Room to Breathe

Chapter 38 Now

Now

“No.” Beau’s voice wasn’t loud, but it was firm.

His mom turned toward him in surprise.

I stopped in my retreat. He finished his walk down the stairs. She was still blocking the door, but he stepped around her and over the books and didn’t stop until his arms were wrapped around me. I melted against him.

“I thought you didn’t want to see me again,” he said by my ear.

“I wanted to. I couldn’t.”

“I thought if you were grounded that you’d sneak out or something.”

I gave a watery laugh. “I wanted to, but I have a lot to make up for with my parents. I didn’t want them to catch me sneaking out.”

“Beau.” His mom’s voice cut through our conversation.

He turned to face her. “Mom, I love you, but Indy is going to be a part of my life.”

Warmth spread down my spine with his statement. His mom wasn’t having the same fuzzy feelings, though, because her face hardened another degree.

“I need to speak with you alone,” she said, and marched away, down the hall toward the kitchen.

He turned an apologetic smile my way. “I better go talk to her, try to minimize the resistance.”

I nodded.

“Will you wait for me?” He pointed to the bench on the porch.

“Yes,” I said.

He started to walk away and I grabbed his hand. He turned back, his blue eyes softening as he looked at me.

“I’ll come back,” he said. “I promise.”

I released his hand and he walked to the still-open front door. He bent down and picked up his stack of books. “You’re my hero,” he said over his shoulder.

I laughed. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

He carried them into the house, shutting the door behind him.

Anxiety immediately flooded my senses as I stared at that closed door.

What was his mom going to say to him in there?

Was she going to get King Grandpa on the phone?

Were they going to tell Beau how his name was all he had and a bad reputation could destroy his life?

Could I destroy his life? When colleges Googled him, would he somehow be linked to me and then my dad by association?

Even if my dad was cleared of the charges, the internet was forever.

That story would be out there forever. Maybe his mom was right to warn him against me. Maybe I wasn’t good for him.

If I could come to these conclusions out here on his porch, talking to myself, how much more effective would she and King Grandpa be inside?

I paced the porch, unable to sit down. Maybe I needed to leave. Maybe that would be better for everyone.

No.

I wasn’t going to leave. People weren’t their mistakes, and I was a good person. My dad was too. His mom didn’t get to tell us otherwise.

I wasn’t sure how long I paced his porch, but after a while the door opened and Beau stepped out. I waited for him to take the lead. I didn’t want to assume anything. He held out his hand.

I stared at it, confused.

“Come here,” he said.

“Okay.” I walked forward and took it.

He guided me inside. I wondered if I was now going to get a lecture from his mom, but he didn’t take me down the hall toward the kitchen; he led me upstairs.

“What happened?” I asked. “What did she say?”

He smiled back at me. “I have a place for us to talk.”

“Okay.” We were heading straight for the end of the hall to his parents’ room. So I was going to have to talk to her? I was a ball of nerves. I had stood up to her at the door, but I was worried I’d expended all of my bravery.

But when he opened the bedroom door, the room was dark. He flipped on a light, then led me to the window. My heart started beating faster as his intentions became clear.

“Do I get to sit on the roof?” I asked in excitement.

“You told me you believed answers to life’s problems would be easier to solve on one of these roofs.”

“I did,” I said.

“I hope you’re right.”

“I am,” I said.

He smiled, opened the window, then popped out the screen. He stepped out first, then offered his hand to me. I hesitated. It was higher than it looked from inside and not as flat as I’d pictured it.

“Scarier than you thought?” he asked with a chuckle.

I nodded.

“I got you.” He took a step closer. “Just don’t look down.”

I nodded and held on to his arm and shoulder tightly as I stepped through the window and onto the roof. It was breezy out and the wind blew my hair across my face. I pushed it out of the way with one hand, and he led me slowly to a flatter section, where we sat.

The sun was low in the sky; we’d get to see it set in the next thirty minutes or so.

The ocean in the distance settled my nerves. “This is magical,” I said. “Just like I knew it would be.”

“It’s pretty cool,” he agreed.

“Does your mom know you’re out here?” I asked.

“She does.”

“With me?” I clarified.

“Yes,” he said.

“What happened? What did she say?”

“She didn’t say much. I did most of the talking. I let her know that if she didn’t want me to resent her forever, that she needed to understand and accept how important you are to me.” He pulled something out of his pocket and handed it to me.

It was the fortune teller from the bathroom. I didn’t realize I’d left it in there. I thought I’d packed it up with all my other things.

I laughed. “You saved it.”

“Ask it a question,” he said, nodding toward it.

I smirked. “It only worked in the bathroom.”

“No, it’s doubly effective now.”

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

“Because the universe has easier access to it.” He pointed to the sky.

“No dirty bathroom ceilings to get through?”

“Exactly. Try it.”

“Try it?” I asked, turning it over several times in my hands. I was sitting cross-legged, facing him. He was facing the backyard, his legs stretched out in front of him, his hands on the roof behind him, propping himself up.

“Try it,” he said softly.

“Okay.” I closed my eyes, trying to think of what question I wanted to ask. What was most important to me right now? Can everything in my life go back to normal? I said the words in my head and was surprised at the lump that rose in my throat. How important the answer to that question was to me.

I opened my eyes and stared at the paper in my hand for a moment.

He reached over and shook my shoulder. “Do it.”

I gave a breathy laugh, then went through the motions—picking a color out loud, then a number and another one, and finally I flipped open the triangle. Beneath the flap, the word yes had been crossed out and the words I’m sorry were written in Beau’s handwriting above it. My eyes darted to his.

“How did you know I was going to pick number three?” I asked.

“The fortune teller knows all.”

I flipped open the flap next to the three—it also said I’m sorry above a crossed-out maybe. I smirked and opened all the numbers. They all said I’m sorry.

“I am,” he said. “So sorry. I handled everything wrong. I shouldn’t have turned you in to Mrs. Dulaney. I should’ve been there for you. I want to be here for you.”

I wiped at my cheek with the back of my hand. “You didn’t know.”

“I should’ve known something was wrong. You weren’t acting like yourself. I was too busy getting my feelings hurt to realize what that meant.”

“We’re going to be okay, aren’t we?” I asked. “We can be friends again. Like before?”

“I don’t want to be your friend,” he said.

I blinked. “What?”

“At least not like before.”

“What do you mean?”

He turned to face me completely, crossing his legs.

Our knees touched. “I’m in love with you, Indy.

And if you don’t love me back, that’s okay, we can just be friends.

I’ll try not to make it awkward. But if you felt the same way I did when we kissed in the bathroom, then I hope we can be more than friends. ”

I hugged my knees to my chest and buried my face in them.

Competing emotions battled inside of me.

I had felt the same way when we kissed—like my world had burst into vibrant color.

Like my body had been launched into the air and I was free-falling back to earth.

And I felt that again now at his words, at the fact that he’d just admitted he loved me.

I loved him too. But the other emotion that was fighting for its life in my chest was fear.

Fear that if we didn’t work out I’d lose my best friend all over again.

Fear that if we did this, my other friends would never forgive me.

I wasn’t sure if I trusted myself with his heart.

I wasn’t my best self right now. I wanted to work on it, but I wasn’t there.

“Tell me how you’re feeling,” he said. “Do I need to take it back?”

“Do Ava and Caroline know?”

“How I feel about you?” he asked.

I nodded into my knees.

“I’m sure they’ve guessed.”

I put my chin on my knees to look at him. He had leaned forward, his elbows on his crossed legs. We were very close. My heart jumped in my chest.

“Do you think they’ll forgive me for how I acted?” I said. “I’ve been trying to think of a way to make it up to them.”

“You just need to talk to them. They miss you.”

I hoped he was right.

“We went out for In Between last month, and it turned into a giant conversation about past years and you.”

“You all talked about me?”

“Yes, we all did.”

“I came by your house that night. I’d made you and Ava a cake. But then I saw you all celebrating without me and I ended up eating the cake myself. Well, me and the seagulls, and a chubby squirrel. It was pathetic.”

“You made me a cake last month?” he asked.

“The writing sucked, but it tasted good.”

He laughed. “Thank you.”

“For making you a cake that I ended up eating?”

“Yes.” His laughter quieted and his smile slid off his face. “No, really, it means a lot that you were thinking about me. I was constantly thinking about you.”

I brushed a curl off his forehead, my heart racing. “Oh! I got your note. In the calculus book. Today.”

“Today?” He leaned in to my touch.

“I didn’t see it until today. Did you buy that book for me?”

“I did.”

“I didn’t know.”

“I thought you did. When you didn’t respond, I thought you were telling me you didn’t want to talk.”

“I did,” I assured him. “Always.”

“You going to put me out of my misery?” he asked, his eyes bright as he studied mine.

“I’m scared,” I said.

“Of what?”

“Of losing you,” I said.

His shoulders rose and fell with a deep breath. “I understand. I’m scared too.”

“But I am in love with you,” I said.

I couldn’t read his expression—disbelief, excitement, awe? “You are?” he asked.

“Very much.”

He launched himself forward and wrapped his arms around me.

I let out a yelp as I was thrown off-balance and toppled backward.

I untucked from my ball, my legs flying out and my back meeting the shingles.

He held me tight so it was a soft landing.

We both rolled onto our sides, facing each other.

He tucked my hair behind my ear. The tips of our noses were touching as we stared at each other.

“I can’t believe this is actually happening,” he said.

“What’s happening?” I responded with a smirk.

He slowly pressed his lips to mine. “That, for starters.”

“That’s a good start,” I said, touching my lips to his again.

He responded, deepening the kiss, his tongue brushing along my lips, his hand spreading onto my lower back.

“We’re missing the sunset,” I said.

“Are we?” he asked, kissing me several more times.

“I told you the roof was a good place to think.”

“Let’s stay out here forever,” he said.

“Okay,” I responded, snaking my arm around his waist and pulling myself tighter against him.