31. Bailey
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Bailey
NOW
“Can we go to the roof?” Kaitlyn asks, and I’m hit with relief because I’m a selfish asshole.
I don’t know what it means that she’s here, but I’m not ready for her to walk away from me again.
Please don’t give me hope if you’re going to take it away from me. I’m not sure my heart could handle it.
“Sure,” I say, hoping my voice isn’t shaking. I’d give her anything she asked for right now.
Her dark eyes are rimmed in red, and I can feel the spots of my shirt damp from her tears. I hate seeing her sad, but I hate being part of the reason even more.
Of course Mirabelle had to walk out of her room at that exact moment for snacks. It’s funny if you think about it, because I mean, what are the fucking odds?
I lead the way to the window and slip through before she can change her mind. My heart is racing in my chest, and I’m terrified to hope for more.
Even when I wanted to hate her, I couldn’t.
I don’t know how, and I hope I’m never able to get over Kaitlyn, even if it causes me a world of pain to love her from afar. She’s worth it—and more.
Kaitlyn makes me feel like the best version of myself when I’m around her. I think if you can find someone who does that, it’s worth staying in their life in any manner they’ll have you.
I want to know the answers to questions I shouldn’t ask, but I’m mentally trying to prepare myself in case tonight ends up as another moment we pretend never happened.
I can’t help wondering if there’s a chance she and Hunter might get back together? I wouldn’t think it’d be very easy to cut the cord on a relationship you’ve been in for years.
Kaitlyn takes the hand I offer to help steady her while she climbs out. The fact she’s still unsure of the right places to grab onto gives me the smallest bit of satisfaction Hunter hasn’t been bringing her up here.
There’s enough moonlight for me to see her face, and I wonder if Kaitlyn knows she has flecks of paint splattered across her cheeks.
I want to ask what she painted, and I hope it’s something she’ll let me see.
My gaze lands on the sweatshirt she’s wearing, and it renders me speechless again because I can’t believe she kept it. Honestly, after everything that happened, I forgot I gave it to Kait that night. I guess I never expected her to hold onto it for all these years.
“I forgot how high up we are out here,” she says, her hand tightly gripping mine.
“I think as long as you don’t get too close to the edge, you’ll be fine. Hunter and I have yet to fall off,” I say, and she exhales a long breath as she sits on the rough surface.
“Good advice, I wish I’d thought of it first.” Her sarcasm causes a smile to form on my face, and I try to hold back my laughter .
“I promise not to push you off,” I tease, trying to lighten the air the best I can before the inevitable heaviness of this conversation will take over.
“Whatever.” Kaitlyn rolls her eyes as she crosses her arms over her chest. “Thank you,” she says, a quiet sigh escaping her.
What? “Why are you thanking me?”
She looks up at the stars shining in the sky. “For not shutting the door in my face or telling me to fuck off.”
“You really think I’d do that?”
“No, I don’t.” Kaitlyn’s dark eyes glitter when she turns toward me.
“I’m sorry about you and Hunter.” It’s the truth, too, even if I’m a little relieved Hunter isn’t an obstacle to tiptoe around any longer.
It’d always be hanging over our heads like a guillotine, and I’m not sure Kaitlyn would ever relax around me for fear of hurting my twin.
My relationship with Hunter isn’t perfect, but maybe now that he’s come clean, we stand a chance of mending the fractures between us.
“How can you apologize to me after everything?” she asks, wiping her nose with her sleeve.
“Because you loved him and he loved you.” It’s as simple as that. I don’t think Kaitlyn would’ve been with him for three years if she didn’t feel that way toward him.
“Still. It doesn’t make what Hunter did to you okay.”
“I didn’t say it was okay, but I understand why he did it.
We were stupid teenagers,” I say, having spent long enough regretting things I can’t change.
I’m trying to remember this is new information to her, whereas I’ve been living in this reality the entire time.
If I can’t forgive Hunter for his mistakes, how can I expect anyone to forgive me for mine, which are a thousand times worse?
It’s a humid summer night, but there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than sitting on this roof with Kaitlyn. I can’t believe we’re finally having this conversation after the countless times I’ve imagined it.
“So everything you said that night about wanting to pretend it didn’t happen . . . that wasn’t true?” she asks, and I’ve never regretted anything more than how I handled that conversation.
I can feel her staring at me as I take a deep breath, glancing away.
“No, it wasn’t true. I’ve spent every day since then regretting saying any of it to you.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me the truth?” she asks, and it hurts to think about how angry I was back then.
“Because I didn’t want you to lose both of us,” I say, and Kaitlyn surprises me by scoffing.
“That’s bullshit, Bailey, but I guess we’ll never know because you and Hunter made choices for me I didn’t have any control over.”
“I didn’t make you kiss my twin after I rejected you,” I point out, and she holds my stare, refusing to back down.
“I know I’m not innocent, but I didn’t have the whole picture.
All I knew was I kissed you, and you avoided me like the plague before telling me to pretend it never happened.
I’m not trying to make excuses for myself, but being around Hunter made me feel better after you shut me out.
B, I tried to talk to you so many times, but then you were gone. ”
“I know, and I’m sorry. I’m not trying to blame you,” I say, softening my voice so she knows I’m not trying to point fingers. All I care about is what happens next.
Her hand brushes against mine, and my heart flips at the simple touch. I know what I did, and I don’t know how Kaitlyn will react if she finds out, but for now, I can pretend like I’m not that person.
“Will you tell me everything?” she asks, and I inch my hand closer to hers, crossing my pinky over hers. I hold my breath, waiting to see if she’ll pull away, but Kait doesn’t.
A lump forms in my throat, and all I can hope for is the chance she might accept me.
“I need you to promise you won’t say anything to anyone.” My hands are shaking, and I pull my hand back, but Kaitlyn catches it, threading our fingers together to hold on.
“Okay,” she agrees, and I clear my throat, hoping I can get through this without making myself sick.
“I-I want to start at the beginning,” I say, trying to choose my words carefully.
I imagine Luna standing on my shoulder like a guardian angel, chanting at me to spit it out already.
I can’t make this truth sound better by using pretty words to disguise it.
“I found out my dad was engaged before he and my mom were married. There was this guy, Carter, who reached out to me, claiming to be my half brother.” My stomach clenches, and Kaitlyn inhales a sharp breath.
I wish I’d never even responded to his message, let alone met up with him.
“I thought he was just some fan of Dad’s fucking with me.
I shouldn’t have gone to meet with him, but I did because I’ve always felt like I didn’t fit in with my family.
He showed me these articles about his mom, Kiera, and my dad being engaged forever ago, and I found an old interview of Dad’s after they broke up.
There were all these questions about why it ended, and my dad was upset, talking in circles with carefully crafted answers.
They were saying he left Carter’s mom—who ended up pregnant—to be with my mom. ”
It sounds insane to say out loud, and I can tell Kaitlyn has never heard any of this because her jaw is hanging open in surprise. If I stop now, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get through it.
“I didn’t want to believe him, but I couldn’t ignore the proof in front of me.
There were the articles, the interview, and just the fact he was alive.
God, Kait, he looks so much like Dad too.
I think I was so desperate to feel like I belonged, I didn’t question it as much as I should have.
” My chest feels tight—like I can’t take a deep enough breath.
I wish I could take it all back. “I was so .
. . fucking angry. Everything felt like a lie, but I finally had someone who understood me, and how it felt to be different from the people you love.
“I went to the house in Charlotte to look through some of the old shit my parents had kept in the attic, and I found a letter. It was from my dad to my mom. He wrote about how complicated shit was with Kiera being pregnant, but he wanted a life with my mom.” Shame crawls up my spine as I look back out at the ocean, and I’m grateful Kaitlyn’s holding my hand.
It’s helping ground me. I’m going to have to tell my parents one day, and I can only hope they’ll forgive me.
“I didn’t think. I-I just reacted, and if I could take it back, I would.
I started the fire at the house with the letter.
Once I realized what I’d done, I tried to go back in to stop it, but it spread too fast.”
“Bailey, I’m so sorry,” Kaitlyn whispers, and I shake my head. I’ve never forgotten the panic that ran through me when I stood there, feeling the lick of heat from the flames.