Romp!

Chapter 41

In the days after the showcase, Noah always felt a bit flat.

There was something about the build-up, the anxiety, the second-guessing, that moment of wondering if maybe what you’ve created is actually amazing, and then, it was over.

The rest of the group came in, experiencing two weeks of almost relentless work in just under half an hour, and that was it. The next day it was time to dismantle.

These past few days had felt particularly deflating.

The final challenge had started, and with it the final fortnight of their time at the manor.

On top of all that Noah felt woefully under-experienced in the subject matter: sex.

He’d had sex, but not the sort that people made art about.

It was the teenage sort, fumbling and mortifying in equal measure.

His dalliance with Opal had only cemented his fear that that was all he was capable of. And then there was that one thought that had lodged in his mind afterwards, the one that made him worry this was all some sort of perverted expression of his missing his mum …

Noah was moping around his lab, and swirling around the same old thoughts when there was a soft knock at the door.

He worried it might be Opal. After that night she had stopped calling in on him, but it still felt like there was much left unsaid.

For his part he was happy for it to remain that way, but as long as he was a guest in her house, he supposed he was also at the mercy of her whims.

But it wasn’t Opal at the door, it was Adam.

Noah was surprised. For weeks he and Adam had grown closer, but after the party that had stopped abruptly.

Adam had sat quietly while Johan had revealed Noah’s little deception.

Noah reasoned that perhaps Adam was angry at having been lied to.

It made sense. Noah didn’t think he’d ever met anyone so transparent.

He wasn’t an oversharer by any means, rather Adam was so comfortable in his skin that, unlike Noah, he seemed utterly uninterested in pretence of any kind.

‘Hello, Noah, may I come in?’ Adam was also exceedingly polite. On other people Noah might have found his ‘properness’ pompous, but on Adam it was charming.

‘Course, I’m just messing around.’ Noah suddenly felt self-conscious, and he racked his brains for what he could do next to look more convincingly ‘busy’.

Adam too seemed at a loss. He looked around for somewhere to sit, and settled on a rickety painter’s stool.

‘I wanted to speak to you; I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.

Doing this second brief it was hard not to concentrate on everything I’ve lost, but then after the dance, I realised there was so much beauty in love expressed …

’ Adam looked down, suddenly shy ‘… even if it’s for something, or someone, that you know can never be yours again, or maybe was never yours in the first place …

’ Adam seemed to lose his train of thought.

It was disconcerting to witness him stumble over his words.

Noah had his back to Adam, and it was only the rattle of the test tubes in his hands that made him notice his own hands were shaking.

‘I saw you the night of the party, outside with Opal.’

Noah froze. It was as though his body was a few steps ahead of his mind. It understood, before he did, that Adam shouldn’t have seen that, that deep down Noah didn’t want Adam to have seen that.

Noah spun around, and Adam must have seen the panic in his eyes. ‘Don’t worry, Noah, I haven’t said anything to anyone. Your secret is safe.’

Noah tried to respond, but the words jammed in his throat.

‘What I’m trying to say is that I have been unfair to you since then. Punishing you really for something that’s not your fault. And I wanted to explain that it’s only because … I was hurt, and, well, jealous.’

Noah was confused. Adam was jealous of him? Noah couldn’t have imagined that Adam had designs on Opal … which must mean …

‘Oh,’ was all Noah could think to say. His heart was beating and his mouth was dry. Suddenly he felt like he couldn’t draw in breath fast enough, and his vision started to blur. As he crumpled to the floor, he saw Adam rush over, and huddle over him.

‘Noah, fuck, Noah, are you OK?’

Noah didn’t feel OK at all. He felt like his world was caving in, because what did it mean that the thought of Adam wanting him made Noah feel dizzy? It was hard to tell at first, because of the panic attack, but when that subsided, Noah realised that the overwhelming feeling that remained was joy.

They were hunched over at the base of the work station, and after Noah’s breathing had slowed, Adam made to pull his arm away. Noah stopped him by grabbing onto his hand and then before he changed his mind, Noah seized onto the millisecond of confusion from Adam and lunged for a kiss.

Adam pulled back, and Noah felt his stomach drop.

He’d misjudged, catastrophically. He searched Adam’s eyes for answers to questions that were too numerous to air.

Noah wasn’t sure exactly what he was looking for, but he knew that if he stared into those dark deep pools long enough, everything would eventually make sense.

It was Adam who smiled first, and then it was Noah. They collided, and Noah felt the world click into place; that elusive, blurry promise of a reciprocal desire came into sharp focus. This was what it was meant to be like.

Noah couldn’t seem to get enough. He wanted to touch Adam everywhere, all at once, and be touched.

Noah grasped at Adam’s shoulders, his hips, his face, his thoughts frazzled by his overriding longing to be consumed.

He felt an ache in his stomach, and a tightening against the seam of his jeans.

He couldn’t think of a time that he’d been aroused so instantaneously.

The handful of times he had ‘done the deed’ it had required a fair amount of concentration and concerted effort to get him hard.

Now, without even being touched, he was throbbing with anticipation.

Noah was impatient. Now that he was finally ready, there was no time to waste.

He reached for Adam’s belt. And for the second time, Adam leant back.

‘Whoa, slow down.’ Adam chuckled as he tried to rearrange his hair. The left side of his high top misshapen by Noah’s greedy grasping.

‘I …’ Adam was shaking his head in disbelief. ‘I didn’t think that’s how this conversation was going to go. I just wanted to be honest with you.’

Noah smiled. He was on a high, and he didn’t want to be dragged back to reality quite yet. He leant in for another kiss, moaning with the sharp relief that it was as delicious as the last.

‘Noah!’ Adam was sterner this time. ‘Believe me I want nothing more than to fuck your brains out right here, right now, but we should slow down.’ Noah tried to contain himself at the sound of those words, and look like he was listening intently.

‘Is this your first time … ?’ Adam paused, eyebrows raised.

‘Um, well not ever, but, with a …’ Noah felt suddenly shy. He ran his hands through his hair exasperatedly, and felt the adrenaline seep slowly from his body. ‘I’m not gay.’

Adam flinched. He shifted slightly away from Noah.

‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean that …’ Noah felt that small distance like a wound. ‘I mean I don’t know what I am. I’ve never felt like this before so maybe I am …’ he looked Adam in the eyes and their dark calm soothed him, buoyed him to say the words he was so afraid to say ‘… so maybe I am gay.’

Noah felt stupid really that he’d never thought of it before, but it was true.

He’d never been that interested in girls, but that was no bad thing.

In fact his mother had always been proud of the fact that she’d never had to endure any gossip about him and someone else’s daughter.

And then there was the fact that he didn’t really know any gay people.

He’d met them of course, at the parties he snuck into, at the galleries he wandered around.

But in his real life, the one in Birmingham, the one where people actually knew him by the name his parents had given him, there were no gay people.

This retreat had been the longest he’d ever spent with anyone outside his extended family.

Finally, there was the plague. That’s something that he had heard his parents talk about, in the disparaging tone they usually reserved for hooliganism.

The message was not, ‘may God smite down the evil gays with pestilence’, it was more an expression of pity towards the nonsensicalness of it all.

Why would anyone choose to have sex with a person of the same gender?

If it didn’t stand a chance of producing children, it was almost entirely pointless.

And then on top of that, if it could make you so very sick as to be a death sentence, why would you ever risk it?

To his mother at least, homosexuality was a pitiful disregard for common sense more than it was a mortal sin.

Adam was watching him intently; maybe he was anticipating another meltdown, but Noah felt calm now that he had said what had felt so unsayable. ‘So to answer the question, yes this is my first time.’

Adam explained some logistics, and they had the sort of conversation that would make any of his aunties’ eyes pop out of their heads.

‘Do you think you’re more drawn to the idea of being a top or a bottom?’ Adam asked, and Noah frowned. He was pretty sure he could infer what he was being asked, but he worried that it was too sensitive a question to misunderstand.

Adam sensed his hesitance, and clarified, ‘Would you want me to fuck you or the other way around?’

Noah felt his palms grow sweaty. If he was being honest the thought of both excited him, but there was something tantalising about giving himself up so completely to Adam.

‘I think I want you to …’ Noah was trying to be cool about it, but he was reaching the limits of his own candour.

Adam nodded. ‘OK, well in that case, you might want to clean up.’ Noah tried not to cringe as Adam detailed the various ways in which he might ‘prepare himself’.

‘Finally I want to add that you don’t need to worry about catching … anything. I got tested just before I came here.’

Noah nodded. It was a lot of information to take in. ‘Do you get tested a lot?’ Noah was only starting to understand the gravity of change that would come from the life he was embarking on.

‘Ever since Joshua was diagnosed, I’ve been at least every month.’ Tears pooled in Adam’s eyes. It was the first time Noah had seen him express such raw emotion. He pulled him into a hug. ‘I should warn you, that if you are gay, it’s not for the weak-hearted,’ Adam whispered over Noah’s shoulder.

‘Whoever wanted to be weak-hearted?’ Noah whispered back. ‘Oh and you should know, even though you haven’t asked, that the whole thing with Opal, it was never …’ Noah didn’t want to sound cruel, so he kept it vague, ‘it was never like this.’

It seemed like enough explanation for Adam.

They walked back to the house together, their hands brushing against each other, but neither daring to reach out and grasp.

Over dinner, Noah tried not to stare too much, but it was hard. Now that he knew what it felt like to have those lips pressed against his, and those arms wrapped around him, how could he think of anything else?

‘You’ve barely touched your chicken Marbella.’ Opal had been quite subdued since the showcase. It was clear that some of the pieces had really affected her, but she was trying to put on a brave face.

‘It’s tasty, I’m just, not that hungry I guess.

’ Noah didn’t want to be rude so he took a bite.

The crispy, salty skin would usually have delighted him, but today it simply sat heavy on his tongue.

Even the work of chewing and swallowing felt laborious.

It was a waste of time really. He knew that however good the food was, it wouldn’t come close to satisfying the kind of hunger Adam had unleashed.

When Opal suggested a nightcap in the sitting room, Adam excused himself and Noah understood, gleefully, that the time had come. He tried to keep his cool, and waited an agonising ten minutes before making his own excuses to head to bed.

Adam was waiting for him at the top of the stairs and they fell into each other’s arms as though they had a thousand times before. Noah tried to contain himself as Adam scattered kisses down his neck, but a moan escaped his lips.

‘Shhh, not here.’ Adam had a mischievous twinkle in his eye. He led Noah to the library and pushed him against the back of the door. Noah held his breath as Adam sank to his knees and began to unbutton his flies.

‘I told myself that I’d let you sleep on it, try and give you the time to really think about if this is what you want.’ Adam’s eyes had dropped down, admiring the bulge stiffening beneath his fingers. ‘But I can’t wait; I need to taste you right now.’

Noah groaned; the anticipation had already been too much and now he was fit to burst. He tried to keep it together.

Looking down Noah watched Adam take his cock out of his trousers.

Even the light stroke of Adam’s palm as he handled him made Noah pant.

All it took was the wetness of Adam’s mouth meeting him, hard and throbbing, and it was done.

Noah doubled over in ecstasy, and the sound of his own pleasure rang in his ears.

When the pieces of the room around him began to knot back into view, Noah felt a jab of cold, sharp shame along with the realisation that that had been too quick.

‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured, not daring to look down. But then Adam was standing and it was harder not to look at him. As Noah began to fumble with his flies, he felt two fingers lift his chin up.

‘Look at me, Noah,’ Adam said, and Noah obeyed. ‘You don’t have to apologise, not to me or to yourself. You’re twenty-two; you’re horny. When I was your age I could come at the merest thought of being blown too, so don’t be ashamed.’

Noah fell into Adam’s embrace, as he released the mangled hybrid of a laugh and sob that bubbled from his throat.