Chapter 42
Heather knew in the back of her mind that she really ought to be revving up to the finish line, but then Ruby had barely left her side all week, and Heather couldn’t convince herself to feel anything other than totally fine with that.
Most mornings Ruby would wake up first, and Heather would be lulled into an earlier morning that she’d hoped by a nuzzling in the crook of her neck.
It had felt strange at first, how affectionate Ruby could be. That was until it felt totally normal.
Heather knew that she had a tendency to get ahead of herself but it was hard not to feel like she and Ruby were somehow meant to be. How else to explain the likelihood of them being chosen from opposite ends of the country to end up in next-door bedrooms.
This morning, though, Heather had roused first, and she took a moment to admire the sight before her.
Ruby’s curls, glinting almost gold in the shards of nascent sunlight, were splayed across the pillow and her mouth was slightly agape, her lips soft and pink.
Ruby’s eyelids fluttered and Heather felt her heart do the same.
It was in these moments of observing that Heather could take the time to really appreciate her luck, and how close she’d come to passing it by.
When Opal had opened the door and led her to this ridiculous bedroom, Heather had considered turning straight around and heading back to Glasgow – as long and arduous as the journey had been.
In the dimly lit corridors of the house on that first night, looking at Opal was almost like looking at a strange parallel version of herself.
A slimmer, richer, straighter, older version.
It made Heather uneasy, and she had lain in bed letting her imagination run wild, that there weren’t any other guests and she was the subject of some twisted rich woman’s Gothic fantasy.
She’d tried to reassure herself that Gareth would not have set her up like that, but she had left her bags by the door, still packed.
In the cold light of day, Opal looked different, and nothing like Heather really.
Her hair was paler, and her skin clearer of freckles.
She was quite a bit taller than Heather, and had far less of an arse.
Still, Heather was uneasy. This wasn’t exactly punk rock, to be put up in a manor house in the Home Counties, to battle it out against other artists for a cash prize.
It had been her sister who had convinced her to come. ‘Free bed and board, and you could even sublet your studio for a little extra dosh while you’re gone!’
Walking into the orangery for breakfast, Heather had wondered how long it would take to walk into town to the phone booth and rail against Amanda’s terrible judgement.
That was until Ruby had walked in, with her dark baggy corduroys, black angora cardigan and a pissed-off expression on her face.
Heather was smitten. Not that she showed it of course; in fact she made an extra effort to look unimpressed with everything.
After they had eaten, though, she rushed back to her bedroom to unpack.
That first week, she hadn’t been able to work up the courage to even speak to Ruby, never mind that she seemed caught in the cross-hairs of that twat, Johan.
It occurred to Heather that Ruby might be a lost cause, a straight girl through and through, but she could never quite get that thought to stick.
Each time she began to lose hope, Ruby would throw her a glance or make a disparaging comment about Johan that kept Heather on the hook.
And now here they were. Heather was propped up on her elbow, admiring the view when Ruby opened her eyes. Her lazy smile lit up her face. ‘Morning.’
‘Morning. You must have been knackered; it’s almost ten.’ Heather slumped back down onto her pillow. ‘This isn’t a holiday, you know. We have some real important work to do.’
Heather was teasing, but if she was being honest with herself, there was a small seed of anxiety that had begun to bloom inside her.
She was worried that she was doing that thing again, where she got so caught up in a new relationship that her art suffered.
Even getting the last challenge finished in time had been a struggle, what with the siren call of afternoons spent in bed with Ruby.
And now they only had a few days left until she had to reveal a whole new piece, which she hadn’t even started …
‘Well, you’ve only got yourself to blame,’ Ruby replied. Heather genuinely considered for a moment whether Ruby could read her mind, before realising she was responding to what she’d said out loud.
Ruby leant over to plant a soft kiss on Heather’s forehead.
Even that made Heather’s knees weak. ‘If I didn’t have someone …
’ Ruby kissed Heather’s cheek now ‘… keeping me up …’ a peck on the lips ‘… all hours of the night …’ now Ruby was pressing her lips into Heather’s neck ‘… I might be able to get a decent night’s sleep. ’
Ruby was steadily moving south, and any jitters of stress about getting to the studio before midday melted from Heather’s mind.
‘You need to stay still.’ Ruby’s voice was a low purr. Heather tried to comply. Biting down hard on her own lower lip to try and contain herself.
When Ruby moaned with the satisfaction of pleasure given, it vibrated through Heather’s whole body, causing her to shudder.
The tide began to retract, and with it her body braced, the force of the crash building steadily into a mounting wave.
Breaths held in anticipation of the break.
And then, Heather was tumbled by the whitewater, and for a split second suspended in oblivion.
Ruby was waiting for her when she made it back to the shore, with arms outstretched. They lay together in the bliss of uninterrupted morning for some time.
‘I can’t wait for you to meet my sister. She’s going to love you.’ Heather’s eyes were closed as she spoke, and she was hardly aware that she’d voiced her wandering thoughts until Ruby tensed beside her.
‘Does she live in Glasgow?’ Ruby’s voice was tight.
‘Yeah, right down the road from me with her husband, Lee. He’s all right – you know for a man.
’ Ruby didn’t respond and so Heather continued, slowly becoming aware that she’d expected a different reaction.
‘Her name is Amanda, and she looks nothing like me. She’s only twenty-two, but she knows her own mind, you know, and she’s got a real job, teaching at the local primary.
’ Heather hoped that if she kept talking, she could convince herself of the insignificance of Ruby’s silence.
‘She was the one who convinced me to take up Gareth’s offer.
I was really on the fence about it, but obviously I’m glad now that I did come, otherwise I wouldn’t have met you …
’ Heather petered off as Ruby pulled away and sat up on the edge of the bed.
Heather watched as her shoulders hunched and she wrapped her slim arms around herself.
‘Heather,’ she began, as though apologising, ‘I’m not sure about all that. Glasgow is a very long way away.’
Heather felt the rise of panic in her throat, but she couldn’t stop talking. ‘We’d make it worth the trip. I could introduce you to my mates. A couple of them aren’t complete wankers. You might even like Rick actually, and I’m sure my mum would like to meet you.’
‘Your mum?’ The words came out spiky and hard from Ruby’s mouth, laced with contempt. Heather gulped, and finally quietened.
‘That’s all a bit much, don’t you think.
I mean this …’ Ruby turned slightly, and Heather pulled the sheet over herself as she watched Ruby speaking in profile.
‘This has been fun and everything but we’ve only known each other for a few weeks.
I live in London and you’re all the way up in Scotland.
Fuck, I mean I’ve never even left England before. ’
‘It’s only a train ride away,’ Heather said, almost inaudibly.
‘Yes I know that, I just …’ Ruby stood up and reached for a T-shirt, as though their nakedness, which only a moment ago had felt beyond notice and comfortable, suddenly felt too exposing. ‘There’s just no way I can introduce you to my mum. It would break her.’
‘I see.’ Heather understood; of course she did.
Her own mother had taken years to come around to the idea, and her father still insisted on wilful ignorance about her ‘preferences’ as he called it.
And Heather had heard that it could be difficult with black parents.
Her friend Sally had been completely disowned by her Guyanese mother.
None of knowing this, though, made it any less painful to hear.
‘You don’t have to tell her, you know, that we fuck; you can just say you’re visiting a friend you made while you were here. ’
Ruby shook her head. ‘You want me to lie to my mother?’ She sounded angry.
Heather was exasperated. ‘You’re trying to tell me that you tell your mother every lurid detail of your sex life with all these gormless men you shag?’
Ruby flinched. It had come out sounding more accusatory than Heather had intended, but she was angry now too, and it felt satisfying to get a reaction.
‘That’s what you think of me? Some slag who goes around opening her legs for any dick that comes my way?
’ Ruby reached for her trousers, pulling them up roughly.
‘That what … ? Until I meet you and suddenly my world is complete and I’m supposed to uproot my life and move in with you in fucking Glasgow so we can go out on double dates with your sister and her all right husband? ’ Ruby was almost shouting now.
‘I never fucking said you had to fucking move. I suggested you might want to visit and you just lost your shit!’ Heather was on her feet as well now, clutching the bedsheet to her body with one hand and gesticulating with the other.
‘Because you make me feel fucking trapped. It can’t ever just be fun. We can’t ever just shag. Every single time, you’re trying to wrap me around your finger, or get inside my head.’
Heather thought about the accusation for a moment.
It seemed nonsensical that they would share each other’s bodies so intimately and then erect arbitrary barriers around which other parts of each other they were allowed to access.
Where were all these red lines that Ruby felt had brazenly been crossed?
They had talked about their families, their art, their dreams. What else were lovers supposed to discuss?
‘At least with Johan it was simple; he never expected to have any claim over me. He was just happy to have my company whenever he did. Why can’t you just be grateful for the time we’ve spent together? Instead of demanding more all the time?’ Ruby was shaking now, but her voice was cold.
Heather felt her words like a punch in the chest. Ruby was determined to run away, and the tighter Heather held on, the more she would struggle to get free.
‘In that case why don’t you go back to his bed?
’ Heather had hoped that this would be the last word, that she would feel triumphant as Ruby slammed the door behind her, but in the silence that grew out of the sound of Ruby’s retreating footsteps, Heather only felt empty.
She found herself wishing more than anything that it hadn’t been the last thing spoken between them.
Heather headed to the studio and worked well past midnight, suddenly possessed by the dread of the fast-approaching deadline for the final showcase, now only six days away.
And yet, part of her still hoped that Ruby might knock on her bedroom door and find it empty, and another part listened out for the sound of someone walking over gravel and approaching the studio. When she finally did go to bed, she tossed and turned, and slept terribly.