4. Bailey
CHAPTER FOUR
Bailey
NOW
I find my parents sitting on the back deck, their heads bent together as they exchange hushed words. The door squeaks, giving me away as both of them look toward me. Mom wipes her cheeks, but not fast enough to hide the fact she’s crying. She tries to recover by offering me a smile.
“Hi, Bailey. You want to come sit with us?” she offers, motioning to the open seats around the table. There’s a pitcher of lemonade, and a few stray glasses matching the one Mirabelle dropped when she saw me.
If I sat at the seat I used to call mine, I’d find the four little dots right in front of me from when I jammed a fork into the wood.
Hunter once bet me I couldn’t get it to stand up on its own, and there should be twin marks on the ceiling of the dining room where I dared him to throw a fork trying to make it stick.
Instead, I opt to sit in the chair across from them. I remember it being Mira’s, but who knows who might sit here now. It appears the family dynamic kept changing after I left, but I shouldn’t have expected anything else.
My stomach is twisting in knots under the scrutiny .
“So,” I start, wincing when I realize I actually have no idea what I’m going to say. I buy myself a moment clearing my throat. “I guess I should thank you for not changing the code to the gate.”
I take the opportunity to really look at my parents, noting the changes I didn’t see earlier, and I’m floored by the difference in their appearances. For the first time, it dawns on me they’re growing older and won’t be here forever. It only makes the roots of my guilt burrow deeper inside me.
Dad’s hair is more salt than pepper, and he looks tired. Mom’s blonde hair is longer again, and the lines on her face seem more noticeable.
“We didn’t change it because we wanted you to have a way in if you ever decided to come home,” Dad admits, and calling it “home” causes a lump to form in my throat. I’m not sure I deserve to have this as my home after the mistakes I’ve made.
“Thank you,” I say, maintaining our eye contact, but it takes effort. I’ve carried the regret for how I treated him those last six months with me every single day. I thought he deserved it, but I was wrong. I was wrong about everything.
The shame is what’s kept me away.
“I . . . maybe I shouldn’t ask this, but I can’t keep not knowing. Why did you leave, Bailey?” Mom asks, and I’m glad some things never change.
I’ve tried to put it into words a thousand times when I’d imagine this moment. I had it planned out, but now that I’m actually here face to face with my parents, admitting what happened won’t change anything. I can’t take any of it back, and all the truth will do is hurt them.
I’ve hurt them enough. I want to move forward for the time I’m here.
“I was angry—blinded by anger when I should’ve just talked to you. Leaving felt like the best option for everyone. I’m—” My voice cracks, and I feel like a kid for the first time in a long time. “I’m sorry I hurt everyone.”
Mom shakes her head, clasping her hands in front of her.
“You leaving was not the best option for anyone. We tried so hard to find you, but it was like you’d disappeared from the face of the earth.
We’re not perfect. I know we’ve made mistakes, but I’m so sorry you felt like you couldn’t come to us,” she says, mustering a smile, but her vibrant green eyes are watering.
“We never stopped looking for you.” Mom’s voice is hoarse now, and Dad reaches to cover her hands with his, holding them tight in silent support.
This is too much. Rehashing the past and reconciliation aren’t what I came here for.
I shove my emotions into the furthest part of my brain, slamming the door shut on the cage I’ve trapped myself in.
“Thank you for letting Javi and me stay here. I really appreciate it,” I say, but my head is spinning.
I don’t know what to think, but not being able to separate my thoughts from my feelings is where things always seem to go wrong for me.
“Bailey—” Mom begins to say, but Dad cuts her off.
“Of course. It’s still your home. It always will be.”
I jerk my head into a nod, standing up to retreat. “Excuse me,” I mumble, and I turn toward the doors when my wrist is grabbed. I whirl around, my brain automatically triggering the fight in fight-or-flight, and Mom’s eyes widen in surprise.
It’s a spur of the moment decision, but before I can stop myself, I pull her into a hug, breathing in the scent of her familiar perfume.
Mom’s arms fold around me, and I don’t let go.
I never thought I’d be able to do this again.
“Je t’aime tellement,” ? 1 she says, her voice strong and unwavering.
She’s always been reliable—the beacon shining true in a hurricane.
The use of French brings tears to my eyes, pulling me back to reality. The one where the only way I’ll be able to leave again is if I keep my distance and step out of the embrace I initiated, succumbing to my flight response.
My goal is to hide in my room, but I’m not sure if that’s the best option. I need to think and clear my head, but there are too many memories threatening to overpower my resolution to leave again once Javi is better.
I turn the corner quickly to go upstairs to find Javi when I run straight into Kaitlyn. I react again without thinking, steadying her before she can fall.
Kaitlyn’s doe eyes blink, her head tipping back to look up at me as she inhales a sharp breath.
“Hi,” she whispers, and the softness of her voice causes my head to ring.
She’s changed out of the rash guard she was wearing earlier, but the neckline of her crop top has slipped, teasing the orange strap against her tanned skin.
God, she’s fucking beautiful.
Kaitlyn’s dark hair is pulled back into a braid, her cheeks and the tip of her nose are rosy with the beginnings of a sunburn, and lastly, the full pink lips I shouldn’t be looking at that have haunted me for two years now.
She’s dating your brother.
“Sorry, wasn’t looking where I was going,” I mumble, removing my hands from where they’re lingering on her shoulders, despite how much I don’t want to. I’d like to make that clear, even if it’s only to myself.
“It’s okay,” Kaitlyn says, before tilting her head. “Are you okay?” she asks, fidgeting with the bottom of her shirt.
I can’t help the soft laugh that escapes me because no, I’m not okay. I’m so far from being okay I don’t know how I’ll ever find my way back. “I’ll be fine,” I force out, taking a step back to put space between us.
She hesitates, glancing upstairs where I assume my brother is. I’ve never known Kaitlyn to hesitate about anything, but I’ll add it to the growing list of things that’ve changed.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I’m afraid if you ask me, I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
“I don’t think Hunter would be very happy about that,” I say, making a point to bring him into the conversation for my own sake.
Kaitlyn frowns, her demeanor shifting. “You’re right. He probably wouldn’t, so it’s a good thing Hunt’s my boyfriend, instead of my keeper. I’m allowed to do what I want.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.” I try to backtrack, because all I was trying to do was remind myself she’s not mine.
“It’s been a while, but we’re still friends,” she says, giving me a smile that makes me forget every reason being alone with Kaitlyn is a bad idea.
I shouldn’t even be considering this, but I’ve never been able to tell her no. Except the one time I did, and I ruined everything.
“Do we have to stay in the house to do it?” I ask, feeling like I’m crawling out of my skin, caught in the landslide of mistakes I’ve made with no escape.
“We can walk on the beach if you want? You could bring . . . um, I’m sorry, I don’t know his name?”
“Javi,” I say, and her smile widens, making me feel dizzy again.
“Bring Javi with you, and we can look for shark teeth.”
All I can manage is a nod, stepping around her to find Javi, who hopefully isn’t still in the shower—but it wouldn’t shock me if he is.
Surprisingly, he’s in my room, already dressed—even though his shirt is on backward—going through my drawers .
“You find anything in there?” I ask, causing Javi to turn around, a bright smile on his face.
“This place is so cool!” His joy helps ease some of my anxiety.
“I’m glad you like it, but I have something to show you.”
“Are we leaving already? We just got here,” Javi protests, and I ruffle his damp hair.
“We’re staying, but I have something even cooler than my room for you to see.”
A small laugh slips from him, and he shuts the drawer of my desk, still filled with old pictures I’d taken.
“You’re going to stay with me, right?”
“I’m never going to leave you, Javi,” I promise, and he reaches to grab two of my fingers, holding them tight in his tiny fist.
I underestimated what it would be like to be near Kaitlyn again. How easily she makes me forget all the mistakes I’ve made and every reason I shouldn’t still want her. It’s temporary—all of this is temporary, even if it’s what I’ve spent the last two years dreaming of.
My parents aren’t sitting on the deck anymore when we walk down the stairs, and Kaitlyn is sitting on the top step of the stairs leading down to the beach.
“Who is that?” Javi asks, pulling on my hand.
“Her name is Kaitlyn, and she’s my friend,” I answer, trying not to overthink it. I glance down at him to offer a reassuring smile, and Javi’s dark eyebrows are bunched together.
“Like Luna?”
I smile at the reminder of the only other good thing to come out of the last three years. “Yeah, kind of like Luna.”
Kaitlyn turns, standing up, and I somehow manage to keep my jaw from falling at the sight of her long, tanned legs and the way they make her ripped denim shorts seem indecently short.
“You boys coming or not?” she says, directing a bright smile at Javi that I think I might be jealous of.
I remember when she used to smile at me like that.