Chapter Twenty-Eight
Ididn’t head back toward the old club, my original home, because they’d failed me too. Everyone had. I could take some of the blame, of course I could, but being suspected of things I didn’t do, and judged as if I had? That’s on them.
Hell, Micro was the culprit, but today he’d acted like a real President.
He’d tried to help, but I think it was just too little too late.
That wasn’t really his fault. He had a whole club full of misfits, and his new family, meaning he had enough shit to deal with, so he didn’t need mine too.
Trouble is, I didn’t want my fucking troubles either.
V… I really thought she could be the one.
I really thought we were building something, but I guess I should have realised what was going on when she started going cold on me this morning.
Whether that fucker had turned up out of the blue, or she’d called him, the end result was the same.
She’d tried her little outing with the ‘bad boy’ and now she was going back to Mr Perfect, with his stupid sensible hair, and that fucking smarmy ass face.
The way he smirked at me when I walked in on them.
Everything I hadn’t overheard was right there on his face.
She was taking him back, and I was once again left alone, because nobody fucking wanted me.
Except Nixie, but then she really didn’t get a choice, did she?
I’d stopped at a little cheap hotel, booking a ‘pet friendly’ room, although I bet I could have just hidden Nixie, what with her being so tiny.
I felt naked without my fucking cut. Cold, even, like a leather jacket wasn’t enough without that laying over the top of it.
It was my fucking identity, but maybe that was my problem.
I was putting too much of other people into my view of myself as a person.
I didn’t need to lean on others, because I was skilled, independent, and courageous. Right? Yeah, right.
I settled Nixie in on the bed, and unpacked the lukewarm burger I’d grabbed when we arrived.
Dinner out of a bag, because maybe that was all I could hope for from this life.
Would anyone ever choose me? Or would they all just keep getting forced to exist around me, like I was just a fucking inanimate object for them to avoid.
“This thing tastes like shit,” I cursed, as I tossed half the burger back in the bag and focused on the fries instead. They were stone cold, but just about edible at least.
“Least you’ve got your milk stuff, and those…
that soft stuff that… that… yeah, you’ll be okay.
We’ll be okay. Stick with me and…” I frowned at myself, because holding a one sided conversation with a puppy was too fucking easy.
Was that the first sign of madness? Or was that me trusting people? Who the fuck knows.
“We’ll be okay, Nixie,” I asserted, trying to sound like I believed the bullshit I was spouting. What the fuck was okay anyway?
I glanced at my phone, at the increasing level of missed calls and messages from multiple people, including V. Micro, other club brothers, even fucking Grease, but when I clicked on his, I snorted. It was a picture of his middle finger, and this.
Grease: Always knew you were a fucking pussy. Just nowhere near as pretty.
Yeah, that was token Grease. There were messages from others too. People who could pretend they cared all they wanted, but where were they when I’d needed them? Why did it take me leaving for them to give a shit?
Reacher: Answer the phone, son. We’re all here for you.
Yeah, now that I’ve ‘flown the coop’ suddenly they’re there for me.
Has-Been: Brother, ignore the others all you want, but talk to me. You’ve always been there for me, let me do the same in return. Please.
Yeah, I’d miss that fucker. He’d always been genuine with me.
Always had my back. Of course he was the one they all wanted tattooing their old ladies, like my work was shit, or I was a fucking perv, and that wasn’t his fault, but it’d caused a little spat here and there.
He had enough shit on his shoulders right now though, so he didn’t need mine too.
Stag: If it’s the bitch, we can just keep her away. Don’t run, brother. I’ve got beers.
Ha. Borderline woman hating, but he’s got beers. That’ll fix everything.
Henley: I have zero idea what’s going on, man. I was there, but I didn’t know what was happening. They just told me you left for good? What happened? Want me to meet you somewhere? Do you have money or somewhere to stay? Call me.
Now he was a class act. Caring, considerate, way too good to be a brother of mine.
Hell, I wasn’t any use to anyone, was I?
My parents had made that clear when I was nine and they offloaded me on my uncle, because I was a handful.
Guess what, assholes, you put more time and effort into partying than raising a kid, and that’s what happens.
I never thought I’d be proving them right, but here we are. I swallowed hard, switching the phone off, and removing the battery. It had one of those fucking electronic sim things, but if the phone was off, disposed of, and I didn’t link a new one to it, that was as good as incognito, right?
I bounced the phone off the hard tiled floor in the bathroom a few times, and stomped on it for good measure.
It sure as hell wasn’t salvageable by the time I was finished with it.
That was a little shock to my system, because that was me drawing a line.
Burning a bridge. Severing all fucking ties.
No more Phoenix, no more club, no more V. No more any of them.
“Just you and me, kid,” I murmured to Nixie as I crouched beside her, and tugged the discarded burger packet from her teeth, “nope. That’s not for you. Only the good stuff for you.”
She was all I had left, and I’d do everything in my fucking power to make sure she was safe, and happy, and fucking healthy. You know why? That’s what a good fucking dog parent does.
V
Icurled up in Rocket’s bed, staring at the wall, and wondering how the hell I messed things up so badly for him.
I didn’t care how awful I was feeling right now.
As far as I could tell, I deserved the misery.
He’d done nothing but be kind, be sweet, be supportive.
He’d reached out to me for friendship, matched my sass word for word, and given me so much, and what did I give him in return?
Rejection, uncertainty, and what he thought was nothing more than rebound sex.
It was more. It was so much more. It wasn’t just sex.
You don’t feel like that when it’s just sex.
It was more, and I couldn’t even tell him.
I’d sent him text after text. I’d tried phoning him more than twenty times, but every time, I just received an automated messaging service.
It was like he was just gone from the world. No longer existing?
Oh god. I sat up with a gasp. Please tell me he didn’t do something stupid to himself. Please tell me I wasn’t the last straw. This world was no good without him in it, why the hell couldn’t he see that?
Someone tapped on the door. Not knocking, not the pounding of fists I’d grown accustomed to. A knock. Before I could answer, the door popped open and an unexpected face peeped in. And by peeped, I mean they held a hand over their eyes as they leaned in.
“V? Okay if I come in?”
I waved him in, adding my voice since he couldn’t see me, and he disappeared for a moment, reappearing with two mugs of coffee in his hands.
He offered me a sad smile, as he hovered by the side of the bed that Rocket normally slept in.
The side I was still avoiding, because in my mind, in my heart, it was his.
He offered me one of the mugs, and I took it gratefully, wrapping my hands around it, even though it was far too hot for that to be comfortable.
I deserved the pain too. For every second of it I’d caused Rocket.
“Has-Been, uh you’re here…”
He nodded briefly, his blue eyes smiling with his lips. I could see how his boyish features would appeal to some. Not me though. I liked my man rugged and sassy.
“I just wanted to check on you. Micro said you’ve been hanging in here since Rocket left.”
He grimaced when he said Micro’s name, but just a little, almost like he didn’t fully like the man, but mostly respected him. Whatever, that was his deal, not mine.
“I appreciate that, but I don’t deserve anyone’s concern.
I fucked up Rocket’s life, and I can’t even…
even apologise!” I practically wailed that last word, as tears burned their way out of my eyes at last. I’d been holding back ever since I got here, but kindness, that’s what always breaks a person.
Or me. Apparently I break them too though.
All I had to do was be fucking open with him, but I couldn’t even do that.
“Aw love, don’t go beating up on yourself. Rocket’s been hurting for a long while, and even though he thinks he hid it, more of us noticed than he realises. Uh, can I?”
He gestured to the spot beside me, Rocket’s place, and I hesitated, something he caught instantly.
“No, I get it. Let me come around to your side. You need a hug right now, and I can offer that.” Before I could stop him, he’d dumped his and my coffee on the small bedside table, and sat beside me, drawing me into his arms as I sobbed.
The smell of his leather cut immediately reminded me of Rocket, of what I’d lost, and I couldn’t hold any of the pain back anymore.
Has-Been rubbed my back gently, murmuring things I couldn’t fully hear, but the low buzz of his voice was soothing in its own way.
I finally caught the sound of another voice, a woman, and lifted my head to see a beautiful young blonde woman sitting beside Has-Been, holding out tissues for me.
“Uh… hi…” I croaked out as I tried to mop my face without any disgusting sounds, knowing I probably looked like a hot mess either way.
“I’m Elise,” she said softly, passing me more tissues.
“She’s my old lady, love. We both wanted to make sure you’re okay.
You know you’re not to blame for Rocket’s decisions, right?
That’s him. He’s… he’s a great fucking guy, but he makes snap decisions, and sees betrayal everywhere.
One day, get him to tell you about his parents, and his upbringing. It’ll shed some light on stuff for ya.”
“Bit difficult to do that when he’s not fucking here,” I hissed, immediately shaking my head at myself.
“Sorry,” I gasped, seeing even more how the problem is me, it’s always me. It always had been, and maybe always would.
“It’s okay to be upset, V… is that what everyone calls you?” Elise asked uncertainly, and I nodded, before she continued. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, I really can’t.”
“I can,” Has-Been murmured fiercely, tucking her under his arm and kissing her temple. Wow. I wanted that. I wanted it, and I fucking had it, but I wasted it. I squandered it. I let it slip through my fingers, and I broke a man in the process.
“All I said was that we were moving too fast,” I whispered, shoving aside all the tissues, and grabbing my coffee again. Has-Been followed suit, passing it to Elise to sip from, before she passed it back to him.
“It’s okay to feel that way. You just came out of a serious relationship too, right?”
I shrugged. “So I married a complete cunt… oh my god! I don’t say that word, I never say it.
Rocket… he… he says it,” I admitted brokenly, “and I’d give anything to chew him out for saying it in front of me right now.
The truth is I was scared I was using him.
That I was rebounding all over his… him.
” They both bit back smiles and gestured at me to keep going.
Oh, they wanted it all, and they’d probably regret it, but maybe hearing it out loud again would help me understand why I let it happen.
“My ex was messaging the hell out of me today, and I was ignoring him. Told him to get fucked. You know the kinda thing. Anyway, he turned up at my work, badgered me in person, I came back with some sarcastic shit, and Rocket happened to walk in. He assumed I was seriously considering going back to Ted, and he left. I never got a chance to tell him he was being an idiot. I never wanted anyone else. It’s him. Of course it’s him!”
Has-Been tugged his phone from his pocket and read something on it, deflating a little.
“Ice and Grease are trying to track him down, but his phone’s gone dark. He’s off the grid.”
Shit. Not only out of reach, but choosing to stay that way. Maybe forever.
“What if I’m having his baby?” I murmured without thought, and both jaws dropped. There was no way to take those words back now.