47. Alessia
CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
ALESSIA
N ow that my memories are back, it’s all I see every time I close my eyes. I see Miles and then I see Astor. I can’t figure out why I’m so focused on Astor from that day. I also can’t figure out why I’m so pissed, but every day that passes, it’s not at him. It’s at my parents and myself. Myself because for the last six years, I let myself believe that it was in my head. I let myself believe that I wasn’t missing anything. I always knew something was wrong, that pieces were missing. Of my life. Of whom I was. I’m pissed at my parents because they honestly thought keeping this away from me was a smart thing to do.
When I wake up today, I feel better. My mind feels clearer and I feel ready to get the answers I want. Starting with the list of people who are going to pay for letting this asshole get away with this.
I slept more last night than I had the last couple of nights. Talking to Astor did help, but I still hate how my body chooses to react to him.
When he slammed against the wall, I wanted to tear his clothes off him. I wanted him to fuck me so hard that I forgot about the shitty past week I’d had.
Before I realize it, my hand is mindlessly traveling under the covers to my pussy. I dip a finger in, gasping when it’s soaked. Shaking my head at myself, I yank it away and flip the covers back.
The shower wakes me up. I take a little longer than normal to wash my hair and let myself have a moment.
Again, that day flashes in front of me.
Astor can’t handle you, tornado.
I saw you two together, you looked unsatisfied.
I knew you wanted me, that why this door is open?
I already know he’s going to die. The moment I found out what he did to me I had already made that decision. But I want it to be calculated. I want my mind to be clear. I want him to know I’m coming and that there’s nothing he can do about it.
And I know just how to do that and just who to help me do it.
My husband.
When my bare feet reach the bottom of the staircase, I can hear the TV on. I peek over on the couch and see Astor still sleeping. I watch him for a moment, taking in his face. He looks tired, stressed. There’s a furrow in his brow and his hands are in fist on either side of him. He shivers a bit and I grab the blanket off the back of the couch, gently covering him. I know I’m putting him through the wringer, I know he's worried about me, but I need to take it at my own pace. I need to let him back in at my own pace.
I push his hair out of his face and his eyes jerk open in a startle, grabbing my hand.
“It’s just me. Go back to sleep,” I mutter to him. He entwines our fingers and his breathing slows again. I look down at our conjoined hands and sigh and when I look back at him. He’s sound asleep again.
I slowly untangle my hand from his, grabbing my jacket and the keys as I leave to head to Caroline’s.
My phone rings almost immediately. When I look down, I see it’s my mother. I sigh to myself, deciding today everyone gets their one chance to explain to me why the fuck they hide the last six years from me.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Alessia, you answered,” she responds quickly.
“I did. What is it?”
“I…I wanted to check on you. It’s been a few days and I couldn’t get in touch with you.”
“I didn’t want to talk, Mom.”
“Can I tell you my side?” I sigh, but stay silent as she starts to speak. “You were sixteen. You had just finished your training with your father and everyone was starting to notice you. Men, of all ages. It was hard for me, hard for me to protect you from everyone. You and Astor had been close. We always knew it’d be you two together, but Miles’ father had become close with Ander and Xavier. And with that, Miles started coming around, too. You were closed off, usually. Your training made you dark . Ruthless, even, but for some reason, you allowed Miles in your friend circle. That day, I felt off around him. I kept seeing him look at you when he thought no one was looking, so I stayed close. Your father and the others were in his office drinking and I had stepped out for a second, taking a phone call. A damn phone call. I didn’t hear you scream. I failed you that day. I felt something was off and I didn’t say anything. My little girl was taken from me that day because I didn’t say what I knew. That he was always after you. I can’t apologize enough. I got you in therapy immediately and I wanted to tell you, but when I started to tell you scraps of that day, you’d relapse and stop talking again. We tried letting Astor tell you, but it was worse. Your therapist thought it’s because he saw you in that moment. So, she told us it would be best to let you remember on your own. She said that when you were strong enough to handle it, that you’d remember. But we wanted to tell you, ok? I fought and fought with your father for making them sign those contracts. I hated him for so long for it.”
“How’d you stop? Hating him, I mean.”
“ Figlia , he carried the guilt every day. And every day that passed, I saw how much it haunted him even more. I decided he was hating himself enough for all of us. I let it go and I chose to try the therapist’s way. Even when I saw how you reacted if you were touched by any boyfriend or date you’d have. This secret has been over our heads for six years. I know you’re blaming Astor for not telling you, and I know you’re upset with your father and me for that matter, but he’s your husband. You need him and he needs you. Stay mad at us, if that’s what you need to do, but don’t make him suffer. He stopped by last night and it’s tearing him apart.”
I swipe at the tear that slides down my face, gathering my thoughts together. Because that part of my memory was still missing. I kept wondering where my parents were. How’d no one notice me missing? How’d no one see him following me.
“Alessia, you still there?”
“I’m here, I’m sorry. I don’t want you to think it was your fault. It wasn’t. If he was truly after me, it would’ve happened another day, if not that day. I forgive you, Mama, I do. But I can’t forgive Dad. He made Astor sign a contract. He made me believe he hated me for six years.”
“He’s your father…you have to try. For me, please try.”
“I’ll try, but I’m not ready to see him.”
“And Astor?”
“He’s my husband, Mom. And besides, I can’t leave him, anyway. I signed a contract, remember?”
“You love him?”
“It’s the only reason I’m still there, Mom.”
When I get to Caroline’s, I feel….good. My mom gave me the last piece I needed. I can’t forgive my father so soon and I’m still not ready to see him. But I can begin to put the pieces back together.
I pull up next to Justin’s car and use my key to let me into Caroline’s place. It’s quiet, so I guess they’re still sleeping, but that’s about to change.
I push the door open to her room and they’re both sleeping. I chuckle and round to Caro’s side.
“Bitch, slide over and let me in.” She cracks her eye open and groans before sliding over. “How are you feeling?”
“Alessia? Why are you in this bed?” Justin asks, sitting up on his elbows. I look over at him and shrug.
“Get out, Justin. I need my best friend. How about you go be with yours?”
“Don’t you have three others that you can climb into bed with? Preferably not the one that is healing from being shot?”
“Justin, go. Take Ast some breakfast or something,” Caroline says. He shakes his head and laughs, giving her kiss and flipping me off as he climbs out of bed. Caroline turns to face me and raises her eyebrows.
“Now, seriously, why are you in my bed this early?”
“I almost masturbated this morning,” I say, turning over onto my back and looking up at her ceiling. She makes a gagging noise and I scowl her. “You overshare all the time,” I remind her.
“Why does it matter if you did or not?” she asks.
“Because it was to Astor.”
“So? He’s your husband.”
“But I’m mad at him.”
“And you fucked him when you so called hated him. Who cares? Also, you’re not mad at him . You’re just mad.”
“Actually, I don’t think I am anymore. I woke up feeling better. I talked to my mom, got some clarity.” My phone rings and I pull it out of my pocket to see Astor’s name on the screen. I look at Caro and she nudges me. “Come on, you were gonna use him for pleasure this morning, at least answer.” She laughs as she rolls over to her side, groaning in pain a little.
“Hi,” I say. He clears his throat and I can tell when he responds that he’s just woken up. His voice is raspy and still sounds tired.
“You were gone when I woke up.”
“I’m at Caro’s.” There’s silence on the other end and I know what he wants to ask, but I also know he’s trying to give me the space I need. “I’m coming back, just wanted to see her.”
“Can we have lunch today?” Caro says, nudging in the conversation. I give her a major side eye and she shrugs, snatching the phone out of my hand and putting it on speaker. “Astor! Yoohoo, it’s me, the person that got shot at your wedding. I want to have lunch today. Bring me the best or don’t come at all. You can get your wife back after.”
“Caroline, you sound well,” he says, chuckling.
“I’m as well as I can be.” She slowly throws her legs over the side of the bed and I jump up to help her up. She swats me away and sticks her tongue out at me. “I’m going for a shower; Justin is still here. He’ll help.” She winks at me and I gently shove her as she laughs. I pick up the phone and put it to my ear.
“Sorry about that.”
“Are you ok with lunch?” I roll my lips together and sigh.
“Yes, I’m ok with it.” He sighs and the line is quiet.
“I...” He stops again and clears his throat before speaking, “I love you, malyshka .”
“See you soon, Ast,” I say, hanging the phone up with a sly smile.
“He ok?” Justin asks, stuffing his arms into a hoodie.
“Yeah. I guess so?”
“Lessia, you have to talk to him. Last night was…rough.”
At this point, I’m intrigued.
“What happened last night?”
“He searched for Miles for hours, he was fucking ruthless. We were with him; we couldn’t stop him. He wasn’t in control, and we know if there’s one thing Astor always has, it’s his control. He went to your parents and let your father have it. They assumed he was drunk, he wasn’t. He didn’t have a drop of alcohol last night. He didn’t want to miss anything. He refused to go home because you weren’t talking to him. Because you wouldn’t let him touch you. Something about you saying you need space. You know, this isn’t my place at all, but Alessia, if I were in his shoes and it was Caroline, I don’t know how I’d handle it alone. This shit with Caro just started, and if I’m murderous over someone I’ve been with for a brief time, how the fuck do you think he feel over someone he’s been in love with since he was kid?”
I sigh, grabbing my coat and keys.
“And check his hand.”
“His hand?” I ask, glancing at Justin.
He nods. “He…had an eventful night.”
I shake my head and kiss his cheek. “Tell Caro I’ll see her at lunch. I guess you, too.”