Chapter 38 Thea
THEA
It’s been a couple days since I bonded with Keelan and it feels like a dream.
Both in the sense it’s been so nice but I’m also waiting for reality to come crashing in.
Funnily enough we haven’t had sex since that first time, which I’m actually okay with.
There’s been lots of cuddles. Keelan loves it and it just proves what a teddy bear he really is.
Of course something more than cuddles has happened, especially when we tend to our bond marks a few times a day.
It was clear from the start they are extremely erogenous zones now.
But nothing more than intense making out has happened.
It’s funny because after we admit our feelings, immediately bond, we somehow end up taking things slow after that.
It’s crazy to think how much has changed in a short time.
I’m essentially moved into the pack house now, but I don’t feel fully settled.
Maybe it’s something that will come with time, but knowing myself I think I’m waiting for something bad to happen that will upend everything.
I keep having to remind myself to stop running and be present.
Keelan has helped a lot, whenever he feels my anxiety filtering through the bond, he sends a wave of love and reassurance.
Today he decided to try and do some work in his shop for a few hours. I feel weird just hanging out in his room without him. So I wander the house and end up outside Parker’s office, remembering that fluffy cloud-like chair he has. Knocking on the door I hear a faint, “Yeah.”
Walking in, I notice he has his lights in a purple and pink color mode. The only other light source comes from his many computer screens. He hasn’t turned around, still working away. Maybe I shouldn’t bother him.
“Hey,” I say tentatively, causing him to turn around. He looks surprised to see me. Not sure why, he’s seen me plenty these couple of days.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, does something have to be wrong for me to visit you?” I ask genuinely since it seems like he does expect that. It’s felt odd between us. When we’re with the whole pack he’s his bubbly energetic self, but when we’re alone he seems a lot more reserved and hesitant.
His brows raise in surprise as he replies, “No of course not. I just didn’t expect you to want to come by here. Unless you wanted to make another secure call?”
Walking over to where he’s seated at his desk, I explain, “I came by because I wanted to see you, no other reason.” Placing my hand in his, I give two squeezes. Our unofficial code it seems. His stiff posture relaxes at that.
“Oh…okay.” He rubs at the back of his neck with his other hand.
“Give me a couple minutes to wrap something up and we can relax for a bit in the chair.” He gestures to the fluffy chair at the other end of the room.
Squeezing his hand another two times, I go over to the chair.
I push the giant ottoman up against it, making it more like a bed in size. Perfect for stretching out.
Liam and Eli had gone to my place that first day and brought me nearly my whole wardrobe.
I don’t know what they think women need for a few days but they covered all the bases and then some.
Even though I’ve basically been living in sweatpants or leggings and Keelan’s shirts.
Having his scent around especially on a day like today when he’s working for some time helps.
Liam said this clinginess and tending to the bonds should only last about three to four days so we’re almost through it.
Parker coming over interrupts my thoughts.
He looks unsure about joining me in the chair.
I pat the open spot next to me, which seems to be the permission he needed.
He’s wearing a graphic t-shirt and sweats as well.
Once he’s settled with his legs stretched out, I move over closer to his side and cuddle into his chest. His whole body freezes.
“Sorry, I’ll move over.”
“No it’s fine, more than fine. I just didn’t expect it.” I look at him curiously. We need to talk and check in. He said the other day he wanted to bond but it’s like he doesn’t expect it or want it.
Knowing him I think this conversation would be better if we weren’t looking at each other.
Moving back to my initial position, resting my head on his chest. Even from the right side of it I can hear his heart racing.
I interlock my fingers with his and squeeze twice.
“I care about you Parker, a lot. You said you wanted to bond at some point. But sometimes I wonder if you truly feel anything more than friendship. It’s fine if you do, no pressure.
There’s other times it seems like more between us and I guess I’m a little confused. ”
His hand is squeezing mine tightly. “I do…I…” he starts then stops, as if he’s trying to find the right words. Squeeze. Squeeze. I’m in no rush.
“I meant what I said. You already have me, bonding would be an added bonus—one I’m not sure is a realistic possibility.
” I fight every instinct to sit up and look at him.
Why would he think that? I mean I know I’ve been super slow at this whole courting thing but they all said they understood my reasonings.
He continues, “Our ex.” A growl erupts from me. “Yeah she was not very nice, I guess you heard some of the stories. Did anyone tell you how she was with me?”
Eli did in the most basic sense. “Just that she didn’t want a relationship with you for superficial reasons.”
A hollow laugh escapes him. “Yeah that’s the gist of it. But even the guys didn’t know the worst, not until we started going to group therapy after everything.” He stops, taking a few deep breaths.
“She didn’t just reject any possibility of a relationship, even friendship.
When she was up here visiting, whenever she saw me she was never short of a snide comment on my weight.
I tried to just befriend her when it was clear she wasn’t interested in me romantically, because most of the pack seemed to be falling for her and I didn’t want to be the reason they lost out on a love like that.
“I texted her trying to get to know her or just asking about her day. You know normal small talk, as painful as it is, especially for me. She used it as an opportunity to forward me videos and links to diets and workout routines. Eventually I blocked her number without telling anyone. That was about three months into the six months-long courtship. She realized what I did later on, before we found out she was cheating, and acted all hurt to Eli. He chewed me out for being so heartless and not making an effort to get to know our omega.”
Eli did that? I would’ve expected it to be Micah.
I don’t interrupt as he continues, knowing well enough myself how you just need to say everything all at once so you can close that door again.
“The last couple months of the courtship were rough. The three of us who she didn’t favor, Keelan, Ben, and me pulled away from the pack.
They didn’t really notice, not until after we found out the truth about her.
I was so relieved when that happened. I thought foolishly that the pack would go back to how we were before she ever entered our lives. ”
He pauses. Squeeze. Squeeze. His hand is now almost limp in mine. I need to distract him from his thoughts. “That’s when Micah punched you?” I hear him suck in a breath. “Eli told me that part.”
“Yeah he did,” he says sullenly. “Keelan was immediately on Micah after that and it took Jake, Eli, and Liam to pull him off. Keelan had a lot to let out that was more about him than me in that moment, I think. But you should talk to him about that.” He’s the second person to say something like that.
What did this evil omega do to my teddy bear?
“So that’s why you think I don’t want to be with you, because of how you look?”
He scoffs, which surprises me. “Of course. I know I leave a lot to be desired in my physical appearance. Look at the rest of the pack, all thin and muscled to different degrees. I’m just a fat homebody.”
Okay that’s it, I can’t take it anymore.
I sit up so I can look at him square in the face.
I know the thoughts he’s having I’ve been fat my entire life.
It wasn’t until college that I started loving my body and embracing it.
So I know whatever I say to compliment him, he’ll think I’m just saying it to make him feel better and don’t actually mean it.
That was me in high school. This needs a different strategy to get it through to him.
“So you find me unattractive then too?”
His eyes widen and mouth drops open. “What…I…no, of course not. Why would you think that?”
“You literally just said you’re unattractive because of your weight. So if that’s true for you, it must be true for me too, right?”
“No it’s different for you, you’re a woman, an omega.”
Sighing, oh Gods this alpha is testing me.
“First, women get a lot of shit for their weight regardless of designation. It took me years to be okay with my body and not care what others thought of me. Second, I am attracted to you, I have been since we first met. Trust me, I didn’t want to acknowledge the attraction to you or the others because of everything I’m feeling still about Connor. ”
“You can’t mean that, the others…”
I cut him off. “The others look how they look just as you and I do. I haven’t questioned any of the pack’s attraction to me because of my weight.
” I then inhale slightly. “Everyone who lives in a ‘bigger than normal’ body has their own journey and feelings. For me it was during college. I was finally sick of hating my body and letting it define me. It took a lot of work to overcome my own negative self-talk.”
His eyes light up at that term. “My therapist says that a lot, I need to work on my self-talk.”