Chapter 14
MATTY
Being in Elias’ room at this time of night is strange. Even more strange is hearing the shower run, the one attached to his room not the one down the hall.
There was an open invitation for me to join him, but I have a smidgen of self preservation remaining.
Elias makes me feel safe, almost too safe, and the boundaries we both put in place are too easy to smear.
Though, I guess now those boundaries are a little up in the air.
For Miya’s benefit, we’re going to give into our need to be close to one another. Kissing, touching, cuddling, around her we can be as sweet on each other as we want. What we haven’t talked about is if that gives us permission to do more when no one is looking.
Inviting me into the shower sure sounds like permission.
Goddamn horny brain needs to take a break.
I end up inspecting my bruises in Elias’ dresser mirror. My chest looks like it went a round as the target in a batting cage, and I can still feel the ghost of Elias’ lips marking me.
Here’s the thing about getting your heart broken: It lingers in the back of your mind like a sour aftertaste. No matter how good and sweet something is, the moment it’s no longer at the forefront, that pain seeps back in and takes over.
Guilt crawls over me as memories flash like lightning strikes.
Riley and me in the living room. Sitting in his lap while he braids my hair and nips at my shoulder.
Him placing me on the counter while he makes breakfast, keeping one hand on my thigh because having me close was calming to him.
Us laughing as he carries me to the bedroom to make love to me.
It hurts so goddamn much.
Dancing on the ice that Riley warned me was too fragile. The ground falling away beneath me. Waking up in the hospital and wanting nothing more than for Riley to hold me and comfort me because my world as I knew it had just been turned on its head.
But he’d held back. Because we were a secret. We were madly in love behind closed doors, within the confines of our apartment, but anywhere else, we were just roommates. No matter the circumstances, he only let himself get so close when others could see.
After the slew of doctors and tests and finding out that most of my hearing wasn’t going to come back, it killed me.
I needed him. All of him. Because I had already lost so much of myself.
We tried and we failed so many times. Each time felt like another piece of me being chipped away.
I left for my own sanity. Because we weren’t getting better. Riley wasn’t ready, and it broke my heart even more that I couldn’t wait.
“I’m going to have to propose to you one day, aren’t I?” I’d asked while lying across the couch stuffing chocolate chips in my face. It had been a joke, but also an admission of fear.
Riley’s brows met in the middle, and he paused the replay of his last hockey match on his laptop to look over at me.
“Whatcha talkin’ ‘bout, squirt?”
Yeah, yeah. I’m short, and he’s a freaking athletic giant.
“One day, when you’re retired, and I’m having to take care of your whiny ass who won’t know what to do with himself, I’m going to make you marry me.”
I hadn’t missed the anxiety that pinched his face, but there was also the softest adoration.
“I love you, sweetheart.”
My brain muddles up Riley’s and Elias’ voices. The way they both call me sweetheart. My chest twinges, and I press my thumb hard into a hickey at my collarbone.
I’m going to fall in love with him. There’s no doubt in my mind that as soon as I stop fighting, those feelings will rush in like river rapids. I won’t stand a chance.
“Matty?”
I close my eyes tight, a flood of longing sweeping in simply over how he says my name. Tears trickle down my cheeks faster than I can catch them, and between one breath and the next, Elias is there with his arms around me.
His body is hot to the touch from his shower, and the dampness of his skin clings to my back.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he whispers into my ear as he lays his cheek on my shoulder.
I don’t. I really fucking don’t, but that doesn’t stop the words from clogging my airway until I vomit them out.
“Riley was the first person to accept me.” The words burn my throat, but they keep coming. “He was the first one to love me. To make me feel like I was worth loving. He saw me through my transition. He was my best fucking friend.”
The tears come in a steady stream, and I don’t bother with wiping them away. Instead, I cross my arms over top of Lee’s and use us both to hold myself together.
“I survived losing him as a lover,” I say in a hoarse whisper. “But I haven’t been able to get over losing him as a friend.”
Lee’s lips brush over my neck, and I turn in his arms, ducking my head so our mouths are millimeters apart.
“I don’t want to have to choose again.”
Elias’ big warm hands cradle my cheeks, his lips placing soft kisses over the bridge of my nose, my cheekbones, my chin, everywhere they can reach.
“Nothing in this world will ever stop me from being your friend.”
“You can’t know that.”
Those dimples pop as a smile blooms across his cheeks. “I promise you, Matty Nichols, that even if we fall in love and crash and burn, I will never be more than a phone call away. You will always have me and Cal—and probably Miya—to lean on.”
One more kiss, this time to my parted lips. “Maybe your ex would even agree.”
I yank myself back, but his arms keep me from going too far. Kind, patient eyes stare into mine.
I remember the diner several months ago, sitting across from Riley for the first time in years. I smiled. Spoke with a confidence I didn’t feel, all because I wanted Riley to be happy, to stop feeling bad and blaming himself.
The way we fell apart was no one’s fault. He deserved to move on. I deserve to move on.
But fear is a fucking bitch.
“You’re not as over him as you think.”
I clench my jaw so hard it makes my head hurt, and there Elias is again, kissing my temple, drawing my face to his chest.
“I don’t mean that you’re still in love with him,” he says in a quiet, placating manner. “More that you miss him.”
Of course I miss him.
I miss him even more when I remember that communication is a two way street. He never reached out to me, and I never reached out to him. Shit just hung in the air suffocating us both.
He’s the one who finally wanted to make peace. Who wanted closure on our ending so he could move on with the man he’d fallen in love with. The man he came out for.
I had smiled like all was right with my world, when in reality everything had gone to shit, and I didn’t know how to tell him I missed him. That I wanted to be friends again.
“Are you into sports?” I ask, suddenly wanting someone to commiserate with.
Elias lifts a brow and pinches the tip of my nose. “That’s a subject change.”
I shake my head, the tiniest laugh tickling my throat as he spreads his fingers to pinch my cheeks together. “It’s really not, I promise.”
He drops his hand and pulls me close by the hips, sighing softly into my hair. “I couldn’t tell you a damn thing about any sport known to man.”
The tickle grows stronger, and I bury my face in his throat, soaking in the scent of his body wash. “I’m going to have fun with this.”
Who am I kidding? I was a goner for this man the moment we met. As soon as he signed my name, I knew that my heart was off to the races.
I should just accept that this is going to hurt.
“That man is twice your size and scary as hell!”
Elias and I decided to get comfy on his bed, both dressed in only a pair of sweats with my laptop half on my lap and half on his, going through backlog game footage on The Hornets’ website.
“He is a puppy dog,” I reply with a snort. “He retired at the end of last season—sport’s injury—but if you’ll take a look here.” I pull up a rather grizzly fight where the Hornets’ goalie throws down his gloves and absolutely pummels another player. “That is Riley’s current boyfriend, Griffin.”
I’m insanely fucking happy for the two of them, even if a kernel of want pops around like a firecracker in my chest.
“You’re telling me the love of your life was a freaking monster on ice?” His eyes are almost as wide as his grin, and he rubs dramatically at his chest. “How am I gonna live up to that?”
I roll my eyes hard and knock my shoulder on his. “Not the love of my life, troublemaker.”
He shrugs and pushes back. “It’s really hard to imagine you and him together.”
My lip is raw and sore from how much I’ve been digging into it, but I bite down a little harder as I grab my phone and start scrolling through my camera roll.
“I can do you one better.”
Call it masochistic tendencies, but I haven’t deleted a thing. Every single picture and video I ever recorded of Riley and I is saved in a special folder with a bold DO NOT OPEN label. It’s been a long ass time since I ventured to disobey my past self, but what am I about to do?
Open the damn folder.
It’s like a time capsule of heartache.
I often took photos of Riley doing the most mundane things: cooking, stretching, analyzing plays on the couch with barbecue potato chip crumbs in his beard. Selfies of the two of us could be found every so often, usually with Riley doing something to make me laugh at the last second.
There’s one that brings tears to my eyes, and I blink them away before Lee can spot them.
It’s Riley and me in bed. My hair is a mess, cheeks are flushed, eyes closed, and Riley is beside me with the warmest smile, humoring me with his lips pressed to my hair. We undoubtedly had just finished fooling around, because he was always most relaxed after and more likely to goof off with me.
Shit. That right there is what I miss.
I feel Lee’s presence looking over my shoulder, and I don’t try to hide even if that’s exactly what my mind is screaming to do. He wraps an arm around my shoulders, places a kiss to the side of my neck, and the softness between us has the tears stinging my eyes again.