Chapter 34
HAILEE
Every message that comes through sends a fresh wave of pain straight through my chest.
It’s been the same every time his name has popped up on my screen over the last two days.
All I want to do is reply, but with everything up in air, doing so feels wrong.
I don’t want to give him the impression that everything is okay, give him hope that this could be going somewhere, but at the same time, I also don’t want to tell him what I’ve done.
Not only does it make it look like I’m actually serious about us having a future, which might be a little premature, but I also don’t want to worry him while he’s away. He needs to be focusing on his job, not concerned about whether I’m about to lose mine.
My need to reply to him only gets stronger as tonight’s game draws closer and his messages become more regular.
He’s freaking out. I don’t need to be there to know that he’s worried about playing without the support of his sister.
My chest tightens at the thought of not being there for him if he needs me. He joked about kissing me becoming a part of his pre-game ritual, and while that isn’t possible, the need to do everything I can to help him go out there confidently burns through me.
His messages continue, and when I glance at the clock and see that he only has minutes before he’ll be going down to the bus, I make a rash decision.
My hand trembles as I lift my cell to my ear, the dial tone piercing through me.
“Hails?” he rasps, and I sink back on my couch.
“Hey,” I whisper, feeling guilty as hell for not responding earlier.
“Is everything okay? I’ve been worried and—”
“Everything is fine,” I lie. “I’ve just been crazy busy.”
“I thought you were meant to be coming with us?”
“Y-yeah, I know,” I stutter, hating that I can’t be stronger for him. “I had a few last-minute things come up and had to switch things around.”
“That’s shit. I miss you.” My chest compresses at the sincerity in his words.
Fucking hell.
“I’m sure you’ve barely even noticed I’m not there,” I say, trying to play it off and distract myself from telling him that I miss him, too.
It’s been two days. It’s ridiculous, but damn it, I do miss him and his goofy smile.
He scoffs. “Hardly. I need to head out in a bit but…I wanted to talk to you.”
“I’m sorry, I—”
“You’re busy. I get it. I’m being selfish, I know I am, but…”
“It’s going to be okay, Hayden.”
“Yeah, I know. Hearing your voice helps.”
“I’m glad. I wish there was more I could do.”
“I wish you were here. I wish…I wish I could hold you.”
Goddamn this man.
“You’ll be back before you know it.”
“Will you be waiting for me?”
My heart slams against my ribs. I desperately want to say yes. But I refuse to lie to him. About that, at least. I won’t give him false hope.
“I-I’ve got a lot going on.”
I squeeze my eyes closed as the image of him lowering his head in defeat fills my head.
“Yeah. I told you I was being selfish.”
“You’re allowed to be,” I tell him honestly.
He lets out a pained sigh, and my heart sinks.
I wish I could do more to help him. I wish I had some answers, but right now, I’m floating out in the middle of the ocean without a paddle.
My future is up in the air, and until I know what’s happening, I can’t even comprehend making a decision about what direction I go in next.
I know what I want, but I fear that might not be an option.
“I really need to get going,” he says sadly. “Will you be watching?”
“Of course. I wouldn’t miss you kicking Boston’s asses.”
He chuckles, I think appreciating my confidence.
“Hell yeah, we are,” he says, a familiar lightness in his tone. “Can I talk to you after?”
“Aren’t you going straight to the airport for New York?”
“Yeah,” he agrees, sounding deflated all over again.
“Message me when you land.”
“No, you’ll be sleeping.” He hesitates. “Can I see you when I’m back?”
I hate myself when I don’t answer straight away. I want to say yes, I really fucking do. But …
“We’ll sort something out.”
“That doesn’t sound very positive.”
“I’m sorry, I’m just snowed under and—”
“I understand. Listen, I really need to go.”
“Yeah, you do. We can’t have you getting in trouble. Good luck tonight. I’ll be watching.”
“Wearing my jersey?” he teases.
“I can neither confirm nor deny that.”
“Fucking hell, you’re killing me here, Hails.”
A smile pulls at my lips, warmth spreading through me. I love it when he calls me that. It makes me feel special, like I’m someone who matters. Someone important enough to have a nickname.
“I’ll talk to you soon,” I promise. It’s the best I can do.
“Not soon enough. Blow me a kiss when you see me later. I’m gonna need it.”
“You got it.”
The sound of him shuffling around fills the line as he gathers up his stuff. He’s putting off hanging up, and I love it just as much as I hate it.
“You need to go.”
“I know. I just don’t want to let you go now that I’ve got you.”
Emotion crawls up my throat, my eyes burning with tears I don’t want to shed.
“Go. Go and kill it tonight.”
“Yeah, yeah. Okay. I’ll speak to you soon, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Bye, Hails. I miss you.”
The call cuts, but it takes me the longest time to lower my cell.
“Fucking hell,” I mutter.
Never in my life have I been pulled in two very different directions like this.
Before I moved here, my life had been dictated to me. I didn’t get to make my own choices; I had to live out other people’s ideas of what my life should be like.
When I walked away, I was determined to carve out my own path.
And I did. I’m so fucking proud of everything I’ve achieved.
Of course, I secured my position because of my PR experience, which ultimately came from my family.
But after a lifetime of being surrounded by it, it’s the only thing I know.
And as much as I might have wanted to cut all ties, I needed to use what I had. And that was PR.
I never expected there to be a situation where it might be taken away from me. As devastated as I am at the prospect, I also don’t regret a single second of it, because spending time with Hayden, even the short amount that we have, has taught me so much about my life and what I want out of it.
It’s shown me just how lonely I am. How much I’m missing out on because I’m too scared to let anyone in, to trust anyone.
Attending Linc and Parker’s engagement party and then their wedding showed me just a glimpse of what life could be like if I lowered my walls a little.
So has hanging out with Bea. She’s shown me that just because she’s connected to my past life, she doesn’t judge me for it, or force me to go back there when I don’t want to.
She sees me as the person I am now, not the weak woman of my past who allowed herself to be controlled by those who thought they knew better.
Before I put my phone down and have a quick shower before getting ready for the game, I check my emails.
I haven’t heard anything from Esme or Anthony, the team owner, or even Gary, our GM, since walking out of the arena yesterday.
Thankfully, everything I needed to do today could be done from here.
My meetings were all video conferences. As far as I’m aware, I managed to get through them all as if nothing is wrong in my world.
But the longer I wait to hear something, the more concerned I’m getting.
The fact that they haven’t immediately fired me, I guess, could be seen as a good thing. But they haven’t decided that I can stay, either.
It means they’re discussing it. Discussing me. And the thought that I could be so easily disposable after everything I’ve given them over the years is devastating.
I love my job. I love the team I’ve built, and I love the entire organization. Having it ripped away from me will be one of the most painful experiences of my life, and I’m not ready for it.
Maybe there would have come a day when I’d have been ready to move on. But it’s not now. The Vipers are my entire life. If I have to walk away, I’m going to be left scrambling, trying to figure out who I am all over again. Just when I thought I was beginning to figure it all out.
With a Vipers hoodie on and not much else, my hair still damp, I settle on my couch with a glass of wine, ready to watch the game.
I’ve got to be honest, it’s not something I usually do. I’ll often have it on in the background while I’m working, just so I can keep up with anything that happens on the ice, but I don’t generally watch it with the level of interest I am right now.
I can barely sit still as I wait for the guys to burst onto the ice. There’s an image in my head of Hayden losing control and running off again, only this time, he can’t find anywhere to hide, and when he eventually does, no one chases after him.
The thought of him being alone and hurting cuts me up inside. I just want to be there. I just want to support him.
With the time ticking down until the first face-off, I’m a mess.
“Come on. Show me you’re okay,” I beg.
The camera pans around the arena, and the second I see movement in the tunnel, I slide to the edge of my seat.
There’s a sea of green and white, but other than Hansley at the front, it’s hard to make the others out.
I’m so focused on the screen, on getting a glimpse of Hayden, that when my apartment buzzes, it startles me so much that I fall off the couch.
“What the fuck?” I bark, jumping to my feet and swiping my cell from the coffee table.
With one eye still on the TV, I click on the notification that tells me someone is here.
“Oh good, you’re in. I thought you might want some company to watch the game.”
“Uh…”
“Shit. I can go if you don’t want—”
“No, no. Come on up.”
I allow her entry into the building and then unlock my door so she can let herself in, and with my heart racing with surprise, I turn back to the screen.
“Damn it,” I hiss, realizing that I missed watching him come out.
But while I might be annoyed at myself, I’m mostly in shock.
I can’t remember the last time someone went out of their way because they thought I might need something.
It’s…fuck.
It’s blown me away.
“Did I miss it?” Bea shouts, flying into my apartment with her arms full of stuff.
“No, puck drop isn’t for—”
“Not that. I meant the warmups,” she says in a rush as she flops onto my couch and lets her collection of snacks cascade around her.
“Oooh. No, they just started.”
She grabs a packet of chips and rips them open, her eyes on the screen, searching for her man. “Thank fuck for that. Watching those hips move is about the only thing that’s going to get me through this first trip.”
I can’t help but laugh.
“I thought you’d be watching with Casey and Freya,” I say. I’ve previously overheard them talking about getting together to watch when the guys are away.
“Oh, yeah. I was. But I cancelled on them. Thought you might have needed the company more.”
My mouth opens and closes like a fish, but I can’t summon any words. Instead, I turn my attention back to the screen, my eyes almost immediately finding the number ninety-six.
Hot damn. Bea might just be onto something…