Chapter Four #3
side, but our faces were still close.
“It’s not safe,” he said.
I opened my mouth, but his finger rested on my lips.
“Hush,” he whispered. “Hear me out. Please.”
I closed my mouth.
“It’s…I can’t…” He drew in a deep breath. “I can’t explain
how hard it is to be this close to him and not—”
I framed his face in my hands and whispered, “Honey.”
“The shit that I’ve made of my life—”
“We can—”
“Baby, let me get this out.”
I shut up again.
“If anybody knew about him. About you. They could hurt me.
Through you. And I don’t give a fuck about hurting, except they’d hurt you.”
“Whatever you’re into, we’ll get you out,” I said.
I mean, he was this “bad dude,” but you could just stop
being a bad dude. Other people had turned their lives around. I couldn’t
imagine it was easy, but it wasn’t like he wouldn’t have support. He’d have me.
My family. His family. Eddie and Lee.
“I’m in now—” he began.
“Okay, so—”
“And I can’t get out while she’s still in.”
She?
Who was she?
“She?”
“Aunt Shirleen.”
“Miss Shirleen?” I asked, shocked.
I couldn’t say I knew his aunt as well as I did his mom, but
she’d been around. She was funny. She gave good hugs. Though, she seemed…removed.
Like she was isolated, even when she was with people who loved her.
And I’d never quite understood, with how loving and sweet
his family was, why she always seemed so sad.
“It’s him. He got me into it. He got her into it. And he
isn’t…nice to her.”
My muscles got tight. “He isn’t nice? Who’s he?”
“Leon.”
“Your Uncle Leon?”
Leon was Shirleen’s husband. I’d met him, once.
He was all expansive smiles and grand gestures. He gave me
the creeps.
Darius nodded. “It happens less because I’m around now. But
it still happens. If I get out, it’ll happen like it used to. All the time.”
“Then both of you get out.”
“She can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Fuck,” he whispered. “I love it that you can ask that
question and it’s a genuine question, because you don’t know how deep this shit
is, how it sucks you in until you’re under and you can’t breathe anymore.”
My heart was beating so hard, he had to feel it. “Darius,
you’re scaring me.”
“Good, you’ll get it then when I say, I’m giving you
tonight. Tonight, we pretend. And after that, like I’ve been doin’, I’ll do what I can to look out for you. But this
can’t happen again. Leon doesn’t know about you, and he can’t know. No one can
know. The more people know, the more dangerous it is because he’s the kind of
guy who puts his thumbs to something you care about to make you squirm. He did
that with me to keep Shirleen in line. He’ll do it to you and Liam without
blinking.”
It was the first time he’d spoken our son’s name out loud.
“If Liam meets you, it’s not like he can tell this guy,” I
pointed out.
“Baby,” he said softly, “can’t you see? Think about it. You
don’t have him, but you know he exists, but you can’t be a real part of his
life. If I get one look, I know I’m done. I won’t be able to walk away. But
what I do, what I got myself into, you don’t get out. You don’t get out without
paying in one way or another. And the fee for that is steep. I won’t let
Shirleen pay. You pay. Our boy pay. And I can’t make it so I can’t give you two
what you need. I got no choice. I gotta stay in.”
“Forever?”
“I don’t know. And tonight, we’re pretending. We’re not
talking about that now.”
“Darius—”
This time, he put his whole hand to my mouth and said, “You
derailed your life to give our son to this world. That’s the sacrifice you
made. I fucked up. This is the sacrifice I gotta make. And you have to trust
me, Malia. I sense you know, if I could, I wouldn’t be anywhere but here. But I
can’t. You have to trust that there are reasons why. Because it is killing
me, and if you add pressure, baby, I’m gonna cave. And I know what that could
mean, and I can barely live with being apart from you two, don’t make me live
with that.”
I wrapped my fingers around his hand, pulled it away, and
said, “Okay.”
His relief was so great, he instantly buried his face in my
neck and let out a heavy breath.
I turned into him and wrapped him up in my arms.
Because I might have agreed.
And he might think we were pretending.
But I knew the truth of it, my mom had told me that truth
six years ago.
I just had to grow up and learn the way of it.
Not pressure.
Patience.
In other words the bottom line was…
I had to take care of my man.
I woke when the bed depressed at my side.
I opened my eyes to see Darius, fully clothed, sitting
beside me.
It was early dawn.
“You’re leaving,” I mumbled, not bothering to hide I wasn’t
happy about it.
He ran his knuckles down my cheekbone. “Yeah, but not before
we talk about something we should have talked about last night.”
Last night’s convo hadn’t been fun.
Luckily, after I came to terms with what I had to do, I
distracted him by kissing him, which lead to a fresh round of orgasms for both
of us. But we were in a lot less of a hurry that time, so it took longer, and
we’d broken the seal, so in the end, our climaxes were less intense, but that
didn’t mean they didn’t reach soul deep.
Or, at least, mine did. But the way Darius had looked at me
after he’d recovered from his, it was a guess, but I was thinking he felt the
same way.
I got up on a forearm and held the covers over my breasts
with the other hand.
“Do I need my teeth brushed and coffee before this talk?” I
asked.
“No, since I’m gonna tell you not to do stupid shit with
your sister again, and you’re going to nod your head and say, ‘Yes, Darius.
That was a one-time thing, baby. You don’t have to worry about me doing stupid
shit with Lena or Toni anymore.’”
Oh boy.
I could see the challenge ahead of me since it hadn’t even
been twelve hours and my patience with my man was waning.
“I think you were wrong. I need coffee. Or at least an empty
mug in hand I can throw at you.”
He grinned, wide and white, and my breath left me.
God, I forgot how drop-dead beautiful he was when he smiled.
He then leaned in and touched his mouth to mine.
When he lifted away, he wasn’t smiling anymore.
“Michael is a low-level player. He’s also ambitious. I’ll
take care of him. You can show her the pictures, but don’t do anything stupid
anymore. If Lena had looked in his windows, she might have seen him cutting
coke. And he wouldn’t have liked that. Get me?”
“Yikes,” I breathed.
“Yeah,” he agreed. “So, you get me?”
I nodded.
“You need anything?” he asked.
I thought about orgasm three, but asked back, “Like what?”
“Clothes, shoes, for you? The same or toys for the boy?
Tuition for your last year of college?”
It was my turn to smile. “I think we’re covered.”
“Mm…” he murmured, and I had a feeling I knew what that
meant.
“We’re fine, Darius.”
“Great, baby. Gotta go before he gets up.”
I really, really, really wanted to encourage him to
just stick his head in and watch Liam sleep for at least a beat. He was
adorable when he was asleep. Though, it must be said, he was pretty adorable
when he wasn’t asleep too.
But I got it. If I took one look at our boy, I wouldn’t have
been able to stay away either.
Patience.
“Okay.”
“Later,” he said.
Oh yes, there’d be a later.
I smiled.
Love you, I thought but did not say.
He saw it anyway. I knew when he dipped in to touch his
mouth to mine again.
But he was way stronger than me.
He left it at that.
And then he left me.
By the way, I was right in my earlier thoughts.
My envelope at the first of the month didn’t have five
thousand in it.
It had seven.