32. ALEX
32
ALEX
“ W hat’s up with you?” Daniel asked.
He was in town for a short while—he was always coming and going—and he’d popped in to say hi before he was headed out again.
Although he was always away, Daniel never made it seem like he didn’t want to be around and be a part of the family.
“Nothing.”
Daniel raised his eyebrows. “Doesn’t look like it’s nothing. You’re in the worst mood I’ve ever seen you, and that’s saying something.”
Okay, so I could be moody sometimes. When I felt something, I felt it hard , and this was no different.
I shrugged. “It’s been a shit week, there’s nothing to say.”
Daniel sat down in the armchair he’d just evacuated, ready to head out again. He crossed his ankle over his knee, made himself comfortable with his hands on the armrests and stared me down.
He wasn’t going anywhere until I talked to him.
Damn it, I loved my brothers, but sometimes they irritated the shit out of me. Especially when I wanted to wallow in self-pity or stew in my anger alone.
“It’s just been rough with work. There’s been a hiccup with the investors, and I decided to cancel the eco-line I wanted to do.”
“Why?”
“They’re threatening to pull out, and I—we can’t afford that.”
I explained to Daniel what Sasha and Henry had said.
“They’re two of our biggest assets,” I finished. “I can’t just lose them over an impulsive decision.”
“Was it impulsive?”
“It wasn’t something I considered for a long time, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Yeah, but you’re not someone who does something without thinking it through. A lot. So it doesn’t seem right for you to say it was impulsive per se.”
“Well, whatever the word is, I can’t make that choice if it’s going to negatively affect the company. That’s my first priority—the company and where we’re headed—no matter how serious I get in my personal life.”
“You’re talking about Charlotte, aren’t you?” The question was rhetorical.
I sighed and sat back in my chair, swiveling it toward the window that looked out over the ocean. I would never get tired of looking at the ocean—it was never the same. It always changed, and it seemed to have moods, too. Some days it was calm and inviting, and some days it was stormy and dangerous. Life was a lot like that.
Although, these days it felt like life was stormier and more dangerous than anything else. But maybe I was just being dramatic.
“What happened?” Daniel asked.
“I wanted to do the line for her,” I admitted. “It was the right thing to do at the time. But it’s not that simple—I can’t just jeopardize the company, and I have to do what’s right for the business, you know.”
“Did you tell her you’re pulling the line?”
I nodded. “Yeah, and she’s pissed. She says I’m just in it for the cash, it’s got nothing to do with what’s good for the company. And I guess she’s not wrong. I mean, we’ll lose money if we do this, but that’s not the driving force, and it sure as shit isn’t about personal gain. Which she says it is.”
Daniel nodded as I talked to him, letting me get it off my chest. The more I talked about it, the angrier I became. I was furious with Charlotte for making it sound like it was about me and for painting me in the same light as her dad.
This was nothing like that. I wasn’t doing something horrible. I wasn’t making the world a worse place with my actions, and although a lot of what we did was about making money, that wasn’t the main focus.
“Maybe you should just explain it to her,” Daniel suggested. “You know where she’s coming from, but does she know where you’re coming from?”
“It’s not like she gave me a chance to explain.”
Daniel shook his head. “Sometimes, when emotions run high, you just need to take some time to cool down, you know?”
He wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t that simple.
“I just don’t think it’s going to work out between us,” I finally said. “I mean, she called it off after one disagreement, and if that’s how she’s going to play it, then I’m not going to be the one to keep fighting. I’m not supposed to be in this alone.”
Daniel raised his eyebrows again.
“At the end of the day, you need to decide what it’s worth to you and if you want to fight for her.” He thought for a moment. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re really good together. I’ve never seen you the way you were with her. She brings the good out in you.”
I hated that Daniel said that. I appreciated he was open with me, but fuck, it wasn’t that simple, and I needed someone who was going to be there for me through thick and thin and not just bail at the first signs of trouble.
“Thanks for listening,” I finally said.
“Anytime. I know it’s not always that easy. We have it differently than most. People always think that because we’re rich and we have a good support network, that we don’t have troubles, but with what we’ve all been through as kids… it doesn’t always work that way. A good support network helps a lot, but money doesn’t take away the tough stuff. Ever.”
I nodded. Daniel was right about that.
“When are you in town again?”
“Not anytime soon, but I think I’ll see you in Monaco. I’ll swing by for the show. I hate missing those.”
“Okay, cool.”
Daniel stood, and I did, too. We shook hands, and he clapped me on the back.
“I know it can be pretty fucking hard out there sometimes, but having someone by your side to work through it can make it a bit easier,” he said before he let go of my hand.
I nodded. “I know.”
“You’re going to be fine, bro,” Daniel said. “You just have to stop fighting good things as hard as you do.”
“I don’t do that,” I countered.
“Sure.” Daniel clearly disagreed with me. He left my office, and I sighed, sinking back into my chair.
I couldn’t focus on work, and I didn’t stay in my chair for long. I walked past Marina’s desk and told her to hold my calls and postpone any meetings. She could send urgent calls to me, but chances were I wasn’t going to be able to take them. I didn’t tell her that, though.
When I left the office, I drove to the marina and walked to the boat I’d taken Charlotte out on. I got in, untied it, and started the engine. I left the marina, heading into open sea. The spray on my face and the wind whipping around me was welcome.
Whenever I was out here, I felt free. Nothing could reach me across the waves. No one could find me as soon as I was out of cell range, and I was alone with my thoughts.
Sometimes, it was less soothing than others—being alone with my thoughts wasn’t always the best thing.
But today, I just needed to get away from everything.
For a while, I just explored the ocean, but I soon found myself close to Dutch Island. The old lighthouse on the rocks stood like a lone sentinel, looking out to sea, and the waves made a mist-like spray against the rocks at its base.
I drove toward the beach where Charlotte and I had moored the little boat during the storm.
Now that there was no storm and the ocean was calm, it was easy to get to the beach, and the island was quiet and peaceful.
After making sure the boat was secure, I walked across the beach and up toward the lighthouse. The door was closed but unlocked, as we’d left it. I doubted anyone had been here before.
The lighthouse seemed old and abandoned, and it was the stuff of my memories with Chris when we were kids. But today, there was so much more to it.
It was also filled with memories of Charlotte.
The ground floor was less threatening, with no water driving in through the broken windows and cracks in the wall. It was the kind of place where I imagined people making a life. I’d heard of so many people renovating lighthouses to live in, and it was something that could be done here—the room was big enough to make a cozy living space, with a small kitchen, and the view would always be spectacular.
I climbed the first set of spiral stairs. The room Charlotte and I had spent the night in seemed small and cold and nothing like it had been with her. The storm had raged outside when we’d been here, and we hadn’t known how long we would be stranded, but it had been so warm with her.
It had been like a fairy tale.
Now it seemed cold and abandoned and forgotten.
But it could be done up, too, if we really wanted to do it.
The tarp still lay on the floor where we’d slept. I’d returned the lamp and matches to the chest for someone else, but the rest was still as it had been when we’d been here.
I flashed on her naked body pressed against mine. Not only during sex, when our bodies had melded together and we’d become one, but when we’d slept, too.
When we’d talked about our past and about the possibility of our future.
When I’d told her I was adopted, she hadn’t looked at me like there was something wrong with me. She hadn’t made me feel like I was lacking somehow, like I was in a world where I didn’t belong.
But I felt like I was.
It didn’t matter how much money we had; it didn’t change where I’d come from, what my start was in life. And even though I’d been taken out of that situation, it didn’t change who I used to be, and the abusive man my father had been was still ingrained in my very DNA.
What if something like that came out one day when I didn’t expect it, and it turned out I was a nasty, low-life son of a bitch, too?
It hadn’t happened so far, but if I’d learned anything, it was never say never.
My whole life I’d spent with women who only wanted my money, so I’d taken from them what I wanted and I hadn’t given them what they wanted. They couldn’t get that from me when I didn’t feel they cared about me as a person.
But not letting them get close had allowed me to avoid the fact that I didn’t feel like I deserved more than someone wanting me for my money and just getting a one-night stand out of it.
I’d never had to face the facts because it had never come up before.
But Charlotte was so incredible and what we’d shared had felt so much like home that I’d started to think about what I was giving her in return if it wasn’t my money.
I’d weighed myself and measured myself, and I’d realized I was lacking.
So, as pissed off as I was that Charlotte had broken things off with me and thought that I was like her father, I guess it didn’t matter.
I hated that she thought that of me because that was terrible, but it was better that I wasn’t in her life.
Because the kind of terrible didn’t matter in the end. Whether it was about personal gain and money—like her dad—or if it was because I wasn’t worth everything the rest of the world thought I was, she deserved better.
So, instead of being pissed at her and saying that she should have acted differently, I guess it had worked out the way I’d known it would all along.
And it was better this way. It hurt like a bitch, but the fact was…
I loved her.
She deserved better.
It was better to let her go than to hold onto her for my own selfish reasons and let her be with someone like me.
I finally turned around and left the lighthouse. When I got into the boat and headed back to Rhode Island, I didn’t look back.