Chapter Twenty-Nine
The next few days were weird as fuck. I woke up, got dressed, checked on Nixie, and reached for my cut.
Every single fucking day. It was part of me.
Part of my routine. Get dressed, don the colours.
The only thing I missed more than that missing fucking body part was her.
V. She got right under my skin, and burned away everything in me that could love a woman.
Why did I always pick the ones who didn’t give a shit about me?
I had a little cash to live on for about a week or so, and then I’d have to get to a bank to access my meagre savings, or find a job. Anything would do, right? As long as I could keep Nixie somewhere safe.
I’d been without a phone this whole time because I stupidly brought my burner phone, and no fucking charger.
That’s what you get for running out on your life in a hurry, right?
I finally found one at a little cheap shop, and plugged it back in when I got back to the room.
I’d booked the same one for a few nights, while I tried to get my head on straight again, but in the morning we’d hit the road again, heading up north to one of the larger cities.
More people, more businesses, more opportunity, I hope.
“Why don’t we take a little stroll, Nixie? Gotta wait for that fucker to charge up, it’s so dead.”
Nixie climbed into my lap and curled up instead.
She was quiet, almost like she wasn’t herself.
It scared me that there might be something wrong, so I figured I’d find the nearest vet when the phone was charged, and get her checked out.
She was well wrapped in her blankets on the journey, but what if she got ill from that? I couldn’t fucking fail her too.
V would know. She’d know exactly what to do. She just wasn’t a fucking option anymore.
“We’ll find someone to help you, little one. It’s okay.” I watched her as she idly chewed on the corner of my shirt, her huge dark eyes on me.
“I know this is weird, Nixie. We were a family, weren’t we?
I thought we had it all, but I was wrong.
Is… is that why you’re so quiet? Are you sad?
Are you missing her too? Fuck me. All I do is ruin people’s lives.
I swear…” I swallowed the rest of my words.
What were they? That if I didn’t have her to worry about, I might just give up?
Hell, I hadn’t felt like this in a fucking decade or more.
The guys thought that scar on my wrist was from a fight, but it wasn’t.
I’d had dark times. I’d had times when there was no hope.
None at all. Pretty much like now. Nixie was the single flame still keeping me tethered to this world, but if I lost her, I’d definitely get it right this time.
None of my former club brothers knew. You don’t tell people you were that weak.
You don’t give them shit to use against you, or throw back at you in aggressive moments.
That fucker Grease would have, for sure.
I’d had some counselling after the third attempt, and sure, it made sense.
I wasn’t weak, I was just dealing with stuff too big to manage alone.
Everything they said made sense. Until it didn’t again.
I should have left Nixie with someone who could love her and keep her safe.
Caroline, maybe. She’d have taken care of her.
She’d have loved her, and protected her.
She’d have been able to call on V for help if Nixie got sick.
Instead, I’d dragged the poor little thing here with me, and she had nobody.
If I failed at finding a job, she’d starve.
What the hell was I doing? I fell back on the mattress, keeping one hand on her little head as she chewed my shirt with more tiny ferocity.
What did I do wrong in another life to curse me with this one?
I’d cursed the pup too, because unless I headed back home to leave her with someone she knew, someone who’d love her long after I was gone, she was stuck suffering with me.
I swallowed hard against the burning lump in my throat that told me my weakness was about to drown me.
I reached out and grabbed the burner phone, holding the button to switch it on.
Finally, enough power. I felt lost without one, because I used my phone for everything.
Obviously there were no messages or calls, because nobody know it existed, but I hooked it up to the hotel Wi-Fi, sitting up against the headboard now, letting Nixie chew the other edge of my shirt. She was my priority now, and keeping my focus on her would keep me going.
I checked for the nearest vet, and flagged it, then pondered what jobs to look for. Hell, first I should check what’s left in my account, so I can plan where I’m staying. Here, or a fucking street corner.
I logged into my banking app, and frowned. That couldn’t be right. In my current account, there was a new transfer for ￡2,000, and it was from some company I didn’t recognise. Glamping Freedom what? What the fuck was glamping? Clearly it was a mistake.
I tapped on the transfer for more details and the reference code made my jaw drop.
4Rocket – call me.
Jesus. It had to be from someone at the club, but who?
Who the fuck had money to throw away like that?
And what the hell WAS glamping? I looked up the company, and flicked through their ‘about us’ details until a picture of the business owner made me freeze.
The fuck? That was Henley. Henley sent me money.
Henley, a man I’d know a few months at most. Henley, a man who clearly gave a shit if I lived or died.
I couldn’t take the money. I shouldn’t. But if I did, I could pay him back when I had a job.
The message said to call him, but didn’t give a number, but there was one on his business page. Maybe I could call that.
He really sent me money? We’d clicked, sure, but enough that he was funding my little escape like this?
That burning lump in my throat was back, and I swallowed hard.
Not fucking crying over a kind gesture. Nope.
Not crying over everything I lost either.
My eyes burned, and I grabbed the spare pillow, pressing it over my face. Definitely not fucking crying.
The phone rang maybe four times before a woman answered.
“Glamping Freedom, how can I help you?”
Ah shit. Was he called Henley there? How the hell didn’t I look up his real name on that site right before I cried like a little pussy.
“Oh uh… I was looking for the boss. He uh… said to call.”
She hesitated, and I almost hung up the phone, because this was dumb. I was reaching out when I should be staying the hell away, not using his money, and finding a way to get it back to him later.
“This is going to sound weird, but is your name Rocket?” Shit. I practically choked on my next breath. He told them I might call?
“Uh yeah. I don’t know… I only know him through the uh…”
She laughed, a carefree sound that made me wish I felt that way. Like the world wasn’t fucking crushing me day by day.
“It’s okay, I get it. He said to put you through to him anytime you called, so I’m going to do that now. I… I’m glad you called. He’s mentioned you about a dozen times already, so clearly you’re good friends.”
Were we? I mean, had I ever sent money to a friend like that? I’d never really had the means, but I guess I would have. For a club brother definitely. And that begged the question that hadn’t even permeated before. How the fuck did he even have my bank details?
There was a brief silence on the other end of the phone, then he was there.
“Rocket? Tell me that’s you. Are you okay? You’re safe?”
“Kinda waiting for you to take a breath,” I tried to joke, because I was out of my depth with letting feelings out around people. Look what happened when I tried, right?
Henley chuckled, but I almost heard some of the tension leave his voice at the same time.
“Jesus, man. You’ve got everyone worried sick.”
I sincerely doubted that, so I ignored his point.
“Thanks. For the cash, I mean. I’ll pay you back, you know, as soon as I’ve got a new job. I’m uh…” I glanced at the dingy hotel room, “I’m working on that.”
“Screw that. I just didn’t want you out on the streets. Thing is, you have a home back here. You have a bed. Somewhere to live. People who care. V-”
“Don’t. I can’t, man.” I couldn’t hear him talking about her right now. It was all too raw, too recent, although I had a feeling this would be the case a week from now, a month, a year, fucking forever. She was the one, I was sure of it. Pity I wasn’t her one, right?
“Where are you? I could meet up with you, get a beer or something. I’m a good listener, man.”
He laughed then. “I’m talking at you like this and saying I listen. I swear I do, though. You’re just not speaking, and I’m really worried you’ll suddenly hang up and just be gone again.”
I swallowed again, that fucking recurring lump in my throat becoming a real pain in my ass.
“I’m not hanging up, but I can’t come back either. Everywhere I go, I make the same mistakes. I trust. I tell myself not to, and I still fucking do. I never learn.”
He didn’t speak right away, and hell, maybe he thought I’d say more, but I didn’t have anything more to say.
“Brother. She-”
“No. Please. I get it. I’m sure she feels bad, but this isn’t on her.
It’s on me. I made the mistakes. I fell when she didn’t.
I fucking create these messes for myself, and I have nobody to blame.
Just me. I…” I glanced at Nixie, fast asleep in my lap.
“I’m thankful for the money though. I was worried about Nixie, but vets are expensive, and I… yeah. Thanks.”
“Is she okay?”
I stroked her ear and it twitched softly against my skin.
“Probably. I think she’s sad. I mean, she lost everything too, right?”