Chapter 41
HAILEE
“Wait here. I’ll only be a few minutes,” Hayden says before he pushes his car door open and climbs out, leaving me sitting in his passenger seat.
When we finally made it out of his apartment, he wanted to know where I’d parked my car, and I had to hesitantly explain that I’d gotten an Uber to his place.
He wanted to ask, I could see the questions burning in his eyes, but just like all the other questions that are building inside him, he swallowed them down and just accepted my words.
I have so much I need to tell him, but every time I try to say the words, something stops me.
Fear.
It’s stupid. When I told him I trusted him, I meant it. But trusting him with my body is one thing; trusting him with my past is another thing entirely. But if he’s serious about us, then I owe him the truth.
I pull my cell from my purse while I wait for him and reply to a few emails, marking more than a handful as unread to deal with later.
With Anthony giving us his approval, I’m even more determined than ever to prove my worth at work. I’m not going to give him any reason to doubt his trust in me, or anyone else for that matter.
So what, Hayden and I are in a relationship—if that’s what this is? It doesn’t stop me from being kick-ass at my job.
Only a few minutes later, he’s back and messing around with whatever he bought in the trunk.
We stopped at my place before making a pit stop here, where he demanded I dress in something I can move easily in with comfortable shoes. But he refused to tell me his plan and instead just swatted me on the ass and sent me to change.
When he first suggested spending the day together, I thought he meant at his apartment.
I was more than happy with that. We didn’t even need to get dressed.
But after he carried me into the shower and cleaned me up all over again, he demanded that I get dressed and then dragged me out of his apartment.
A few minutes later, he rejoins me in the driver’s seat and shoots me one of his panty-melting smiles.
How he hasn’t had sex in a while blows my fucking mind. I know he has women throwing themselves at him; I’ve seen it with my own eyes. What was he waiting for?
You, a little voice says, but I shut it down.
As amazing as it might feel, I can’t allow myself to believe things like that. It’s dangerous.
“So…are you going to tell me where we’re going yet?”
“Nope, but I got you a coffee to make up for it,” he says, passing me one of the takeout cups in his hands.
“Thank you,” I mutter as he takes off.
We chat away about the game last night and other unimportant things. Both of us are skirting around the serious stuff that we really need to discuss.
As we head out of town, I start to get clues to where we’re going, and I soon discover I’m right when he parks the car at Switzer Falls Trail.
“Hiking,” I muse, gazing around at the incredible scenery.
“Yeah. Is that okay?”
“Of course. I haven’t been here before.”
“Really?” he asks, excitedly.
“No. I’ve wanted to. Just never made the effort, I guess.”
“I think you’re going to love it. Come on,” he says, killing the engine and pushing the door open.
I follow his lead and meet him at the trunk, where he’s pulling a rucksack onto his back.
“Picnic?” I ask, suddenly understanding his stop at the store.
He smirks at me before taking my hand and tugging me toward a path.
“Come here a lot, huh?” I ask when he doesn’t so much as look at a map, just takes off into the trees.
“That obvious?” We walk side by side in silence for a few minutes before he speaks again.
“It reminds me of being a kid. Rylee and I used to spend so much time in the woods. The greenery, the smells, they remind me of her and those endless days where we had no responsibilities, no pressure, no illness or hospital appointments, or treatment.”
“How old was she when she first got sick?”
“Fifteen.”
“Shit,” I hiss.
“Yeah. It’s been a journey, that’s for sure. She missed out on so much.”
“Maybe, but something tells me that you and your parents also gave her so many other things.”
“We did our best,” he says quietly. “She managed to graduate with me despite spending most of junior and senior year of high school doing everything online. She even managed two hours of prom before I had to take her home to rest.
“She was desperate to go to college. For a while, we thought it might even happen. She got the all-clear, and she planned to have a year off before applying and restarting her life. She wanted to be a pediatrician and help kids like those who helped her.” Hayden’s voice cracks, and I squeeze his hand tighter in support.
“She’d have been so good at it. She was so kind, so patient. I just wish she got the chance to get close.”
“She didn’t even get to start at college?”
“She got the place. But she knew something wasn’t right. The doctors said she was in remission, but she wasn’t. It just took them a while to find it. Maybe if they’d listened to her, done more tests sooner, she’d still be here.”
I glance over and see nothing but pain in his eyes.
“I know this doesn’t help right now, but—”
“Everything happens for a reason?” he asks with a quiet laugh.
“Yeah. I wish I could say something more useful, more comforting.”
Releasing my hand, he wraps his arm around my shoulder. “There isn’t anything. And I know you understand.”
“My brother died in a car accident,” I blurt, finally giving him some of my story.
“Shit.”
“I was driving.”
Hayden stops walking the second those three words fall from my lips.
He turns to look at me. The pain is still there, but this time, it isn’t just for him; it’s for me, too.
I hate myself for putting it there. He’s already suffering enough.
“I’d only passed my test a few weeks earlier,” I explain.
“I wanted him to drive, but he insisted that I needed the practice.” I let out a shaky breath.
“Maybe if he had, we’d have gone through the intersection sooner and the drunk driver wouldn’t have hit us.
Maybe if I didn’t hesitate at the intersection before—”
“Stop,” he begs, tears filling his eyes just like they are mine.
“It was my fault,” I whisper, still feeling the heavy weight of the guilt I’ve carried around since that day.
“No, that’s not true. You said it was a drunk driver. It was his fault.”
“He walked away. Not a scratch on him.”
“That’s fucked up.”
“I wouldn’t ever wish anyone dead, but…” I let my words trail off, because they don’t need saying.
“Yeah,” he agrees. “Life is really fucking unfair.”
“You’re telling me. I lost everything that day. Spencer wasn’t just my brother; he was my best friend.”
A choked sob erupts from Hayden, his understanding wrapping around me like a warm blanket.
“Without him, my life went to shit. Everything I was trying to ignore was suddenly all I could see.”
“What do you mean?” he asks, after trying to swallow down his emotions.
“Let’s keep walking,” I suggest, hoping that the words might come easier if I’m moving.
“My family…” I say after a few minutes. “They’re pretty big hitters in the PR world. And my brother, well, he was the next generation.”
“So are you,” Hayden says, not missing a beat.
“Yeah, see…things in my life, my family, those we associated with, it didn’t quite work like that. My father, grandfather, and those who came before them didn’t see women as equals.”
“That’s bullshit,” Hayden scoffs. “You’re just as capable as they are. Look at you now. Look what you’ve achieved.”
His confidence in me makes all of this a little easier, and I give him a weak smile.
“They didn’t see it that way. Spencer already had his future set.
He would take his place in the family business and eventually take over.
And after he died, I desperately wanted to keep his legacy alive and step into his place.
I had my place at college, and I was willing to work as well.
Anything to get the experience I needed.
I’d spent my life around the business; I already knew so much. ”
“But?” Hayden questions when I fall silent.
“But I’m a woman, and in my family’s world, women don’t go on to become CEOs of multimillion-dollar companies. They’re wives and mothers.”
“I don’t even know what to say,” Hayden mutters.
“There isn’t anything to say. After Spencer died, I was so broken, I didn’t have the strength to fight them. I thought that maybe they’d come around. If I could do well at college, prove myself when I was at work, they’d change their minds, see my worth. But it never happened.”
“Shit, Hails. No wonder you left.”
If only the story were that simple.
“Yeah,” I muse, stopping myself from going into what happened next.
Despite knowing that I wasn’t in any kind of place to fight it, I still hate that I didn’t even try. But the woman I am now is very different from the girl I was back then.
I was fighting too hard to prove myself in an utterly pointless situation. They were never going to see me for what I could have been. I’d already been put in a box, and there was no way out. Well, not until I found the strength to bash through the walls and run away as fast as I could.
“Thank you,” Hayden whispers. “I know that wasn’t easy for you.”
“I don’t talk about it. I’ve never had anyone to talk to about it,” I confess. “Back then, no one cared enough to listen. And since moving here, I’ve ensured I didn’t have anyone for fear of history repeating itself.”
“No one here is going to treat you like that. Every guy on the team respects the fuck out of you, Hails. They don’t give a shit that you’re a woman. All they see is someone who is shit hot at her job, commands respect, and refuses to bend even for the biggest, most powerful hockey player.”
“I wasn’t like that before. I was a pushover who couldn’t stand up for herself.”
“Well, maybe things do happen for a reason. If it weren’t for the past, maybe neither of us would be here right now, and I can’t imagine what my life would be like without you in it.”
“You’re a real smooth talker, you know that?” I tease.
“I just say what I feel,” he says shyly.
“I guess I could learn a little something from you, huh?”
“Don’t get me wrong, baby. I’m not like this with everyone.
It’s just you…you…I don’t know. It’s not a secret that I’ve wanted you for a while now, and I’m fucking terrified that you’re going to realize what you’re doing right now and go running in the other direction.
I’m just…I’m trying to be honest about how I feel about you, about what you mean to me.
And more than anything, I want you to see just how amazing you are, because despite being a major hard-ass, I’m not sure you see it. ”
I shake my head. “You’re something else, Hayden Monroe.”
“All I want to be is yours.”