Chapter 43
It was Adam’s idea to go to dinner. If Noah had it his way they would never eat again, never create again, never even leave this bedroom again. He felt like he no longer needed anything for his sustenance, apart from Adam.
‘It’s rude of us to keep avoiding our host.’ Adam was ironing a shirt, his brow furrowed with the concentration of perfecting a crisp collar. In moments like this he looked every inch the Ghanaian prince preparing his Sunday best.
‘You know I think you might be the most polite person I’ve ever met. Who cares if it’s rude? We’ve only got a few days left here anyway …’ Only in saying the words out loud did Noah, in that moment, absorb their significance.
Because it was true, they only had five days left in the manor, and then this strange fever dream of a summer would be over.
Noah couldn’t bear to even try to imagine what would come after.
Certainly the probability of walking away with the prize money felt ever more unlikely – he hadn’t set foot inside his lab since Adam had found him there, several days earlier.
Despite all that, Noah still didn’t want to put clothes on, make small talk or sip expensive wine. He wanted to guzzle the sweat as it dripped from Adam’s chest, and fill his mouth with flesh.
‘All the more reason for us to show our faces. We’ve already missed the last three dinners, and I get the sense that Opal needs company.
’ Noah felt constantly confounded by the depth of Adam’s kind nature.
Unlike most people he knew who prided themselves on being ‘nice’ Adam was intuitive with his kindness.
Knowing when to give it to others, and give it unconditionally, without holding out on giving it to himself.
‘She did say something to me the other night about how strange it would be when we all leave,’ Noah mused.
‘You see.’ Adam held the shirt up, inspecting his work. ‘It will cost us nothing to show some thoughtfulness, and it might just mean a lot to her.’
Noah bounded from the bed and kissed Adam on his bare shoulder. Still now his lips tingled at every point of contact. ‘Fine, I’ll get dressed.’
They walked down the first half of the stairs clutching each other’s hands, and then, almost automatically, pulled away as they neared the bottom.
Opal was standing in the hallway, with the telephone receiver in hand. When she saw them approach, she put it down.
‘Ah lovely, have you come down to join me?’ The sincerity in her voice made Noah feel bad for his earlier reluctance. As he was growing accustomed to learning: Adam was again right.
‘Johan is already at the table. I’ll let Hetty know we’ll need two more places set up.’ Opal rushed into the kitchen. Noah’s shoulders slumped in dismay. He’d been enjoying his time spent away from Johan.
‘It’s going to be fine. Johan is best not paid too much attention to; he’s just trying to prove himself, like everybody here.’ Noah wondered, not for the first time, if Adam could read minds.
‘You don’t get it; he has it out for me.’ Noah had never been able to banish from his mind the memory of Adam standing silently by during Johan’s onslaught at the gala.
‘You know what I think?’ Adam didn’t wait for Noah to respond before answering his own question: ‘That you two are more similar than you realise. He was pretending as well, remember? He hates himself for being an imposter, and so he takes it out on you, because it’s the only way he can stand to confront himself. ’
Noah resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Sometimes Adam’s empathetic tendencies bordered on the extreme. ‘So you’re saying I am an imposter?’
Adam chuckled. ‘I think all the best artists are.’
‘That’s a cop-out.’
‘Maybe just try and go in with an open mind?’
Noah nodded and they headed into the dining room.
Opal’s spirits seemed lifted over dinner; she began to talk more animatedly.
Maybe there was something in the air, a sense of things coming to an end, of riding the tailcoats of the height of summer that loosened her lips, or maybe it was the free-flowing Lambrusco.
She recounted stories from her university days.
Most of them included Gareth weaselling first himself, and then Opal by extension, into some exclusive event.
Noah watched as Adam rejoiced at the stories, asking questions about what Gareth was like as a younger man.
‘You must have heard some of these stories?’ Opal’s cheeks had grown flushed with nostalgia and wine.
‘Not really, we hardly ever spent time together, the three of us.’ Adam’s cheer was etched with sadness.
It was the same look he wore every time he talked about Joshua.
‘He didn’t want me to think I wasn’t his number-one priority I suppose.
I’m not sure.’ Adam shrugged. ‘I knew he had love in his life, though, and I met Gareth a few times, but it was only really afterwards that we got to know each other; nothing like funeral planning to fast-track any relationship …’
Noah hadn’t seen that before in Adam. Using humour to deflect away from real pain.
It was so unlike him. But it occurred to Noah now how raw this all must still be.
Joshua had only died eighteen months ago.
How would he cope if his mother passed? It didn’t bear thinking about.
Instinctively, he reached for Adam’s hand under the table.
Johan had been mostly quiet, but he piped up then: ‘Well let me tell you that Gareth raved about Joshua constantly, and up until they met I’d never heard Gareth speak about any of the men he was with, let alone call them his “partner”.’
Adam smiled, and Noah saw his eyes glisten. Johan gave him a little nod before leaning back in his seat.
‘And what about you, Adam, have you got someone special in your life? I realised I never really asked any of you that …’ Johan continued.
Adam squeezed Noah’s hand under the table, a silent question that Noah understood instantly; in response he simply lifted their clasped hands onto the table.
‘Oh,’ Opal spluttered. Red wine rained over the pale linen tablecloth and as she hurried into the kitchen to find a cloth, it was hard to tell if she was more embarrassed about the spillage or her reaction.
Johan raised an eyebrow. ‘I suppose my congratulations are in order.’
‘And what would that be for?’ Noah snapped, despite himself. He couldn’t help but be wound up by Johan.
‘For finally putting Opal out of her misery. It was clear from the start she was besotted.’
It hadn’t been at all what Noah had expected him to say, and he was taken aback. Adam stiffened beside him, and Noah finally felt the need to clarify things.
‘If you must know, we only ever shared a kiss, nothing … more ever happened.’ This was mostly for Adam’s benefit, and Noah felt annoyed at having to make the confession in front of Johan. Who, as usual, found it all to be bemusing.
Opal rushed back to the table with a cloth and profuse apologies, what for exactly, it wasn’t clear.
It was Adam who took the lead to get them out, and Noah was grateful. ‘All this reminiscing has got me feeling a little exhausted. I hope you wouldn’t mind us retiring for the evening?’ Adam smiled serenely, in stark contrast to Opal’s flustered demeanour.
‘No of course not, I mean, yes, you may of course. There’s a Black Forest gateau for dessert in the kitchen but maybe you can have some of that for breakfast or something?’ Opal began to chuckle nervously. ‘Or not, whatever you please!’
‘That’s very kind, Opal,’ Adam said as he stood up, folded his napkin and masterfully ignored her rambling question. ‘Shall we?’ He turned to Noah, offering his hand. Blinded by Adam’s grace, Noah forgot to feel self-conscious as he took it.
They walked all the way up the stairs together, in plain view of the dining room, and Noah felt giddy.
They had revealed themselves, and the world had stayed turning, as usual.
By the time they got back to Adam’s bedroom, the high had crystallised into something …
harder. Noah felt ready to give himself over completely.
‘I want you to fuck me,’ he whispered as Adam clicked the door closed behind him. When he turned back around, his eyes were already ablaze.
‘Are you sure?’ Adam’s voice was gravelly with want. It made Noah’s skin prick. He nodded.
Adam was gentle at first, delicately unbuttoning Noah’s shirt, unzipping his flies, whilst deftly planting soft kisses along his chest and neck. Once there was only skin and the threat of damaged silk had passed, Adam grew rougher.
Noah barely registered Adam taking his own clothes off. His mind was too overcome with sensation and anticipating to think clearly. There were hands everywhere. The firmness of Adam was for him to devour, different parts of him respectively hardened by dance and desire.
All of a sudden they were on the bed. The weight of Adam on top of him winded Noah, his vision began to blur and his breathing grew raspier. Adam became still, and when Noah opened his eyes, he saw concern.
Adam shifted his weight off. ‘Are you OK?’ he asked.
Noah parted his lips to reply but found that he couldn’t make a sound. He realised only then that the fire in his belly was panic. Adam had noticed it before he had.
Adam lay beside him, and turned Noah onto his side. They lay there whilst Adam caressed him, tracing smooth lines up his side and across his back. Noah’s breathing steadied.
‘I want this …’ he whispered in answer to Adam’s unspoken question. Adam glanced down, a wry smile crossing his face.
‘Oh I can see that. I just don’t know if you’re ready …’
In response Noah reached for Adam’s erection, freeing it from his briefs and watching intently as pleasure softened Adam’s features.
‘I’m ready.’ The words hung in the air, particles of gas, ready to be ignited, and it was the slightest groan from Adam’s throat that did it.
This time when Adam climbed astride, Noah was agitated with something other than fear.
He reached down to touch himself, to alleviate the pressure, but Adam stopped him, shaking his head.
‘You have to relinquish yourself; that’s the only way this is going to work.’
Noah wasn’t entirely sure what he meant, but he nodded again, allowing his arms to be laid above his head.
Adam reached into the bedside drawer and brought out a thick tube of what looked like toothpaste, although it was more clinical-looking than that.
‘It’ll help,’ was all Adam said and he squeezed a blob of the viscous clear liquid into his palm.
Noah knew what was going to happen next.
He’d thought about it almost constantly for days.
It was strange to obsess over being fucked, after spending so much of his life never having considered it something that had anything to do with him.
And now that the moment had arrived, he found he couldn’t imagine what it was going to feel like.
Noah watched intently as Adam stroked the gel-like liquid over himself. Suddenly his cock looked unfathomably large. Noah wondered what would happen if it simply didn’t fit.
Adam seemed to sense Noah’s hesitance. He leant down for a long, slow kiss, and Noah relaxed. He felt Adam, hard between his legs, trailing across his thigh, and he tried to focus on the intense heat of his want over anything else. For this to work he had to relinquish himself.
The first thrust was slow and deliberate.
It made Noah gasp. The pain was shocking, but once he had gritted his teeth through the red-hot flash of it, Noah found himself lusting for more.
It was the satisfaction of iced water poured down a parched throat coupled with the tantalising sting of the biting cold against the heat of skin. Noah couldn’t get enough.
‘Do you like that?’ Adam’s voice was low, raspy, but still sincere in its question.
Noah had to concentrate very hard to form an answer.
‘Yes,’ was all he could manage. Adam began to thrust faster, and Noah threw back his head in rapture.
He understood now, what it meant to surrender to pleasure.
He understood that he had to accept it in its entirety, to give himself over to it, and learn to embrace the pain as part of it, perhaps even the most delicious part of it.
Noah could not distinguish between his own moans and Adam’s, and when he came close to the edge of climax, he could not have known if it was his hand or Adam’s that reached down to coax him into that blissful release.
In those timeless seconds, Noah caught a glimpse of Adam’s face and he saw his own elation mirrored back at him – the moment was too profound to bear and Noah had to close his eyes as they toppled over the edge in unison.