4. Bailey #2
My legs are sore after the walk from the bus stop this morning, but the sounds of waves crashing and the smell of the ocean are a siren call I can’t resist.
Javi asks Kaitlyn a question, giving me a second to gather my thoughts, and it helps loosen the weight of the guilt sitting on my chest.
JJ has a sponsor for an unknown reason. My parents seem to be doing okay, but seeing them again has only hardened my resolve they don’t need to know the truth behind why I left.
I don’t know if JJ ever told them I was living on the streets, but JJ doesn’t even know how long I was.
It was a slip in the heat of the moment. He was never supposed to know.
How close do I let myself get to everyone while I’m back, if I know the pain when I leave again is inevitable?
I can’t stay.
I don’t fit into their adapted family, and while I can’t change the past, maybe this time I can give everyone closure instead of allowing them to hang onto this notion I’m going to stay. I’m afraid if they know I’m leaving, it’ll hurt any chance of Javi getting the help he needs.
My brain is moving at full speed, not even realizing Javi’s let go of my hand, and we’ve stopped walking. I think Kaitlyn says my name, and I clear the lump from my throat, blinking the mist from my eyes.
“He does this sometimes,” Javi says to Kaitlyn, and the salt in the air is thick.
“I know. B used to disappear into his head all the time,” she says, and I fight smiling.
Javi gasps. “You call him that too?”
“Everyone in his family does,” she says, casting a faint smile in my direction .
“Do you think we can find any shark teeth?” Javi asks, hopping around in the sand.
“Definitely.” Kaitlyn pulls her phone for a moment, a strange look flickering across her face before shoving it back in her pocket. “Bailey used to be a pro at finding the biggest tooth, but I bet you could beat him.”
“Can we swim too?” Javi asks, and Kaitlyn nods. He freezes, glancing at me. “Can I?”
I want to say no because he’s wearing his last pair of clean clothes.
I should’ve put his dirty clothes in my parents’ washer and dryer, but I didn’t think of it until now.
But as the little boy stares at me, waiting for an answer, I realize we’ve spent so long just surviving.
He deserves to know what living feels like.
“Yeah, buddy, but let’s take off your shirt first,” I say, and he tosses his arms up for me to help. Then I take off my own as Kaitlyn strips down to her swimsuit next to me. The gold earrings lining the outer part of her ear catch my eye as sunlight glints off them.
Javi jumps feet first into the water, and I follow behind, laughter spilling out of me as he wades in up to his knees. “I love the ocean,” he yells, and the next wave hits his waist, threatening to knock him over.
“Kait, you coming in?” I call back, letting myself enjoy the moment, but I feel my smile fade after noticing her expression.
Javi splashes, staying near me, and I follow her gaze to Javi’s bare back and arms, speckled with scars from cigarette burns.
I should’ve warned her, but it didn’t even cross my mind.
“I’m a shark,” Javi says, pulling my attention back to him to see his hands over his head like a dorsal fin as he moves closer to me, chomping his teeth. I’ll never take the trust he has in me for granted.
“I’m a bigger shark,” I tease, mimicking him, causing him to shriek in delight.
“You guys should play mermaids instead,” Kaitlyn suggests, and Javi is fascinated with the new game. It reminds me so much of my summers as a kid, playing the same games with my siblings and Kaitlyn.
We swim until he’s tired of playing mermaids, then walk further along the shoreline, hunting for shark teeth. Kaitlyn tells Javi how it’s better to look after a storm, but I don’t think he cares.
I sit in the sand, content to watch him hunt as the breeze coming off the water eases the heat and the sun climbs higher in the sky. Kaitlyn joins me after a few minutes, and I stay silent because I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing.
I think I’ve gotten too good at being quiet.
“He’s a funny kid,” she says, taking initiative.
“Javi’s great.”
I can feel her watching me, and I drag my hands through my short hair, glad I cut it before coming home. “How long were you living on the streets?” Kaitlyn asks, cutting right to the chase, and I shake my head.
“I wasn’t,” I lie straight through my teeth, and I feel horrible about it, but I don’t need anyone feeling bad for me.
“Don’t lie to me, B. We’ve never lied to each other before.” It doesn’t sound like she’s mad, but like she’s trying not to send me running in the opposite direction. “Javi told me he tried to steal from you, and it’s how you met.”
“Goddammit,” I swear under my breath. I thought I told him not to tell anyone anything, but I can’t blame him for telling Kaitlyn. I’m afraid of what I’ll tell her if she asks.
“I’ll make you a deal,” she starts to say, and my interest is piqued.
“Yeah?” I ask, turning to face her.
“I’ll answer any question you have honestly if you do the same with mine,” she says, pulling her braid over her shoulder, and I’ve never tried so hard to keep my eyes on someone’s face before.
Kaitlyn huffs a short laugh, and I look back at Javi, making sure he hasn’t wandered back into the water unattended.
“Don’t even try to pretend you don’t have questions of your own.
A lot has changed since you left,” Kait continues, and I hate how well she still knows me.
I should say no. I’m better off not knowing anything, but I do have questions. “Am I allowed to pass on any questions?” I ask, choosing my words carefully.
“I’ll give you one pass, and I’ll be nice by letting you go first to prove I’m not lying.”
My curiosity gets the better of me. I know what Marley said earlier, but I need to know. “Why does JJ have a sponsor?”
“Shit, you couldn’t start with something easier?
JJ would tell you if you asked, but a deal’s a deal.
” Kaitlyn gathers a fistful of sand before letting it fall through her fingers.
“His sophomore year at Beaumont, he tore his ACL and meniscus. I guess, with all the stress he was under, JJ got hooked on pain meds. No one realized. Last January, he and his best friend were hit by a guy who ran a red light, and JJ was the only survivor. He told everyone about his addiction in the hospital and went to rehab to get the help he needed. He’s been clean for seven months, though. ”
“He’s an addict?” I drag a hand over my face, trying to process the information.
I saw plenty of addiction on the streets in New York. It’s hard to think of JJ going through the same thing, and I had no idea. Hell, people offered me drugs when I’d . . . I shove the thought to the back of my mind, locking it behind the door it needs to stay behind. Those days are over.
“Yeah,” Kaitlyn says, and it makes more sense now why his girlfriend and our dad were monitoring JJ earlier. “How long were you on the streets?” she asks, and I tap my fingers on my knee, trying to do something with my nervous energy.
This was a stupid deal to make.
I look out at Javi, still searching for shark teeth.
“I don’t really know if I’m being honest. A lot of the days and weeks faded together, but I wasn’t on the streets the whole time.
Sometimes I could get into a shelter, but I always felt like there was someone who deserved to be there more than I did.
” I’d give anything to forget those first few months of solitude, but they haven’t stopped haunting me in nightmares.
Javi was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me, and I owe him everything.
“Bailey . . .” she says my name, and it strikes a match inside me, sparking the feelings I’ve tried so hard to suppress. I want to ask her to say it again.
God, I’m still a fucking disaster, and I’ve had twenty-six months to get over the girl of my dreams dating my twin—and I haven’t. It’s embarrassing, but I don’t want her sympathy. Not when I’m to blame for everything that went wrong between us.
“Do you think Hunter will talk to me while I’m back?”
Kaitlyn’s chewing on the inside of her cheek when I glance at her.
“I don’t know,” she admits, her dark eyes sliding to meet mine, appearing more honey in the direct sunlight.
“The past few years have been really hard on him. He . . . Hunter doesn’t talk about you much, so I really don’t know. I’m sorry.”
I’m not sure what answer I was hoping for, but based on the way my stomach sinks, it wasn’t the one I got.
It’s Kaitlyn’s turn, and it takes her a minute to come up with her question.
“Are you going to stay?” Kaitlyn asks, but this is a question I can’t answer because I don’t know.
“ Pass .”
1 ? I love you so much.