39. Bailey
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Bailey
PAST
It’s nice knowing how to block the number on the phone Carter gave me because it’s the only reason I let myself call JJ two months ago. I didn’t expect him to answer, but then he did.
I’ve wanted to call every day since, the homesickness overpowering the anger I’ve poisoned myself with. JJ was the compromise I made with myself because out of everyone, he never did anything but care about me.
It was a long day at work, under the sweltering sun, and it wouldn’t surprise me if I started hallucinating seeing my family. I miss them, but I’m starting to find my footing.
I’ve been working under the table for a local construction company, and thankfully, they didn’t look too hard at the fake ID Ryan was able to score for me at the end of last school year.
It says my name is Brandon Gibbs, which is an entirely forgettable name for an entirely forgettable person.
I’m rarely seen without a hat on, helping to disguise my distinguishing features.
It’s risky staying in Charlotte, especially now that football season is about to kick off and I grew up here, but I’m avoiding every part of town my family has been known to frequent.
Everyone I used to know has either gone to college or is playing professional soccer.
So now I get to spend my days working my ass off, pretending to be a stranger. It’s exhausting, but I’m able to pay my portion of the rent I insisted on covering after the first month.
I thought I knew what hard work was, but it’s nothing compared to working manual labor in the sweltering North Carolina humidity on days I’d normally spend surfing.
This isn’t where I thought I’d be a year ago, but I think I’m starting to like the person I’m becoming.
JJ’s back at school, Hunter’s at Oceanside, and Kaitlyn is at Duke. I think for the first time in all of our lives, we’re all having to figure shit out by ourselves. I haven’t let myself log in to any of my old accounts because I don’t know if my parents have someone working on them.
My phone is sitting on the bathroom counter when I get out of the shower, the layers of sweat and grime washed away from the day.
Don’t call him.
It feels like a taunt, knowing how easy it would be to call him.
Would he answer?
The question haunts me the rest of the night, until I’m falling into bed, my eyes closing on their own accord, but my brain won’t turn off. Maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world to call him again.
I remember to block my number first before dialing his number from memory. I never thought I’d be grateful my parents made a point for all of our phone numbers to be the same except for the last digit. It helps I’m also good at remembering combinations of numbers .
Before I can chicken out and hang up, my older brother answers. “Hello?”
My throat squeezes, and I don’t know if I can make any words come out. This was a mistake.
“Bailey? Is that you?” JJ asks, and the way he sounds so hopeful is enough for me.
“Yeah.”
“Are you okay?” he blurts out, and I miss him so much.
“I’m okay,” I say, keeping it simple. I don’t want to say anything that will tell him where I am.
“Where are you?”
I hesitate, second guessing making this call again. “I’m somewhere safe.”
“Please, come home, Bailey. I was hoping you’d call again so I could tell you how much everyone misses you. We’ve been trying to find you, but it’s like you disappeared into thin air. Fuck . Just come back,” JJ pleads, ripping open the scar that’s barely healed.
I want to believe that our family might miss me as much as I miss them, but even if they do, it doesn’t erase the awful things I’ve done. It can’t turn back the clock to give me the years with Carter I should’ve had, or cancel out all the times I’ve faded into the background.
“JJ, I’m not coming back. I can’t,” I say, hoping he can’t hear how much it’s taking for me to sound normal right now.
“You can. I love you. Just tell me what we need to do, and I’ll make sure it happens. Please.”
I thought I’d feel better calling him, but it’s only making it worse.
“I love you too, but I have to go,” I say, feeling my stomach churn as I stare at the ceiling.
“Baile—” I hang up before he can say anything else, leaving me alone with all of my regrets.
“Aren’t you tired of school?” I complain, rubbing my temples while Luna does her homework before Sunday night dinner.
“No one’s making you sit here with me,” she replies without looking up from her computer as her fingers fly across the keyboard.
“She has a point,” Ryan chimes in, and I roll my eyes.
“I have a point too.”
He scoffs, raising his eyebrow in suspicion. “Which is?”
Well, shit. I actually don’t have a point, other than being bored and wanting to hang out with them. “I’m not telling you,” I say, hating how childish it sounds. Carter skipped tonight to sub in a recreational soccer game with his friends, but I look forward to Sundays all week.
“So what you mean is you don’t have a point,” Luna says, and it’s annoying how well she can read my mind.
“You know you don’t know everything about me,” I argue, leaning back in the chair to cross my arms.
“I didn’t say I did. I said you don’t actually have a point.”
Ryan groans, shooting both of us a look. “Stop. You’re both annoying me. I have a huge project this week, and my group is going to murder me if I don’t pull my weight.”
A door slams from upstairs before I can come up with anything, and heavy footsteps stomp down the stairs before the slam of a front door follows.
It’s enough to make all of us fall quiet.
Luna decides to break the awkward silence a moment later. “I think they’ve been fighting a lot lately,” she says, closing her computer.
I don’t know what to say. If I’m being honest, I don’t think Ryan does either. She’s not done dropping bombs though.
“Honestly, this might make me a terrible daughter, but at this point, I wish they’d either separate or divorce.
It’d be better than listening to them yell and then watch Dad leave all the time.
” Luna’s face twists, almost like she can’t believe the words came out of her mouth, but she doesn’t take them back. I admire her for it.
She’s precise with her words, as if each one is being etched in stone.
Luna gets up from the table with a sigh and walks straight out the patio doors to the backyard. Ryan drags his hands over his face, and I wish Carter were here because he’d know the right thing to say.
“Wow.”
“Do you think she’s okay?” I ask, shifting in my seat. I’ve been afraid to ask, but I’m hoping the issues in their marriage aren’t as a result of my presence.
“Would you be?”
I’m not really sure if that’s a question I can answer, considering my parents don’t even know where I am, and I haven’t spoken to them in months. “You should go check on her.”
“I think she’d prefer if it were you,” he replies, and I’m stunned he would think that.
“You’re her brother, Ry,” I stammer. “I’m just her half brother’s half brother, and probably the reason your parents are fighting in the first place.”
“Bailey, you’re her friend . Believe it or not, she doesn’t have many of those, and I really think Lu could use a friend right now instead of her older brother.”
I think I’ve gotten so used to everyone always needing someone else that the idea of someone actually needing me is . . . surprising. I guess I just wasn’t expecting it.
He focuses on his computer again, and I turn to look at the back door. Wherever Luna is, she can’t be seen from where I’m sitting, but I guess Ryan really isn’t going to go out there.
Pushing the chair back from the table, I walk out the door without second guessing it. I like Luna, and I don’t think there’s anything I can do to fix this for her, but I can be her friend.
Luna is sitting in the hammock hanging between two trees in the corner of the backyard. I didn’t think to grab my shoes, and the grass is still wet from the sprinklers that were running when I got here.
“You okay?” I ask, treading cautiously as she lifts her head to see me a few feet away. Luna moves further up on her end of the hammock.
“Sure,” she says, shrugging as she adjusts to sit crisscross, and I assume she’s making room for me to sit.
I carefully slide into the hammock, making sure not to flip it. Unfortunately, my added weight forces both of us to slide into the middle of the canvas. Luna’s knees press up against my shin.
“You don’t have to be okay. It’s okay to not be okay.” I think I know this better than anyone, but I’m not sure I’m someone who should be giving advice. I’ve been trying not to think about the call I made the other night to JJ, but maybe I can do something good right now.
Luna huffs, playing with her long, dark hair.
A tear slips down her cheek, and she wipes it away, appearing shocked it happened.
“Shit. I promise I’m fine. It’s not a big deal.
Parents fight, but I don’t think their kids usually wish for them to get divorced.
I don’t know why I’m crying,” she mumbles, and I wish I could ask Kaitlyn what I’m supposed to say.
“I’m not a genius or anything, but I think you’re crying because you’re upset,” I say softly, trying to figure out what the best route here is because I have no idea what I’m doing. Speaking girl is like a completely different language I’m not fluent in.
She laughs for a few seconds, shaking her head. “What an excellent theory, Bailey.” Luna looks down at her lap, and I watch her closely, figuring there’s really not a right thing to say in this situation. The least I can do is apologize for creating all this upheaval in her life.
“I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for? I should be the one apologizing to you. Everything was fine until my dad said Carter wasn’t his real son during a stupid argument, which led to a domino effect that ruined your family.
He might not be Carter’s real dad, but family is more than blood.
I don’t know why it’s such a hard idea for people to understand. ”
“My dad shouldn’t have abandoned your mom and Carter.
I’ve never heard him so much as mention either of their names my entire life until I—” I’m quick to snap my mouth shut, but it’s too obvious that I was going to say something I shouldn’t.
I’m so ashamed of the fire, and I don’t want it to cost me this family too.
“Until you?” she prods, curiosity sparked by my slipup. Fuck.
I scratch the back of my neck, not really wanting to admit this. “Um, it wasn’t my finest moment.”
“What did you do?”
“I kind of lost my mind after Carter found me. I was really upset about all of it, but when I found more proof, all I could think about was how my parents have lied to me my entire life. I...tried to burn my childhood home down. I didn’t know it would spread so fast, and I ran in to stop it, but it was too late.
” I’m fully expecting Luna to get up and run in the opposite direction from me.
This probably wasn’t what Ryan meant when he said I should go check on her.
“Personally, not what I would have done, but I get why you did it. Everything felt like a lie,” she says, nodding as if this is something people tell her every day. “People do all kinds of fucked up shit when they’re upset.”
Is she really justifying what I did ?
“I mean yes, but that doesn’t justify it.
I felt so guilty, I was going to come clean to my parents, but I heard them say Kiera’s name.
They were wondering if she could have been the one to do it which just sounds insane to me now that I know her.
They were talking about her wanting revenge for my dad ending their engagement.
” Luna’s eyes widen, but she listens as I explain everything.
I hadn’t planned to tell her every sordid detail of what led to me ultimately leaving my family behind.
“That’s all just . . . insanely fucked up.
” Luna’s grimacing, and I can’t help the laugh that escapes me because that’s pretty much the only way to describe it.
“I mean, what the fuck? Your twin told you that you’re not boyfriend material for Kaitlyn so he can make a move instead.
Then, she ends up dating him? Not to be mean, but how much could she really have liked you if she was kissing him so soon after you? ”
“I don’t know,” I say, ducking my head. It’s something I’ve wondered myself. It hurts to think Kaitlyn was playing us both because it’s not who she is as a person. It’s easier to think Hunter manipulated her the same way he did to me.
“She made a huge mistake,” Luna says, scoffing, and a smile forms on my face.
“Thanks, but I don’t blame her. Hunter has a lot less problems than I do. He didn’t try to burn down one of our family homes,” I point out, finding it kind of nice to tell someone the full story. Carter knows a lot, but I never admitted the arson to him. I’m sure he’d kick me out if he knew.
She reaches forward to grip my hand, giving me a smile. “I’m happy you’re here, but I can still be sorry that your family sucks.”
“And I can still be sorry your parents are fighting,” I say, and regardless of how I got here, it’s nice knowing there’s at least one person who knows all my dirty secrets, and doesn’t hate me for it.
“I’m starting to think people in general might just suck, but definitely parents,” Luna says, laughing, and I think I agree with her.