13. Kaitlyn
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Kaitlyn
NOW
I stare at Hunter in shock because the words have already left my mouth.
I can’t take them back, and I won’t.
This wasn’t how I wanted to tell him, but I’m not going to lie and say it isn’t true.
“Hunter, I can explain,” I say, watching as his walls go up against me. I know I should have said something sooner to him, but how could I? Hunter has everything planned out for himself, and even though I didn’t intend to hurt him by changing my part of the plan, I did.
“What’s deferred?” Javi asks, and it thankfully takes some of the attention off of me, but obviously I’m going to have to explain to my mom.
Hunter turns to brush past JJ to leave, and a short puff of air escapes me.
Did this really just happen? Did I really tell everyone I deferred?
Marley jolts me out of my daze by gently resting her hand on my arm. “You might want to go after him,” she suggests quietly, and my brain kicks into autopilot .
I take off after Hunter, brushing past my mom, who is still gaping at me. I can hear the slam of his door from the stairs, and I know Bailey’s intention wasn’t to tell everyone, but it wasn’t a bad idea. I could work at the gallery.
Wait, shit. I have to focus on the problem at hand, and that would be the tantrum my boyfriend is currently throwing.
I open the door, spotting Hunter looking through his dresser. “Hunt, I’m sorry.”
His entire body tenses, but he won’t turn back to look at me. “If you were sorry, you wouldn’t have done it,” he says, his voice thick with emotion.
“I can be sorry and still make the same choice. I was going to tell you,” I say, shaking my head. I know Hunt doesn’t do well with change, but this wasn’t about him. It was about me.
“When? Because Bailey was the only person in there who didn’t seem surprised to hear that you deferred.” Hunter turns to look at me, and my breath catches from the silent blow of watching him wipe at his eyes before meeting my gaze.
Is he mad that Bailey knew, or that I changed my mind about going back to Duke?
I take a moment to breathe in, choosing my words carefully. “I only mentioned to Bailey I was considering deferring—not that I had done it.”
The technicality doesn’t make it sound much better. Hunter scoffs, rubbing the back of his neck. “What about our plans, Kaitlyn? Why didn’t you tell me you were considering deferring?”
Really? When was I supposed to do that? His older brother is newly sober, his sister is pregnant with twins, his twin just surfaced after disappearing two and a half years ago, and I’m supposed to bring my shit up to him?
“They’re your plans, Hunter. I’m happy you see me as part of your future, but I don’t think it’s wrong to make a decision by myself for myself.” I cover my mouth in surprise, because I can’t believe I said it, even if it wasn’t wrong. He decided everything and that’s not fair.
“Then why didn’t you say anything?” Hunter’s cool temper slips as his voice raises.
“Because I couldn’t! You have had so much shit going on, and I didn’t want to pile more onto you. I was trying to find the right time to tell you, I just didn’t know how.”
Hunter drags his hands through his hair before bracing them on the back of his head, his arms flexing in the process. “You couldn’t tell me —your boyfriend of almost three years—but you could tell Bailey who’s been back all of five minutes? Do you know how messed up that is?”
“How was I supposed to tell you when I knew this is how you would react? I love you, but this decision wasn’t about you. It was about me, and figuring out who I am,” I explain, trying to collect myself, so one of us is level-headed.
“That’s literally what college is for. Why can’t you figure it out there?”
“Because I don’t want to waste my college fund on a degree I picked after running out of time.
I want my degree to mean something, even if I don’t know what it is yet.
I get that college is a stepping stone for you to get to the NFL, but not everyone’s path is the same,” I reason, hoping he can understand where I’m coming from.
My parents are well-off, but they don’t have the millions Sebastian made playing professionally.
I know they would support me if I picked wrong, but I don’t want to put them in that position.
Henry would have also offered in a heartbeat, but I would feel guilty taking money from him.
“Hunt, the distance is the same from Duke to Oceanside compared to Wilmington to Oceanside. It’s not like I’m moving across the country? ”
I didn’t do this to hurt him.
“It’s different, Kaitlyn,” he says, taking a step back, and I fight back tears as the distance between us grows. “I don’t understand, and I’m sorry I don’t. I’ve never thought of them as my plans—they were our plans. I thought they were something we both wanted.”
“It’s not that I don’t want them. I?—”
Hunter shakes his head, wiping his nose on the back of his hand. “You just don’t know what you want. Maybe next time you make a huge decision that impacts both of us, you’ll come to me instead of my brother.”
What’s his deal with Bailey? Yes, I should have told Hunter first, and maybe I’m overthinking this, but I don’t think my decision impacts him very much.
The distance is the same, and we’ll both be busy with our own schedules.
I guess if he’s talking about me needing an extra year to finish my degree, but again, Hunter will be in his rookie season then.
“Bailey is my friend, but I’ll come to you first next time,” I promise, but his body is still coiled with more tension than a snake poised to strike.
His tanned features harden, and I expect him to shy away from me like he usually does when I talk about Bailey, but he doesn’t. It makes my stomach sink.
“That Bailey is not the one we used to know, and the sooner you accept it, the less it’ll hurt when he leaves again.”
The rain has picked up from a light mist to a drizzle, but it’s fitting for the pity party I’m throwing for myself on the beach.
Everyone else is inside, trying to wait out the rain for the fireworks later tonight.
I felt like I was bringing the mood down, and escaping out here felt like the best solution.
Hunter ended up leaving town at the last second to visit one of his teammates for the Fourth of July, but it feels like he’s running away from me.
We’ve hardly spoken since our argument. I left to give him space to think, but it’s been five days of short text exchanges.
The thought of it makes my stomach hurt.
My parents were surprised, but they understood after I explained how I’d been feeling about the future.
I felt like a little kid again telling them I didn’t know who I was anymore, but it was so freeing to get it off my chest. I didn’t realize how heavy it was to carry until I didn’t have to anymore.
The sweatshirt I borrowed from Hunter is damp and clinging to me, but I’m glad I left my phone inside so I’m not left to stare at an unanswered text to my boyfriend.
Despite being soaked, I’m not cold. The rain is warm, even if I wish it were cold. It’d feel like more of a punishment then.
I pull my knees up to my chest as I hug them there, resting my chin.
I want him to understand where I’m coming from because this wasn’t an easy decision for me to make. I want to make Hunter happy, but I have to take care of myself too. I love him, but I won’t lose myself in him.
I’m actually excited to start working at the gallery next week. It doesn’t have to be my forever plan, but for now, it’s a pretty good one.
“You do know it’s raining, right?” a deep voice asks behind me, and I jump half out of my skin as my brother laughs. “You should be more observant,” Henry muses, taking a seat next to me in the sand.
“Didn’t think I had to be since I was by myself,” I grumble, nudging him with my elbow.
“You’re proving my point. What if I was a serial killer?”
I roll my eyes, not needing a lecture about hypotheticals right now. “Just because you’re going to be a dad, doesn’t mean you need to act like our dad.”
“How else am I going to practice? ”
“Maybe try it on literally anyone but your sister,” I retort, and Henry has the nerve to laugh again.
“You’ve been out here a while,” he says, and I look back at the vast, churning water in front of us again.
“Guess so.”
“Did you know you’re gonna catch a cold if you stay out here much longer?”
A short laugh of disbelief escapes from me. “Wow, you really are leaning into this whole dad thing.”
“Hell yeah I am. I can’t wait.” I smile at hearing the pride in his voice, and I’m happy everything has worked out for him and Mirabelle. I know how badly they want this, and they deserve every bit of happiness they have.
“You excited about the gap year?”
“Yep.” The gap year is actually the last thing I want to talk about.
Henry hesitates, taking a deep breath. “Kait, I want you to know that you could have talked to me about it. I get things are different, but at the end of the day, I’m still your brother. I’ll always have your back.”
I feel tears welling up in my eyes, and I wipe my cheeks with my sleeve.
It doesn’t do much since the sleeve is already wet from the rain, but I straighten my legs out.
“I know, but it was hard to admit I have no idea what I want to do with my life. It seems like everyone else has it all figured out, and I’m being left behind.
It’s overwhelming and terrifying, but it feels stupid to get so worked up about it. ”
“The older I get, the more I seem to realize no one actually has their life figured out. If it seems like they do, they’re just better at pretending than everyone else.
It’s not stupid, but it is terrifying.” He wraps an arm around my shoulder, pulling me into a brief side hug.
“You’ll figure it out, but I want you to talk to me next time you feel like this, okay? ”
I nod, hoping the tears falling are hidden by the rain. “I didn’t tell anyone . . .” I trail off because it’s not the whole truth. I did tell someone.
“But?”
“Except Bailey. I talked to him about it.” And then Henry laughs, hard enough to double over. I glare at him, which only makes my brother laugh harder, but I’m glad he finds the mess I’ve created for myself so funny. “Are you done yet?” I ask, my voice flat.
“Please tell me you’re kidding,” he says, clearly not believing me, but his smile fades when I say nothing. “Oh shit, you really told Bailey instead of Hunter?”
I feel my face warm, and all I can do is nod.
“So that’s why Hunter was moping around the house like a kicked puppy before he left.”
“Have you talked to him? Is he okay?” I ask, my heart beating frantically in my chest.
His mouth twists into a rueful smile. “I haven’t.
That’s just how JJ described him to Mirabelle earlier,” he says, and I stretch my legs out in the sand.
I’m mentally and physically exhausted. “It’ll be okay, Kait.
Hunter just needs some time to cool off,” Henry says, but it doesn’t make me feel much better.
“I just wish I knew what happened between him and Bailey. I’m not sure if he’s more mad that I changed my plans for the year, or that I told Bailey about it before him,” I mumble, then it pops into my head that Henry might know more about what happened than I do because of Mirabelle.
I’ve had my suspicions that Mirabelle and JJ always knew more about Bailey than Hunter and me, but I’ve never felt right asking. “Do you know?”
“Mira and I have a couple theories.” His vagueness only further raises my suspicion.
“Like?”
“You shouldn’t worry about it. We’re probably not right anyway.” He bumps my arm, giving me a warm smile, and I feel a little bad that he came out here to sit with me in the rain. “I’m glad you’re going to be around when the twins are born.”
I’m not sure who he thinks he’s fooling with the not-so-subtle change of topic, but pushing him on it won’t get me the answers I want. Instead, I smile at him. “Me too. They’re going to be so cute.”
“They will be if they look like Mirabelle,” he jokes, shielding his face from the rain. “Don’t worry about Hunter. He’ll figure it out, but if he doesn’t, I’ll knock some sense into him.”
“Thanks, Henry. I appreciate it, but maybe don’t threaten to beat up my boyfriend.” I laugh, feeling a little better about all of this.
“I love you, Kait,” he says, and I know he means it.
“I love you too.”
“Soit prudent s’il-te-pla?t,” ? 1 Henry warns, slipping into French, and a lump forms in my throat.
I feel like it’s something people only say when you’re toeing the line. You listen, agree to be careful, but you don’t realize how far over the line you are until it’s too late.
You’ve already started to fall.
1 ? “Please, be careful.”