Chapter 32
THIRTY-TWO
KIRA
Isaak’s got the energy of a giant boisterous puppy as we’re leaving Carnal . I feel the complete opposite. I’m tired, and my body is so heavy, like every muscle is weighed down by an invisible anvil.
I’m confused at first. I meant what I said to Isaak. I do feel marvelous. It’s as if, suddenly, everything feels possible. All those things that felt way too serious when I walked in—shit with my mom, and Drew, and worrying about what my intrusive thoughts might mean—it all seems silly now. Not important at all.
But maybe that’s just because it feels like I need to sleep for a week before thinking about anything. Then I remember—holy shit! I’ve read about this!
It’s subdrop.
I’m experiencing subdrop !
Which gives me a brief giddy feeling. Subdrop means that actually was subspace. Holy shit, I actually got there. Well, Isaak and I got there. Because that was definitely a together activity and not anything I could have done by myself.
Wow. I’ve wondered what subspace would feel like ever since I first read about it.
And now, as I lean on Isaak while he walks me back to the car, I know it’s all real.
I mean, obviously, I knew it was real. I generally trust that anything I read in a textbook is real. But knowing something’s real and experiencing it for yourself are two different things. It’s like the first time you have sex after hearing about it your whole life.
Except that scene was a whole lot better than when I lost my virginity. I grimace even thinking about the whole graduation debacle. Ugh. Can’t think about that now. I was just finally feeling lighter about the whole Drew thing.
I lean into Isaak even more heavily. “So tired,” I mumble.
“Subdrop,” we both say at the same time.
He smiles down at me and squeezes me with the arm around my shoulders. “Somebody did their homework.”
“Teacher’s pet,” I mumble, and his deep chuckle makes me warm in spite of how cold I suddenly feel. My teeth are all but clattering.
“Don’t worry, I’m driving, Professor.”
I nod, even though I’m not sure his long legs will even fit under the steering wheel.
“S-s-so cold.”
“Another part of sub-drop. Marcus warned me. I’ll turn on the heat in the car. Come on.”
My head’s been drooping, so I’ve just seen the asphalt of the parking lot under our feet. I’m surprised we’re already at the car. I really can’t believe subdrop is this intense. But then, I did read that the more intense the scene, the more intense the drop. Still, I just sort of always glossed over the subdrop part. I never imagined it could be this strong.
Before I quite know what’s happening, Isaak’s got the door open and me in the seat and belted in. When he closes the door, I immediately slump against it.
Though I can’t help turning my tired head to watch the spectacle that is Isaak shoving my seat back as far as he can and then trying to fold his giant body in half to fit in the driver’s seat. It’s wrong that I take as much pleasure from the sight as I do. My Mini always looks like a clown car whenever he’s in it. I was pissed off at him earlier, which is why I made us bring my car even though he tried to insist we take the truck. I insisted louder.
Which feels mean considering Isaak’s as good as his word. He cranks the heat up for the drive home, and soon, I stop shivering. He’s so good to me , I think drowsily.
I can’t imagine what we look like as he all but drags me across the lobby and to the elevator. I’m ready to collapse on the bed and sleep for forty-eight hours straight. I’m supposed to have class tomorrow, but I can’t imagine going, considering I can barely stand at the moment.
Maybe I can call in sick and cancel class. I never let myself do that. Miss Perfectionist. Who knows, maybe I’ll wake up in twelve hours feeling right as rain? I’ll just play it by ear. Huh, what a concept. I could actually allow myself to be human for once. Just like everybody else.
I’m still slumped against Isaak while he pulls out the keycard for the hotel room, eyes drooped half-closed, so I don’t see whatever it is that has all his muscles suddenly clenching when he swings the door open. “What the fuck?” he growls.
That has my eyes popping open. I pull away from him and manage to stand up straight long enough to look at the room.
I scream even as Isaak drags me backwards.
But I already saw the walls graffitied with the words SLUT and WHORE written in what looks like dripping blood.