Chapter 3
three
. . .
It was time for us to talk.
Although I’d loved having Jason’s arm over my shoulders at the party—signaling that he was mine , just as the song he’d sung to me—I wanted to be alone with him. There were so many things we hadn’t said but I couldn’t keep putting it off.
We rarely talked when he was driving, because he always played the music loudly.
I didn’t mind. Soon, though, Jason pulled his car off Abriendo Avenue onto a side street next to a beautiful park.
We’d been here once or twice so we could kiss in private, and I’d always cherish those memories.
“Let’s walk,” he said, getting out on his side.
The air was still warm out as summer held onto its last few weeks, and I could smell the scent of cut grass, imagining they’d mowed earlier that day.
He took my hand and led me between two large trees.
At first, I thought we were headed toward the swing set, but he took me in the opposite direction and we sat on a park bench.
Even though there was a streetlamp not too far away, we were in shadows thanks to the leafy trees between the bench and the street.
The first thing he did was kiss me, and I got that jolt I always did when our tongues first touched. It was as if I was all but asleep as I went through life, but touching him woke me up.
But I had to know…we had less than a year before our lives would drastically change—and if I stayed in Colorado, could we make it work?
Did he want to make it work as much as I did?
I needed answers.
But he spoke first. “What did you think of my singing debut?”
“You were so good, Jase. Are you thinking about doing it more?”
“Nah.” His hand squeezed mine as if underscoring his words. “I just…thought I could let you and the world know how I feel about you.”
“Hmm.” I leaned my head on his shoulder—because, even though it was dark, I thought it might be easier to say these things without gazing into each other’s eyes. “I guess I’m going to have to look up those lyrics.”
“You can , Al…but don’t go reading a lot into them.”
My head popped off his shoulder because now I did want to see his face. “What? Why?”
“Because they’re not my words. David Draiman wrote ‘em, not me. They’re good…and I wanted to send a message—but so much of that song isn’t me. ”
“Then what did you want to tell me?” In the dim light, I searched his eyes for answers. Stroking his cheek, I kept his eyes facing mine. Was I just a fling?
Or did he love me too?
“I just…wanted you to know how important you are to me.”
My heart deflated…and I pulled my hands back into my lap.
I was important to him?
I could say the same thing, but I also cared about Emma and the way I looked. I cared about the grade I’d get on my English paper due next week. I cared about a lot of things—but what we had…should have been more than that.
Shouldn’t it?
“You’re important to me too, Jason. But that song said?—”
“Exactly that. I wanted you to know you mean something to me.”
“Okay, but…is that all?” I hesitated, deciding for a moment not to ask the hardest question of all. But wasn’t that why we were having this conversation now? Because I’d been afraid to ask? Letting out a slow breath, I forced the words out. “Is what we have…is it real? Or is it just real for now ?”
Jason let out a soft huff, but I couldn’t read his emotions. “You know how I feel about you, Al.”
No. I really didn’t—but I also didn’t want to fight.
It was as if he was avoiding my question—and, even though we went to a nearby ice cream shop for a sundae before he dropped me off at home, even though the way we laughed and held hands and kissed, even though all those things said everything was okay… it wasn’t.
If I’d felt insecure at the party, I was reeling when I fell into bed that night, and I let the tears hit the pillow until I finally fell asleep.
The next afternoon, I was at Emma’s house. They had a pool in the backyard, and Emma’s dad was threatening to winterize it early this year, so we planned to enjoy it while the weather was still plenty hot.
Instead of swimming, though, we lay on lounges by the pool just talking.
We were both in bathing suits. I was in a one-piece, because I felt almost nude in a bikini, which was what Emma wore.
The blue in the suit almost matched the color of her eyes—and, with her blonde hair pulled up in a high ponytail, her eyes were hard to miss.
I needed to confide in her but wasn’t sure how to say what I wanted to without sounding stupid. She and Cameron had already begun having sex at the end of last year, and she’d described to me in detail what it was like, the good, the bad, and the mind-blowing.
And, quietly, because her little brother had a habit of sneaking up on us, she told me all about last night’s adventures in oral.
Until Jason, I hadn’t become extremely aroused to the point of distraction, but kissing him often got me there.
We hadn’t gone too far and he understood I needed time, but I wasn’t going to give myself to him if I was nothing more than a fling.
The sun was warm on my legs—almost too warm—and, just as Emma was delivering the literal climax to her story, Eddie appeared on the deck with a fully loaded Super Soaker. Before we spotted him, he ran toward us yelling before he began spraying water at us.
“What the hell?” Emma said, standing—and, as he got near, she tried to push him in the pool, but he dodged. Eddie looked like a smaller male version of his sister—but he was still thin, not having gone through puberty yet.
“You guys look like you need to cool off.”
“Get out of here!”
When Eddie giggled, Emma got up and chased him toward the house. I laughed, because I often wished I’d had a little brother or sister. Even though he was a brat sometimes, he was also funny and cute, and Emma didn’t always appreciate that. But I did, even though I’d never say it out loud.
I moved to the edge of the pool and dipped my feet in. Soon, Emma sat next to me. “God, he’s such a little shit.” Looking back at the house, she pointed a finger. “At least he’ll have soccer games on the weekends soon.”
“I can help you throw him in the pool if he comes back.”
“He’s too dodgy. I don’t think—then again, with both of us, we might have a chance.” She shook her head. “Anyway, what did you guys do last night when you left? Did you tell him?”
“No. I just don’t think we’re on the same page—and if I tell him, I might scare him away for good. ”
“Aw, Al. No way. That boy loves you. He just doesn’t know it yet.”
Frowning, I made circular patterns in the water, focusing on the ripples my motions made. “What makes you say that?”
“Uh…that song dedicated to you last night, for one thing. I didn’t see the lead singer serenading his girlfriend. Doesn’t that count for anything?”
“Yeah, but did you listen to the lyrics? It feels more possessive than loving.”
“ Quit, ” Emma said, drawing out the word for emphasis. “I’m telling you he cares about you.”
“That’s what he said last night—that he cares about me.”
“So?”
“So…that doesn’t necessarily mean love.”
The way Emma shook her head while pushing her feet against the bottom of the pool to make her bounce up and down slowly could have made her seem less serious—but the tone of her voice kept my attention. “You know what my mom would say? She’d say you’re borrowing trouble .”
I’d actually heard her mother say that more than once, but it was like Emma wasn’t hearing everything I was saying. “Okay. Let’s say he does love me. But I don’t think he sees any kind of future with me. The last time I brought it up, he shut me up with a heavy make-out session.”
“Like that’s a bad thing.”
“You know what I mean.” Ordinarily, Emma didn’t frustrate me—but today was different.
Was it because she and Cameron merely lived for the moment?
She’d said that more times than I could count.
But maybe it was that she really did see something in Jason that I didn’t. “Promise you won’t say anything.”
“Do you really have to ask that now?”
Despite myself, I laughed. “Fair enough.” Still, I lowered my voice. “I applied to CU.”
“As in Boulder ? Colorado? ”
“Yeah.”
Emma knew just as well as I did what my parents’ plans for me were and they did not include a school in Colorado. I’d been hearing that since the eighth grade. “Holy shit. Did you tell your parents?”
“No. But I didn’t even tell Jason.”
“Why the hell not?” Emma was again shaking her head, seeming flabbergasted.
“I don’t want to influence any decisions he might make.”
Now Emma was laughing—and quite heartily.
“He’s already made his decisions, Al. He’s planning to play in the band from now until they make it big.
” Lowering her voice as if she might curse the future, she added, “Or fail. But I don’t think that changes how he feels about you.
I mean…what if you did get into Harvard?
Why couldn’t you guys still date? It’s not like no one’s ever done that before. ”
“Yeah, but—what would stop him from wanting to be with someone else? If I’m gone, like, three or four months at a time?—”
“ That’s why you need to talk about it, girl.
And if not, just let it go. Live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is.
” It was then that I could tell she was as frustrated with me as I was with her.
So I simply nodded my head and then swam to the deep end and back.
By the time I returned, Emma had moved to one side of the pool, reclining with her arms over the edge, letting her legs float up in the water.
When I joined her again, she asked, “So are you gonna sleep with him?”
“I really want to.”
“Did you go to Public Health like I told you?”
“Yes. I just started the pill two weeks ago.”
Emma let out a long breath. “Perfect.”