Chapter 45
forty-five
PARKER
Rarely did I desire to spend money, but something about Astrid drove me wild. I longed to spoil her. Astrid’s defence of my honour did not emasculate or annoy me. It endeared her to me. She was clever and good at argument—wise beyond her years—and I wanted her even more.
“Parker, I cannot believe you did this!”
Spur of the moment, I couldn’t bother to wait until we got back to Shalestone to have Astrid. So, I splurged and got a massive hotel suite in London for the afternoon. I’d never done this for anyone before and doubted I’d be tempted to do it again. Sometimes, spontaneity was good.
“You said hotels were a novelty and thought the suite was nice. I wanted to do something as a token of my gratitude for your help with my dreadful family.”
I kissed Astrid, taking her in. She was so beautiful, so lovely, and totally mine. What was this feeling? She possessed me! Unfortunately, she pulled away, snapping me out of it.
“Oh, Parker, shit!”
“What? ”
“We have an issue,” she muttered in French.
Sometimes, when she’d go off on a tangent in French, I got a glimpse into her internal dialogue. I had insight into her psyche few did—apart from her dear sisters. She let down her guard.
“I forgot, you know and?—”
She looked upset.
“What, darling? Talk to me.”
“Um… crimson wave?”
Her period .
“Oh, shit, well, we don’t have to…”
I realised I’d forgotten, too. I’d been selfish.
“I am sorry,” Astrid said. “I love you, but?—”
She stopped, covered her mouth, and panicked. “Shit, shit, shit! Forget I said that! Oh, mon dieu! Shit! Fuck!”
Did she love me? I ignored the whole cockblock of a period for a moment—the hangup she assumed was an absolute dealbreaker—and assessed her words. I wasn’t upset or frightened. If I didn’t soon respond, she’d assume the worst. This was our white whale. We each struggled with feelings, but they hung in vivid colour.
Astrid paced, but I stopped her. Taking her hands in mine, I looked at her and took her in as she was—the woman I cared so deeply for. Tears welled in her eyes. Right now, she was her own worst critic. We had that in common. She averted my gaze.
“Astrid, love, I’m not upset, alright?”
I pulled her chin towards mine. “You’re allowed to have big feelings. I’m shit at receiving them. I might not just drop an L-bomb like that, but… I do adore you. What’s more, I admire you so much. I could stare at you and… I often wish I could be as witty or defiant as you can be.”
“Really?”
I chuckled. “Yes, Astrid. You are special to me. I’m not upset if you want to say it. You can keep saying it. I won’t stop you.”
She relaxed, wrapping her arms around me and buried her head in my shirt.
“I love you,” she repeated .
Astrid let out feelings she either did or did not know she held back. I held her close, kissing the top of her head. She was wonderful. I rubbed her back and stood there, feeling her pace slow and breathing ease.
“I don’t say that to people.” Astrid stepped back. “I don’t… it is hard for me. And to drop it like that to anyone but my sisters—or Rick because I do love him—it’s… hard.”
“I struggle to say it to anyone at all,” I said. “So, forgive me if it takes time.”
She smiled and nodded. “I understand. It took ages for my sister to admit it to Rick. Everyone has their own pace.”
I was grateful she understood.
“I feel safe with you,” Astrid admitted. “I let you fuck me and tell you things because I trust you. Trust is hard for me. It’s why sometimes I fight you tooth and nail and feel you’re out to get me. I’m fucked up.”
“I disagree,” I said. “I think you are exceptional. And resilient. Perhaps you struggle sometimes. I know I do. You’ve lost a lot of people dear to you, seen a lot of pain, and you’re far from everything you ever knew. I am fucking proud of you, Astrid. Proud to know you.”
Tears welled again. The dam broke, and she sobbed.
“Astrid, what did I say?”
“Just the sweetest thing anyone has ever said,” Astrid said. “And more than I probably deserve. You’re just lovesick and being sympathetic?—”
I shook my head and pulled her back to me. “I’m not, Astrid. I am incapable of sugar-coating things. It’s one of my flaws. You deserve the world. All this—even a hotel suite on a bloody Monday morning.”
She laughed. “Thank you. Thank you for just… being you. For saying it all.”
“You deserve it, Astrid.”
She grabbed a tissue and pulled herself together. “Now, I’m sorry. I could… well you can always…“
“Astrid, we can simply relax, order food, cuddle. It doesn’t matter to me. Okay? I needed a break. No housemates. We’re grown-ups. I know we both like the crutch of having our mates around, but… we need some personal space.”
Astrid nodded.
“And, you assume this is a dealbreaker, but for me, it’s not,” I said.
“What?”
“The easiest way to manage it is to do it in the shower.”
“What?”
“Period sex. Has no one told you this is a thing people do? Of course, we don’t have to, but it’s an option.”
“You wouldn’t be like… grossed out?”
“Nah. What’s a little blood?”
“You want to fuck me so badly, you’d set this aside.”
“I would fuck you in any situation. That’s why you frighten me,” I admitted.
Astrid bit her lip. “Okay, well, come on. You’re going to have to teach me how to do this.”
“Challenge accepted.”