31. Bailey #2
“I don’t want you to say you’re sorry. I’m the one who should be apologizing because if I’d just fucking told someone what was going on, everything would have been different.
” A low, hoarse laugh rattles from my chest, and I’m ashamed of myself.
“I should’ve asked my parents outright who Kiera was instead of asking vague questions, assuming they’d want to tell me the truth, despite hiding it for years already.
I didn’t tell anyone about Carter because I was trying to protect my siblings from realizing how fucked up our family was.
It was wrong of me to be so angry at Mirabelle for taking so much of our parents’ attention, but it was easier to blame her.
I quit soccer thinking it might be enough for them to notice how much I was hurting, but they didn’t.
I went silent because it felt like something I could be in control of when everything else was spiraling faster than I could try to stop it.
You were the one bright spot in my life at that point, but I was a fucking mess, sunshine. ”
She grips my hand tightly, and I appreciate it more than she’ll ever know.
“My hatred was a poison consuming me, and Hunter wasn’t wrong to ask if I really thought I could make you happy when I couldn’t even make myself happy.
I might not have known it then, but I never would’ve forgiven myself if I’d pulled you down with me.
I hated Hunter for what he did, but the worst part was seeing how effortless it was for him to make you happy.
It wasn’t right, but he did it because he loved you.
“I don’t think there was anything anyone could have said to make me listen at that point, and I thought everyone would be better off without me.
So I left and showed up at Carter’s apartment in Charlotte without a single fucking plan.
I stayed with him for nearly a year, and then it came out Kiera was lying about Carter and me being related.
It was like my feet had been swept out from beneath me again after I thought I’d found a home where I was wanted.
Only it was a lie, and I was the fool who believed it.
I didn’t think my parents would let me come back after everything, so I hopped on the first bus I found, and ended up in New York.
I didn’t want to be found, and it felt like the best place to disappear. ”
Acid creeps up my throat, and I’m not ready to talk about the nightmares haunting the darkest parts of my brain. I might never be ready, and that has to be okay.
“Will you please look at me?” she asks, her voice cracking, and I blink back the tears threatening to fall. It’s going to be okay if she hates you.
I hope Kait doesn’t hate me.
There are silent tears flowing down her cheeks, and her lower lip trembles. “It’s okay, B. You were a kid in an impossible situation,” she says, and while I don’t want her to hate me, I don’t deserve a free pass either.
“I made choices I should be held accountable for, but thanks for trying to make me feel better. There’s nothing that can excuse what I did,” I say, having had plenty of time to come to terms with my guilt.
I lean back against the roof, staring up at my friends in the sky, promising an infinity of possibilities.
“Why don’t you want tell everyone where you were?” Kaitlyn asks, reclining next to me.
I knew that question was coming. I guess I should hope that my answer is good enough.
“Because they’re better off without knowing.”
Kaitlyn follows my lead, brushing her thumb back and forth over my knuckles with a gentle, loving touch. I feel better knowing I don’t have to hide everything with Hunter and Carter anymore.
Against my better judgement, I pull my phone out of my pocket and pull up Hunter’s number. I’ve never used it before, and there’s a very good chance he’ll ignore me. Still, I want to try. Maybe telling Kaitlyn the truth is his way of trying.
The text is simple.
Bailey
I’m sorry, here if you need me.
It’s marked as read right away, but no response comes.
I wake up early the next morning, feeling better than I have in a while. I did a lot of thinking last night while Kait and I sat on the roof in silence, and as long as they’ll let me stay, I’m not going anywhere .
I’m going to get my GED, work on my photography, and figure my life out. And maybe when I’m ready, I can find a way to be honest with Kaitlyn about my feelings for her.
What I’m not expecting is my mother to be in the kitchen pouring coffee into two cups. A warm smile forms on her face as she glances up at me, sliding one on the counter toward me. “Morning.”
“G’morning.” My voice catches, still thick with sleep.
“Late night?” Mom asks, and I know that she knows, even though they got home late. I don’t know how, but she does. I dip my head slightly in confirmation and she continues, “So where did Kaitlyn sleep?”
I rub the back of my neck, feeling my cheeks flush at the question, despite nothing happening last night.
When we came inside, we went to our separate rooms. It was innocent, even if the thoughts I have about her are anything but. “I would assume in the guest bedroom.”
“Just checking,” she says, a faint smile on her face before sipping her coffee. “Are you going to surf this morning? I thought I might join you.”
I appreciate the change in conversation, and I relax a little. “I’d like that, Mom.”
Mom steps closer to me, setting her coffee down to pull me into a hug. I’m caught off guard, but it’s nice.
“I love you,” she says, backing away, but not before making me feel like a little kid again as she reaches up to brush my hair back. “Thank you for being there for Kaitlyn.”
“I love you too,” I say, letting the words sink in.
I don’t mention Hunter and Kaitlyn breaking up as we finish our coffee before going out back. I’m a little surprised Kaitlyn doesn’t come down, but it’s nice spending time with Mom just the two of us. It reminds me of how things used to be before I ruined everything .
“Hey, Mom?” I ask, paddling toward her after easing off of the small wave I caught.
She squeezes water out of her hair, and her emerald eyes are glowing. “Yeah?”
“Have you talked to Hunter?”
“Yeah. He called me on the way to Uncle Owen’s house,” she says, her face seeming to shift with understanding of why I’m asking.
I think about the message I sent him last night, and I wonder if he knew Kaitlyn was here.
She didn’t say how they left things, and he was already gone by the time I got back from the hospital.
I had no way of knowing what happened until Kaitlyn knocked on my door, but based on how tense things had been since his transfer, I don’t know what to expect.
“Is he okay?” I ask, looking away because I’m afraid of what I’ll see.
“He will be. He was with Kaitlyn for a long time, but it’ll just take some time. Don’t give up on him yet.”
“I’m not giving up on him, but the last thing I want to do is hurt him, or make him hate me more than he already does,” I say, trying to make sense of the mess inside of my head. The mess that’s about to be my reality.
“I think whatever’s meant to be will happen regardless of how anyone feels about it.
If someone had told me twenty-five years ago I’d end up marrying your dad and having four kids, I would have laughed in their face,” she says, laughing quietly.
“I know I don’t understand everything you’ve been through, but I do know you and Hunter are brothers, and nothing will ever change that.
Not even a girl, as wonderful as she is. ”
“She is,” I murmur in agreement.
“When you’re ready to talk about it, I’m always here.”
“Thank you,” I say honestly, letting the water lap over my legs as the sun rises higher in the sky, the shades turning more pastel. “Would you want to go take photos with me soon? Maybe show me some of your tricks?”
A smile so bright forms on Mom’s face, you’d think I just told her she was my favorite parent.
“Oh, thank fucking god. I had hoped, but it’s about time one of you took after me instead of your father.
Just let me know where you want to go, and I’ll make it work.
” Mom looks quite pleased with herself, and I wish I had asked sooner.
I like being able to make her happy. It’s the least I can do after everything.
Maybe one of the goals I should set is to give myself some grace for the choices I’ve made.