Chapter 22
TWENTY-TWO
DECLAN
The smell of fresh paint coats the insides of my sinuses so thoroughly that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to clear the scent completely. Still, I spread the last coat in the small bathroom where I'm standing. Glancing around once more, I feel a sense of accomplishment at how far this place has come in just the last month. By stepping into this apartment, it's evident how I have been spending most of my time since Sofee started living here.
Stepping back from the wet wall, I let the roller fall to my side as I admire the feminine bathroom that’s supposed to be mine. A short breath leaves my nose as I scoff at myself. I can’t even make myself believe that this place was ever going to be for me.
The large cream-colored freestanding tub is hint enough of that. Am I the type of guy who would enjoy a nice long bath? Hell no. This expensive soaker isn’t for me. Just like the pretty golden light fixtures that match the vanity knobs and sink faucet weren’t selected with my own tastes in mind. I don’t care about any of these things. Give me a somewhat operational shower and a toilet that flushes, and you’ll never hear a complaint from me. No, all these hand-placed tiles and fancy flourishes were never meant for me. All these things I’ve purchased over the last few months have been selected with only one thing on my mind. The one person I should stop thinking about but for the life of me can’t.
I thought getting a taste of Sofee, having ownership over her body, and stealing her pleasure just for one night would free me from this obsession. I believed I could fuck her out of my system with one passionate night, and it’s almost comical how mistaken I was.
Ever since the moment I slipped inside her warmth and finally allowed myself a respite from the agony that has been the last few months of my life, she has since destroyed me. Irrevocably, she has consumed every single thought and action I’ve had since the first moment her slick heat and softness fully enveloped me.
I used to come up here for a small reprieve from the maddening thoughts. Of the dark, distasteful fantasies always featuring her at the center. But it seems that the more I've worked on this studio apartment, the harder it is to ignore her presence. She's intertwined in every aspect of my work - in every grain of the wooden floor, every stroke of paint, every splatter of grout, and every sharp nail driven through the walls. The thought of her is deeply ingrained in everything this place has become. And at this point, there is no hope of undoing it.
I could demolish this apartment back down to its bare bones. Could rip everything down to the studs and start fresh, and she would still reside here. It seems that no matter where I go or what I do, she will always be there, lingering within each corner of my mind. Her wails of passion and sharp words coated in venom. Her beautiful features contorted in blissful release or frowning with aggression. Every piece of her will forever consume my mind so completely that there is no clear route to escape.
This place may have once been where I came to ignore the small female I've become obsessed with, but it has transformed into something entirely different. Taking her for the first time opened my eyes to the true purpose of this place for me. I've discovered that it's no longer a place where I can come to take out my frustrations. No longer is it a place I can come to escape her. Now I realize it has always been a sanctuary where I can be shamelessly surrounded by her.
It's the guilt that has chased me here today. The insidious conscience that has ridden me hard since I first witnessed her unraveling for me. A shot of lust tingles down my spine as I recall the sight of her crumbling in my hands. Beautifully untamed as she savored each sensation of the dark pleasure I gave her. The same sinister passion she ignited in me when she begged me to ruin her.
The way she pleaded so prettily for my corruption almost made me believe she truly wanted me to taint her for all others. I allowed myself to believe that she wanted me as much as I did in that moment, and I never wanted to return to a reality where it could never be so.
Because at the end of the day, I'm merely a dark fantasy for her, a perverted curiosity she needed to satisfy. Good girls like her never end up with horrendous heathens like me. I can never allow her to actually ruin her life by being with the likes of me in any permanent capacity.
Right . I nearly scoff at myself again. As if I’ll be able to let her go now.
Placing the roller back into the tray full of paint, I roll my shoulders back in hopes of relieving some of the tension building there. I lean against the cream-colored vanity and stare at my reflection.
My eyes look dull, even to me. The dark circles shadow the thin skin under the violet orbs, showing the world how tired I am. I haven’t been able to sleep lately, not with her being so close yet so far away from me. Even just walking past her door these last few days has become unbearable. I can’t stand the thought of her being just in the next room and not being able to touch her. But even if I can’t physically reach her, I have another way to still be with her.
Pushing away from the vanity, I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone. If anyone knew how many times I have used TSA in the last week alone, they would arrest me for stalking. Swiping my thumb across the screen, I pull up the app with sheer muscle memory and press the audio button. I know she doesn’t work for another few hours, but most of the time I can still hear her as long as she’s near her name tag. But right now, the only sound emanating from the small speaker is a soft static.
Am I sick for listening in without her knowledge? Yes . But I simply can't resist at this point. If I can’t be with her in person, this seems like the next best thing. So I don’t fucking care if it’s morally questionable to listen in on her without her knowledge. It’s not like I’ve ever been held to a higher ethical standard before she came into my life, so why would that change now?
But even if listening in every day is helping to curb my appetite for her, my addiction is still becoming too much to bear.
So, for that reason alone, I’ve been camping out here. Sleeping on a makeshift bed, constructed of thick blankets, in the corner of the main room to escape her. Ironically, now that I can no longer evade her here, sleep has been completely elusive.
So, in order to ignore my crippling exhaustion, I’ve been working tirelessly to get this place ready. Ready for what, I’m not sure. I now realize I will never be able to live here with the essence of her lingering so strongly.
The sound of shuffling feet in the next room pulls my attention away from my phone. Cocking my head to the side, I face the doorway that leads to the main room. Suddenly, the shuffling stops, and the sound of a small gasp sends a jolt of awareness shooting down my spine.
“Perfect,” a soft voice mutters.
Excitement and panic surge through my nervous system as I hear the one distant word coming from all too familiar lips. I mindlessly lock the screen on my phone and place it on the vanity before stepping over to the open doorway and peering out.
The sight of all my affections standing in the middle of an apartment crafted with her in mind, is almost enough to steal my breath from my chest. My heartbeat quickens as I watch my addiction step into the small kitchenette.
Like everything else in the space, I chose those cabinets with her in mind. Even though the kitchen in her old home was white and not black, I felt that the black fit better in the space. And judging by her admiring gaze at the dark furniture, it’s clear I made the correct decision.
She hasn’t figured out I’m standing here watching her yet, so I take the moment to observe her reactions to the place I’ve subconsciously built for her.
Pride envelops me like a mother's hug as she runs her fingers along the dark cabinets. The warmth continues to rise within me until I feel it spreading to my extremities. The urge to run to her and gather her into my arms is becoming almost too much to bear.
I barely restrain myself and force my arms to cross over my chest. I hold them tightly as I lean against the doorframe, feigning a relaxed nature I don’t feel.
Staying put, I watch from a distance as she runs her delicate fingers against the still-wrapped, black appliances, making me illogically jealous of the kitchen itself. I can tell from here that she is deep in her own thoughts, and I find myself increasingly curious about them.
Are her thoughts just as consumed with me as mine are with her? Did she come here in search of more perverted delights? Does she really want this?
My questions hound me one after another, my inner voice becoming so loud in its inquisition that it’s driving me mad. Shaking my head, I clear the thoughts before settling my gaze on the small, curvy Latina I crave more than any other form of sustenance. If she’s come to seek me out, it’s past time to come out of hiding. I’m just not sure what coming into the light entails. But I’m about to find out.
I keep my eyes fixed on her as she finally moves away from the kitchen and spins to face me. When she catches sight of me, I feel a devilish smile trying to break free as her eyes widen in surprise. I school my features as I address the object of all my affections.
“Are you lost, La Mia Alba ?” I ask, relishing the way her pulse jumps in her throat. I’ve startled her, caught her off guard with my presence. Good . She always throws me off kilter just by being near, so it's nice to have her on equal ground for once.
“Declan,” she breathes my name, and I close my eyes briefly as echoes of her calling my name ricochet around my mind. My dick twitches to life within an instant, seeking the refuge I’ve so cruelly denied it.
I stay still, refusing to move from my spot against the doorway. I fear that being so close to her, I won’t be able to control myself if I move any closer. So, I simply stand still and keep my heated gaze locked on her.
Her wild black curls are loose today, free of any constraint, delicately caressing her beautiful face. Her eyes are sharp, as if she hasn’t suffered from the same sleepless affliction as I have. Why would she? She has nothing to feel guilty about. That shame lies firmly on my head, not hers.
My gaze travels down to her lips, the plump appendages I can still feel behind my teeth, still taste on my tongue. My nostrils flare as I tighten my jaw in restraint. The need to fully ravage her resurfaces strongly enough to make me tear my eyes away from her supple mouth.
But I realize my mistake as my gaze is immediately drawn to her bare cleavage. She wears a simple white tank top with those goddamn curve-hugging maroon-colored scrub pants today. The thin straps on her shoulders fight to remain whole under the strain as her heavy tits weigh them down. Her breath expands her chest, bringing my attention to her slightly puckered nipples just below the fabric.
I barely stifle my groan as she clears her throat and holds her hands together in front of her, the movement pressing her breasts together in an oh-so-tempting way that has me rabid with the need to dominate. Forcing my eyes away from her voluptuous curves, I steady my gaze on her eyes before I do something foolish. Again .
“I was looking for you,” she says as her eyelashes flutter rapidly. She worries her hands in front of her again, picking at her nails.
I say nothing, keeping my aloof stare locked onto hers. My silence may seem like a power move, but in reality, my blinding need for her is making it too difficult to speak. I watch her carefully as she steps closer to me. The urge to run in the opposite direction rides me hard, causing my heart to skip a beat.
The silence stretches between us, neither of us willing to be the first one to break it. I can only attest to my own reasoning for not speaking, and it makes me wonder what holds back her tongue this time. I furrow my brows in a scowl as I stare at her, willing her to continue with my unspoken impatience. I’m nearing my breaking point with each moment that ticks on, my feet itching to run. Until finally, she finds her words.
“You’ve done a lot to the place.” She flicks her brown eyes away from me quickly and shifts on her feet. Rubbing her hands down her thighs, she steps closer to the long row of windows facing the parking lot. The sun gathers in her inky ringlets, making my fingers violently jealous of the light. Her eyes shimmer under the sunlight as she glances at me again. My fists clench tightly before I push away from the doorway, needing to chase away this restlessness.
Her fingers lightly graze against the dark wall next to the windows. She smiles then, nearly driving me to my fucking knees. “I really like your choice in p?—
“Paint,” I cut her off with a sharp bite before grabbing my discarded paint roller in a clattering rush. I hold it up for her to see, and a large glob of the green pigment dribbles onto my fingers and the back of my hand before I quickly toss it back into the tray. The loud racket causes the muscles in her neck to jump as her nostrils flare. I tighten my jaw. “Which I am still in the process of applying,” I growl before turning my back to her. I glance over my shoulder as I grab a discarded paint rag. “So, you should go,” I dismiss her while swiping angrily at my hand, smearing the thick paint worse than before.
I refuse to look at her as I listen to the hitch in her breath. I don’t want to see the sullen look I put in her eyes. My shoulders tense, inching closer to my ears as her soft footsteps sound somewhere behind me. I wonder if she’s heading toward the door until her husky voice resonates right behind me.
“How much longer does this need to go on before you just talk to me?” she whispers, but it sounds as though she’s shouting the words into the back of my skull.
I try my best to remain still, but my body feels like it’s about to erupt at any moment. The surplus of nervous energy continues to swell with each pregnant, silent second that stretches into the next. Maybe if I say nothing at all, she’ll leave it alone.
“If you want me to leave, please, just tell me this one thing. How long do I need to wait to get some damn answers from you?” Her voice is strained by emotion, the sound threatening to snap me under the pressure. “I just want to know you. Maybe I can learn something about you that’s real for once. Anything that will enlighten me as to why you seem to push me away while simultaneously pulling me in. And you are making that impossible.” I can hear the frustration coating her words. My gut clenches as her footsteps draw nearer until I can feel her heat radiating against my back.
“Everyone important to me shuts me out, Declan. As if I’m too fragile to know things that aren’t superficially pleasant. And goddamnit, I’m stronger than I look and I can handle the unpleasant things too.” Her voice trembles with a yearning for the ugly truth.
A chuckle bubbles in my chest until it finally climbs my throat. The noise sounds far from joyous. My smile spreads across my lips, making a mockery of the fire burning low in my gut. I shake my head as I finally turn to face the short female at my back. She cranes her neck to meet my gaze, her lips parting on a breath as the pulse in her throat jumps.
I can’t help it now. Her being so close to me has made every better sense I’ve ever had go flying out the fucking window. I crowd her and allow my hand to graze up her arm until I reach just below her ear. I cup her jaw, and she leans into me, trusting me far more than she should.
“My past is nothing but an unpleasant thing, La Mia Alba ,” I murmur softly. Her eyes find my lips and seem to glaze over as I swipe my thumb across her lower lip. “I shut you out to save you from it.”
Her eyes widen as they search mine. Her brows furrow as she silently poses the question I had always hoped to avoid.
I never wanted to tell Sofee about Alana. It’s comical, really. If I had wanted her to hate me all this time, I could have simply told her about the woman I buried back in New York. I’ve always had the means to permanently shut this door, but I was too cowardly to do so. The truth about the blood that still drips from these fingers could make her immediately lose interest in anything related to me. Yet, I have never found the courage to confess my sins to her.
And now that it’s finally time to tell her about my past, the idea of her despising me leaves me with a hollow sensation inside my soul. Now that I must tell her, I would do anything not to have her hate me again.
“The last woman to get involved with me was murdered because of who I am, Sofee,” I say in a much clearer voice than I thought I possessed. Noting the hitch in her breath, I pull away from her. Forcing my hand to drop to my side, I step back further into the small bathroom. She stays still as I continue. “Her blood is on my hands. I killed the last woman I—” I trail off, unable to finish the sentence that would finally proclaim my true feelings for the woman in front of me.
I clear my throat and roll my shoulders back. “I ruined her life. Tainted any kind of future she may have had simply because she loved me,” I state matter-of-factly. Holding her gaze captive in mine, I allow my mask to drop a fraction. “I don’t want to do that to you.” My breath is heavy as it escapes my chest, leaving behind a restless tremor. “I won’t do that to you,” I declare.
She stands in front of me, blocking my only way out. The urge to flee creates a fine vibration in my muscles that sinks into my bones. Her eyes bounce back and forth between mine as she contemplates her next words. And I see the moment her better judgment fades into the background.
“What about what I want?” she asks. I swallow thickly and clench my jaw tight, my restraint slowly slipping with her words. She quickly wets her lips before continuing. “What if I’m asking you to take the chance that maybe… maybe this time it would be different?”
“That’s not a good idea.” I shake my head, denying her request even as my soul screams in opposition. I step forward, looking for a way around her without touching her. I’m barely holding my shit together now. There is no telling what will happen if I get my hands on her again.
She slides to her right, blocking my exit completely. She holds her hands out to stop me. “Look, I don’t know what this is, this… thing you’ve awakened within me,” she breathes and places her palm over her chest as if she can feel something writhing inside. “But it’s there and it’s alive and it refuses to be shoved back down and ignored. It’s not just about the things you do to me, but about the way you make me feel.”
Her words drive a confounded scoff from me. I sniff and shake my head abruptly. Tightening my lips into a thin line, I glance over at the bathtub I bought with her in mind, refusing to let myself look at her as she continues to speak.
“You make me feel as if, for the first time in my life, I have something that is just for me. I’m experiencing something that’s real and raw. I’m not forced to be something I’m not,” she speaks with deep emotion, her words garbled. The sound forces me to look at her again. She’s not even looking at me now as she dissociates from the world around us, and I hold my breath as she continues. “I’m not being bent to the will of someone else, but finally surrendering to my own instead. I want this,” she says as she pats her chest and glances up at me again. Her chocolate-colored eyes glisten as she studies me. “And I want this with you.”
“Sofee,” I growl, but she ignores my warning altogether as she forges on and steps closer to me, slowly suffocating what remains of my restraint.
“I don’t believe that you killed anyone because they dared to love you, Declan. How could I when it’s obvious how much you loved her too?” My chest hitches at her words. Her eyes become glassy as if she feels my pain.
She steps closer to me and I retreat like a coward until I'm cornered between her and the vanity. Still, she advances until her intoxicating scent washes away the lingering smell of paint. I’m nearly clawing out of my skin as she places her warm hands on my chest and crowds me. Her lips part as her dark gaze locks with mine.
“I don’t care if you tarnish me beyond recognition,” she vows as her hands climb to my shoulders. She presses her lush tits against me, causing me to grip the vanity countertop, digging my fingers into the hard surface until they ache from the exertion. Still, I white-knuckle my way into some form of control. She steps up onto her tiptoes and brings her lips to the hollow of my throat. Her breath fans over my overheated flesh as she continues.
“Because for the first time in my life, I want to fight for myself.” Her words moisten the skin on my throat, causing my balls to tighten. “For what I want,” she whispers as her lips finally graze against me. “For what I need.” A tremor runs down my spine as she kisses my throat. The urge to grind myself against her is becoming too much to bear. But before she drives me up the wall completely, she pulls away just enough to meet my cloudy gaze once more. “And I don’t know why, but I want you, you stubborn asshole.”
A huff of laughter escapes me. Her delicate hands climb from my shoulders until her fingers dance in the hair at the nape of my neck. My hands loosen their grip on the countertop as she pulls my face closer to hers. I bend toward her, drunk from her attention. Our breath mingles between us as my lips hover over hers.
“I want all of you,” she whispers. “The good, the bad, the bloody. I want it all. And I need to know if you want me too.”
“Do I want you?” I scoff with a pained smile, my words finally finding their way out. My hands find her waist, grasping onto her like a lifeline. I quickly turn her in my arms and pull her back to me. I revel in the way her breath catches in her throat as she feels my cock press against her lower back. I lean down until my lips are right above her ear. “Look around you, Sofee,” I whisper.
My fingers dance restlessly against her hips, finding their way under the soft fabric of her tank top. She sighs against me as I finally reveal my truth.
“This started as a way to get away from you,” I say. “An oasis in the desert that is my suffocating need to see you. To know what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with. To be with you.” I pull at the hem of her top until the fabric rises. Her warmth seeps into me as my fingers find her soft skin.
“At some point, I stopped fixing up this apartment for myself, and it became a place for me to put you,” I admit. “A little box where I could put everything that reminded me of you.” Her breath leaves her in labored puffs, causing her tits to lift and push out of her top, revealing more of her creamy cleavage to my deviant gaze. My mouth waters at the sight. “But you're too much for a little box,” I bite as my hands rise, pulling her top with them. Slowly, my knuckles brush against her ribs and then the bottom of her breasts. Without pausing, I continue lifting the fabric until her tight nipples peek out from the bottom. Soon, the tight white tank is up and over her breasts as I expose them to the room and my hungry eyes. “It won't hold you.”
Letting the gathered fabric settle above her breasts, I release it and lower my hands. Her fingers find my shirt behind her, gripping onto me. Her lust drowns me with each heavy breath as I caress her. Unable to restrain myself any longer, I grind myself against her as she fills my palms. I squeeze her roughly as I continue.
“No matter how hard I try, I can't put you anywhere to keep you out of my mind. You’re in every single decision I make, everything I have done to this place… it’s all been for you.” Her breath stutters in her chest as I reveal my secret. My fingers pinch and play with her taut nipples until she’s squirming against me with desire. I growl and lean closer to her ear, nipping her lobe before pulling my hand away from her abruptly. I present my hand in front of her, showing her the nearly dry-smeared paint on the back of it.
“You think I like this color?” I ask, but don’t give her time to reply before I replace it just below her lonely breast. My fingers caress her ribs. “I don’t,” I growl. “I fucking hate this color. It's ugly and reminds me of baby shit,” I pause as she laughs, the sound expanding this odd warmth in my chest. “But I know it’s your favorite.”
Her playful smile vanishes as my fingers leave her ribs and continue their descent. She wiggles against me, making my spine curl with pleasure as she rubs her thick ass against me. My other hand continues to play and pluck at her nipple as I allow her to see just how deep my obsession has grown.
“Just like I know you talk to yourself constantly. Full-blown conversations. Like a fucking crazy person,” I breathe as my fingers find the waistband of her scrubs. I graze them against the sexy swell of her belly before dipping below the soft fabric. “I know when you’re worried about something, you pick at your thumbs. So you never paint your fingernails because what's the point when you're just going to pick off the polish?”
A shiver wracks her body as I tug at the strings on her scrubs. When the tight fabric loosens, I slide inside to find her bare. A groan rumbles from my chest as her arousal coats my fingers. She moans and arches into me as I find her clit and circle the thumping bud.
“But you like to paint your toes,” I whisper before biting her neck. She gasps and quakes against me as my fingers continue to build her up into a frenzy. “And you only like two different colors. Fire engine red or pure white; there are no other options.” She bucks against my hand, surrendering to her lust as I continue to tease her.
“So, the answer to your question is no. I don’t want you. It’s offensive to think that such a word as 'want' could ever describe how I feel about you,” I say as her hips move in time with my fingers. My maddening need to possess her consumes me completely as she fucks my hand. “I hate you, Sofee,” I say.
She gasps and tries to pull away from me, but I hold her tightly. I tweak her nipple hard before smacking it with a fleshy slap. A flood of arousal coats my fingers anew as she hisses between her teeth.
“So much so that every single thought I’ve ever had of you has filled me with so much rage I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be calm,” I growl as I push my fingers further through her slippery center. Without being told, she spreads her legs for me like a good girl. I silently praise her and slip my fingers inside her sopping cunt. Her moans turn into whimpers as I’m enveloped by her.
“And yet, even though I loathe you, I cannot stop thinking about you to the point of mania. Enhancing my need to claim you so completely that you may lose yourself permanently within the abyss that is my fucking soul.” I thrust my fingers into her, propelling her further into the storm raging between us.
Needing to see her features contorted in pleasure, I grip her throat and turn us quickly. I lean against the wall opposite the vanity so the mirror is in front of us. My gaze gobbles up the sight of her so beautifully undone for me. Her nipples are red and swollen from my rough treatment. Her harsh breathing makes the heavy globes tremble with exertion.
Needing to see more, I roughly yank down her bottoms until her pussy is on display for me. Returning my paint-covered fingers to her, I spread her lips open so I may see my prize. Her clit is practically begging for my attention as I pull her apart. Though it’s nearly impossible, I pull my gaze away from her wet cunt and meet her droopy eyes in the mirror.
“I do not want you, Sofee. I crave you. So much so that it has become a fucking addiction. I’m well and truly obsessed with you, La Mia Alba ,” I growl before slipping my fingers back inside her weeping entrance.
“When you say things like that to me, claiming you want more of these dark pleasures that only I can provide, it makes me ravenous to savor every bit of you. To make the flavor of you a permanent resident on my tongue. To ensure the essence of you lingers in every cell of my fucking body,” I breathe against her neck as I finger fuck her with purpose. Her pussy tightens around me as her muscles spasm of their own volition.
“So, if what you truly want is for me to tarnish you, say the words,” I demand as I curve my fingers inside of her and grip her jaw with my other hand, forcing her to meet my gaze as I move inside her. I shake my head as she flounders for her words.
“Don’t feign ignorance, Brat. Those words have already dripped from these cum-craving lips once before,” I snarl as I pull her jaw until she’s looking over her shoulder at me. I hover over her lips as her hurried breath intertwines with mine. “I need to hear them again. Need to ingrain them in my memory so I can call upon them once you realize your mistake,” I admit before rubbing my parted lips over hers. Her body vibrates against me with my fingers buried deep inside of her. I grip her jaw harshly, loving the way her eyes tighten with pain. “Get on your fucking knees and say it,” I demand harshly.
Her soft hands find my arms and hold onto me as her cocoa gaze clears of lust for a split second, allowing me to glimpse inside her bright soul. I open up once more, revealing every broken part of me to her until we are no longer two separate beings. No longer complete opposites but a single unified mind and soul.
Her lips part, and her pretty little tongue darts out to wet them. My cock jumps behind my jeans again as she pulls out of my arms and turns to face me. I drop my hands to my sides, even as they itch to grab her again. She doesn’t bother to fix her clothing as she keeps her dark gaze on me and gracefully sinks to her knees at my feet. White-hot lust licks my spine as she does exactly as I demand. Fear snakes down my spine and weaves together seamlessly with my blind devotion to this woman as she looks up at me like a sinner repenting to her God. And I know with her next words, I will never be the same man I once was.