Chapter 41
Forty-One
Ivy
Idon’t know what any of the salts and oils are meant to do, so I simply open the bottles and sniff until I find a scent I like. Then I sprinkle the powder liberally into the running water of the bath.
The resulting foam intensifies the soothing herbal smell. I strip off the rest of my clothes and climb into the massive tub.
As I sink into the hot, fizzing water, a long sigh escapes my lips. It’s echoed by the voice in my head.
If there’s one thing I miss, it’s enjoying a good soak.
The corners of my lips quirk upward, although a twinge of uncertainty ripples through my gut at the same time. Julita hasn’t said much since we returned from the initiation ceremony. I’m not sure how she’s feeling right now.
I keep my tone light. “Have I not been bathing to your noble standards?”
She chuckles. It isn’t as if you’ve had time to indulge in a longer wash all that often. And when you have—
Julita stops, probably not wanting to touch on exactly what I’ve been getting up to during my extended baths. The twinge inside me deepens to an ache.
I pick up the cloth I left on the side of the tub and start to rub the lingering grit and sweat from my skin. “Well, if there’s any particular oil you’d appreciate or soap you’d prefer, now’s the time to tell me.”
No, what you’ve chosen is just fine.
There’s a sense of reverse to her tone that I’m not used to—not so much as if she’s restraining herself but simply subdued. I guess she might be tired too.
I don’t push. I massage the soap into my hair, unable to stop a shiver of delight at remembering Casimir’s lithe fingers performing the same act, and dunk my head several times to rinse it.
Then I work in some of the cream that’s supposed to add silkiness and shine to the strands, just for the luxury of it.
The middle-ward bathhouses I had access to before never supplied anything that frivolous.
Once I’ve rinsed the cream out too, I sit on the ledge at one side of the tub and absorb the silky heat of the water. The scent floods my lungs. Even the scars on my back seem to soften.
This is a luxury. But I can’t totally relax into the indulgence when I’m aware of the presence at the back of my skull, shifting here and there with thoughts she isn’t sharing.
“You’ve been quiet today,” I say finally.
Oh, I’ve simply had a lot to mull over. And there hasn’t been much for me to contribute anyway.
My throat tightens. “You know, I’m sorry about what happened with Stavros, after I told you— I think we were both still half asleep, and I got caught up in the moment— I shouldn’t—”
It’s all right, Julita breaks in. If you wanted that, I shouldn’t be stopping you from getting caught up. I… You’ve had to change how you’re living an awful lot because I barged into your head, haven’t you.
It’s not a question, but I feel compelled to answer anyway. “You didn’t force me to come to the college. I made the choice.”
I mean, you haven’t had any privacy. You’ve constantly had to consider me as well as yourself. I know you were used to getting by on your own, so to have a stranger watching your every move, interrupting your thoughts with mine whenever I spoke up…
Even when she was bemoaning the men’s focus on me, I’ve never heard her sound quite as defeated as she does right now. Where is she going with this?
“It’s an awkward situation,” I acknowledge. “But we’ve made the best of it, or at least we’re working toward that.”
And the situation should be almost over with. But I don’t know how to say that part in a way that doesn’t sound totally insensitive.
When I’ve seen Julita’s quest to destroy the scourge sorcerers through, when their conspiracy has crumbled, there’ll be no reason for her to cling to this last shred of life through me. At some point, we’ll have to talk about her final death.
I’m just not expecting that conversation to happen immediately.
Julita makes a sound as if clearing her throat. I was thinking… I haven’t been all that helpful in the past week or two. So perhaps it’s time for me to move on and let you have your life just for yourself again.
I blink, momentarily startled speechless. “Why would you even say that? We aren’t finished with your mission.”
I get the sense of Julita’s presence squirming a little before she answers.
If anything, I suspect I’ve been distracting you.
I’ve obviously been too caught up in my own concerns to ensure I’m there when I can help.
If I’m causing more problems than I’m solving, leaving would be better for the mission as well as for you.
My mouth opens, but no words come to me. A heat that has nothing to do with the bath has flared in the back of my eyes.
Why do I feel like I’m about to cry?
Julita isn’t wrong. My ghostly passenger has been pulling back more and more. It’s been difficult trying to balance her emotions with my own desires.
But somehow the thought of her vacating my mind completely, leaving me as alone as I used to be, makes the bottom of my stomach drop out. The emptiness I picture sends a shiver through my veins.
I’d be facing the scourge sorcerers with no one at all by my side. No wry remarks to keep my spirits up. No expressions of concern when I’m struggling.
Does she really think she’s troubled me that much?
Maybe hanging on has become too much of a strain for her, but she doesn’t want to admit it.
“Do you want to move on?” I ask, fighting to keep my voice steady. “If sticking with me has become too uncomfortable, I obviously wouldn’t insist that you stay.”
Ivy… I’ve appreciated every bit of life you’ve let me cling to. The last thing I want is to overstay my welcome.
I think that’s a no to my question.
I gather myself as well as I can. “You haven’t overstayed.
Obviously everything between me and the men has become a little much for you, and I don’t blame you for needing some space.
But you are still helping. I don’t know if I’d have gotten through the initiation without giving away my magic if you hadn’t talked me through it.
You were there when I needed you the most.”
I can almost see Julita hanging her head. I should have been there sooner.
“That doesn’t matter. You weren’t too late. I—I hate that I have to deal with those assholes at all. It’d be so much harder without a friend there with me.”
Julita gives a rough laugh. You still consider me a friend?
I frown. “Of course. That’s why I’ve tried to consider your feelings. You stood up for me before any of the men bothered to. You’ve had my back, and I want to have yours.”
There’s a long stretch of silence. When Julita speaks again, she sounds as if she’s choked up too, even though she hasn’t got a throat to hold a lump or eyes to spill tears.
I’m so sorry. I’m gone from their lives now, so it’s not as if I could have any of them anyway.
It’s not as if I’d have let anything happen with them if I’d stayed alive.
I was too careful about protecting myself…
It’s not your fault I can now see that closing myself off might not have been the path that’d have made me the happiest.
I wish I could give her a hug. It occurs to me, with the sweetest of bittersweet pangs, that this is what it might have been like talking with Linzi if my little sister had lived long enough to confront adult jealousies and regrets.
“I’ve messed things up in plenty of ways myself, making assumptions and hesitating to trust,” I say. “It isn’t fair that you never got the chance to change your mind.”
I’d say it’s much less fair that I’ve made it harder for you to enjoy the affection they’ve offered you. You never treated them badly, Ivy. It made sense that you were cautious given how they first treated you and the differences between your positions and… everything. I had no excuse.
My mouth twists into a crooked smile. “I think you did. Your brother was awful to you, and your parents obviously weren’t paying enough attention to intervene… Of course you found it hard to trust anyone.”
Well. I think both of us can be more than our hardships.
Julita gives herself a shake that tingles through my scalp.
They truly care for you. Even Stavros. I got so caught up in missing what I lost that I didn’t stop to think…
This is the best I can have now. Celebrating their devotion to you.
Getting to enjoy a little taste of the exciting parts before I give you your privacy…
and perhaps an additional vicarious thrill if you’ll share some gossip afterward?
I can’t stop a giggle from tumbling out of my mouth. “Are you sure you really want to put yourself through hearing the details?”
I have to look at it the right way. What I’m gaining instead of what I can’t have.
I shouldn’t really be here at all experiencing any of this.
She pauses, and her tone turns sly. And I’m not sure I wanted to miss seeing Stavros finally, completely won over.
Why are things so tense between the two of you again?
I wrinkle my nose. “Everything you could probably tell was about to happen happened, and then I got nervous that he wouldn’t be happy about it when he fully woke up. And he admitted that he still doesn’t totally trust me. I didn’t stick around to hear his excuses about why.”
Julita lets out a humph. That man. He’s got to get his head on straight eventually. Do what you will with him once he does. And don’t hold yourself back with Alek and Casimir anymore either. I should have argued with you when you first told me you’d backed off.
And this—this is exactly why the thought of the ghost in my head departing sets my emotions off-kilter. We understand each other. We have each other’s backs as well as we can, just like I said to her.
“I don’t know about Stavros,” I say. “But the others—are you sure?”
Absolutely. You should be soaking up all that adoration, and I’ll enjoy the afterglow. It’s more fun sharing your life if you’re enjoying it too. I simply forgot that for a little while.