Chapter 18
PENN
“Hockey players eat a lot, but there’s no way you ate that whole dessert in the two minutes I was on the phone,” Hazel says.
My heart is beating too fast, thumping almost uncomfortably in my chest, but I hold my teasing smile in place. “You’re right. I didn’t take a single bite when you were on the phone.”
“Phew.” She grins. “I really didn’t want to have to stab you.”
“Of course you didn’t. You’re secretly obsessed with me.” My voice is carefully light and playful, and I’m hoping she can’t see how shaken I am inside.
No. Not just shaken. I’m indignant.
I can’t believe all that garbage Hazel’s mom just said to her.
The stuff she said about me, I don’t care about.
Mrs. Palmer doesn’t know me, and honestly, people have said worse things about me many times before.
But to tell her own daughter she should accept being cheated on?
That's wild. Then she had the gall to add insult to injury and demean the career Hazel has worked her ass off for. “No,” Hazel says now, smiling like she wasn’t just trampled on by the person who’s supposed to love her unconditionally.
“I didn’t want to have to stab you tonight because I don’t feel like cleaning up the mess it would make. I’m tired.”
“You could’ve just left it; the mess would’ve fit right in.” I gesture around me to the heaps of dirty dishes and laundry strewn everywhere. Hazel’s apartment is much smaller than the loft, but it’s warm and cozy—or, it would be, if it wasn’t for the mess.
She groans, then says what I was expecting. “That’s all Chadwick’s doing. He’s such a pig. I think he’s waiting for me to tidy it all up for him, but I’m not doing that. I’m not responsible for cleaning up his messes anymore.”
I stare at her, this incredible woman who doesn’t know how amazing she is, and say, “Hazel, you were never responsible for cleaning up his messes. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty damn sure that’s not what a relationship is.”
She sighs and sinks back down onto the couch. “I guess not.”
I sit down next to her—kind of hoping she’ll rest her head on my arm again—but when she doesn’t, I pass her the tiramisu.
“Did you date much before Chadwick?” I venture. I really don’t want to talk about him, but I want her to have someone to talk to. Because she doesn’t seem to know many people here in California, and now I know she can’t even talk to her own mother.
“Is it weird that he was my first serious boyfriend?” She winces. “I’m twenty-six, and I only ever had one relationship.”
I shrug. “Same.”
“Yeah, but you’re only, like, twenty-two.”
“Practically twenty-three.”
My birthday is next week, actually, a couple of days after we get back from our stint on the road. But I don’t mention it. I’m not a big fan of my birthday. It was always a day I hated when I was growing up. I’ll probably just hang out with Cass that day.
She waves a hand like this is an unimportant detail. “Still a baby. And you may have only had one girlfriend, but I have a feeling that’s because you chose to play the field.”
She’s half right. I did choose that lifestyle for a long time—but not for the reason Hazel thinks.
Hazel scoops up a bite of tiramisu with her fork, then eyes me as she continues, “And before you go thinking I’m a totally hopeless case, Playboy, I did date before Chadwick. A little. But I never made time for a relationship before him.”
It bothers me more than it should that the first man she ever made time for in her life was that douchebag…but this isn’t about me right now, it’s about her. “You’re a lot of things Hazel, but you sure as hell aren’t hopeless. I’d never think that about you,” I say, looking into her eyes.
Hazel snorts, and the exhale of air sounds like she’s physically deflating.
“You’re the only person who wouldn’t, then.
You heard my mother just now. She doesn’t want me to break up with Chadwick because she can’t believe I could land someone better than him.
” She looks so downtrodden, I want to take her in my arms again, hold her, and stroke her hair to try and make it better.
But I resist the urge to reach for her, knowing I need to be here as her friend right now. A real friend, who actually gives a shit. “Well, your mom is dead wrong.”
“I think that’s one of the reasons I stayed with him so long.
Because…a big part of me believed that, too.
That I was lucky to get attention from a good-looking, successful guy like Chadwick.
Nevermind having the honor of being his girlfriend.
” Hazel’s lower lip wobbles. “I just wanted to impress my mom for once. She was over the moon when she found out I was dating him. Me and Chadwick’s parents have been friends for ages, we grew up vacationing with them, our moms always hoped we might get together.
I think having my parents’ approval blinded me to his red flags. ”
Blinking, I digest this new information about her and Chadwick’s history. Their relationship makes so much more sense now, they’ve known each other since childhood…and she probably only saw the best version of him.
I shake my head. “Wanting approval from the people we love is normal, and it can definitely skew our better judgment sometimes.”
I know this from experience with my dad.
Hazel swallows. “I know you hate Chadwick, but I really did love him at one point. And I was stupid enough to think he loved me, too.”
“Hazel, you have to stop this negative self-talk. You’ve referred to yourself during this conversation as hopeless, weak, and stupid…
and none of those are adjectives that fit you in the slightest. You’re a brave, intelligent woman, who’s beautiful and deserves nothing but the best. You just happened to fall in love with someone who wasn’t worthy of you. It happens.”
She wipes her nose on her napkin then looks at me. “Doubt it happens to people like you.”
“People like me?”
“Hot athletes. I know you’re nothing like Chadwick in a lot of ways, but you fall into the same category as him on this one. You guys have women lining up, so you get to be the heartbreakers, not the ones getting your hearts broken.”
I bark out a laugh. “Okay, two things. One: thank you for acknowledging that I’m hot. Much appreciated.”
She rolls her eyes at this, but she’s fighting a smile as she says, “Do I even want to know what two is?”
“You do. Two: have I ever told you why your ex-boyfriend and I don’t get along?”
Her brow crinkles. “I assumed you were hockey rivals.”
“We are. But I’ve also known Chadwick for a long time. Back in high school, we were teammates.”
Hazel’s mouth drops open. “Really?”
“Yup.” I nod. “He was three grades above me, but he repeated his senior year to get into a better college for hockey, so I played on the same team as him for two years of high school. He loved hazing the underclassmen—and he especially hated me.”
“Why?”
“It first started because I was better than him,” I answer honestly.
“Back then, he wasn’t half as good a player as he is now, even though he had a private coach and the best training money could buy.
I could skate circles around him, and we play the same position…
so you can guess what happened. Before long, our Coach gave me more playing time than him.
Even when I didn’t earn it.” I grimace, memories of my past mistakes surfacing in my mind. “Chadwick never forgave me for it.”
Hazel grimaces. “So he made your life hell?”
“Yes. And then he hooked up with my girlfriend.”
She sputters, coughing out a surprised squeak.
I laugh and pat Hazel on the back until she catches her breath and looks at me, those big green eyes of hers all blinky behind her glasses. “Your girlfriend, as in, the one relationship you’ve ever been in?”
“Tori,” I confirm. “We dated for almost three years.”
“Penn, I’m so sorry…” Her eyes go from soft and sympathetic to narrow and angry in a split second. “Chadwick is such an asshole,” she spits out.
I grin. “I’ve never heard you swear before.”
Her hand flies up to her mouth like she’s shocked she swore. This makes me laugh harder.
“Attagirl, say it like it is. He is an asshole. And you don’t have to be sorry, by the way.
It was a long time ago, and I should have seen it coming.
I just told you to show you that stuff like this happens to the best of us.
That we can all be a little blind when we love someone.
And hey, as badly as it sucks, it’s better to be cheated on than be a cheater, right? ”
“I guess,” Hazel says with a nod, still looking annoyed. “Did she and Chadwick date after that?”
I remember his poisonous words at the grocery store and shake my head. I don’t want to get into that conversation with Hazel, she doesn’t need to know the things Chadwick said about her.
“No—it was a one time thing. She told me the next day, and we broke up. But we would have broken up anyway, Chadwick or no Chadwick. I don’t hold it against her. Made my peace with it years ago”
“That’s very noble of you,” Hazel says flatly. “I definitely hold Chadwick’s cheating against him.”
“Because Chadwick’s an asshole, remember?” I tease. “But Tori and I were just kids when we got together. Plus, I was going through a lot at the time, and I wasn’t always the best boyfriend…” I trail off.
Of course I was devastated at the time, but hindsight has given me a lot of clarity.
Tori and I were young and naive, high on the feeling of falling and all the firsts we were experiencing together.
But I was in no way ready for a relationship.
I didn’t even have a reference point for how to love someone else.
Aside from my sister, I’d never truly loved—or been loved—by anyone before, and I gave Tori my attention, my devotion, my heart…everything I had to give, because somebody finally wanted me.
I can see now how that was way too heavy an emotional burden to expect anyone to carry.
Love isn’t about giving in hopes that the other person won’t let go.
I was inadvertently using our relationship as a tool to fill the gaping holes in my heart my childhood left there, and it was crushing her.
Then, when my dad showed up at school and created the biggest mess imaginable, I understood that it scared her…
that in that moment, I scared her. And Chadwick provided her with what must’ve looked like a welcome escape from me and my mess at the time.
Hazel leans over and puts her head on my arm like she did before her phone call. The contact calms my thoughts instantly.
“Well, you’ve been nothing but the best fake boyfriend to me, Penn,” she says, and I grin, happy to have a diversion from picking open old wounds.
“We have Chadwick to thank for bringing us together. United by hatred for his cheating ass. A love story for the ages.” I smile as Hazel starts cracking up. “Speaking of Chad-dick, where’s the jerk in question tonight?”
I thought he’d be sliming around the apartment trying to woo Hazel with some over the top bullshit cookie cutter Valentine’s nonsense.
“Sacramento.”
I feel a weird amount of relief at this, but then my eyes flit back to the dishes in the sink. “So he’s out of town for the night and left this mess behind?”
“Yeah, I think he figured I’d clean it up before he got back.”
My eyes zone in on the dishes, but instead of feeling angry at the sight of his disrespect this time, I get an idea. I jump to my feet so quickly, Hazel almost tips sideways on the couch.
“What are you doing?” she asks as I stride over to the sink and start grabbing stacks of filthy plates.
“If he wants us to clean up his mess, then we’ll clean it up.”
“I don’t see how washing his dishes is going to help our plan to make him want to leave…” Hazel starts, but I’m already heading towards the hallway.
“Which one’s Chadwick’s room?” I call to her
“Second door on the right. But what are you—”
She doesn’t get the chance to finish her sentence, because her words morph into shocked silence as I yank open his bedroom door and dump my armful of dishes right onto his obnoxious black satin comforter.
“Penn!” she squeals, giggling.
“See? Mess returned to its rightful owner.” I smile and turn to Hazel. “Want to do the honors of bringing the next load in?”
“I’m already on my way.”