Chapter 31
Thirty-One
There aren’t many places I can go.
After the ball, I imagined slipping away into my old life on the fringes. That feels impossible now.
I don’t trust Julita’s men not to come hunting me down. In their eyes, I’d essentially have kidnapped her, stolen her away from them.
I can keep out of their way, but I’d distract them even more at the same time as the daimon are ramping up their assaults…
If the scourge sorcerers are escalating their plans, the men need to be here, figuring that out. Maybe I’m no hero, but I’m not going to screw up the greatest chance of preventing a new divine retribution.
There’s also the fact that I don’t trust Julita not to make another play for control over my body if I completely walk away. And with the way my magic is breaking me more with every attack, I don’t trust myself to fend off another attempt at full possession.
I have to stay at the college, at least for now. But I can seek out a little peace and quiet to figure out how I can stop the latest incident from turning into a full-blown catastrophe.
I take the little-used staircase at the back of the Domi that’ll let me reach the secret archive entrance without having to pass the main library doors or any of the students who might be circulating there. No doubt the whole school is buzzing about the king’s visit.
The narrow spiral of steps is cool and cramped, but I’m just glad to be alone. Other than the restless stirring in the back of my head, where Julita has decided to suppress her complaints for the moment but is clearly still unhappy with me.
All the way down the three flights, I consider my possibilities.
I could say I have a terminal illness that I didn’t tell them about before. Something uncurable and gradually progressing. It’d almost be true.
But I find it hard to imagine the men wouldn’t drag me off to a medic to confirm my story. After all, none of them are going to believe I got assessed by someone fully qualified while I was living on the streets.
I could say I thought it was an effect of hosting two souls in one body. There isn’t much a medic could do about that—and I don’t think the men want to reveal to anyone that Julita is still with us.
Who knows how they’d react to that news, though? Would they set out in search of a new host or an alternate way to keep her around instead of focusing on stopping the scourge sorcerers?
Maybe if I say I think one of the medics themselves used hostile magic on me, so going to them could mean exposing me to worse treatment? Of course, then I’d have to create a bigger lie to explain how and when the supposed attack happened…
By the time I reach the hall of tapestries, I’m gnawing on my lower lip. The pinch of pain from my teeth doesn’t sharpen my thoughts.
I don’t know what the best course of action is. I don’t know what will get me out of this mess with the least damage.
I pass the fading images of past royalty and military commanders in their glorious deeds, feeling awfully small in comparison. Signy seems to glare at me from her hilltop as I prod the sconce to open the conjured passage.
She took on the Darium empire’s entire army. Why can’t I tackle a little conspiracy of evil sorcerers?
I guess it helped that the emperor’s army stood out in broad daylight with their swords and spears so she knew exactly who the enemy was.
As I step into the small archive room, a magic-fueled lantern flickers on. The stillness of the dim space wraps around me.
I inhale the scent of dust and old paper, and even though I don’t have any answers yet, a little of the tension in me unwinds. I’ve never been in this room on my own before, but I can’t imagine finding much more peace anywhere on campus than I’ve got here.
I sink into one of the chairs and pull my legs up to hug them against my chest. Resting my forehead on my knees, I close my eyes.
I will get through this. I’ve gotten through so much else before.
And with my magic’s increasingly intense efforts to punish me, I doubt I’ll be around much longer for any trouble I get into to matter anyway.
I have some choice over what happens to me. I don’t even have to explain.
If I say I don’t want to see the medics, what are the men going to do? Drag me kicking and screaming through the halls?
The thought doesn’t reassure me as much as I’d like. Partly because I’m not entirely sure the answer is no.
I hug my legs tighter, a lump filling my throat.
I don’t want to have to fight them. Even if they care more about my usefulness to Julita than my own well-being, they have looked out for me.
I can admit that it’s been almost… nice, being a part of this little group, aside from the impending divine doom we’re struggling to prevent.
Who would ever have imagined—
“Ivy?”
At the gentle voice, my head snaps up.
Casimir is standing in the doorway to the rest of the archives, a scroll in one hand. The smile I suspect leapt to his face at the sight of me falters as he takes in my expression.
I was too startled to put on a show. By the time I’ve plastered a smile on my own face, Casimir’s brow has knit.
He walks to the desk to set down the scroll and then moves to my side. He doesn’t ask what I’m doing down here so early or why I’m upset, only, “Do you want to talk about it?”
The respect offered by the question makes the lump in my throat expand. Tears I didn’t know I had in me prick at the backs of my eyes.
I will them away and swallow thickly. “Not particularly. I thought no one else would be here.”
Casimir’s mouth slants at an apologetic angle.
“I remembered hearing about a tournament that was held here several years ago, with people using their gifts. I thought I’d check if there was any mention in the records of wind-based talents, since that line of inquiry hasn’t turned up anything yet.
Didn’t want to waste everyone else’s time if I got nowhere with it. ”
I glance at the scroll. “Did you find anything?”
“I haven’t had a chance to look yet. But that can wait. It was a last-ditch effort anyway.”
He pauses. “You don’t have to talk. I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you’d prefer. But I’d be happy to sit with you and see if company could be a little better than total solitude.”
My next smile is a lot smaller, but I mean this one.
Only with Casimir, I think I might appreciate the company. I wasn’t getting very far on my own anyway.
He holds out his hand and leads me into the adjoining room, over to the settee I noticed before. Casimir sweeps the books scattered across the cushions into a stack he sets on the floor. Then he sits at one end, leaving the rest of the space for me.
As I sink onto the other end, he slips his hand around mine again. Gingerly, so I can tell he’d release me in an instant if I pulled.
Looking down at our interlocked fingers resting at the edge of my dress, an unexpected wave of emotion swells inside me.
I said I didn’t want to talk, but it feels as if my only options are letting out words or tears. So I go with words, my gaze still on our hands rather than Casimir’s face.
“This isn’t my life. I was never meant to be here. I don’t really know what I’m doing.”
Julita tuts lightly. You’ve hardly been doing badly, Ivy. I’d say you’ve held your own impressively.
Casimir doesn’t bother with patronizing reassurances. He strokes his thumb over my knuckles. “In the area of investigating scourge sorcerers, we’re all pretty out of our depth.”
I lift my eyes to meet his then. “You’re used to everything else around here. And even the investigating—it was Julita’s quest, not mine.”
His smile turns crooked. “And she badgered you into coming here, as much as we’ve appreciated it. Do you want to go back to your life from before?”
A bark of a laugh jolts out of me. “Is that even a choice? Our problems aren’t going to disappear if I bury my head in the sand. It’s just… it’s all gotten so complicated.”
I don’t mention the latest complications, and Casimir doesn’t push. “I can be right here with you through those complications, as much as you need me.”
He tucks his arm a little around mine, and I find myself scooting closer automatically.
When I lean my head against his shoulder, his sweet sandalwood scent seeps into my lungs. I just barely resist the urge to burrow my face into his silk tunic to soak up even more.
How does he manage to make me feel so seen when there’s so much about me I’ve hidden from him?
But he does. There isn’t a part of me left in doubt that he honestly wants to know I’m happy, simply for my own sake.
I can’t say that about anyone else I’ve ever known… except maybe Linzi. And look how that turned out for my sister.
My jaw clenches against the memory, but I can’t erase the ache in my chest. Because the pang isn’t just about her.
What has the courtesan really gotten out of our “friendship”?
“I don’t have any way of ‘baking a cake’ for you,” I find myself saying. “The best I can think of is I could steal something for you, but I don’t think you’d appreciate that anyway.”
Casimir nudges his chin against my forehead. “What makes you think you’d need to do something like that?”
Oh, Cas, Julita says with a dismissive tinkle of a laugh that raises my hackles defensively. It’s a sweet question, not one that should be mocked.
But one I feel the need to answer anyway.
“If we’re friends… I should be giving you something in return, shouldn’t I? To balance things out. It doesn’t really seem like a fair friendship otherwise.”
A chuckle escapes him, with an unusual roughness to it. I raise my head so I can see his expression.
Casimir’s dark green eyes gleam, but a raw note winds through his voice, marring its usual smooth grace. “What makes you think you haven’t given me anything?”
I arch an eyebrow. “What makes you think I have?”
He turns toward me, lifting his hand to brush a few stray strands of hair behind my ear. As he rests the backs of his fingers against my cheek, I can’t look away from his gorgeous face.