Chapter Twenty-One
A feeling of déjà vu settled over me the longer I sat, waiting for Zack. Waiting. Waiting some more. Then waiting some more. I was not good at waiting.
My heartbeat pounded behind my eyes. The last time, I had only been pissed. This time was different. The last road I wanted to walk was the one of Did I Make a Mistake Boulevard .
Damn it.
My phone vibrated in my purse, and my hands were beginning to shake as I pulled it out.
ZACK : Hey, something came up last minute. Can I make it up to you later this week?
My hands immediately shook, and I gripped the phone tighter to make them stop. Every part of my being wanted to tell him to go to hell. I typed out the words even. Four times. Each time, I deleted them, looking for any way to justify his actions.
Please, please do not let me be the girl who lost her virginity to a guy who couldn’t be bothered to call to cancel a date .
My stomach twisted, and my breaths came faster.
The familiar feeling of making a huge mistake washed over me—the same feeling I’d had eight months ago sitting in the sheriff deputy’s car, trying to explain why I’d been driving after drinking.
I thought I’d learned my lesson since then, gotten smarter about my decisions, but here I was again, another poor choice. I tried to push the thought away.
This wasn’t like that. Zack would show up tomorrow with some legitimate excuse and everything would be fine. I wasn’t the same idiot making the same kind of mistakes. I couldn’t be .
I shoved the phone under my pillow before I could text back without thinking it through.
You will not cry. Not one.single.tear. Nothing has even happened. You’re just overreacting.
I forced myself to ignore everything until I could calm down. I would just focus on this beautiful room. I found myself wishing the cable was hooked up already because some background noise would be great right about then.
But you don’t need cable to watch a movie, I told myself.
Can’t Hardly Wait was at the top of the pile of DVDs I needed to organize.
Yes. 90s goodness.
Unfortunately, I made it about fifteen minutes in before remembering what a douche-canoe Jennifer Love Hewitt’s ex-boyfriend was in the movie. It did not improve my outlook on my whole situation, so the TV had to be turned off.
While I thoroughly hated myself for it, I took my phone out from under the pillow, letting my heart sink when there were no further messages from Zack. I chewed on my lip, because I didn’t think I could just let this go. I was going to lose my shit.
V : Hey, you around?
COURTNEY : Yeah, studying for midterms. Everything okay?
V : I don’t know.
All of four and a half seconds later, my phone rang.
“Hi,” I answered, trying to sound cheery.
“What’s going on?” Courtney demanded, clearly not buying it.
“I think I may have been really stupid,” I admitted for the first time out loud.
“I doubt it, but why?”
“I…well, the night of homecoming, I slept with Zack. But now…”
“Please tell me this is not an ‘I think I might be pregnant’ talk.”
“Oh god, no! No, we were safe. Sorry, I didn’t mean to make it sound like that.”
Courtney let out a deep breath. “Okay. Now we can continue.”
“I just don’t think he likes me anymore,” I blurted out before I could talk myself out of it. It sounded so weak, but that’s exactly how I felt.
“Why?” Courtney pressed, sounding sympathetic.
I told her about him standing me up for our date and lack of texts since homecoming, and she of course said all of the right things.
“It’s possible something really did come up, you know? And if it didn’t? If he’s honestly that guy, then you don’t want him. That’s a seriously fucked up game to play, V.”
“I know. You’re right. I just…god I’m so stupid. Why couldn’t I have figured this out before?”
“I’m so sorry. Maybe things are honestly fine, okay? Just talk to him, and then at least you can move forward one way or another. And you’re not stupid. Please call me if you need me.”
“Okay I will. I’ll let you study, I’m fine, honestly. I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow? No, no. You should absolutely call him tonight.”
I felt my eyebrows draw together. Impulsivity was usually my jam, not Courtney’s. “
“Really? You don’t think I should sleep on it?”
“You’re telling me you’re going to be able to sleep?” she asked, though it was obviously rhetorical.
“I mean…no?”
“Right. If it really is nothing? Then better you know it now and you can sleep. And if he’s a complete dick? You can get started on plotting his downfall, right?”
“Who are you?” I asked in awe.
“It’s just me, channeling a little bit of you. It seems like you need to remember who the hell you are. ”
I swallowed roughly at her words. “Yeah. Maybe you’re right. I’ll call him now.”
“Good, and if you need me, I’m here. Love you, V.”
“Love you girl, thanks.”
My brain had slowed down enough to process a thought after my conversation with Courtney. She was right. I didn’t need to sit here and worry all night. So, I pressed the call button and held my breath, willing my heart to stop pounding.
“Hey, what’s up?” Zack answered, what sounded like irritation coming through in his voice.
“That’s actually my question. What is it that came up after you were already supposed to be here? Because unless someone is dead, I can’t imagine why I’m letting that go.”
Zack let out a sigh. “You’re being dramatic.”
I ground my teeth together. “‘Kay. Then I guess I’m being dramatic.”
He chuckled at my response, and my anger surged again.
“What could you possibly be laughing at right now?”
“I’m just thinking that I should have anticipated this. I’m sorry. I should have been more…sensitive to your ah, situation.”
“What the hell are you talking about? I don’t have a ‘situation.’”
“V…the other night was your first time.”
My face flamed, and I was so glad this was over the phone and not in person. I willed my voice not to betray my embarrassment.
“And what does it matter?” I really needed this part of our conversation to be over. Immediately.
“Baby,” he started, his voice softening. “I’m sorry I canceled our date. I just had some stuff I had to deal with after practice, and it ran late. I figured we’d just catch up tomorrow instead. It wasn’t a big deal, but I didn’t know you were feeling this insecure.”
“I’m not insecure,” I shot back immediately.
I could almost hear him grinning.
“Of course not. You’re just feeling like this because we were together. And it was really fun, by the way,” he said, reassuring me. This did not help me calm down.
“I’ve told you before that I don’t enjoy being blown off. That hasn’t changed,” I said, sticking to my whole reason for calling him out.
“Well, then, I can’t disappoint. I’m on my way.” I heard what sounded like his car keys jingling in the background, and then a door open and close.
“Wait, what? Really?”
“Yes, really. I hope you’re still dressed up for me. I’ll be there in fifteen.”
“I…okay. I’ll see you soon.”
He hung up, and I just stared at my phone, dumbfounded. I realized I had been bracing for the worst, and I didn’t anticipate him just doing exactly what I wanted.
Well…okay then.
I hopped up to check my appearance now that I’d been through seventy-three emotions, and I practiced taking deep breaths.
Everything is fine. Everything is normal.
* * *
“Hey babe,” he greeted me as he jogged down the steps, planting a kiss on my mouth.
“Hey! So…what do you think?” I asked, gesturing to the rest of the room. I had decided while I waited that I would let go of my anger and my worry and try to have fun tonight.
“I think you look incredible.”
“Not about me, Mr. Charming, the room.”
“Oh! Well, I still think you look hot. And the room is cool. I like these things,” he stated, tapping one of the lanterns.
“You are not excited enough,” I complained .
“I’m sorry! I don’t like, look at people’s decorations. I am very excited by other things in this room though, he explained, being certain to speak softly as he let his fingers travel just under the hem of my dress.
“You’re lucky you’re so smooth,” I answered, fighting back a shiver. “Where are we going anyway?”
“Well let’s get going and find out.”
I followed him upstairs and appreciated his biceps in his Fox Falls t-shirt, sighing inwardly when he put his jacket on before leaving the house. He swung his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close on our way out to the Charger.
“Did you miss me?” I flirted, trying to act like my old self.
“Miss you from when, this afternoon? Tons,” he answered.
“At least pretend like you mean it,” I chastised him.
“I’m sorry. I do mean it. I missed you.”
He kissed me quickly before opening my car door.
We drove towards the outskirts of town with some form of his horrible music on the stereo.
I hadn’t even bothered playing the CD he burned me.
It was the thought that counted. The car pulled off of a gravel road towards the river, and some of my confidence rushed out of my system.
“This is our date?” I asked incredulously.
“What? You were thinking champagne and caviar?”
“No, I was thinking it would be a date.”
“Are we together?”
I rolled my eyes.
“Are we having fun?”
I sighed.
“Are we about to have more fun?” he asked, his stupid blue eyes sparkling at me.
“Fun for you or for me?” I paused.
His near perma-smile finally fell, his jaw tightening.
“Damn it, Vanessa,” Zack yelled, slamming his fist into his steering wheel and sounding the horn.
I jumped at the sudden noise. “I like being with you because it’s fun.
I have a good time when we’re together. The rest of life is stressful, and when I’m with you, I can ignore it.
But now you’re turning this into one more god damned thing I have to deal with.
Your little act on the phone earlier was cute, I get it. But fucking drop the attitude.”
He got out of the car unexpectedly, slamming the door. There was a resurgence of fear and anger taking place in my mind as I watched him throw a pretty legitimate tantrum. I could tell there was deep breathing involved.
Do you want this to work or not?
It was apparent that it was either time to walk away or accept that what he said was true: He liked me, he enjoyed being with me, and he wanted to keep seeing me.
The thought of walking away made my stomach drop to my knees.
It meant admitting I’d made another terrible mistake.
It meant sitting in biology next to Luke, knowing he’d been right about Zack all along.
It meant Kim’s pitying looks and Liv’s inevitable subtle digs.
The other option settled my nerves some.
I could try to relax things needing to be a certain way—for a while.
I could give him time to work through his issues about Jenna and try to be okay with whatever level of dating this was.
I tugged on the door handle and steeled myself for more honesty than I was comfortable handing out.
He turned around and looked at me, his face still giving off irritation. “Look—” he began, but I stopped him.
“Let me say what I want to say, alright?”
He said nothing in return, so I proceeded.
“You might have been a little bit right earlier. I’m feeling… like…” this was harder than I thought.
“Insecure.”
“Yes,” I hissed as a warning. I wanted to get this out on my own.
“But we do have fun together, and I like hanging out with you. I just need for you to be a little bit more…forthcoming, I guess, with your communication. You can’t just text me and say ‘so mething came up,’ and then nothing.
And if you want to hang out at the river, just say that so I know what the plan is. Okay?”
I felt like that was concise enough to get my point across.
“Okay. I get that,” he agreed, walking closer to me. His demeanor was relaxed again, the tantrum seemingly over.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I should’ve, I don’t know. I should’ve thought about it…sooner. Come here.” He tugged on my fingers to pull me into him, and he wrapped his arms around me tightly. “You’re such a small fry.”
“I’m not even that short with these shoes on.”
“I know. I’m just huge,” he joked, flexing his arms as he held me.”
“And humble,” I kidded back.
“Can we make out now?”
“Well, since we’re here and all,” I said, trying to infuse playfulness back into my tone.
His mouth found mine, and there was an all-around better energy between us. The entire family of butterflies that typically lived in my stomach when I was with him returned, and I felt light-headed as he pressed me back against his car and his focus became much more intense.
“Did I already say how hot you look?” he murmured in my ear while his hands found their way under my dress.
“It’s possible you mentioned it.”
* * *
It really hadn’t been my intention to have sex with him. Especially not in the back of his car.
Trashy, cliché, and awkward, I thought.
The trifecta of stupid girl moves. I really hadn’t even been certain that’s what was happening, until it was.
And something about the way my name passed through his lips when he wanted me made me an idiot.
It was more uncomfortable than painful this time, but I just felt unsure once it was over and my brain began working again.
We were in such a precarious place in our…
relationship, if I could even call it that.
It felt like being on a teeter-totter from hell.
“I’m glad we’re okay,” he told me as he drove me home. “I needed this tonight.”
“I’m glad we are too. Everything okay with you?”
“Yeah, just a lot of pressure. Football, and midterms, and I don’t know, just shit.”
“Okay. Well, if you want to talk about it…”
“I know,” he smiled, and left it at that.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Give me a kiss,” he commanded before I got out. I obliged, and without giving myself time to second guess it, I asked the question I’d really wanted to ask all night. Perhaps I’d wanted to ask it since Vader’s bonfire.
“You’re not seeing other people, are you?” I inquired with a confidence I didn’t feel.
“What? Where did that come from?” He shifted in his seat uncomfortably.
“Just answer the question.”
“Okay? No, I’m not seeing anyone else.”
“Okay, then. Just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.”
“Goodnight, V.”
“Goodnight.”
I held my head slightly higher than normal, putting one foot in front of the other with certainty. I greeted my parents, I took the stairs calmly one at a time, and I closed the door to my room. Then I came apart at the seams.