Chapter 44
CARING (TOO MUCH)
ELOISE
“Ella! Serieusement! Ella!”
I looked at Monique as we perused the racks at a lingerie shop.
“What?” I asked, trying to distract myself with a chemise.
“You're not absorbed in that,” Monique said. “What is going on with you?”
“Nothing,” I lied.
“I do not believe you. You were quiet all afternoon and still are. How are you quiet here—of all places?”
I shrugged.
The truth? I needed to tell her what happened with Duncan. Because I had no idea what to say, I didn't know where to begin.
“Can we just go sit somewhere and talk?” I asked.
“Sure. I'm getting you these.”
“No, Mo, don't—”
“I insist. You've been lovely. I want you to have nice things. I love you. And I've missed you.”
“You will be back,” I laughed. “In a month.”
“And you will be gone. On a tour.”
“True,” I said. “But I will move in with you no matter where you go.”
She hugged me. “We will find a beautiful, bright place and be very happy old maids together.”
Old maids? Not if Duncan had it his way. Fuck! What was I doing?
Monique paid for our purchases, and we dropped off our bags at the hotel before visiting the lounge. We sat off to the side, drinking some sort of green gin cocktail. It was nice but I remained distracted.
“Tell me everything,” Monique said. “Does this have to do with...”
“D,” I responded. “Yes.”
She raised her eyebrows and sipped the drink, indicating I should continue.
“After I left you last night, I called him. And then I went over there. And... I fucked him.”
“For the first time?”
I nodded.
“And?”
“It was other-worldly. Fucking glorious.”
“Like angels singing?”
I giggled. “Definitely not that. I tied him up and we... well, he let me do whatever I wanted to him. It was the hottest thing I've ever done. And then after, we just played around until we like... hooked up again... but that was tender somehow.”
“Oh... no. You got feelings?”
“No. He does.”
“And he's the only one?”
I shrugged.
“Ella, be honest with me. Be honest with yourself, sweetheart. What did D say?”
“That he adored me and only wanted to spoil me. That he wanted me to stay with him. That he wanted... more.”
“And you are... what? Upset?”
I shrugged. “It's low stakes for him. He can fawn over me, spoil me, and cart me around on his arm. For me, it's career-ending.”
“You would not be the first woman to sleep with someone she worked with.”
“Why, so people can believe I slept my way to the top?”
“Oh, honey, people would get over it so fast if they thought you were the real deal. It'd be a love story. He's not predatory. Don't you still hold all the cards?”
“He acknowledged his inevitable position of power, which is accurate. And if it goes wrong, it goes really wrong. I'd be lying if I didn't admit it sounded fun, but—”
“Hey. Let's take it back a moment. Do you care about him? D? And don't lie to me, Ella. Because I know when you are lying.”
“He was a client. I care about clients. I always—”
“No. Don't tell me that. As a person, do you care about him?”
I was flailing. I didn't want to admit I had feelings. Maybe I hadn't known until last night. The way he kissed me made me weak. The way he spoke to me. He was so tender and vulnerable. He wanted me. Little old me. But was that where my attraction began and ended? This powerful man wanted me?
“You care. I know you care.”
“What!? How?”
“When he came over to the table, he wanted to know more. He wanted an excuse to insert himself and you told him we mattered. He was showing a genuine interest. You got all flustered and didn't even bother standing. Girl, you have it bad for him. And if you deny it, you are lying to yourself.”
“I cannot have it bad for him. He is older and there is no way we make it out alive together. It's crazy!”
“Crazy shit happens all the time. Word on the street is his parents whole thing is the result of a missed-opportunity drunken hookup and now look at them. Anything is possible.”
“They were both athletic and gorgeous people. They made a smokin' hot child who should have zero interest his chubby member of staff.”
“You aren't chubby. You're built with a dump truck ass, and he seems to appreciate it! He said he wanted to spoil you?”
“Mercilessly, yes.”
“Run, don't walk. Give in. Even if you like him a little now, could it grow? Could you see yourself enjoying him? Even if it wasn't all that serious? You realize you don't have to marry him, right?”
“I know,” I nodded. “But damn the pressure is real. You don't understand—”
“Well, if no one knows and you're as good at hiding it as I think you are, it will be fine!”