Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
SOFEE
The sharp slap against the back of my hand stings as I scowl up at my attacker. “Could you please just hold still for two damn seconds?” I grumble before swatting him back. Liam matches my stare with an equally nasty frown of his own as he twists away from me, taking my view of his healing wound with him.
“Could you please stop mothering me? I said it’s fine,” he growls before stepping away quickly and pulling his shirt back down into place. I scowl at him and reach out to grab his shirt again. I only got a small glance at the closed wound before he slapped me away, and I need to make sure it’s healing like it should and he has no signs of infection. Makeshift surgery inside an MC Bar doesn’t exactly spell sanitary.
“I’m not mothering you,” I say as I grip the hem of his shirt once more. “I’m just making sure you don’t die of staph infection, estúpido ,” I click my tongue against the roof of my mouth as I pull up on his shirt. Tatum chuckles from her seat by the window as Liam slaps my hand away yet again. I huff a harsh breath as he side steps away from me, further this time.
“Damnit, Liam?—"
“I said, it’s fine,” he grumbles as he stares at me with a hard brow and narrow lips. “I’m fine. I know the signs of an infection, and I am fully capable of taking care of it from here. It’s been over a week, and I haven’t died yet, so I’m going to need you to crawl out of my ass,” he says as he turns his back to me.
“Told you he was done playing patient,” Tatum hums as she flips a page in her magazine. I turn my scowl in her direction, furrowing my brows fiercely and flattening my lips tightly. I remember our conversation the other night about Liam’s waning endurance for my check-ins, I just prefer to ignore it.
If my frown has the intended effect of allowing her to read my mind, she doesn’t show it as she briefly glances up at me and chuckles. I roll my eyes and release an indignant breath. It’s as if neither of them even remembers how close he came to knocking on death's door.
You have been acting like a stage-five clinger lately. My inner voice reminds me.
I silence my growl of frustration. Of course, I can’t even get my own inner thoughts to agree with me. But, if I’m reflecting, I may have possibly, slightly , been overdoing it.
Slightly? Ha! You have assessed his well-healing wound at least four times daily since the incident. Not to mention constantly hovering over him. I’m pretty sure he can taste the kind of laundry detergent you use, you’re so far up his a ? —
I shake my head to cut off the line of thinking as I walk toward the other armchair next to Tatum. With an exasperated huff, I plop into the seat and wrap my arms around the scrub top in my hands before hugging it to my chest. I haven’t bothered to put it on yet. I don’t have to be at the hospital for another few hours, and it’s too damn hot to wear more layers than necessary, so I’m sticking with my tank top for now.
It's not like I’m meaning to be a pest. I’ve honestly just been trying to find ways to occupy my mind enough so I don’t have time to think about what happened with Declan last week.
You mean how he fucked you silly and made every single dark fantasy you’ve ever had come to life in a purely carnal way? Or how he so thoroughly ruined you for any other man, past or present, just like he vowed he would? Which is it? The bitch in my brain taunts.
I still feel the ghost of the ache he left behind. The sharp pain inflicted on my ass from his harsh bite. I still have a faint bruise shaped like a bite mark, something I’m reminded of every time I sit. And every time I feel that dull throb, it only makes my body recall the other aches as well.
Like the one in my sex that lingered for days afterward. I went from nothing in months, to the biggest dick I've ever seen in a matter of seconds. His sheer girth rendered me speechless, forcing me to eat every derogatory word I’ve ever uttered insinuating he was anything less than well-endowed. And even though I was drenched beyond measure from his depraved ministrations and wicked mouth, he managed to push me to my limits and beyond. The deep ache in my pussy throbs again as I remember him spreading me wide and pounding into me like a man possessed. My breath hitches quietly before I cross my legs and clear my throat.
I feel Tatum’s stare at the side of my head, but I ignore her as I watch my brother's back. He grips his leather jacket from the bed and slowly puts it on. My gaze fixates on the MC emblem on his back. The bony eyes filled with flames stare back at me now, just like they did that night with Declan. Only, those flames were not sewn into leather but burning bright within his own violet irises.
Something heavy settles in my chest as I think back on that look. The one he gave me after he found his release. After he fucked me into oblivion against the opposite side of the very mirror I’ve stared into too many times before.
He leaned his sweat-dampened forehead against mine, forcing me to see nothing other than the passionate flames licking his eyelashes. Our breath mingled between us as he held me there for so long, I didn’t think we would ever move again. Not that I wanted to . I wanted to stay in that moment forever. That one instant where there was nothing else besides us. There were no masks and secrets, no anger and venom, no hate. There were only the embers that twinkled behind those violet orbs. Fire of passion and ecstasy, enlightenment and contentment, but also flames of ruination.
He warned me about his lack of humility, threatened that he would be my ruin. Maybe it was just the ramblings of a sexually depraved mad woman, but I wanted him to claim me as his own and never let me go, regardless of his moral standing. I yearned for him to fulfill his promises to taint me for any other person when he was through. Who would have thought that being tarnished could feel so fucking good?
It’s odd, really. For the first time in my adult life, I’m not fretting over how it all felt so goddamn right. It’s an entirely new mindset for me, not feeling guilty or shameful for letting a man I barely know fuck me. For letting the dark and depraved things he whispered excite and captivate me completely. That voice in the back of my mind that always warned me against it has been silent since it happened. As if even she knows how much I needed this, needed to fully accept myself for who I am and what I like.
Wanting to be demeaned and indulging in all forms of depravity is just something I crave, and I no longer want to feel ashamed about it. Now, if only I can convince the man I desire as much as the nasty things he does to me to get on board.
After it was all over, after he finally broke the odd trance we had found ourselves in, he slowly slipped out of me and carefully placed me back on my feet. I remember swaying a bit as he supported me, exhaustion having taken root within my strength-depleted muscles. He kept his eyes locked on mine as he straightened my dress and fixed the mess he had made, even going as far as using his discarded shirt to use it to wipe up my residual arousal leaking from my sex.
I waited for the moment he would shut down. Waited for his mask to fall back into place and for his angry words to drip from his lips. After all, every single time he has touched me in the past, he has only ever expeditiously shut me out afterward. But, for some reason, he was different this time.
This time, his eyes never dulled as he led me up to my room. His lips never twisted cruelly as he kissed me softly and laid me down in bed. No sharp words lashed from his tongue as he held me tightly before sleep finally found me. In fact, no words were spoken at all. When I woke the next morning to find him no longer in my bed, I was left wondering if any of it had even happened at all. If it hadn’t been for the ache left behind, I would have believed it was all a fever dream.
So even if I haven’t seen him since, I relish the ache I can still vaguely feel. It only serves as a reminder of the one time Declan Morelli showed me a piece of his soul - his whole soul, not just the pretty parts.
I have to talk to him. Need to see if he has the same feelings I’m experiencing. But unfortunately, in true Declan fashion, he has yet again ghosted me.
It’s kind of his thing when things get too real.
So, instead of slamming my head against the brick wall that he is, I decided to keep my mind preoccupied to avoid thinking about him. And currently, my preoccupation is grabbing his keys from the hook next to the door.
“Um, where do you think you’re going?” I ask in a rush as I stand from my seat, tossing my top over the arm of the chair before stepping closer. “You can’t drive in your condition,” I declare.
His scowl deepens as I reach for his keys, but he backs up and stretches them behind him. He pushes my shoulder, forcing me to take a few steps back. His mouth flattens into a thin line as his cocoa eyes bore into me.
“Ah, ah, ah,” he scolds. “You and I both know how this is going to end, Sof,” he pushes me again as I attempt to hop and reach for his keys once more. “The only condition I’m suffering from is cabin fever. I’m going for a ride.”
Realizing I’m going to lose this battle very quickly, I stop pushing against him and opt for a different tactic. Releasing a loud breath, I place my hands on my hips and face Tatum angrily. “You just gonna let him go? He could very easily get into an accident, reopen his wound, and bleed to death on the fucking freeway,” I growl.
Tatum looks up abruptly from her magazine. Her eyes widen as she tosses it to the floor and quickly turns in her seat. My brows furrow in confusion as she scans the room as if searching for something. Liam chuckles softly behind me as I stare down the purple haired crazy lady.
“What are you doing?” I grumble, impatience dripping from each word.
She finally turns to face me again and relaxes back in her seat as she meets my gaze. Humor dances in her dark eyes as she cracks a smile. “I’m looking for the person you’re talking to because I know damn well you don’t expect me to get involved in this shit,” she says, raising her brows as she points between Li and I. “I know better than to get involved in sibling squabbles. You two stubborn asses are on your own.”
Heat flashes up my neck as she grins before retrieving her magazine from the floor. With a flamboyant flick of her wrist, she flips it open and finds her place again. As I turn to my smiling brother and open my mouth to speak, he cuts me off before I can utter a single word.
“Seriously, Sof, I’m finer than a frog hair,” he says as he opens his arms wide and does a ridiculous spin in front of me. I grit my teeth together as my eyes narrow before he places his big hands on my shoulders and shakes me slightly. “What happened to my cold-hearted sister? The one who would patch me up and then forget I existed until the next time I fucked up,” he laughs.
His question is like a punch to the gut. What happened to that girl? I can’t even pretend like that question hasn’t crossed my mind lately. Somewhere along the way, I've changed. I began letting these people in and found myself caring for them more than is probably safe.
Li shakes his head at my non-answer. “You did a good job of patching me up, and now I’m all better. But I won’t be if I have to stay cooped up one more second with my baby sis lodged firmly up my ass.” He grins at me with that same stupid boyish look he’s had since childhood. The same grin that always got him out of trouble when we were kids.
As if I have no control over it, I feel my lips start to tick up with a returning grin. I bite my lip to stop from smiling as I push his chest. He laughs as he teeters back a step.
“Fine,” I grumble before flicking my index finger up and pointing at him with a lighthearted scowl. “But if you wreck, go to a hospital. I don’t think I can handle fixing you like that again,” I mumble, letting a little of my truth shine through.
Saving him this last time almost wrecked me. If it hadn’t been for Declan’s brother helping me come out of the headspace I’d fallen into, who knows how I’d be right now. To him, it may seem like I’m worrying too much, but he doesn’t realize what it was like to be on the other side of all this. I was responsible for his life and death all at once, and having that much burden thrust at me so suddenly definitely left a mark in its wake.
His eyes, identical to my own, soften as he pulls me in for a hug. I wrap my arms around his middle as he presses his nose against the top of my head and inhales deeply. I squeeze him quickly and pull away. He grips my upper arms for a moment, smiling down at me.
“ Prometo ,” he whispers and drops his hands.
I give him a short nod as emotion swells in my chest. Quickly, I turn away from him and sit back in the chair next to Tate. I blink rapidly to clear the burning sensation forming behind my eyelids and keep my gaze locked on the ID badge attached to my scrub top. I flick it back and forth with my fingers while actively bottling up my unwelcome emotions.
Liam’s stare becomes almost unbearable before he finally turns and starts toward the door. I look up just as he opens it and faces us again. He grins at me before letting his gaze find Tate. His eyes soften toward her in a way I’ve only ever seen when he’s near her. The love between these two is palpable even when no words are spoken. I shift in my seat, feeling as though I need to leave the room when he finally speaks.
“You comin’, Mama ?” His voice is gravelly as he speaks to his love.
I stop fidgeting with my badge and flick my gaze to her, seeing the moment her lips stretch into a wide smile as she stands. She tosses her magazine on the chair before practically flouncing toward my brother. He wraps his big arm around her as she slides up to his side. She tilts her face up toward his, and he hovers over her lips.
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” she murmurs, and I look away, giving them their privacy. Not only for them but for myself as well. Witnessing the way they look at each other, the way my brother loves this woman so deeply, causes the knot in the pit of my stomach to swell. As they leave the apartment, leaving the door ajar, I understand why that knot has grown larger with each passing day.
Since Declan decimated me that night, this feeling in my gut has only intensified. Remembering how he looked at me after it was all over only causes it to grow larger. Liam has that same look in his eyes when he gazes at Tatum. That flame that refuses to be tamed. It dances and writhes within his soul when he looks at the woman he loves.
Are you trying to say Declan loves you? My internal voice questions.
Do I think Declan loves me? No… Maybe… I don’t know! All I know now is that when he looks at me, it doesn’t feel like hate anymore. I honestly don’t know if it ever really did. And if he doesn’t really hate me, I need to find out why he has tried to make me believe he does for all these years.
I could guess the obvious answer. He’s best friends with my big brother. But even that feels like too weak of a reason for a man like him. No, Declan is as stubborn as they come, and obstinate men will persist to get what they want. He would never let something as trivial as me being his best friend’s sister stop him from pursuing me if he truly desired to.
So, if that’s not it, what is it?
What is his reason for pushing me away? What’s his reason for keeping his past hidden from me so keenly? Why does he think he will ruin me? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I’m far beyond desperate to learn them.
Resolve thickens in my bloodstream as I slap my hands against the armrests and stand from my seat. I’m not going to find my answers sitting on my ass contemplating them. The only way I’m going to get the answers to my burning questions is by retrieving them straight from the source. Declan has hidden from me for long enough, and it’s far past time to drag him out.
Hardening my jaw, I stride confidently toward the door and step out into the hallway. I quickly pull it shut and head toward the stairs with determination in every step. But as I reach the newest apartment, I notice the door is slightly open, causing my brisk pace to falter.
Quietly, I step up to the studio. Curiosity rides me hard as I place my hands against the door. Liam mentioned that this was Declan’s new apartment; I wonder if he’s hiding inside. It would explain why I haven’t seen him if he’s been staying here instead of his studio across from mine.
My heart climbs up into my throat, and a dull ringing settles in my ears. Heat rushes to my face as I start to push the door open. My fingers are shaking as it swings wide, hoping to reveal the man just as mysterious as this place.
But what I see instead steals my breath right from my lungs.
I’ve forgotten how long it’s been since the last time I was up here, but to say the space looks different would be an understatement. The once concrete floor is now covered with dark, wooden flooring that I only saw in the box. Its rich coloring is slightly dimmed with construction dust, but I know once it's cleaned up, it will be a lush, beautiful dark wood that I’ll be extremely jealous of Declan for having.
All of the walls are covered with a deep green color that reminds me of home. Matching dark trim lies against the floor, ready to be hung. Artfully placed gold light pendants accent the industrial lofted ceiling. My gaze follows each one until they land upon the small kitchenette tucked in the corner.
Knowing better but deciding I don’t care, I step into the empty apartment and softly close the door behind me. My mouth parts on a quiet breath as I take in the small gothic-themed kitchenette. There are no countertops yet, but judging by the color scheme of the entire apartment, I would say that whatever he chooses, it will look absolutely–
“Perfect,” I mumble to myself.
I can’t keep the smile from my lips as I run my hands along the dark wooden cabinets. Even though it’s much smaller than the one in my old home, I still envy Declan for having this.
My chest aches as a swell of sadness rises. I know it’s silly, but I miss having my own kitchen. I may not have been the greatest cook, but I always enjoyed trying new things and experimenting with new flavors. It's something I haven’t been able to do since the fire. I hadn’t realized until now that I even missed that part of who I used to be.
Is that the only part of your old self you miss?
The internally voiced question jars me. Do I miss the old me? Is there even a version of myself left behind to miss? I feel like any old version of myself burnt up within the flames engulfing my old home, taking with it the memory of myself.
I know without a doubt that I am no longer the person I used to be. Having been forced to live amongst the MC‘s chaos has definitely altered me in ways that are irreversible at this point.
I used to be a true loner. I would have sooner sawed my own arm off than go to a simple girls' night in the past. And yet, I just hosted my first one a week ago. Although it did get cut short, I still consider it a win. And now that I think of it, it goes much deeper than that.
Even just a year ago, I had no need or want for a close familial bond. I was fine with only seeing my family on holidays or big events, like weddings. Sure, I always saw Liam a little more often than the others, but that was honestly all I allowed. Li isn’t wrong to call me cold-hearted; I have always been frigid at best. I shut people out; it’s what I do. I shut down any real opportunity to become closer with others before it has a chance to bloom into anything more. But living with Liam and his chosen family, and being involved in their lives, has made me crave more as of late.
I've grown tired of allowing myself to be excluded. Tired of being too afraid to let others see me. It’s a childish notion to think that people will leave you once you let them in. It's time for me to let go of that belief, even if it’s scary.
For the first time in my life, I want to have people to hold on to. And with their chaotic entrance, the urge to push everyone away has dwindled more and more with each passing day. Seeing how this family is always there for one another has made me realize that not all people are just waiting for the moment they can abandon you.
As I step away from the small kitchen, a warm feeling in my stomach spreads with the realization that I want this . I want to be surrounded by this family that cares so deeply for one another. I want the friendships that refuse to be ignored and discarded. I want to understand the man who has pushed me away just as much as I have everyone else.
I need to find Declan. Need to discover why he continues to push me away when the flames in his eyes scream in opposition. Has he done it to protect his heart as I have mine? Since the moment I met him, I’ve felt the need to learn more about him. A dark curiosity that has only grown with time. It was only through our mutual stubbornness that this senseless feud has been allowed to continue.
No more.
It’s far past time for me to unravel the very fabric that binds his soul together. I’ve decided this is the path I want to take. And I want him by my side. But I need to know if he wants this as much as I do. I just need to find him.
Turning on my heels, I quickly head for the door. But before I can take a single step, the dark figure looming by the bathroom door causes me to stumble. I swallow nervously as the object of my fervent desire leans against the doorframe and stares me down. A fine tremble climbs my spine as his violet eyes devour me as if he’s a starved predator.
“Are you lost, La Mia Alba ?”