14. Bailey
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Bailey
NOW
The phone in my hands feels like it’s from another planet. Obviously shit kept advancing while I was gone, but having the newest electronics just wasn’t a priority for me during that time. I didn’t want anyone to find me, and I knew if I got a phone, they would.
I caved once in a moment of weakness and bought a cheap burner phone to call Kaitlyn, but I held onto it afterward in case I needed to call Luna.
All the calls I made to JJ were either from borrowing a stranger’s phone or using a payphone.
I left the phone Carter gave me behind after he kicked me out.
Dad looked so nervous when he knocked on my door earlier. I was afraid I’d hurt his feelings if I said no. The place he got it from helped use a backup from my old phone, so it would have all my stuff from before.
I know he was trying to do something nice, but I don’t want to look at any of it. It’s a reminder of how naive I was to believe everything Carter told me, and how bad I let things spiral. It’s also a blatant reminder of the repercussions my actions had on my family.
It’s weird to think of them as my family again. I know they are, but I guess I just can’t believe they were willing to bring me back into the house after what I did. Well, all of them besides Hunter.
After our conversation on the roof, I haven’t really wanted to talk to him either, so it doesn’t bother me that he’s ignoring me. I felt bad being relieved he was gone for the Fourth of July, but it kept me from picking a fight with him over the way he’s treating Kaitlyn about her gap year.
I can’t believe he’s making it all about him when it should be about her.
She looked so damn sad despite the smile she tried to fake. It took everything in me to keep from trying to make her feel better. I had a feeling that if I tried, I would’ve been putting her in a tough spot, which is exactly why I shouldn’t be thinking about reaching out to her right now.
I should be watching whatever movie Javi’s watching with my mom, but instead, I’m agonizing over whether to call the girl I shouldn’t have feelings for.
If I’m going to, I should do it before Hunter gets back from his trip tomorrow.
I groan, tempted to shove this stupid phone back into a drawer to forget about calling Kaitlyn.
She probably doesn’t even want to talk to me.
If I hadn’t suggested her for the position at the gallery, she would’ve been able to tell everyone in her own time.
Why couldn’t I keep my fucking mouth shut?
But I miss Kaitlyn. She might not be mine, but still. I miss being her friend.
I tap her name, typing out message after message, deleting each one right before I hit send because it doesn’t sound right, or it makes it seem like I’m thinking about her more than I should be. Which, I mean, I am, but she doesn’t need to know that.
If I knew what was good for me, I’d call Luna first to check in with her.
Fuck it.
I’ll just call her, and if she doesn’t answer, then that’s that. I won’t bother her again until Hunter fixes his mess.
The phone is already ringing before I can change my mind, and I know what a bad idea it is. Should I hang up and pretend it was a butt dial?
“Bailey?” Kaitlyn’s voice says, and my brain stutters, going completely blank.
Oh my fucking god. She actually answered. What the hell do I do now? I should’ve thought further ahead, but I didn’t really expect her to answer.
“Hello? Are you there?”
I clear my throat, shutting my eyes tight. “Hi.” My voice cracks, and now I’m really wishing I hadn’t called.
“Congratulations on finally getting a phone.”
I lean back in the seat, tugging a hand through my hair. “Uh, yeah. My dad gave it to me earlier,” I say, hating how fucking awkward I’m being. Why can’t I just talk to her like a normal person?
“Cool. Now I don’t have to just show up and hope you’re home if I have a question for you,” she says, keeping the topic light.
“You can still just show up,” I blurt out, and it’s like I’ve lost any sort of filter I used to have. “I mean, if you want. You don’t have to, or anything,” I clarify. God, it’s just Kait. I know how to talk to her. This is embarrassing.
“Thanks, B.” Kaitlyn laughs softly. “I’m not sure if you heard, but I’ll be working at the gallery during my gap year, so thank you for suggesting it. ”
“Really?” I ask, trying not to sound too excited, but this is exciting. “That’s awesome, Kait. Congratulations.”
“I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before you said something, but it’s actually kind of perfect.”
“I’m glad it worked out.” Fuck, I’m just glad she isn’t mad at me. “Sorry I didn’t run the idea by you first before saying something,” I say, feeling my emotions start to screw with my head.
Kaitlyn’s sigh is quiet, and maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up. “It’s okay. Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.”
“I’ve missed seeing you around the house,” I admit, despite knowing I shouldn’t.
My face heats, remembering how she hid out on the beach for a chunk of the holiday, choosing to sit on the beach by herself until Henry went to join her.
I wanted to be the one to go out to her, but it wasn’t my place.
“Sorry, I just . . . I miss you. So does Javi. He keeps asking when you’re going to come back over to go surfing again.
” It’s not a lie. He has been asking, but it feels like I’ve totally just crossed the line in the sand I drew.
“I’ve missed you guys too,” she says after a moment.
I breathe in a sharp breath, opting to make another decision I’m sure I’ll regret, but I’m already on a roll, so why stop now?
“I’m sorry for how Hunter’s been acting.
You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
” I try to say it as nicely as I can, because the only alternative is My brother is a fucking idiot, and you should be with me instead.
Too bad it’s not an option. I know how terrible I am for even thinking it.
Kait stays quiet long enough to make me nauseous, and I know how terrible I am for even thinking she should be with me instead.
I had my chance, and the only person I have to blame is myself .
“He’s going through some stuff. If space is what he needs to come to terms with my decision, then I’ll give it to him.”
“Doesn’t make it suck any less,” I grumble under my breath, forgetting the speakers can still hear me.
She barks out a short laugh. “Yeah, you’re right. It does suck.”
I chew on my lower lip, debating how far I can push this. “Do you maybe wanna hang out today? I haven’t spoken to anyone outside my family since the Fourth, but only if you want to. It’s okay if you’re already busy,” I ramble, trying to give her an out.
“Hey, Bailey?” she asks, and I think this might be when she finally tells me to fuck off.
“Yeah?”
“Maybe give me a second to answer before telling me I don’t have to hang out if I don’t want to?” Kaitlyn suggests, and I realize she’s right.
“Sorry,” I say, chuckling at my own eagerness.
“You’re good. I’m actually free later tonight if you wanna come over?
My parents have some dinner with the partners at Dad’s accounting firm, so you and Javi could come over to bake cookies or brownies?
Maybe build a fort and have a movie night?
” she offers, and it’s good she included Javi.
Being alone with Kaitlyn would be all too tempting, and I don’t need to burn the last bridge between me and my twin.
“Sounds good to me.”
“Great! Since you have my number again, will you text me when you’re on your way?”
“I can do that,” I agree, fist-pumping the air because I’m excited to see her today. Just being in the same room as Kaitlyn has to be enough for me.
The line clicks, and I drop the phone on my bed, unable to help the wide smile that pulls at my cheeks .
There’s a quick knock at my door, and JJ pokes his head in a moment later, faltering when he makes eye contact with me.
“Sorry, is this a bad time or . . .?” he trails off, and I’m not sure why he’s asking.
“No, why?”
JJ opens the door wider, his large frame filling the doorway. “Well, I’m not saying this to be rude, but you have a really big smile?”
I’m not proud of it, but I haven’t really allowed myself to be in a room alone with JJ.
I hate that I asked him to carry the burden of my calls, and the pressure of it contributed to his addiction.
I lined up the dates of his friend’s death, and realized the timing lined up with the last time I called JJ.
If I hadn’t tried to make myself feel better by calling JJ to say goodbye, he and his friend wouldn’t have been in the accident.
My smile slips, and I wonder how little I’ve been smiling if the sight of it is enough to make him do a double take. “Everything’s fine. Just smiling.”
“Good, it’s nice to see.” His shoulders relax, and JJ smiles back at me. “So, listen, I was about to head out for a run, but I wanted to ask if you wanted to join?”
“Me? Really?”
JJ tilts his head as if he’s confused by my surprise. “Well, yeah. You’re my brother. I want to spend time with you,” he says, as if the answer couldn’t be more obvious.
“Do you have an extra pair of running shoes?” I ask, and he smiles.
“Yeah, let me grab them,” JJ says, disappearing.
I’m glad I said yes because the feeling of running is exhilarating. It’s a different kind of running than the one I’ve been doing for far too long.
I keep up with JJ for the first mile and a half before I start to slow, lacking the stamina I used to have.
JJ notices the instant I start to lag behind, probably because of the way I’m gasping for air.
My lungs are screaming in protest against the sudden exercise, and there’s a stabbing cramp in my side threatening to bring me to my knees.
My brother, on the other hand, is barely out of breath.
“You good?”
“Yep,” I wheeze, grabbing my side like it’s gonna do something to help.
“Let’s walk,” he suggests, and I feel bad he asked me to come because Hunter wouldn’t have had any problem keeping up with him.
I try breathing in deeply, shaking my head. “I can run. I’m fine.”
“Nope, we’re walking. Besides, I didn’t plan on us running the entire time. I wanted to get you out of the house. Thought it might be good if we could talk?”
My insides twist more than they already are, and I avoid looking at him by focusing on the path in front of us. “About what?”
“I know you know about the accident.” JJ’s tone is soft, and maybe it’s good we’re talking about it now. “I was going to wait and let you come to me, but then you didn’t.”
“I’m sorry about your friend. I never meant for the calls to put you under so much stress that you became . . .” I trail off, feeling my throat closing up. I’ve tried not to think about this. It’s just one more way I’ve hurt my family.
My heart is finally starting to slow in my chest, even if breathing is difficult for an entirely different reason than before.
“An addict. It’s okay to say it. It’s the truth, even if it’s not a pretty one,” JJ says, and I glance over at him, squinting as the sun shines in my eyes.
“B, I’m glad you called me. It was hard, but the only person to blame for my addiction is me.
I made a mistake by thinking I could carry the world on my shoulders, and it ended up crushing me because I felt like I had to be perfect for everyone. ”
I hear him, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like he’s trying to spare me from more guilt. “Kait said the accident happened in January. Was it before or after I last called you?” I ask, and JJ sighs, staring off into the distance.
“I can’t lie to you. It was the same day, but Bailey, that doesn’t mean it was your fault.
I was two months clean because of Asher.
He was driving me to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting when the other driver ran the light, and I’ll never forget .
. .” JJ’s voice cracks, causing him to falter.
The sadness on his face is so blatant, I can’t help wanting to run from it.
“I owe Ash everything because of the kindness he showed me. I was going down a dark path, and he helped me find the light again. Then Marley helped me stay afloat when it would have been so easy to let my head slip under the surface again.”
“I’m sorry, JJ. I’m so fucking sorry.” If I had just come home, maybe none of this would’ve happened.
He clears his throat, resting his hand on my arm, drawing my eyes to him instead of the pavement.
“I don’t want you to apologize. I made decisions that I have to live with— not you.
I’m eight months clean. I’m doing better, but I know what it looks like to carry secrets, and what it does to a person.
It doesn’t have to be me, but I hope you let someone help you carry the weight.
Nothing good will come from keeping everything locked inside,” JJ says, and his words hit me like a punch to the gut.
Tears prick my eyes, and the secrets and emotions I’ve spent so long suppressing threaten to surface.
It’s too much.
I wipe my tears away with the back of my hand, walking away from JJ.
He’s right.
I have kept so many secrets wrapped tightly inside myself— some lingering for over two years. I’m a bomb rigged to explode. I’m not sure how much longer I can hide from them.
“Bailey!” JJ catches up to me easily, darting in front of me to force me to stop.
“What? I think we should run again,” I say, the urge to flee overwhelming the exhaustion weighing me down.
I flinch as JJ wraps his arms around me, pulling me into a hug. My arms remain limp at my sides, and the tears threatening to break loose finally fall. Eventually, I hug him back, but he doesn’t let go.
“I love you,” he says, sniffling as he does. “Please stop avoiding me because I’ve really missed you.”
I hold onto him as tightly as he’s holding me. “I’ve missed you too,” I choke out. “I’m proud of you for finding the light.”
“I’m proud of you for coming home.”