Chapter 16
chapter sixteen
While getting coffee, I try my best not to agonize about the way Nate talked about sleeping next to me. The closer we get, the more uncomfortable he becomes.
And it’s killing me.
I’m still in a bad mood when I get two to-go cups and head back up to the room. When I get there, Nate is not only dressed, but is in the hallway talking to Trixie and Aaron.
No sign of the discomfort is on his face. At least he’s moved past it.
“Coffee delivery,” I say as I walk up.
“Hi!” Trixie greets me. “We were just talking to Nate about our plans. Are you excited about the port today?”
I haven’t even thought about it.
“Yeah,” I reply. “Which one is it again?”
“Montego Bay,” Aaron says. “It’s got the clearest water. I was seeing if Nate wanted to go snorkeling with us, but he mentioned you two have other plans.”
“Boo,” Trixie says. “We’d love to have you join us, but Nate mentioned water isn’t your favorite thing or something.”
“Which is weird because we’re on water. ”
“Right,” I say. “I don’t always make sense, but no need for Nate to miss out on something like that. You should go.”
“What?” he asks. “But?—”
“I’m gonna hang out here,” I reply. “Catch up on some sleep.”
Nate frowns. “I can still hang out with you.”
“I’m good. Really. Some time alone would do me good. Have fun.” I take my coffee and turn on my heel to go into the room.
He follows me. “Maisie, what the hell?”
“What? You should go with them.”
“I said I was spending this time with you.”
“I don’t need to be around anyone right now,” I say. And it’s mostly true. I feel raw over how we woke up, but I don’t want to fight. “Yesterday was ... bad. I need time to myself. So, please go have fun. You like Aaron and Trixie.”
“You really need time away?”
I make myself nod. “Yeah. It’ll be good.”
Nate’s frown deepens and I don’t understand why. He should want this space away from me.
“Fine. Just stay in contact.”
“Will do. Now go catch up with them.” I open the door for him to go and only let my shoulders slump when I’m alone.
It’s for the best. By the time he’s back, I’ll have my head on straight.
I try to sit on the bed and pull out my Kindle, but everything in this room is a reminder of how I woke up. When I have to reread the same page for the fourth time, I groan and decide to leave.
The spa is open even though we’re at port, and after still struggling to read, I waste no time going inside.
I’m a creature of habit, so I get the same package I did the last time I was here. As I get a massage and go into the sauna, I wait for the moment that I forget about Nate.
It doesn’t come.
Frustration blooms within me as I sit in the warm air. I’m tempted to go back to the room and sleep it off when I discover I’m not the only creature of habit on the boat.
“Okay, this is getting weird.” Scarlett puts her hand on her hip. “Are you following me?”
“Not intentionally.”
“I’m surprised you’re not out on an excursion,” she says. “Or that your friend isn’t here.”
I shrug. “He can’t really be here. And he’s out with some friends.”
“You sound happy about that.”
“I’m the one who sent him,” I say. “I’m fine with it.”
Scarlett hums and sits next to me. I know she’s having thoughts, ones I probably don’t want to know, and I try to keep from asking.
“Did you hear that someone fell off the dock yesterday?”
I freeze. I hoped she would change the subject, but she came to the worst possible topic to discuss.
“Uh, yeah. I definitely did, considering it was me.”
Her jaw drops. “What? It was you?”
“Yep. Another trauma to add to the list.”
“I heard someone had to rescue you.”
“That was Nate.”
“Oh my God. Was it as heroic as people said it was? I heard he dove in after you and everything.”
“I was trying not to drown, so I have no idea.”
“Can you not swim or something?”
I grimace. “Uh, no. I can’t. I’m terrified of water, actually.”
“Hang on a second.” Scarlett blinks at me. “You’re scared of water and you’re on an island cruise?”
“Yeah. Not my finest choice ever. This whole thing was for my ex and I regretted it the second we weren’t together. Nate promised me he would make sure I was safe, which is why I came. He did his part.”
“He really did. So, when did this fear of water start?”
“I was a kid. I almost drowned in a pool. Probably the typical way to develop a fear.”
“You’d be surprised,” she says. “Some people just have an innate fear of things. I can’t believe you’re even here, to be honest. Being afraid of something and facing it? I usually have to push my patients for it.”
“I’m not facing anything.”
“Are you not scared at all?”
“I am.”
“Then you’re working on it.” She smiles. “Which is more than most people do.”
“There’s no work. I’m just scared every time I step on a dock. God, it’ll probably be worse now.” I sigh. “Great.”
“Fear doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what it means.”
Scarlett twists her lips. “Do you take your fear as a warning, Maisie?” Her voice is deeper now, and I wonder if this is how she sounds when she’s with a patient.
“That’s what it means, right? It’s to protect us.”
“Historically, yes. But these days, it sometimes spirals out of hand. Our brains want to protect us from things that are perfectly normal to experience. Like water.”
“I can’t swim,” I remind her. “I have a real reason to be afraid of water.”
“Absolutely, but you could learn. Water might pose a risk, but it’s not always dangerous if you learn how to handle it.”
“There’s no way I can learn how to handle water.” I shake my head. “I just can’t.”
“I’m not saying you have to. But other than this cruise, do you avoid the water? ”
“Like the plague.”
“Is there anything else you avoid when you’re scared?” she asks.
Her words slice right through me. There’s a lot I’ve avoided. My issues with Nate. My issues with Rob. I couldn’t even face Rob after I dumped him.
“A-are you sure you’re not gonna bill me? This seems like a therapy session.”
She blinks, her cheeks coloring. “Oh, sorry. I don’t mean to pry into your life. I kinda went on autopilot there.”
“No, it’s okay. I don’t think you’re wrong. It’s just hard to hear.”
“Still, consent is important in therapy. When people come to me with issues and sit in my office, that’s at least more of an agreement than I’ve gotten from you. I really don’t mean to go into therapist mode.”
“My problems are just irresistible, huh?” I ask.
“A little, but I’ll leave you alone now.” She turns away from me and the conversation ends.
My mind still circles on what she said, though.
Despite me wanting to move on, I can still remember how awful it felt to be in the water.
I can remember the helplessness I had as a result of me never going near it.
I hate to even think about going back, but avoiding the water like I have my entire life put me in danger.
I’m not sure what would’ve happened if Nate hadn’t pulled me out.
Nate isn’t always going to be around me. Hell, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even want to be. So, I need to know how to save myself should I ever be in that kind of position again. I’ve spent my life avoiding the things that terrify me.
But am I any better for it?
“Scarlett,” I say quietly. “Should I be facing my fears?”
Her eyebrows raise. “Do you want to?”
“I don’t know. But avoiding them clearly hasn’t gotten me anywhere. And I mean that with ... a lot of things in my life. ”
“Like what?”
“Like my ex,” I say. “I didn’t confront him. I let things go when I should’ve thought about it. And now I feel like I wasted a decade of my life. I don’t want that.”
“Then you could try facing something. Try getting past it.”
I consider it. “Maybe I should try to learn to swim.”
“Oh, wow. You’re going for that one.” She laughs. “Is that the easiest one?”
“All of them are bad. But I’m on a boat with a ton of pools. It’s like fate wants me to deal with this one. And Nate knows how to swim. He’d love to teach me.”
“Do you feel safe enough around Nate to face a fear with him?”
“Yes,” I say immediately. “He’s the only one I could do this with.”
“Interesting.”
Glancing over at Scarlett, there’s a smile on her face. It’s the smile, the one Trixie had.
“Please, no. Not you too.”
“Do you know how you two look?”
I wince. “I do, but it’s not like that.”
“Maybe it isn’t. But is that because you don’t want it, or because you’re scared?”
I shake my head. “Scarlett, we’ve always been friends. That’s what we’ll always be.”
“You don’t only have friendly feelings,” she says. “I was there when you realized it.”
“I’m over that.”
She rolls her eyes. “You are not . Look at me right now and say you feel nothing.”
I don’t even try. I know I’m lying.
“He doesn’t feel the same way,” I reply. “I know that.”
“And how do you know that?”
I think about this morning and how upset he was waking up with me, and the way he slips and lets me touch him, but it makes him tense every time. “There’re a lot of signs. And we’re supposed to be using this trip as time together. I keep ruining it with these thoughts.”
“He’s really important to you, isn’t he?”
“ So important.”
She pauses, and I wonder if she’s about to do the thing that everyone does—tell me to get over it.
“Then I get it.”
I blink. “Really? That’s all you’re gonna push?”
“Nothing good comes from forcing someone to see what you want them to see. And you do know about your feelings. That’s the first step, and the hardest one. There’s only one thing to do.”
“And what’s that?”
“Not be dense to what he feels.”
“There’s no way I could be. He’s making it clear.”
Scarlett purposefully keeps her face level. “You know him best.” I have a feeling she sees it a different way, but she’s wrong. There’s no way he thinks anything else. “So, you’re facing your fear of water.” She changes the topic with ease. “Think you’ll be going in?”
“No idea. I don’t think I can without a swimsuit.”
“Well, we are at a port that’s known to have shops.”