Chapter Twenty-Four #2
“You ready to head out?” Luke’s voice came from behind me.
I had been watching the parking lot anxiously for any sign of that stupid Charger but turned to face Luke instead.
He had on a pair of mirrored aviators, and while I wanted to scoff at his trendiness, he looked hot. Even so, I couldn’t let it slide.
“Yeah. Nice shades, Top Gun,” I teased. He chuckled and shot me an arrogant grin.
“You know I look good.”
“Do I, now?” I retorted, following him towards his truck. He just tugged on my hair playfully.
“Interesting that you didn’t disagree.”
I almost couldn’t glare at him for the smile that was creeping out. He had been uncharacteristically quiet during bio but seemed to be more himself now.
“So… how was your day?” he asked, his meaning clear, once we were in the cab.
“Other than Liv? Not a word. You were right, I guess. ”
“I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”
“Shut up.”
“Hmmm, that wasn’t quite what I was looking for.”
“You were right,” I repeated slowly, widening my eyes, making Luke’s smile reach his.
His expression was satisfied as he turned on something rap-tastic. I even found myself moving to the beat of whatever it was, and I appreciated that Luke didn’t call me on it.
“Thanks for the ride,” I said as he pulled into my driveway. “Do you think it’s too much to hope that all of this just blows over, and I never have to see him again?” I asked, turning serious.
“I’m not sure if you want me to be nice or honest.”
“Neither.” I sighed. “I guess it was kind of rhetorical. Thanks again though.”
I turned to get out of the truck and head inside. To my surprise, Luke got out as well and was waiting for me next to the hood of the car. I raised a brow at him.
“You know I can make it to the front door. All by myself.”
“Ah, Vanessa, people wonder why chivalry is dead.”
I chuckled at the idea of him as a knight, but the laugh died in my throat as I realized how close he’d come to being exactly that.
My face grew warm as I walked up the steps to the porch, remembering him standing in front of me in the parking lot and shielding me from god-knows-what.
I silently called out to all of the woman-friendly goddesses in the universe not to let me cry.
“Hey, are you okay?” Luke asked, his eyes trying to catch mine.
I just nodded briefly and rifled through my backpack for my keys. Fucking keys. Causing more problems than they’re worth.
“V,” he stated again.
I nodded again, more forcefully this time, but by the time he finally locked my gaze with his, the tears had started to escape. The whole “normal” day had taken all I had.
“I’m sorry. I should have said the nice thing. I’m sure it will all be fine. I will make sure it’s fine. Even if I have to stand in front of you everywhere you go for the rest of the year to block the sight of him. Just, please don’t cry.”
“I’m not crying,” I managed through a closed throat. “I’m okay. Really, I don’t want you to be any later for the intramural setup. I’ll be fine.”
“I’m not worried about that. It’s not like I’m the only freshman basketball player. There are other guys to set up.”
I finally managed the task of unlocking the door and allowed him in without much more of a fight.
“Hold up, I know what will make you feel better,” he announced before abruptly turning around and jogging back to his truck.
What is his game? I wondered, narrowing my brows and having a hard time believing he was just in good Samaritan mode.
Throwing my bag and jacket on the couch, I went on a hunt for something even remotely unhealthy to eat in our pantry.
Bingo, I thought when I came across a bag of chocolate chips.
I was unabashedly pouring a handful and funneling them into my mouth when he returned.
“Really? Not even bothering to bake anything huh? Just straight from the bag. Respect,” he joked, holding out a poorly wrapped rectangular package.
“Whaisis”
“Huh?”
“Whad is dis?” I repeated more slowly, my mouth full of melting chocolate.
“What does it look like? Jesus, it’s a present, will you just open it?”
I shrugged and tugged off the purple paper. My breath caught, and I almost very seriously drooled chocolate saliva down the side of my mouth when I read the title of the DVD. It was an anniversary edition of The Little Mermaid, including the crappy sequel made too many years later to be a classic.
There were so many raw emotions already floating at the surface of my brain from holding them all in throughout the course of the day. The only new feeling to join the party was something fluttery that made me even more confused.
“I love this,” I managed. “Why… why did you have this in your car?”
“Ah…it was for my sister?”
“You don’t have a sister.”
“Yeah, I know. But can we pretend that I do? And that I bought this for her, but gave it to you instead so you’d stop crying?” He looked almost as uncertain as I did, all traces of his usual arrogant expression worn away and replaced with flecks of…nervousness?
“Yeah. We can do that,” I agreed softly.
When he started to turn towards the basement, I reached out without thinking. My hand caught his and pulled gently. The look in his eyes was almost pleading as he turned back around, our bodies much closer now.
“Vanessa, I…” He stumbled over his words, very unlike him, and I found myself pulling on his fingers again.
He leaned down, almost apologetic in his stance, and I held my breath when he finally kissed me.
I had known it was happening. I had, in fact, been the one to make it happen, but still my brain was shocked when it finally occurred.
His kiss was tentative, like he half expected me to push him away, but when I kissed him back and secured our fingers by weaving them together, he found his footing and pulled my hips firmly against his with his free hand. It felt good to feel wanted. And safe.
His lips were soft against mine, and warmth spread through my chest. It dawned on me that subconsciously, I was waiting for him to try to press for more, but he seemed perfectly content to stand there and kiss me like it meant something, making my thoughts slowly retreat.
This left me with just the feeling of his tongue moving with mine and the way his biceps felt under my nails.
We finally broke apart, each slightly short of breath. I stepped back, shock taking over my face without my consent.
“What…do you? Do we…we’ve always hated each other.”
The words came out despite the fact that I knew they were a lie. I had hardly hated him when I was plotting his ex-girlfriend’s death.
“That didn’t really feel like hate. And I’ve never hated you, V.” Luke spoke softly like he was afraid to break whatever spell we were under as we stood in my rooster-adorned kitchen.
Yet another movie montage began in my head, and all of his actions over the past months seemed to take on new meaning.
Unfortunately, most of those moments running through my mind included Zack, and I began to feel ill at the fact that if I’d listened to Luke in the beginning, I wouldn’t be in this mess.
Stupid proud stubborn girl , I berated myself. My heightened breathing brought me back to the present.
“How did you know? To tell me to stay away from him, before anything even happened?”
He looked at his shoes. “I really don’t see how that can possibly be useful now.”
“Tell me.” The mild nausea my memories had induced began to increase. “It’s making it worse with you just standing there like you’re hiding something.”
“He just…he’s not shy about…things. When he’s around his friends. And I doubt any of it’s even true, he just…damn it. He likes to run his mouth.”
“What kinds of things?”
Luke leaned his head back and groaned to the ceiling. “I can’t talk about this.”
“I asked what kinds of things, Luke.”
“About…stuff you guys did, or what he wanted to…at homecoming. Jesus, Vanessa, please don’t make me do this. I already got punched in the face for telling him to lick an electrical outl et.” Luke’s breathing had picked up, and he refused to make eye contact with me.
The words hit me like physical blows. My stomach heaved as I envisioned Zack’s friends and god knew who else sitting around thinking about…oh god. The room started to tilt slightly, and I pressed my hand against the wall.
“You couldn’t have mentioned any of this before?” My voice came out higher than normal, breathless. “How could you let me stay with him knowing…”
The walls felt like they were closing in. Every breath seemed to get caught in my throat before it could reach my lungs.
“I tried, Vanessa. You don’t listen, ever! Would you have even heard me if I tried to tell you all of it? Or would you have told me to go to hell? If you think that I don’t regret not doing more, you’re dead wrong.
“As soon as I saw his hands on you, I knew I didn’t do enough. I can’t get that image out of my fucking head. I would have locked you in my basement to keep you away from him if I knew what he was capable of.”
His hands on you . The parking lot. Zack’s grip on my wrist. The way he’d looked at me like I was nothing. The slap that still made my cheek ache. And now this—everyone knowing, everyone talking about me like I was some kind of joke.
My chest felt tight, like someone was squeezing all the air out of my lungs. I couldn’t catch my breath. The room was spinning, and Luke’s voice sounded far away even though he was right in front of me.
“I can’t—I need you to go,” I gasped, my hands shaking as I pressed them against my chest.
“Vanessa, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.” Luke stepped forward, concern replacing his frustration.
“Just go!” I practically shouted, backing away from him. “I can’t breathe. I can’t—”
Everything was falling apart. Yesterday, today, this kiss that felt so perfect but might have been the stupidest thing I’d ever done. How could I trust my judgment about anything when I’d been so wrong about Zack?
What if this is just another mistake? What if Luke is just another mistake?
“Hey, hey, look at me. You’re having a panic attack. Just breathe with me, okay?” Luke’s voice was gentle, but I couldn’t focus on his words. Everything felt too loud, too bright, too much.
Tears were streaming down my face now, hot and unstoppable. “No, I need you to leave. Please just—.”
“V, I’m not leaving you like this. Something’s wrong—”
“Nothing’s wrong! I mean, everything’s wrong. I don’t know the difference anymore.” The words tore out of my throat, and a hysterical laugh bubbled up after them. “I kissed you, and I don’t know if it was because I wanted to or because I’m just so fucked up that I can’t tell what’s real anymore.”
Luke’s face fell, hurt flashing across his features. “The kiss was a mistake?”
“I don’t know! I don’t know anything.” I was gasping now, each breath feeling impossible. “I can’t trust myself. I thought Zack was—and now everyone knows—and you—I can’t do this right now.”
“Okay.” Luke’s voice was quiet, defeated. “I’m sorry. For kissing you, for telling you about the things he said. I thought—I’m sorry. It was too soon, and I didn’t think.”
“Just please go.” I couldn’t look at him anymore. “I need to figure out how to breathe again, and I can’t with you looking at me like that.”
He hesitated at the door, looking back at me crumpled against the wall. “It is going against every fiber of my being to walk out right now. You know that, right?”
I just nodded, unable to form words.
“I’ll go. Well, in reality, I’ll go sit in my car for a while in case you change your mind. But V? When you can breathe again, when you’re ready—I’m here. Okay?”
The door closed softly behind him, and I slid down to the floor, finally letting myself come undone.