28. Pandora #2
“If it wasn’t for that attack, everyone wouldn’t have been acting like they were, Pandora,” he says sharply.
“We’d all already been drinking. Franklin had been so intent on feeling like one of the guys that he did something stupid.
And they wouldn’t have even noticed him if he hadn’t tried to be a big man.
He tried to do something brave, and everyone paid attention to him. ”
I tilt my head, and the stabbing inside my chest starts up again. “Your friend’s death wasn’t Kratos’s fault, River. I mean, if we want to look at the real cause, it was probably him not standing up for himself. It’s kind of stupid to?—”
“It’s kind of stupid?” he snaps. “It’s not stupid to think that it wouldn’t have happened at all if your brother and his friends hadn’t pulled something like that!”
Wait .
This isn’t how this is supposed to go.
I’m supposed to make River feel better.
“Not you,” I argue. “I meant your friend. If he knew he was allergic, he could have refused the vape.”
“He tried, Pandora!” River bursts out. “He tried, and they pushed him, and he gave in because they said it was fucking synthetic, and he believed them. He trusted them. And I…” He lets out another bitter laugh.
“I didn’t stop it. I barely even tried. I left him there with them and didn’t even notice he was having an allergic reaction until it was too late. ”
“How is that your fault?” I say, reaching out for him. “Look, he made his dumb choice, and?—”
“His dumb choice?” River snarls, pulling away from me. “Maybe you’re immune to wanting other people to like you, but Franklin isn’t. Wasn’t . Think of him as weak or pathetic all you want, but it’s not going to change the fact that he’s gone!”
“Right, and we can hurt the people who gave him the vape!” I’m still not sure I understand the flow of events, but if this is all starting to spiral in weird directions.
“You already took care of one guy. Just Zayden and the other dick to go. Come on, we can plot out how extreme you want to make it. Ooh, if either of them is allergic to something, we should make them choke on that.”
“Murder isn’t the solution to every problem,” River says, getting up from the bed and taking a step away from me.
“Christ, I should’ve known you wouldn’t understand.
You think everyone is like you, aloof and above it all, and you think violence is the only solution.
Well, news flash, it isn’t going to bring him back. Nothing will.”
The thing inside my empty chest cavity starts clawing its way out again, and I reach up to clutch my chest.
The thump thump thump of the fists pounding against my ribs echoes in my ears.
I have to fix this. I can’t let River leave again.
“Violence isn’t the only solution!” I say, getting off the bed to join him. I place my hands on his arms, and he flinches. “Come on. You wanted comfort. I can do that. Fuck me soft or hard, however you want. I’ll take it.”
“I don’t want sex,” River says, taking a step away from me. “I wanted understanding, but I guess that’s too hard for you, isn’t it?”
“No, it isn’t!” I get closer to him again, reaching for his hand, but he pulls it away. “Please, River. I understand you’re hurting. It really, really sucks what happened. I can tell you cared for Frankie?—”
“Franklin!” he shouts. “His name was Franklin! Are you even paying attention to a single word I’m saying? You think he’s some pathetic loser , but he has — had — a family, and a girlfriend he was fucking sickening with, and he had a future. That future is gone!”
Why is the edge of the room spiraling? The shadows twist and twist, edging closer to us, circling around River and threatening to drag him away from me.
“I don’t think he’s a loser,” I say desperately. “I didn’t know him. But I do understand what it’s like to lose a friend, River, you know I do. So I don’t get why you’re being such a dick to me now.”
“I’m being…” He scoffs at me. “I’m being a dick? Oh, Pandora, you’ve seen me being a dick before. This isn’t it.”
I tilt my head, and a cold shadow creeps into my ear. “I guess that was when you called me a crazy whore, right?”
Why did I say that?
I didn’t want to say that.
River’s jaw clenches. “Yeah, that was when I called you a crazy whore, and I got my finger chopped off for it.”
My lips stretch out into a grin, cheek to cheek, and it hurts but I can’t stop myself. “Could have been worse. I could have told Uncle Slayer to go ahead and kill you.”
River stares at me. “Maybe he should have. Because I lost everything because of you. My future is gone . Did you know, my father gave his blessing for them to do that and worse? Not all of us have what you do. Not all of us have unconditional support. Not all of us can say ‘fuck the world’ and not have consequences.”
Somebody laughs, except of course that’s me, my voice, my laughter, and I don’t think anything is funny right now, so why the fuck did I laugh?
“You just said you didn’t want my support!” I say. “I was going to help you get back at the assholes who hurt you, River. We can still do it, if you stop being like this.”
“I didn’t want you to help me get back at them!” he shouts. “I wanted you to… to…” His voice drops, and he snarls, “I wanted you to be something you’re not.” He turns, stalking toward the door.
He’s going to leave me again.
“River!” I reach for him, my hand wrapping around his left wrist. “Don’t go. Whatever you’re thinking, we can get over it.”
River jerks his wrist from my grasp. “Of course you don’t know what I’m thinking. If you did, you wouldn’t be trying to stop me right now.” He storms off to the door.
I’ve seen this before.
River yelling at me, leaving, disappearing into the dark edges of my vision.
“Don’t!” I hiss. “You can’t! We’re perfect together! You’re perfect, so you can’t do this to me!”
“You really are a crazy whore,” he says cruelly.
“If you think I’m ever going to stay. Go fuck Blaze and his bitch, let them cut you up and bruise you and whatever the fuck else they do to you.
I’ll find out what happened to Rachel, and I’ll deal with it…
Then you and I can have our reckoning.” He laughs.
“Assuming you don’t just call your parents to deal with me.
But do me a favor? Have them kill me this time. ”
My ribs crack, and cold rushes through me. The vacuum inside my chest pulls inward, inward, and I can’t breathe, I can’t see, my eyes are going blind and the only sound in my ears is the rushing of my gasping breaths.
I think I say something. Maybe I’m shouting, or begging, but River leaves all the same.
I try to follow him, except I don’t make it farther than the kitchen table before I step on glass and my legs crumble beneath me .
I don’t know how long I’m lying there, disintegrating, before Sam’s door opens.
She walks out and looks down at me.
“He broke up with you?” Sam asks, her eyebrows raised. “He could have waited until morning and not disturbed my sleep.”
I shake my head. “No. He’s not allowed to break up with me.”
I force myself into a sitting position. I look down at myself, and there’s no blood, no holes. My feet and legs are fine. My chest is entirely in one piece.
Sam makes an annoyed sound. “Just have your drama elsewhere next time.”
“It wasn’t drama,” I say steadily.
Because it wasn’t. River was being silly. He was sad because of his friend, and that’s normal. Natural. I was sad because of Rachel, but I got stronger from it, and I forgave River.
I forgive River this time too.
I get up and go back to my bedroom. I’ll do something nice for River, and he’ll forget about whatever dumb thoughts made him yell.
I find my charm, River’s three finger bones strung together, and kiss each one. This is proof that he’ll never leave me, that he loves me.
“Don’t worry, River,” I tell the bones. “I’m fine. I’m not petty like I was before.”
I’m really not. The old me would have wanted to kill River by now.
But since I’m more mature, I’ll settle for hurting the people who hurt River instead.