Chapter 17
chapter seventeen
We barely get back on the ship in time. The second my phone connects to the Wi-Fi, I have multiple texts from Nate asking if I’m okay. I curse when I see them and immediately run back to the room, dragging my bags with me.
Nate’s on me from the second I open the door. “Maisie, what the hell?” he asks. “Where have you been?”
“I may have gotten off the boat for a little bit.”
He blinks and finally notices that I have bags with me. “Seriously? You said you would be here.”His voice carries a hurt that stabs me like a knife.
“I did say that. But then I ran into Scarlett in the spa and had a very good conversation about life, and then we decided to go shopping.”
“In the spa?” he asks. “I thought you needed time alone. Or was that just time alone from me?”
“No!” I say immediately. “I thought time alone would help, and then it didn’t, so I went to the spa. Which is mostly alone. Running into Scarlett was a total accident.”
Nate’s jaw tics and he speaks slowly. “And throughout all of that, you never sent me a text? ”
“I didn’t think about it. And you were busy.” The excuse sounds weak to my own ears. It hits me that we’re fighting and I have no idea what to do. The only experience I have with fighting is with Rob.
“Right,” Nate says. “So you not only told me you’d keep in contact, but you went onto the same island as me and didn’t consider I might want to come? Really nice, Maisie. I love that.”
Tears immediately spring into my eyes. My stomach is in my ass. I’ve never forgotten him like this before. “Nate, I’m so sorry. There was really no plan for any of this, and I should’ve stopped for a moment and considered you.”
It comes from the heart and I do mean it. But when people are mad, apologies take a while. I fully expect Nate to snap or tell me he’s too mad to talk and to walk away from me to calm down.
But at my words, he takes a deep breath and his shoulders loosen.
“I was really worried about you, berry. Can you please try to communicate next time?”
I blink. That’s it? We’re having a fight and he’s not continuing it? He’s simply asking me to do something different if it happens again?
If only Scarlett were stalking us. I’d love to get her opinion on this.
“Of course,” I say. “Seriously, I’ll be better. That was on me, and I wasn’t thinking clearly. She offered for me to try something ... scary with her, and I was more focused on that.”
“Something scary? Like go on the dock?”
“That, and shopping for something for a new goal of mine.” My hands tighten. “But you’re still mad at me, so we can talk about it later?—”
Nate holds his hand up, which makes me shut my mouth. “I don’t stay mad long. Not at you.”
“You should. I feel terrible about it. ”
“Which means you probably won’t do it again.” He gives me half a smile. “You’d never hurt me intentionally.”
“Hopefully not unintentionally either,” I add. “I would feel awful if I did.”
He pauses for a moment, eyes going distant as he thinks about it. “That ... is a part of life, berry.”
“Wait, have I? When? What did I do?”
He shakes his head. “It’s nothing you can control. Trust me, it’s not.”
“But—”
“All I ask is that you please don’t avoid me. I can’t take that.”
I nod immediately. “I won’t. I promise. And what I want to do involves you anyway, so it definitely won’t happen again.”
“And what do you wanna do?”
“I want to learn how to swim.”
Nate rears back. “What?”
“That’s what Scarlett and I talked about. Water is a thing I’m gonna have to deal with. And you’re not always going to be there to catch me if I fall.”
“I’m a little insulted after I saved you yesterday.” The tone I don’t like is back.
“Not like that. I know you’ll always catch me if you’re around, but when I was in there, I was helpless . I didn’t know what I was doing or how to get up.”
“You were scared.”
“I don’t wanna drown because I’m scared,” I say. “I want to be ... brave and see if I can beat this.”
He pauses. “You want to intentionally traumatize yourself to be brave?”
“Fear isn’t always a bad thing, but if you hadn’t saved me, I would have drowned. I’m not saying this’ll be fun, but I need to know how to save myself. I can’t keep avoiding things.”
“Is Scarlett putting you up to this?”
“Not really. She asked me if I felt up to it, and honestly, I never will. But I can do it when you’re with me. Which is why I’m asking you to help me.”
“Me?”
“You’re my safe person. If anyone can get me out of my head and into the water, it’s you.”
He considers it, but his eyebrows are pinched. “It didn’t go well when we tried before.”
“We were kids,” I say with a shake of my head. “This time I’m choosing it.”
Nate sighs. “Yeah, I see why you blacked out this afternoon and didn’t text me. You’re really considering this?”
“I even bought a swimsuit. I’m serious about it.”
Nate’s eyes widen. “I can tell.”
“Please at least consider it.”
“I am. But we need ground rules. This is ... a decent idea, but I’m worried about what this is gonna do to you.”
Considering the thought of facing my fear makes me want to run for the hills, I still nod. “I know. It’s not gonna be pleasant for either of us. And I’m not saying that I try to conquer it immediately, just take steps to. Like getting close to the water to get used to it.”
“So, going slow. That I can agree to.”
“Yes!”
“ But, ” he says slowly. “I don’t want you to feel like you did yesterday, okay? That was ... I can’t take that again. Or the aftereffects.”
The aftereffects. Like me cuddling with him.
Ouch.
I push the thought away. I don’t need to spiral again when I’ve already messed up enough for one day. Instead, I nod. “I’ll stop before I get afraid.”
“You’ll be afraid the whole time.”
“Okay, true.” I cross my arms. “What if we have a safe word? Like if it’s too far, I say it and we stop. ”
He goes pale at the mention of a safe word, but eventually, he nods. “All right. That’s also a decent idea.”
“If I say the word ...” I consider it. “Obi Wan, then we stop.”
“Your safe word is a Star Wars character?” He shakes his head. “If Scarlett is the one who made you see the light, I’m gonna be pissed.”
“She didn’t, but a safe word should be something that never comes up in conversation, and I would never bring Star Wars up.”
“Yeah, I know.” He rolls his eyes. “But that’s a good word. We’ll do this.”
“How tired are you?” I ask. “Because we could get started right now.”
He sighs. “Snorkeling is not for the weak, but I’m alive. The panic is what got me.”
“Sorry,” I say again. “We can wait.”
“No, let’s do this. I have enough energy to spare.”
I eye him. “Are you sure about that?”
He does look tired. I wonder how tiring snorkeling could actually be. “Today was a day, but I wanna spend time with you. And that includes helping you conquer your fear, so let’s go.”Finally, he smiles at me and gestures to the door.
My body nearly melts in response. I can’t stand it when he’s mad. I’d much rather have this side of him.
“Good. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but let’s go to the pool.”
My bravery wanes the second we’re on the pool deck. I can see the bottom, and the water’s clear—already seemingly better than what I fell into the day before—but just the sight of it sets me on edge.
“We can turn back at any time.” Nate hasn’t even pulled his shirt off yet. I have a feeling he doubts that I’ll get close. “There’re plenty of other things to do on the boat, you know.”
“I’m doing this.” I take a shaky breath. I have to force my feet to move. The pool deck is decently busy, especially since we’re about to leave port.
Within a few feet, my body starts to lock up, so I stop and stare at the water.
“You’re doing good.” Nate’s voice is soft, and I have no doubt that he’s his usual distance away. With his long arms, he could easily reach me if I fell in. But I still want him closer.
No. I’m not thinking about that right now. I need to focus on my fear of the water and getting over it.
There’s a nearby lounge chair, so I walk over to it and take my shoes off. When I get done with that, I slowly creep toward the edge of the pool.
I’m only at the shallow end. Even though I can see the bottom, the water looks like it could be endless. My fists tighten and my breathing speeds up. Suddenly, this seems like a terrible idea.
But being afraid doesn’t mean I need to turn away. I have to remember that.
Nate’s hand lands on my arm. “Obi Wan?”
“N-not yet. Let me get closer.”
“This is the closest you’ve ever gotten to a pool since we were kids. It’s a big step.”
“I can do more.”
“Would it help if I go with you?”
Nate’s hand is still on me, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that it would. I don’t want to admit that I need him because it’s going to hurt when he inevitably puts distance between us again.
I give him a jerky nod and he moves from being behind me to by my side. His hand stays on my arm as I inch closer to the pool.
“Try sitting,” he offers. “It’s a little less scary when you’re not standing over the edge.”
I back up before sitting on my butt and scooching toward it. Nate’s right. It’s marginally less scary, but I still feel like I’m inching my way toward my own death.
I have to stop when I’m sitting cross-legged at the edge of the pool. That’s more progress than I’ve made in many years.
“Would it make it worse if I got in?” Nate asks. He put on his swim trunks when we came out here just in case he had to dive in to save me. I knew I wouldn’t be going far, so I gave the excuse that I needed to wash mine, so I’m in my normal clothes.
I shake my head in response and he finally lets go of me to hop into the water. He does it like it’s natural, with no fear of what could happen. The water doesn’t even come up to his hips, which makes me feel like an idiot for being so terrified of this.
Nate’s nearly at eye level and his face interrupts my stare at the water.
“You good?”
While looking at him, I am. That’s the power he has over me. The power I don’t know how long he’s had. “I’m okay. This is just a lot worse than I thought it would be.”
“You’ve done a lot. More than I thought you’d be willing to. I’m really proud of you, berry.”
I know he has his reservations about this, but I also know he’ll let me do whatever I need in order to get over this. That’s the thing about him. He can push, but he can also offer quiet support.
Keeping my eyes on him, I decide to go one step farther. I slowly uncurl my legs and look him in the eye as I dip my feet into the water.
“Holy shit. You good?”
“I’m fine.” My voice shakes. “Freaking out, but fine.”
“Look at you go.”
The pride in his voice makes me tempted to continue. I like it when he has that warm tone to him. But I know I’m at my limit. Even the water being over my feet is terrifying.
It’s warmer than I expect. And having my feet completely submerged in it feels odd. I don’t know how my own limbs work or how to make sure I move correctly in water. That’s how I’ve almost drowned far too many times.
My moment of triumph is interrupted by a group of guys at the other end of the pool.
“Cannonball!” one of them yells as he launches himself into the water. Ripples erupt from where he disappears and I yank my feet out.
“Obi Wan,” I say. “That was enough.”
“They’re rowdy,” he says with a sigh. “You still did good, though.”
“You could stay,” I say. “You just got in.”
“Surprisingly, I’ve had enough water for the day. Mind if I shower and then we get dinner?”
“Dinner sounds good. And I can hear about how snorkeling went.”
He laughs. “That will be one hell of a story.”