Chapter Thirty-Three
The next week and a half is weird. I guess I shouldn’t have expected things to change drastically with the color guard just because we got pizza together one time after school, but I was hoping that might be the beginning of us spending more time together.
Instead, everyone gets increasingly standoffish as the days pass.
When I suggest hanging out together, they already have plans, even Li who always seemed excited to spend time together.
They were probably more upset about me secretly dating Max than they let on at the dinner.
We don’t even have D&D on Sunday because Nova and Felix both text that they had other stuff come up.
Part of me is grateful to be able to avoid Max for another week, but every day I also get a little lonelier.
There’s no denying that I still miss him.
I want to talk about our upcoming state competition, and get back to painting those miniatures, and maybe play another Settlers of Catan game so we can finally answer the question of who the best player is.
But I don’t know how to move forward with Max.
Finding out he’d kept things from me brought back every insecurity and trust issue I’d ever had with him.
And hearing the way he casually dismissed me in front of the percussion didn’t help.
Even if I could get past everything else, I don’t think I’m strong enough to be his secret anymore, or the girlfriend all his friends despise.
I want to be with someone who’s proud to be with me.
“Feeling okay?” Nova asks, her expression concerned. We’re standing together in the band room Thursday afternoon, and I may or may not have zoned out in the middle of our conversation.
The band awards are today and I’m a nervous wreck.
Everyone is anxiously waiting for Sire to begin.
Even Faith is standing at the front of the room with the other assistant directors.
For how much we all care about these awards, it’s not a very fancy ceremony.
At the end of the school year, close to graduation, there’s a more formal award ceremony for everyone in the music department, but these awards are handed out with little fanfare.
I shake myself and turn to her. “Yeah, I’m fine. Mildly nauseous, want to fast-forward time until tomorrow, you know, the usual.”
It doesn’t matter, I repeat to myself for the two hundredth time today.
The award doesn’t come with any prizes or money or fame, except the fact that your name gets added in tiny font to a huge plaque at the back of the room and you get your own plaque to take home.
I let my eyes linger on the list of names as we file in from the outdoor rehearsal.
Two days from now, no one will care about that Most Valuable Senior plaque…
but if I went up to it right now and looked back enough years, I’d find my mom’s name. I know she’ll care.
Nova chuckles and nods sympathetically. “It’ll be over soon.”
“Everything is going to be over soon.”
Our last big rehearsal is tomorrow—along with a celebration to hype us up for state—then the competition is Saturday and then…
that’s it. Our football team didn’t make it to the playoffs, so football games are done for the year.
There will be a few local parades to march in, usually a holiday parade in early December and then a Memorial Day parade next May, but our band isn’t taking any big trips this year like some do.
No Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade or Disney World for us.
Suddenly it hits me, how fast the last few months have gone by and how one of my favorite things in the world is about to be done forever.
I’m finally understanding what Mom’s been repeating to me for so long.
I’m embarrassed that tears well up in my eyes. I blink them away and hope Nova doesn’t notice, but she’s my closest friend, so she knows immediately. She reaches out and squeezes my hand.
“No matter what, everything will be okay. We’re going to kill it at state.”
More people come into the band room. I recognize a few parents, but since this isn’t a formal ceremony, and it’s in the middle of the workday, hardly any adults are here.
Usually it’s just a handful of extremely involved ones—the people who chaperone the band buses and oversee the concessions and run the band boosters group to raise money for our programs.
In other words, people like my mom and dad.
“My parents weren’t able to get off work,” Nova says, but she doesn’t seem upset. They’re rarely able to come to things like this. “I assume yours will be here, though?”
I give her a small knowing nod. Honestly, it would be a relief to have Mom and Dad skip today.
That way I could focus on myself instead of having to process their emotions about the award alongside my own in real time.
But that won’t be happening. I can’t think of a single band event they’ve ever missed.
I’m surprised and happy to see Max’s mom, Melanie, walk in and stand on the far side of the room with two other adults.
I didn’t think she’d be able to make it.
I take a risk and glance in Max’s direction.
His whole face brightens when he sees her.
I’m really glad she was able to come, although I’m reminded of what Addison said last week about Max speaking tersely with Sire.
Did that get resolved? I want to know, but I’m not sure how to ask him without having a very awkward conversation.
After another minute, Dad walks in, scans the room, and gives me a huge wave.
He’s so goofy. Nova and I separate so we can go sit with our sections.
The room is unusually quiet. Li smiles at me when I sit down, but she doesn’t say anything.
She looks almost as nervous as I’m feeling.
Maybe all that talk during our last D&D game about us voting for her backfired.
I hope today doesn’t ruin her feelings about band if she doesn’t win.
The minutes tick by so slowly that I could swear someone has messed with the analog clock in the front of the room.
A few more people drift in, but Mom hasn’t shown up yet.
She’s probably out buying an enormous bouquet to present me with if I actually win this thing.
Or she’s going to walk in wearing that horrible shirt with my face plastered on it.
I should have made her swear she wouldn’t wear it today.
Sire chats with the parents, then makes his way to the front of the room. The whole band grows quiet without him needing to say anything.
“Good afternoon!” he says even though he’s already been with us for rehearsals earlier today. “First, I’d like to welcome everyone who was able to make it today. Without your support, we wouldn’t be able to continue the amazing work we do, so thank you very much.”
My eyes skim the small cluster of parents in case I missed Mom’s arrival, but no. She’s definitely not here.
“As you all know, before we travel for our state competition, we want to take some time to celebrate all of you, especially those who have put in the work to get us to where we are right now. So, if I could have all the section leaders stand so we can celebrate you?”
Feeling self-conscious, I stand and look around the room at the others.
My heart swells seeing us all. Many of us have been in band together since fifth grade, and I almost want to run around and give everyone hugs.
Well, almost everyone. I catch Nova’s eye, feeling especially lucky to be here with her.
“And now, without further ado, I’ll announce the awards.
Thank you to everyone who voted. Please know that it is always an extremely hard decision and each of you is to be commended for your hard work this season.
” He clears his throat, and I glance again at the door.
Surely, Mom will walk in any second now.
“I am very excited to announce that the Most Valuable Freshman award is going to Li Xiang.”
I’m so caught up thinking about Mom that it takes me a second to understand what’s happening. Li stands and screams, and then I do the same.
“You did it, you did it!”
Around me, the rest of the color guard is out of their chairs, clapping and cheering. Nova, Max, and Felix are standing as well, and even a few percussion players, including Niko. Li heads up to the front to receive her plaque and take photos with Sire.
I give her a hug as she walks back to her seat and we all get settled for the next award, which goes to a sophomore trumpet player.
I try to listen and smile and clap like a sane person, but inside, my nerves are twisting more tightly.
The senior award is almost here, but my mom isn’t. Did something happen to her?
The junior award goes to a tuba player who starts crying when his name is announced.
I look over at Dad. Could Mom have gotten into a car accident?
Is Kelsey sick and she had to run to her school instead?
Dad isn’t paying attention to the awards.
His head is bowed, and he’s typing rapidly into his phone.
I watch him, trying to decipher what’s going on. After a moment, his shoulders sag.
He looks up at me, his face drawn. He gives me the smallest shake of the head, and I understand what he’s telling me. She’s not in an emergency situation. She’s not in danger. But she’s also not coming.
I sit back against the chair. There’s a roaring in my ears that makes it hard to hear the rest of the band.
She’s not here for the awards ceremony. She’s not going to see me win or lose.
I…should be happy. This is what I wanted, right?
One of the things I was most worried about was the look on her face when she realized I’d lost, and now I don’t have to see that.
But instead of feeling relieved, I’m surprised to feel heat pricking behind my eyes.