Chapter 28
Lyra
W
hen I pick up Tanner the next morning, there are two bicycles waiting for us.
I’m not pleased about that because I think anything with two wheels should also include a motor. But I smile and hug and pretend everything is fine, all the while scanning the crowd of men grouped to greet me for Spencer.
He’s nowhere to be found. Neither are Phillippe, Derrick, and Luc C., because I sent them home. The group of men is dwindling, which is how it should be. There are twelve left.
I’m doing everything the Suitorette should be doing. Only it doesn’t seem to be working.
Being a princess is easier than this.
As we wave goodbye, perched upright on old bikes with baskets, and tires that make you feel every rock, I wait for Tanner to mention Spencer.
Do the men even talk about what happens on the date? Does Tanner know that Spencer walked out, and if he does, is he wondering why Spencer didn’t get a yellow goodbye rose as well?
Tanner asks about Kalle instead.
As we ride into town, Tanner peppers me with questions about my brother. I recap Kalle’s hockey career, try to remember the reasons he switched to baseball (other than “because he could”). I’m at a loss when it comes to Kalle’s curling, though, but I’m very knowledgeable about The King’s Hat pub.
It’s good that I’ve kept up with my brothers’ lives, even though I never expected to be quizzed on a date about what Kalle is up to.
Hockey players. I guess there’s a bond that never goes away.
Once we make it into town, we spend some time walking around the stores, tiny shops showcasing Saint Pierre’s history and French past.
And a few really good bakeries.
We visit the candy store, and apparently, Tanner has a huge sweet tooth. He insists that we pick something out to give to Tema.
The downtown area of Saint Pierre is cozy and quaint, with enough colourful homes and fishing boats to remind me of Battle Harbour. There’s another pang of homesickness. It’s a surprise because mainly I focus on what’s in front of me rather than what I’ve left behind.
Maybe it’s time to spend some time at home.
That’s definitely my mother’s imaginary voice, because I like my life in Chicago.
But that might change, depending on whom I end up with. If I end up with anyone.
Could it be Tanner?
Tanner is sweet and nice and fun, with a personality like a favourite teddy bear that you have to hug.
I do hug him a lot throughout the afternoon: when he presents me with a bouquet of wildflowers, bought, not stolen from a yard; when we get silly trying on hats in a little shop; and when we get splashed as we walk through the waves at the beach.
I do the big, throwing myself at him hug for that—Tanner lifts me up and I wrap my arms and legs around him. It’s a perfect Suitorette shot.
So is us running through a flock of seagulls, sending them flying with loud ha-ha-ha calls.
I know the viewers will be comparing Tanner to Asani, and Tanner is going to come out on top. It’s also going to come out that I like to terrorize birds when they’re minding their own business, but seagulls can often be an annoyance from the sixth level of Hell and I think they can handle it.
The entire date is like an interview for Tanner as the next Suitor. I keep Grayson’s words at the forefront of my mind, and I make sure the cameras get the best of Tanner.
I ask the questions about past relationships—he’s had two serious ones, and the last one resulted in a broken heart about a year ago. I get him to admit that it was tough when he injured out of hockey and how he felt lost for a few years until he fell into coaching kids.
He confesses that he really wants to be a father.
I’d marry him in a minute if I wasn’t thinking of Spencer all the time. It’s like my mind has divided, quite neatly, into Suitorette/Tanner/ignore the cameras but play to them, and Spencer.
I want to talk to him so badly that it actually hurts.
Other than that, it’s a good day and we stay in town until the sun dips low in the sky.
A pickup truck collects Tanner and the bikes to take them back to the hotel, and Grayson picks me up in the convertible.
I’m happy we don’t need video of us riding back to the hotel; on the show they neatly segue the casual events of the afternoon into the romantic part of the evening, when the reality is there’s a few hours in between when we separate and change before meeting up again.
“Don’t mess up your lipstick,” Alexa warns as she helps me get ready back at Camille’s.
For the evening date, I wear a strapless, lilac maxi dress, the gauzy fabric flowing around my legs, with my hair up. Alexa does subtle makeup, making me look sun kissed, not sunburnt—which my nose and shoulders certainly are—with a dramatic plum lipstick.
If I get to take anything from my time on this show, it might be Alexa and her boxes of tricks because she always makes me look amazing.
“Isn’t the point of it to get messed up?” I tease, sounding more light-hearted than I feel.
I’m going to have to kiss Tanner sometime tonight. After I get vulnerable and open up with insights and personal anecdotes about my life. I’m going to have to kiss him, and I already know I’m going to be thinking of Spencer.
When I’m ready, the car takes me into town where the show has booked the tiny French restaurant over-looking the water.
I’ve watched the show enough times to know this is where the romance will happen. Over a quiet meal, we’ll have private time to share our thoughts and feelings.
To be vulnerable.
I’d rather run through the seagulls again and deal with them pooping on me.
But still, this is what I signed up for.
It’s the first typical one-on-one date—I sent Asani home before we got to the dinner part, and Basher and I mixed it up with Denzel, so viewers weren’t able to see the romance blossoming over plates of food that we never touched.
Tanner and I are going to have to play the part of a couple falling in love.
I’m going to have to do this for him, with the hope that I’m not believable enough for him to start falling for me.
I know Tanner is interested; there is attraction there, but what I really feel for him is friendship.
I can only hope it’s the same for him.
“You look gorgeous.” Tanner gets to his feet as I walk toward him at the table on the back deck of the restaurant. The admiration in his eyes looks real—and so is mine when I get a good look at him in his dress pants and shirt with the sleeves rolled up to show tanned forearms.
I’m happy to see his shaggy hair is still shaggy.
“So do you,” I tell him.
The ambience is perfect—candles, the scent of good food, a glass of chilled Sancerre before me. Thin clouds scud across the rising moon and the wind has picked up, sending waves crashing against the jetty.
It would be a perfect night for romance if you weren’t looking at the three cameras focused on getting our every word and expression.
This is where it’s going to seem like Tanner and I are falling in love.
I hope Spencer never sees it.
We sit, we make some inane toast, and now it’s Tanner’s turn to ask the questions. I brace myself, preparing to be vulnerable.
“Why do you live in Chicago?” Tanner begins. There is food before us which we are not allowed to eat. They told me to have a snack before we started shooting and I’m glad I did. “I would think New York would be more your speed. Toronto even.”
“Have you ever been?” I counter, tracing the edge of my wineglass.
Tanner shakes his head. “Boston and Philadelphia, but not Chicago. I tend to stay in Canada mostly.”
“I love Canada. But Chicago is beautiful. It’s kind of a silly story about why I ended up there.” I take a deep breath because it’s time to start giving this vulnerability thing a shot. Or at least the personal anecdotes. “You’ve seen Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, haven’t you?”
“Is that the one with the kids in detention?”
“No, but that’s another John Hughes movie. He made the best teen movies of the 1980s.”
“I’ll take your word for it. I’ve never been one for movies.”
“That might have to change,” I say lightly, and Tanner grins.
“Anyway, in the movie, Ferris ditches school for a day. He plans this whole elaborate sickness just so he can play hooky with his girlfriend and his best friend. And they go to Chicago. When I saw the movie, I wanted to be one of those characters.”
“The girlfriend?”
I grimace. “No, I wanted to be Ferris. He was the leader, the planner, the elaborate prankster.” I smile at the memory.
“He talked his way into the best restaurant without a reservation, he managed to get on a float in this parade. He just grabbed life. I’ve always loved his sense of adventure, his confidence, and I thought if I lived in Chicago, every day could be like that. ” I pause. “It’s silly.”
“Why? That’s who you are. You have this passion for life that’s incredible.”
“I try,” I admit, trying to hide the sudden lump in my throat at the thought of someone actually seeing me for once. Tanner is dangerous, and if things were different— “You’re from Halifax?”
“Originally from New Brunswick, but open to relocate.” He grins.
“Are your parents still together?”
“Yes, they’re very happy.” Tanner drops his gaze. A pause, and I think that’s all he’s going to say. But then— “How old were you when your mother died?” he surprises me by asking, as well as by the gentleness in his tone “The queen, I mean.”
“She was the queen but she was still my mom.” He’s the first of the men who has asked about her.
The accident that took my mother is public record, as is the fact I was in the car with her. But I rarely talk about it.
“I was seventeen,” I say.
I was seventeen when my mother picked me up at a friend’s place, and then lost control of the car on an icy bridge during a surprise October storm.
I was seventeen when I woke up in the hospital to find Spencer hunched in a chair beside me, clutching my hand with an expression of such sorrow on his face that I knew right away.
He still said the words though and held me as I cried.
We both cried, because the queen had been a mother to him as well.
“That must have been difficult.”
I still miss her. I think about my mother every day. I talk to her, but I’m not about to tell Tanner any of that. How it took three years of therapy for me to get past the guilt that was crushing me. How half of the crazy bad choices I’ve made were because I was grieving.
How I dumped all of that into letters to Spencer, and he listened and understood.
I nod. “For the entire country. She was an amazing queen.” I smile sadly. “And a pretty great mother.”
That’s it. That’s all I can do.
I motion to the water, at the waves crashing louder than before. “There’s a storm moving in. You can tell by the wind.”
“It’s still hard to talk about her,” Tanner points out, and I’m surprised he’s not letting it go.
“I don’t talk about her.” My voice is steady, without a hint of apology. I’ve perfected it over the years because I only talk about my mother with those who knew and loved her.
“Fair enough.” He rattles the ice in his glass, takes a sip. “You don’t remember that we met before.”
My breath is shaky, but I manage the subject change with relief. “I think I’d remember you.”
“It was the second game of the Juniors’ championship. My first year, but it was Kalle’s second. We won, and you somehow made your way to the locker room.”
“That’s where the celebration was. I remember now. There were a lot of players hugging me.” I scrunch my nose. “There was a lot of sweat and man-smell.”
“That’s a locker room. Two of your brothers were with you.”
“Bo and Gunnar.”
“And Spencer.”
My smile fades at the mention of his name. It’s not fair that Tanner is on this date with me. He doesn’t seem to think anything at all is wrong.
It’s all wrong.
Tanner is great. He’s the whole package. He ticks all the boxes—he’s got the face, the body, the personality…
Maybe not all the brains, with all the concussions in his past, but he’s a sweet guy.
In another life, I would have fallen for him, and probably broken his heart.
In this life, I don’t want to break his heart. And I don’t want to be on this date with him.
“You never left his side,” Tanner says, his smile rueful. “All these guys kept coming up to meet you, and you would smile and talk to them, and then you’d go back to Spencer, like he was your security guy. Not your brothers, but Spencer. He’s, like, your person.”
“He’s…” I don’t know how to describe Spencer right now. I don’t want to say too much, because if I start talking about him, I know the facade of this date will come crashing down.
I’ve played the part of a woman falling in love with the hockey player so well tonight, and if Tanner keeps talking about Spencer, it’s going to ruin everything.
And Tanner keeps talking. “The other day at the pool, I was watching the two of you.”
“I thought you were watching Tema,” I manage in a light-hearted voice.
“That kid.” Tanner smiles and I hope they get a full-faced shot of that smile. I hope that changes the subject, but no.
“It didn’t matter who you were talking to, you were constantly looking for Spencer.” Tanner toys with his fork. “He’s the same way. He can’t take his eyes off you when you’re around.”
His words jolt me. “He’s always been protective of me.
We’ve been friends a long time.” I don’t want to talk about Spencer, so why am I drinking in every mention of him like it’s the best glass of wine I’ve ever had?
I don’t want to talk about Spencer because it’s not fair to Tanner, and I like Tanner. I really do.
Just not like I like Spencer.
Love. Love Spencer.
“I think you’re more than friends.” Tanner looks at me with a sad smile, and he knows. “It’s good that he’s here.”
He has to know this is all wrong.
I get to my feet. “I can’t do this,” I declare.