wish I could stop it, but there’s nothing I could do.
Bea didn’t see my cry for help for hours, and once she did, she tried convincing me to let her come over late last night. I refused. She’s pregnant and needs her rest, not to be running around the city after a woman who’s just single-handedly imploded her life.
I’ve managed to survive alone for the last few years, and I’m able to cope with all these unknowns I’m now dealing with. After all, I’m the only one to blame.
If I had turned around and ignored that I’d seen the one person everyone was concerned about, none of this would have happened.
“Hey,” Bea says, her eyes searching mine for answers.
The knots in my stomach pull tighter as I step back, allowing her inside.
She’s only the second person to step inside this place, and I’m achingly aware that both of those people have been in the last couple of weeks. I’m not sure how I’d managed to go years with no one and then suddenly…shit.
“Here, I brought supplies and coffee. Strong coffee,” Bea says, handing over a box of pastries and a huge takeout coffee. “Latte with an extra shot.”
“You remembered,” I whisper, instantly taken back to the morning after Linc and Parker’s wedding.
Bea shrugs like it’s nothing, but it’s not. Having someone outside of my professional life listen to me and remember something as simple as my coffee order hits harder than I’m sure it should.
“Are you okay?” she asks, concern evident in her voice as she lowers herself to my couch and sips her own coffee—decaf, I assume.
Shit.
I stand awkwardly, shifting my weight between my legs as I look everywhere but at Bea.
Why did I message her exactly?
I don’t do this. I don’t rely on others. I don’t need someone to listen to the problems; I just deal with them. Okay, so mostly I just stuff them under the carpet and forget they exist as best I can. But that isn’t going to work this time.
“You know already, don’t you?” I mutter under my breath, feeling like a naughty child who’s just been caught stealing candy from the store.
“Maybe. But I’d like to hear it from you to ensure I have all the details.”
Finally, I look at her, and the second I see nothing but compassion and empathy in her eyes, my shoulders drop from my ears.
“I…I think I’ve fucked everything up.”
“I’m sure it’s not that bad.”
“I might have lost everything I’ve worked so hard for,” I cry, fighting and failing to stop my eyes from filling with tears. “I didn’t mean to, it just…it just happened, and now…” I throw my arms in the air and stare up at the ceiling.
“Come and sit down,” Bea instructs. My legs move without instruction from my brain, and in only a few seconds, I find myself beside her with her arm around my shoulders and my coffee warming my hands.
A comfortable silence falls between us as she allows me the time I need to get my head together.
“I went to HR yesterday evening and told them that something had happened between Hayden and me,” I confess quietly.
Her lack of reaction tells me what I already knew—that Rett has told her everything.
“And what did they say?”
Placing my still full cup on the coffee table before us, I drop my head into my hands.
“She told me to make the necessary arrangements for my senior manager to travel with the team tomorrow while she talks to the team owner and they decide my fate.”
“Shit,” Bea mutters.
“I…I didn’t do anything wrong, Bea. Not really. I was just being supportive, and…and…”
“I know,” she soothes. “Hayden, he…he has a way of drawing you in. I get it.”
I glance at her.
“He’s a sweetheart and a really good person.”
I nod in complete agreement.
“Life has been so unfair. I wish there was something I could have done, or even do now to make it easier.”
“Right?” I agree. “I’ve experienced that kind of loss, and it fucking sucks, so when he told me what had happened, there wasn’t even a consideration about not supporting him. I just didn’t expect…this.”
“What is this?” she asks hesitantly.
I release a long breath.
“Honestly, I have no idea.”
“But it’s something. Enough to tell HR about it.”
“Yeah, no. I don’t know,” I ramble. “When we’re together…I’ve never felt like it before. I feel…lighter. Like nothing outside of us matters. And he makes me smile and laugh like no one else I’ve ever met.”
When I glance at Bea, she’s got the widest smile on her lips.
“But it’s wrong.”
“Says who?”
“Well, the franchise for one,” I start. “And there’s almost a ten years’ difference between us.”
“So? That doesn’t mean anything, and you know it.”
“It will to everyone out there,” I say, letting my eyes move to the windows.
“Since when do we care about them?”
I push to my feet again, unable to sit still.
“It’s just all of them, Bea. It’s—”
“The Jeffersons?”
I freeze, my eyes finding hers as fear rushes through me.
“I fucking hate them,” I seethe. “Everything I was forced to endure. The life I was made to live, the dreams I had to give up. I hate all of it. And this…when they find out…”
“You walked away years ago, Hailee. They no longer get to have an opinion on any aspect of your life.”
I blink, my eyes burning.
I wish that were true. I really fucking do.
“I know,” I whisper. “Hayden doesn’t deserve any of this. He should be out there finding a pretty young girl to spend time with. A pop star, an actress, a model. Anyone other than this car crash,” I cry, pointing at myself.
“But he doesn’t want any of them. He’s had a crush on you since he first met you. In the past year, he could have had pop stars, actresses, models…but from what I’ve heard, he hasn’t.”
I groan.
“I’m not saying that he was waiting for you specifically, but on some level, I can’t help but wonder if he was.”
“That doesn’t help,” I mutter.
“Romantic, though, right? Like something out of a book. Maybe he’s learned more than he thinks from all that reading he does.”
“He knows way too much,” I say under my breath as the memory of hanging out with him here the other night comes back to me.
“What was that?”
“Real life isn’t like that,” I insist.
She throws her arms out. “It can be. Look at me. One accidental pregnancy with the playboy hockey player, and now I’m gonna marry him,” she says, wiggling her engagement ring at me.
“We don’t all get stories like that.”
“No, sometimes it’s the forbidden older woman who risks it all for love.”
“Jesus,” I mutter, finally reclaiming my coffee and slumping onto the couch.
“So, what are the possible outcomes here?”
“That I get fired.”
“Or they understand that you’re incredibly hard working and professional in everything you do. The heart doesn’t follow the rules, Hailee. Being with Hayden won’t stop you from doing your job. You won’t use your position to favor him, and they’ll see that.”
“And if they don’t?”
“Then maybe they never deserved to have you as a part of their team in the first place.”
“I can’t start over, Bea. I just can’t. All of this…” I say, gesturing to everything I’ve built here in LA. “It’s damn near killed me to get to this point, to shed my past and find who I really am. I can’t have that ripped away from me. I just can’t.”
“Even if it means you get Hayden?”