10. Bailey
CHAPTER TEN
Bailey
NOW
The weight of last night hasn’t fully sunk in, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. It might give me a roof over my head while I sleep, but at what cost?
I have no idea who I am, and even if I did, I’m not sure I’m someone worth knowing.
Pulling my hood over my head, I adjust the straps of my backpack as I fall into step with the crowd of people on the sidewalk. I’ve gotten good at disappearing by keeping my head down, wearing neutral colors, and trying not to draw any attention to myself.
New York City was the perfect place to hide from my family. I’m one person out of millions, so I think the odds are in my favor when it comes to staying in the shadows.
Each step feels heavy today, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I stop moving. I’ll take the summer heat over the unforgiving temperatures of winter.
If I weren’t able to feel my heart beating in my chest, I might wonder if I’m even alive still. Half the time, I feel like a phantom hovering over my body. The days all bleed together, but each night feels like a new scar etched into my soul .
I think I’m past the point of being saved.
I should make the two crumpled twenties in my pocket last and focus on replenishing my stash of protein bars.
Still, I can’t stop staring at the burner phones behind the cashier.
A phone is the last thing that should be on my radar.
It’s been a few weeks since I checked in with JJ, but I need a reminder I wasn’t always a horrible person.
She might be the only person who always saw the best in me, even when all I showed was the worst.
JJ has always been good at math, but I’ve always had a knack for numbers too. It was easy for me to remember passwords, addresses, but especially phone numbers. I never could’ve guessed I’d have a reason to need them memorized.
Ducking into the alley behind the shop, I lean against the brick wall while pulling the cheap flip phone out of the cardboard box.
The time the phone takes to power on is enough for me to second guess calling Kaitlyn.
Will she answer? If she does, will Kait be happy to hear from me?
My fingers are shaking as I dial her number, and I wish I’d thought more about what to say.
The last time I spoke to her was that night on the roof. I was awful, and I regret it. I regret so many things, but being in New York is my penance.
An apology rests on the tip of my tongue as the line rings and rings.
Out of all the horrible mistakes I’ve made, choosing to call Kaitlyn might be my most selfish one. It’d be different if I were calling to make things right with her, but I’m not.
“Hi! Sorry I missed your call. If you want to leave a message, I’ll try to get back to you, but a text is probably faster.” Kaitlyn’s quiet laugh at the end of her voicemail makes my stomach churn. I hang up before a voicemail can record any proof of the call.
She didn’t answer.
I didn’t block the number, but what reason would she have to suspect the call was anything other than spam? JJ claims our family is trying to find me, but I can’t imagine anyone thinking to check Kaitlyn’s phone records.
There’s a part of me that hopes they might, though.
I want to go home. I don’t want to be a walking corpse, rotting on the inside from the mistakes I’ve made.
I want to tell my parents I’m sorry, and tell Hunter I love him as much as I hate him.
I’d make things right with Mirabelle, and thank JJ for always answering the phone.
I’ve been gone for over a year now. If my family knew the things I’ve done, they’d never forgive me.
I’d only hurt them when it’s the last thing I want to do, especially since I’m the only one to blame for all of this. I made choices, and now I have to live with the consequences.
The voice in the back of my head is quick to remind me of the role Kiera played, manipulating Carter and me like marionette dolls.
I shove the phone in my pocket, and a sob catches in my throat.
I hope she’s happy.
It’s the middle of the night. My heart is still racing in my chest, and I’m staring at the ceiling, trying to remind myself I’m home now. I’m surprised Javi isn’t gripping my shirt in his sleep, but he’s somehow still fast asleep next to me.
My parents asked him if he wanted to try sleeping in the guest room across the hall, but he started crying and refused to let go of me. They meant well, but I think this is something we’re going to need to ease him into.
I don’t care if Javi sleeps in here, but it broke my fucking heart when he asked if it meant I didn’t want him anymore.
When we lived on the streets, he’d fall asleep holding my shirt because he was terrified I’d leave him alone again.
It probably didn’t help that Javi had a big day at the doctor’s office. We have to wait another week to see the cardiologist, but it made me feel better when the pediatrician said I did the right thing by bringing him home.
My shirt and the sheets are sticking to the cold sweat coating my skin, and a shower sounds like the best way to clear my head.
Fuck, I feel disgusting right now.
I slide out of the bed, careful not to jostle Javi. I don’t want to wake him up, but I don’t stand a shot in hell of falling back asleep.
Thinking about my living nightmares is the last thing I want to do right now, but the only way I’ve ever been able to soothe the chaotic frequency of my mind is by thinking of Kaitlyn.
Except I don’t want to think about her either, because I can’t stop picturing the way Kait looked at me when she said she missed me so much it made it hard to breathe.
I hate how angry she was, but it still took everything in me to resist pulling her against me to offer her every piece of myself I have left to give.
The thought of ever being able to reconnect with Hunter is what kept me from acting impulsively.
I flinch under the cold water, resisting the urge to bang my head against the tiled walls because I can’t get her out of my head. I would’ve told Kaitlyn everything if she’d asked me again.
I remember the feeling of her soft lips on mine. I hate the way she makes me feel when I’m with her, but I hate even more that she’s still my happy place. I hate how infectious her laughter is, and the way her joy radiates like pure sunshine.
I press my palm against the cool shower tile, gritting my teeth as I force myself to stay under the piercing spray.
I hate the way she can make me smile, regardless of my mood. I hate the way her dark hair curls in the humidity. But most of all, I hate that I want Kaitlyn more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.
The painful truth I’ve been trying to run from is, even after all this time, I’m still in love with her. I have no intention of hurting her or Hunter—despite what he did. I want to be better to my brother than he was to me, even if Kaitlyn is the price I have to pay.
I’m terrified of being back here—of calling this place home again. I don’t want to break the promise I made to myself that I wouldn’t hurt my family anymore.
Washing off quickly, I dry myself off before slipping into a clean pair of boxers and shorts. I’m not tired at all, and I want to avoid waking Javi if I can.
When I was younger and needed to think, I used to climb out a window on the third floor that led to a flat section of the roof.
I’d sit and watch the stars and the moon, wondering how lonely it must be up there with everything so far apart.
I did it a lot, too, when I was in the camps, keeping watch to make sure none of our shit was messed with.
It gave me comfort knowing the same moon I was looking at would also be the same one watching over my family.
My footsteps are soft as I go up the stairs, only to find the window is already open.
Since when does anyone else in my family come out here?
I start to climb out, taken aback by the sight of Hunter sitting there, his hair nearly white under the glow of the moon.
Before I can decide whether to join him or try my hand at sleep again, he turns in my direction .
I thanked him earlier for taking care of my board, and Hunt seemed uncertain, like it was a test. I was surprised to see my board in flawless condition, and learning my twin was the one who took care of it contradicts everything he’s said in our short exchanges.
“You coming out?” he asks, his voice lacking any venom.
“Yeah.” I swallow the lump in my throat, climbing out fully to join him.
It feels weird to have someone else out here with me. Aside from the night I ruined everything with Kaitlyn, I’ve only ever been out here alone. This isn’t exactly helping me clear my head. Honestly, it’s only making me feel guilty I was just sorting through my feelings about his girlfriend.
“When did you start coming out here?” I ask, a few minutes after settling in the spot next to him.
Hunter shrugs next to me. “After you left. I saw you come out here one night.”
“It’s peaceful,” I say, looking up at my friends—the moon and the stars.
“It’s a good place to think.”
I agree wholeheartedly. It’s the whole reason I used to come out here. The sound of the waves crashing on the beach is audible, even up here. It’s a nice night with just enough of a breeze to keep the humidity at bay. Hell, it’s why I came up here tonight.
I need some clarity.
I want to convince myself that I can get over Kaitlyn, but I’m afraid since it hasn’t happened already, it never will.
How pathetic is that? Destined to pine over my twin’s girlfriend.
“I’m sorry, Bailey,” he says, and an apology is the last thing I expected to hear when I joined Hunter.
A short, uneasy laugh escapes me. “What the hell do you have to be sorry about?” I mean, besides the way he betrayed my trust and manipulated me, but I’m assuming that’s not what he’s getting at right now.
I love Hunter, but he’s not the perfect angel everyone thinks him to be.
Is it wrong of me to want to hear him admit how he was wrong?
“For the way I acted when you came back. I’m glad you’re back, and I shouldn’t have said what I did, but I was—I am angry because you have no idea what it’s been like since you left,” he admits, correcting himself. I fight against the white, hot anger rising inside of me.
I will not get angry.
Nothing good ever happens when I let my temper rule my actions.
“It’s fine. I deserved it,” I say, opting for the safe answer instead of pouring gasoline to let the fire consume us.
“No, you didn’t.”
I don’t want to argue with him, so instead, I say nothing.
The night is filled with silence, and it seems we’re stuck in the same boat of not knowing what to say, despite there being so much left unsaid between us.
“You know, you’re different.”
“How so?”
I turn to look at him, and his green eyes meet mine, the truth reflected in them. “You’re quieter, less rash with your decisions. You listen more than you used to.”
“Is that bad?”
“It’s not bad. Just different.” Hunter clears his throat. “So Javi . . . how did you guys meet?”
It’s not a secret how I met him, especially since I already confessed to Mom and Dad, but I guess I thought someone would’ve told Hunter.
“He tried to steal from me,” I answer, my tone soft as the memory of that night plays through my mind. He was terrified and alone.
“What? How?”
“I . . . I was staying in a camp. He thought I was asleep, and tried to swipe my bag. It had everything left from here in it. His parents were dead, and his aunt and uncle saw him as a burden. They made sure he knew it too, so he ran away. Javi was by himself for two days before he found me.”
It hurts to think of the black eye he had and the fresh burns on his skin. It took Javi a couple of weeks to not flinch any time I turned toward him.
Hunter blinks, shaking his head. “I don’t understand. A camp? Like?—”
“A camp for the homeless,” I clarify, and a flurry of emotions pass over his features, ranging from shock to horror to disbelief.
“You were living in a homeless camp?” His voice breaks, and I look away, because I can’t stand the way he’s looking at me right now. “We were that terrible you chose to be homeless instead of coming back?”
It’s not that they were terrible—I was ashamed. I was a kid whose heart had been broken by lies and secrets. Even when I discovered the truths were actually manipulated lies? I didn’t know how to come home.
“Hunter, it’s really fucking complicated.” I sigh, dragging my hands over my face. So much for clearing my head. “I want to explain, but I can’t .”
“Can you at least explain why JJ was the one you called?”
He’s angry, and rightfully so.
I exhale a quiet breath, my chest squeezing. “Because I was selfish.”
“You’re right. You are selfish,” Hunter says, getting up to signify the end of the conversation.
“Are you ever going to be able to forgive me? ”
The look on his face is hard and unwavering. “Have you forgiven me?”
It’s the closest he’s ever been to admitting what he did. Hunter knows exactly how he hurt me, and that it was wrong. We both know he’s not talking about his reaction to me coming home anymore.
I wonder if Kaitlyn would still be with him if she knew the truth?
I don’t know if I’ve forgiven him. I thought I had, but it’s a lot fucking harder being here and seeing their relationship in front of me. To see her smile up at him like I’ve dreamed of her smiling at me.
My silence says everything. Hunter chuckles under his breath, and I recognize the self-deprecation behind it. “I love her, Bailey.”
I know, but I love her too.
He doesn’t say anything else, climbing around me to go through the window, leaving me alone with my thoughts, the moon, and the stars.