27. River #3
“I’m not going back,” I tell Blaze. “I’m quitting. I refuse to be part of Chaos ?—”
“You aren’t quitting,” Blaze says. He puts an arm around me. “Come on. You’re putting everyone on edge, looking like you want to murder someone.”
That would be because I do, but I’m not stupid enough to say that aloud.
I look in the direction Mrs. Delgado had gone in. I want to find her, to apologize to her, to let her take out all of her anger and frustration on me like I won’t be able to do to the two people actually responsible for Franklin’s death.
It wouldn’t be the first time I stood there and let somebody pummel me, but it would be the first time I deserved it.
Instead, Blaze pulls me toward the door with a firm hold on me. I could break free if I wanted to, but what’s the point?
I let him guide me out of the hospital, grief and pain making my vision hazy.
Asch is waiting by the convertible. He holds the keys out to Blaze, then asks, “Are you okay to drive?”
Blaze huffs a small, unamused laugh. “Fucking sobered up, yeah.” He runs a hand through his disheveled blond hair before taking the keys. “Come on. We’ll take River home, then head back to the frat house.”
I get into the back of the car — where Franklin had suffocated, where Franklin had died — feeling numb. I rub the stump where my pinky used to be, over and over, until it feels like I might open the skin and expose the bone beneath.
As we approach the campus, Blaze takes a turn away from my dorm.
“Blaze,” I say, breaking through the haze. “This is the wrong way.”
“It isn’t,” Blaze answers, and there’s a sharp edge to his voice. He parks the car at the same parking lot by the woods where the stupid pledge week hunt had taken place.
“Why are we here?” I ask. “Take me home.”
“No.” Blaze gets out of the car and opens the back door for me.
I glance at Asch, who shrugs and gets out too.
I follow their lead even though all I want to do is get home and pass out in my bed, where I don’t have to think about any of this, where I don’t have to process any of this. I take out my phone, and even though I know it’s stupid, I send Franklin a text.
River
I’m sorry
I have ten new texts from Pandora, but I ignore them.
Then I hear whimpering. I snap my head up, and see somebody sitting against a tree, tied up. The sole lamp in the parking lot casts ominous shadows over him.
It’s Brock.
“Blaze!” Brock struggles against the rope. “Look, man, I get it. You can let me out now. I won’t do it again.”
Blaze smiles viciously at me. “I think we need to teach Brock a lesson about brotherhood, about what we do to people who kill our friends.”
Brock’s eyes widen, and he shakes his head quickly. “He’s not dead. It was just a bit of vape.”
I’m far from a stranger to violence, and the idea of getting my hands on him awakens something dark and ugly inside of me. “Yeah? Tell that to his fucking mother ,” I say savagely, closing the distance between us. As soon as I’m close enough, I kick him in the side. “You stupid motherfucker.”
You stupid little shit!
The words are at the forefront of my mind, reminding me that by doing this, I’m every bit as bad as him .
In this moment, I don’t particularly care .
“Don’t kill him,” Asch says, his voice calm and oh-so-reasonable as he watches from nearby.
“I’m not going to kill him,” I snarl. “I’m only going to make him wish he was dead.”
Just like I’d been in pain so many times and had wished I was dead.
Except there’s a big difference between me and Brock.
I really hadn’t deserved what happened to me, something that seems stark to me tonight.
Brock does.
Blaze gives me an approving look. “We’ll leave enough of him alive for the Delgados to crucify.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, man. I didn’t know. I thought it was fake. It was just a little fun—” Brock babbles.
“Fun?” I repeat, my voice so cold that it doesn’t quite register as my own. “Yeah. Killing somebody is fun .”
I kick him again, and this time, something cracks.
He screams.
Franklin hadn’t even been able to scream.
“His hand,” I say. “Get his hand flat on the ground.”
I remember my own hand being forced to the floor seconds before?—
Blaze shrugs and motions for Asch to approach. The two of them loosen the ropes, and Brock tries to fight them but he’s no match for the two of them. Asch wrestles Brock to the ground and sets his knee on Brock’s broken rib.
Brock screams again.
Blaze extends Brock’s arm out.
I wish I had a knife.
I stomp on his hand as hard as I can, and as he screams and screams, I grind my foot down onto it.
“Good luck saving that hand,” I tell him over his sobbing. They might be able to reconstruct it, but it’ll never be the same again .
He doesn’t deserve for it to be. He deserves to remember this forever.
I’m sorry .
My eyes are suddenly wet with tears, and I blink them angrily away. “Fuck!” I snarl. If I don’t get away from him, I’m going to do more damage, too much damage, and I don’t have the resources to do anything about it.
Would you help me bury a body?
We’re too far away from New Bristol for the Pavones to be much help, but Pandora is resourceful. She’d find a way to help me.
It’s easy to forget right now that I hate her because suddenly, I need her more than I’ve ever needed anyone.
Blaze and Asch get up, while Brock continues to sob and whimper.
“You’re lucky,” Blaze says to Brock. “Because I want to give Mrs. Delgado closure. So you’re going to pick yourself up, and you’re going to call Tate or who the fuck ever to take you to the hospital, and you’re not going to say a single fucking word about who did this to you, or I won’t be so merciful again. You got it?”
Brock whimpers.
Blaze sighs and grinds his foot down on Brock’s hand.
The scream scares some nearby birds out of the trees.
“Do. You. Understand?” Blaze asks.
“Yes!” Brock shouts. “I’m sorry! Blaze, I promise, I won’t tell anyone, I won’t, I swear?—”
Blaze steps back and tosses a phone onto Brock’s chest. “Good. Don’t think about going to the authorities either. Remember what happened last year.”
Brock’s crying gets louder, but he nods. “Y-yes.”
Blaze turns his attention to me. “Are you satisfied with this?”
“No,” I tell him, staring down at Brock’s pathetic figure on the ground. “But it’s going to have to be enough.”
Blaze opens the door to his car. “I’ll drop you off. For real this time.”
I let out a harsh laugh as I slide into the back seat. “You don’t have Tate hidden away somewhere too?”
“I’m gonna make him wet himself in anticipation, don’t worry.” Blaze waits until Asch gets in, then starts up the car. “I’ve got a few ideas.”
We drive back in silence. As Blaze gets close to the dorms, I say, “Drop me off here. I’ll walk the rest of the way.”
Blaze stops in front of one of the buildings. He turns to look at me. “You’ll walk the rest of the way, huh?”
Asch glances at the building and shakes his head. “This might not be a good idea, River.”
“It’s fine,” I say. “I need the air.”
I need more than the air.
I need Pandora.
I jog into the building, and I skip the elevator to take the stairs up. When I get to the door, I start pounding on it.
“Pandora!” I shout. “Let me in!”
I keep pounding on the door, until it opens mid-knock.
Pandora is standing there in nothing but tiny shorts and a tank top, white with a green snake pattern. No makeup, and her hair is loose. She’s blinking hard against the light from the hallway.
“River? If you want a booty call, you missed your window like three hours ago.”
“I don’t—” I begin, but a sob rips its way from my throat. I step forward and pull her into my arms, burying my face in the crook of her neck. “Fuck. Fuck, Pandora. I can’t…”
I can’t fall apart right here.
I can’t let anyone see me break.
But right now? I don’t think I can stay whole.