Chapter Twenty-Five
A mass of red hair nearly assaulted me when I stepped onto the sidewalk before class two days later.
“True or False—Zack got into a fight with some guy from the hockey team over Jenna , and that is why he’s sporting a messed-up face?”
“Run that by me one more time. I’m tired.
” That was an understatement. I hadn’t known the meaning of tired before now.
It had taken me a day to really feel normal again after Luke left, and then I had to put on a good show for my parents, and then there were the nights of insomnia. I was exhausted .
“This is what I hear. Zack, Jenna, guy from the hockey team, punch-punch-pow.”
“He’s very good,” I admitted, more to myself than to Liv.
“Soooooo, false?”
“False. But I don’t wanna expand on why right now. Okay? I gotta keep it together knowing he’s on campus today.”
“Fine. Ummmm, why are you wearing plaid pajama pants right now?”
“Oh my god, are you in charge of coming up with new ways to make me depressed? I feel like shit, I wore comfy clothes. They’re from Victoria’s Secret . You’d think I’d shown up in gold lamé stirrup pants or something.”
“Actually, I hear those are making a comeback,” Liv retorted, now completely interested in that discussion. With herself.
Truthfully, I had tried on fourteen different outfits, all of which made me feel like I was trying to draw attention to some area of my body, and it became too much.
The way Luke had looked at me, like he was embarrassed for me, was enough to make me want to transfer schools. Or apply for a foreign exchange program. And him seeing me have some sort of nervous breakdown did not inspire confidence in myself.
I’d given in and texted him back after his sixteen messages, only after he threatened to come back over and talk to my mother.
The thing that got me even more than my embarrassment though?
The fact that that was the best kiss I’d ever had.
I went round and round in my head trying to figure out if it was right or wrong or too soon or far too late.
I didn’t have any answers; I just knew I felt… safe.
By that afternoon, no less than seven people had asked me if I was sick, and I was starting to feel like I was ill, indeed. Only in this town were my pajamas cause for a national state of emergency.
After taking in my surroundings when I trudged into bio, I nearly pivoted and walked right back out. There was a lab set up on all of the tables, and Luke’s eyes were already on me, his expression cautious.
Shit .
I was hoping we would just be sitting and listening to a lecture. Never mind that I knew about this lab. My brain could just only hold onto so much shit at one time.
Could this day get worse?
I shivered at the thought. Because yes, it could get worse. I pushed those thoughts and images right back down where they came from.
With shoulders back, I marched to my seat without a clue as to how we were going to act.
I could still feel his lips on mine, could still remember the way his hands had felt pulling me closer.
My stomach did a little flip that didn’t feel like fear.
It felt a lot like wanting to do it again. Which was a fucking problem.
I was suddenly struck with the knowledge that I had no idea how to sit properly on the stool. It was either I was having tea with the queen or I was an invertebrate.
What the hell is wrong with you?
“What is wrong with you?” Luke questioned.
“Nothing,” I snapped back. “This chair is just uncomfortable. ”
“Uh-huh. As it has been since the beginning of the year.”
His green eyes held mine for a beat too long, and I felt heat creep up my neck.
“Perhaps you’re feeling uncomfortable for some other reason.”
“I can’t imagine what you’re referring to,” I said, looking anywhere but at him.
“Can we just…” I started, then lowered my voice when I realized other students were filtering in. “Can we just pretend things are normal for like, one class? Please? I just need to get through this lab without thinking about—” I gestured vaguely between us.
His expression shifted, becoming more serious. “V, we should probably talk about what happened. I’ve been trying to text you, and—”
“I know. And I texted you back. But can we not do this here? In front of everyone?” I could hear the pleading in my own voice. “I just need one normal hour where I’m not thinking about…you…or that kiss ,” I got out, my voice dropping to a whisper, “or how I completely lost my shit afterward.”
Luke’s eyebrows shot up. “V, you know I’m not judging you for any of that.
I wish you’d have let me stay, but I get it.
Please don’t be worried about it. And…I know the kiss ” he also dropped his voice to a comically conspiratorial whisper, “was too soon. And I’m sorry about that. But I’m not sorry it happened.”
His eyes searched mine, and I willed the clock to move so class would officially begin, and this conversation would be over.
“If you regret it, you can tell me, and I’ll back off, I just wanted you to know where my head was,” he said, his voice back to a much more serious tone.
He finally dropped my gaze, and I chewed on my lip. I didn’t know where my head was, but it wasn’t in a place where I wanted him to back off. That thought made my chest ache in a way that was completely different than the tornado of other emotions happening in there .
“Don’t,” I said quietly, but my voice was clear. His brows drew together as the professor projected the instructions for the lab. “Just…don’t back off.”
He couldn’t hide the grin that spread across his face, but to his credit, he let it go at that and focused on our lab.
* * *
My ears began to tune out whatever Kimmy was going on about in the hallway on the way to the commons; I was simply too overcome with regret about the pjs. Forcefully, I was jolted back to reality when she grabbed my wrist tightly.
“What the?” I asked, pulling my arm back
“Sorry!” she squeaked. “Just act like we are really involved in our conversation,” she advised mysteriously as we arrived outside the dining building.
“Okay? Pretend away.”
“Ummmm, it’s really hard to think of something to say when I’m really just trying to pretend not to see Zack standing across the way. Like really hard. Uhhhh, are there any new movies coming out we need to see?” Kim’s eyes held concern, but I knew my own held dread.
Not that it was a surprise; I’d known he was at school, and that I’d run into him eventually. Risking a glance towards where Kim refused to look, I saw him leaned up against the wall, face still bruised from his run-in with Luke, and Jenna perched at Vader’s side, though preoccupied with her phone.
My brain couldn’t quite calculate what that was all about…but knowing what I knew now, I almost had to respect Jenna’s game. Good on her for fucking with his head, honestly.
One of the other guys looked at me, totally catching me staring at them all like a weirdo, and I sucked in a breath.
Unfortunately, I swallowed at the same time and found myself in a coughing fit.
Before I could correct my eye-line, Zack met my gaze and winked at me.
Legitimately winked like he was some sort of a fucking winker.
Well, I was almost certain he winked. My eyes were watering from coughing, but it was a pretty distinct one-eyelid-closure.
After I caught my breath, Kimmy pulled me to keep moving toward the entrance to the dining hall. My skin crawled knowing that everyone over there knew everything .
Oh god. What if he made up other shit and they think things I haven’t even imagined…what if—
I forcibly stopped that thought spiral and focused on getting to the door.
One foot in front of the other.
I pulled my jacket tighter around my body, willing all of them to look elsewhere. Rich had the audacity to blow me a kiss and wiggle his eyebrows suggestively when we walked by, causing my ears to burn.
A much louder voice carried across the courtyard.
“Hey Rhodes…that sucks about your face, dude. It looks like shit,” Luke conveyed with feigned concern.
“Miller, I swear to god—” Zack spat through clenched teeth.
“Yeah…I don’t really buy it, sorry. You can swear to anyone you want though, if that makes you feel better,” Luke chuckled as he continued on his way. A smile tugged at my lips as he passed me, and then he winked at me.
I was certain about that one.