Chapter 23 The Awkward Part
The Awkward Part
Keir
Ingrid’s words stung. I sputtered, unsure how to counter or dispute her characterization. I pulled her into a drawing room and closed the door quietly, so as not to raise suspicion. I needed to get us somewhere private.
“Do you really still think that, Ingrid?”
She stood there, arms crossed, looking hurt.
“Tell me I’m wrong, Keir.”
“Darling, you aren’t… well, you weren’t wrong. And I know you have expressed patience.”
“Too much, perhaps?”
“I am not phobic. I don’t want you to think that. I have concerns. I have baggage, but I love you most of all. I know you want children, and this is non-negotiable.”
“Keir, it’s not about obligation,” Ingrid insisted. “I need you to want children. They aren’t just mine. We aren’t having babies for my sake. We are having them because we want them. It isn’t fair otherwise! And right now, you are not making me feel better about this.”
I took her hands in mine. “Ingrid, I want children with you. I have wanted children with you for ages now. Why would you think that I was ticking a box?”
Tears rose to her eyes. “You don’t, though. Your reaction tells me you are saying what you think I want to hear.”
“Ingrid, that’s not true!” My voice was too rough, eliciting the breakdown reaction I wanted to avoid.
Ingrid dropped my hands and spun out the door. I watched her dart into the hall and run past none other than the interview crew, tears streaming. Panicked, I chased after her. How much worse could it get, right?
“She’s just all choked up. An emotional day,” I lied, trying to play it cool.
If she were here, I’m sure my cousin Leah would tell me I was a lousy actor, and no one bought it. The situation worsened as I finally caught up, trying to de-escalate.
“Ingrid, you’re wrong. I am sorry I spoke harshly. My tone didn’t match my intent.”
I reached for her—to pull her close and assure her everything was alright.
Instead, she pulled back as if I might strike her. It wounded me. She was so stubborn. Sometimes, I hated to grovel but never wanted her to fear me.
“Ingrid, I will not plead with you to accept my words at face value. You either trust me or— “
“Or what? You’re leaving?”
I took a deep breath, resisting the urge to shout. We hadn’t argued like this in ages—months. If I raised my voice again, she’d lock herself in a room for a day, and I would have to work overtime to get into her good graces.
“I was not going to say that. Let’s take a step back. We both need a minute.”
I spied my aunt coming around the corner. Ingrid spun, brushing past her with a slight bow and raced off to the guest wing where she dressed this morning. The look on Aunt Natalie’s face showed she did not buy what I was about to try to sell otherwise.
“Walk with me,” she said sternly.
I wasn’t going to argue. It would get me nowhere.
“What happened?”
“We had a moment in front of the interviewer that got rather awkward. Ingrid was too forthcoming when asked about children. Then she said she only said it because she was lying to cover up my indecision about children. And then, when I tried to talk her down, I did the opposite. I raised my voice, she overreacted, and now I’m in the doghouse. ”
“A moment?”
“She pushed back against the question, confirmed we wanted children, and then insisted there were a million things governing when we’d have them—including her bloody competition schedule!”
“Was any of what she said wrong?”
“No, but it is not what people wish to hear. They will view her as selfish. And the fact that they don’t recognise that—"
“It’s on them. Your future wife has important things on the horizon. She’s an athlete with other priorities to think about. It’s to be expected.”
“But is she really?”
My aunt glared. “I should smack the shit out of you for that, Keir!”
“Sorry. That’s not what I meant. I would never say that to her.”
“Your issue is you see her work as cute. You don’t understand that pregnancy can be so cruel to one’s body and that recovery can take years—especially when something goes wrong.”
“I think she does that to control when we have children. And it’s for her benefit.”
“Last I heard, you weren’t incubating children, yes?”
“Not possible, no.”
“Then it’s ridiculous to think your opinions of when to have them matter more than hers, right?”
I never thought about it that way. “Yes, sure. You make a valid point. Auntie, she’s using it to ensure we have children quickly. What if I just want to enjoy married life?”
“Is that what you’ve discussed?” My aunt’s incredulous look said she read through my bullshit and grew tired of my excuses.
“Well, I said I was ready for children, but I didn’t specify I wanted them right fucking now, Auntie!”
“So, what you read as ambiguous, she reads as a bait-and-switch that once more puts her career on the back burner.”
“Everything I do, I am doing for her. I am at Ingrid’s service. I am well aware of all the sacrifices she made to love me through all of that time away. But that doesn’t mean I am putting her in a bind. It’s quite the opposite. If we just waited—”
“So, you can derail her prospects of making the British Eventing Team?”
“Is it so serious? She’s already made the Olympics once— “
“That team is more competitive. She will have to work twice as hard after having a baby. You do not get it. She’s not out to control you. She understands her obligations better than anyone. She has to produce heirs.”
“This is not the 1500s, and last I checked, Cecilia still hasn’t produced children three years in.”
“Cecilia is harangued by everyone—including her father—over it. Ingrid knows all about it. All the girls talk. I know it’s fucking soul-crushing.
I couldn’t have children for years. I accepted that even if the press never did.
Have some fucking compassion for Ingrid’s unique level of press fuckery.
I know you have your own worries about children and mortality but see it from her perspective.
Her time is not finite. You spent years being selfish about your schedule, and she waited on you.
She compromised. You must do the same. That is how a marriage works.
And do not get down on yourself. You are a grown-ass man and more than capable of such things. ”
Her tone biting, she put me on my ass.
“I am trying, but she does not trust me. She brought up the break-up once more. She thinks she can throw that out there.”
My aunt softened and patted my cheek sweetly.
“This is the hard part for you both. That girl was born with an abandonment complex, and it has only worsened. When you left her, it made a mark. You never thought about it. Your own abandonment complex hits, and you project these things onto one another. You must keep trying and learn to fight more productively.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“You need to talk to one another. And you mustn’t always raise your voice.
That is your knee-jerk reaction. I think you get it from your mother.
She has a temper. I can relate as I do the same.
Your father could always ride it out and not take it so personally.
Lars and Ed are similar and less prideful—grey rocks.
Your future wife is just as competitive and twice as prideful as you most days.
Hard to believe, I know! So, when you shout at her, she shuts down and thinks you are trying to one-up her.
The two of you need to learn how to manage conflict. ”
I hadn’t considered that. I needed to make it up to her. Aunt Natalie was right. Ingrid and I had to devise ways to stop our arguments from being big blow-ups. For now, a willingness to work at it would have to be enough.