Chapter 19
chapter nineteen
The best part about having a fear of the water is that no one has ever seen me in a swimsuit.
When I get to the pool deck and see that’s about to change, I’m tempted to scrap the entirety of this idea and go back to bed.
I’m already slightly wet, since I did a quick wash of the swimsuit before I came out here and didn’t have time to dry it. And my discomfort makes it even harder to take off my clothes and expose myself.
“Are you ready?”
“No.” I say it immediately. “What if you get in first?”
“And leave you to do it all by yourself? Absolutely not.”
It was worth a try.
“Fine,” I mutter as I finally take off my shorts and tank top.
The first thing I feel is wind. It hits the skin of my stomach and legs, and I’m tempted to curl inward to avoid it.
But I refuse. I know I look good in this. I’m not chickening out now.
That’s when I notice Nate’s watching.
His eyes have gone wide and he’s looking at every single inch of me. This isn’t the fond gaze he gave me when I took my hair down. This is hungry , like he wants me.
My stomach flips just as he shakes himself out of it.
“Shall we?” he offers. His voice is off. It sounds breathless.
I stare at him for a second, trying to make sense of his reaction. He doesn’t want to touch me ... but he looks at me like that ?
I’m confused.
“Berry?” he asks again. “Are we swimming today?”
“Uh, yeah. Let’s do this.”
My confusion is the only reason I’m able to get to the pool without panicking. This time, I move to the edge before I remember what I’m doing and how much I hate the water.
But when it starts, it takes over. I freeze almost immediately.
“How are you feeling?” Nate asks. “If you need to pull an Obi Wan, I’m sure we can find something to do.”
I need to pull an Obi Wan on my whole brain at this point.
“I’m terrified. Why do people do this for fun?”
“No idea. I think humans are very prideful. They love to do things that can kill them.”
I let out a shaky laugh and reach out to grip the handrail. Oh, this is going to be terrible .
“Go slow,” he says. “There’s no rush here.”
My life would be so much easier if I could shove all of my fears into a box to get over them. That goes for things that aren’t just the pool. But my fear makes itself known, so I pause and stand just two steps into the water.
“You okay?”
“Y-yeah.” My hand tightens on the railing. “Thank God this is an adults-only cruise. I think kids would have pushed me in by now.”
“What is with kids and loving pool stairs?” he asks. “It’s so funny.”
I force myself to laugh before I look back down at the water. “ This is way worse than I thought. It looks like the pool I—” My breath hitches as I think back on it. I can’t even say it.
“Hey.” His voice is soft.
“I want to do this,” I remind him. “Please don’t tell me to turn back.”
“Okay.” He grabs my hands, making my heart skip a beat. “We’re gonna try something.”
All I can do is rely on humor. “If you throw me in, I’ll take you with me.”
He shakes his head. “I’d never do that. Did I tell you about the end-of-year dodgeball match that got me yelled at by admin?”
I blink. Just what is he going for? “You didn’t. Are you keeping secrets now?”
“Not intentionally. That was when wedding planning was on your mind.” He shrugs. “Now’s as good a time as any.”
He tugs me a little farther in and I squeak. I hold onto him so tightly that it feels like I could break his hands, but he doesn’t complain. “Okay, tell me about it.”
“Most of the kids were stressed with finals. Actually, all of us were. Have I ever told you it’s bullshit that I have to have some kind of final?”
“You have,” I reply. “It’s up there with the fact that you have to wake up early every day.”
“Exactly,” he says. “But you know how much we enjoyed dodgeball when we were kids.”
“ You enjoyed it. I got hit in the face and you yelled at Terrence McKay for it.”
Nate rolls his eyes. “Asshole had it coming. Anyway, apparently you can do something dodgeball-esque with foam balls and different rules. The kids loved it. The administrators didn’t. Wanna know what I called it?”
“What?”
“Cabbage Catch Kids.”
I sputter out a laugh. “ Nate! That is such a dad joke. ”
“They all thought it was so stupid. But they had fun. And no one got injured.”
I can see it now. A bunch of kids throwing foam balls at each other while yelling. It brings a smile to my face.
“Has anyone told you you’re a great gym teacher?”
“Most people think I’m mediocre at best.”
I roll my eyes. For as much as Nate likes to keep it light, he does care about his job and the kids he teaches. “Well, I would’ve loved to have you as my teacher.”
“As fun as that sounds, I prefer having you as my best friend. And if I were your teacher, I wouldn’t have been able to yell at Terrence.”
“True. I did enjoy that.”
“Oh, and berry?” He leans in. I lick my lips, unsure of what could possibly be on his mind. “You’re in the pool.”
I look down and realize he’s right. He’s slowly been tugging me farther and farther in. I was so focused on him that I barely noticed.
“Oh my God.” The fear chokes me up, but I push it away. My feet are on solid ground. I’m fine. I hate this, but I’m okay. “You’re a genius.”
“You love my stories from school. And you needed a distraction.”
“Well, no distraction is enough to make me forget the fact that I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.” I let out a sound between a laugh and a sob. “So, is this the part where you teach me how to swim so I don’t die?”
“This is the part where I try. Are you ready?”
“Absolutely not. What’s the first step?”
He shows me the way to move in the water.
Most of the time, I feel like I’m fighting every molecule around me, and any time I move my legs or feet, I don’t get anywhere.
Nate has to touch me to guide me into whatever position I’m supposed to be in, but being moved in the water usually makes me cling onto him like a fool.
Luckily for me, he’s a good sport about it.
“You’re doing good,” Nate says hours later.
“I feel like a rock. A rock that’s trying to sink to the bottom of the pool, and I’m failing miserably.”
“You’ve not sunk to the bottom of the pool once.”
“But I could, at any moment.”
“That brings us to our next lesson. How would you like to learn how to float?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “You mean there was a secret to floating this entire time and you didn’t tell me? What is it, some trick where you take a bunch of air in your lungs or something?”
“Not like you’re thinking,” he says with a shake of his head. “It’s where you can float on your back. You just have to position your body right and not move.”
He lies back, somehow staying above the water. I stare at him, wondering how he makes it look so easy. He only floats for a moment before he sits back up.
“The trick is to keep your feet elevated and your chest up. You’ll move a little bit up and down while you breathe, but it’s not as hard as you think.”
I grimace. “My face would be very close to the water.”
“I know. Are you feeling brave enough?”
I bite my lip. Am I ready for this? I’m not sure.
“Stay close to me.”
“Every time, berry.” He gets down in the water. “Just stay relaxed.”
There is not a future where I will ever be relaxed in the water, but I take a deep breath anyway.
“How do we do it?”
He shows me the movements before gently guiding me. I promise myself that I’ll be okay and then slowly lean back.
I almost think I have it and that I’ll be able to do this, but then water invades my ears, just like it invaded everything when I fell off the dock, and I spring up.
“Obi Wan! Obi Wan!” I flail in the water, and I’m pretty sure I’m about to go under when strong arms wrap around me.
It’s like the moment I was pulled out of the water all over again. I don’t have logic as I tighten my hold on Nate. I just want him close.
“Hey, it’s okay. You didn’t go under.” His voice is soft with a tone that’s like a balm soothing my erratic mind. “I caught you.”
“I—sorry.”
“It’s fine. You stopped when it went too far. That’s good.”
Slowly, my mind comes back online and I realize there’s way too much of my skin pressed to his. Hugging while clothed is something he’s not a fan of. He has to hate this.
I pull away abruptly, wiping the splatter of water from my face. “I think I need a nap,” I say. “And a shower. How about you have fun here while I do that?”
Nate’s brow furrows. “But we’re supposed to be hanging out together.”
“There’s not a lot of space for naps in the room. And you like being here. Just give me a few hours.”
I can tell he doesn’t like it, but I refuse to accept any other answer.
None of it makes sense. He wants to spend time with me, but the second I get too close, he pulls away. It’s frustrating, and I don’t know how to begin to parse through what’s happening.
What I really need is to get the fuck away from the pool and actually rest.
Then I can handle whatever the hell is going on.
Sleep doesn’t find me and I’m annoyed at myself. Rather than clearing my mind and dropping off the face of the earth for a few hours, I doomscroll on my phone and send pictures to Mom.
I’m so frustrated, but I feel like I’ve won the lottery when she video calls. I need a distraction, badly .
“There’s my favorite daughter!” Mom says.
“I’m your only daughter.”
“Still! Jeff, look at Maisie!” She shows me Dad, who’s doing a crossword. He gives me a glance before he returns to his puzzle.
“Huh. Your hair’s down,” he says.
I immediately run my fingers through it. “Uh, yeah. Vacation mode, right?”
“Looks cool.”
“I think it’s gorgeous!” Mom turns the phone back to her. “You’ve always had the best hair. And it’s so long!”
“Thanks,” I say. “I’m trying something new. And my scalp is feeling better.”
“Are you by yourself?”
I resist the urge to wince. I don’t want to think about Nate. “I am right now, but not overall. Nate’s at the pool.”
“I’m so glad you took him!” Mom laughs. “Are you having fun?”
“Y-yeah, of course. It’s just a little awkward.”
“How so?”
“You know, the honeymoon suites don’t have doors .”
Mom blinks. “No doors? Why would it have no door?”
“I told you that’s what the Peeking Suite meant, Judy.” Dad’s voice is flat, and my face immediately heats.
“ Anyway, ” I say. “We’ve made it work. Even though Nate has a thing against people touching him.”
Mom pauses. “Hates when people touch him? Is that a new thing?”
The pain in my chest is back, but now it’s expanding. “I ... I don’t think so. ”
“Really?” She hums. “You know, I’ve never noticed it before or anything. When did this start?”
“I mean ... it’s been a while.” I don’t have a date for it, but the fact that I don’t remember when it started tells me a lot. “Like years.”
“But he hugs me at every holiday party. And he always does the awkward hug your father does.”
“It’s manly,” Dad gripes.
I feel like I’ve fallen into the pool again. “Oh. Maybe he’s just in a weird mood then.”
“Maybe your mother just doesn’t know how to take a no. She’s blind to other people’s emotions, you know.”
“Rude.” Mom huffs. “Just ask him. And tell me if I’m accidentally making him uncomfortable, please. I’d hate to keep bullying him into hugs if he doesn’t wanna touch people!”
“Y-yeah. I’ll ask.”
“I won’t take you from your trip for long. Have fun and tell Nate to call me.”
I force a smile onto my face as she says her goodbyes.
But her words stick with me. I think about holidays when Mom is waiting by the door to give us all hugs. I’m usually first, but Nate is always the second one she goes for.
And Mom’s right. He never jumps away from her. He didn’t jump away from Aaron.
It’s just me.
I go through all of our photos on my phone. Most of them are with Nate, since he goes to almost every event with my family.
In family photos, he stands next to Mom or Dad. He seems to always have an arm slung around their shoulders as if it’s the most casual thing in the world. I have a few pictures of him with other people. Some are the girlfriends that he didn’t last long with. And some are with Quinn.
And in every single one, he stands closer to them than he does me .
My heart feels like it’s being pierced.
As I go through more and more photos, I realize that Nate doesn’t have an aversion to touching most people. In fact, in all of these photos, his smile is easygoing and happy.
It’s nothing like how he looks when I try to do the same thing. And as I swipe through more, going back years and years, I realize that it’s a pattern. It’s not that he hates touching friends, and from what I’ve seen, it’s not like he hates touching strangers either.
He hates touching me .
A text comes through from Nate telling me that he’s heading up. I immediately close the message, knowing I can’t face him until I get it together. I have no idea how to handle this. I just know I can’t at the moment.
I grab my bag and run out of the room, sending the fastest message to Scarlett.
I need a distraction and she mentioned dancing.
And I need to take her up on her offer. Anything is better than the realization that Nate doesn’t want to touch me.
Anything.